


The Journey

by InkMe



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst and Humor, Cute, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Slow Burn, Spirit World, Spirits, Teen Romance, True Love, alternative worlds, portal traveler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 20:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 126,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16878999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkMe/pseuds/InkMe
Summary: She's a girl in love with a fictional character, one day she stumbles out of a magical broom closet and gets to meet him. Turns out he's a jerk and she's now stuck in his world, aboard his ship.This is a long, slow-burn funny fic where the MCs are the hard hitting, but hopelessly smitten, Kai, And the stupid but cute prince we all love.It takes us through time and space, through love and hate, and it is the remedy for any rainy day (srsly a feel good).Enjoy!(Warning ALL of the SPOILERS - it spans from Book One to most of the comics).Some reviews:"... I enjoyed myself immensely. What I thought was so refreshing about this story was that Kai's relationship with Zuko was an equal one... What you do so brilliantly is maintaining that balance in which their life and their story is not consumed by their love..."- MissMellow, FF.net"I have really enjoyed your story so far and I also like the concept."- TheOmegaWolves, FF.net"Wonderful story! I love when fics go beyond the timeline of the story! Thank you!"-Guest, FF.net"Good read"-The Jingo, FF.net





	1. The gateway and the butler

PART ONE  
Chapter 1: The gateway and the butler

I was standing in a white room.  
It was big, square and blindingly bright. The celling was a cathedral roof of illuminated plates soaring high above me and flowing down the walls in square patterns. Even the floor seemed glowing with the cool light that was impossible to place the source of. There was a low electronic hum swirling around my head, like a thousand blazing computers constantly exhaling to cool down. It made my teeth vibrate.  
The white room looked like a sterile laboratory taken directly out of a science fiction novel, except there wasn’t any equipment or lab-coated geniuses swirling liquid in conical flasks.  
The only object, which stood in the far end in the room, was the tremendously contrasting reception disk made of dark glistening mahogany. I took a few tentative steps. As I moved I expected the entire place to dissolve in a fog, like a dream or perhaps a maddened hallucination, but the desk and the hum and the glowing floor remained existing. And surprisingly, so did I.  
I stepped with more purpose now. A suspicious but undoubtful lopsided smile was tugging at my lip. This was not a dream. It was real. Or as real as you could argue reality to be, and now I knew exactly what I wanted to do. 

I knew this room. I knew the room because I’d imagined it countless times. It would be completely safe to say that I could expound every detail and purpose the room held - Including the character of the older man who was standing behind the disk. He had a striking, and in retrospect not so oddly, resemblance to Alfred Pennyworth from batman.  
But although I had all this insight, I was having a minor heart attack because I had never actually expected to find myself in the room. And further more, I had absolutely no idea how I’d gotten there.  
I approached the disk and as I laid my hand on its smooth cool surface I grinned down at my palms.  
“What will your requirements be this afternoon Miss?” The butler spoke in a crisp British accent.  
His face pulled in something that could have been a smirk under the thin mustache but I wasn’t sure if it wasn’t a nervous tick. I knew his name was Jerry, but if I hadn’t known that, he actually carried a golden nametag with the name engraved.  
I couldn’t quite speak yet. I looked behind Jerry to see what I knew already would be there; a heavy white door with a huge elaborately decorated doorknob sticking out of it.  
A chill tickled down my spine.  
I wondered if I should ask Jerry about what the heck was going on, but a part of me didn’t want to risk breaking ‘the spell’. The humming from the program that was behind the wall panels made my ears feel irritated.  
“I wish to go back to the beginning. I want the program to drop me off on the boat.” I answered vaguely and Jerry caught my eyes.  
He nodded, and this time I was sure he was smirking a thin-lipped and hidden smirk under the line of black mustache. Jerry wrote my demand down in an old leather bound book.  
“And how long will you be staying Miss?” He asked with the pen set to the paper.  
I gave it a thought. I knew that time would be different inside the universe I was visiting, and that time on my side, aka the ‘real world’, would practically stand still while I was away.  
I also knew that I could come back to reality at any time by speaking the password to the program.  
“We’ll start off with one year.” The excitement made my face hot.  
“Very well Miss.” Jerry looked at me as if knowing something I did not, but made a note of my ‘stay’ -as if noting a checkout date in a hotel. A year seemed reasonable, and I knew that the story I was about to join had a main timeline for approximately a year from start to finish. I could always prolong my fictional vacation if I felt like more adventuring.  
“Lastly, do you have specifications for your persona Miss?”  
“Yes. Fire, and give me something extra to make it pop. I want to be as cool as the other guys.” I shoot Jerry a pair of finger-guns and a cheeky wink. “Oh, and I want my outfit to be entirely bananas!”  
“Ba-na-nas. Certainly Miss.” Jerry recited as he ended the sentence with a graceful swing of the pen.  
The book closed with a weighty ‘flop’ and then the clerk bid me to go through the white door.  
I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from exploding in a hysterical laughter. This was it. It was really happening!  
Jerry bowed as I passed him. I wondered if I should bow back but dismissed the thought as my hand was already turning the big doorknob.  
I took a deep shaking breath before striding over the brink. 

It was dark. As in really scary pitch black where I stood. I glanced over my shoulder and back at Jerry who was mid-bow. Well, he would be, because as soon as I’d stepped over the threshold I was in different time-continuum now. Everything on the other side would slow down to an almost stop as a second there gave me months here. I gulped before facing the darkness again. Slowly the door creaked to a close behind me. Leaving me completely blind.  
For a long awaiting moment I was frozen in a slightly awkward stance, hands stretched out in front of me and feet planted wide apart.  
A sudden loud microwave-ish ‘ding’ made me gasp and sucking in the awful stench that filled the dark. It rushed in my nose like sewer water, and I could tell that it was the unmistakable rotten smell of old mops and moldy rags.  
I smacked a hand over my heart and made an irritated noise.  
“Goddamn program!” I hissed under my breath. Then I noticed my hand wasn’t touching chunky knit but smooth pressed cotton instead. Dumbfounded I patted both hands over my body. I was definitely not wearing dodgers and a thrifted knit anymore. This was sleek and formal and layered. I realized it was a kimono. Bananas.  
Though I was curious to see what Jerry had interpreted my word into I first of all needed to focus on getting out of here. I fumbled my way through broomsticks and low shelves stacked with clay pots until my fingers discovered something fuzzy and moist. I recoiled and held back a yelp. I was in a closet - a very small, very stinky, closet.  
Irritated I kept moving and accidently kicked the metal buckets on the ground as I tried to locate the way out of the small stinky closet. I stumbled and fell against what felt like the other side of the cubbyhole. There a big turning handle sat, you know the kind you only find on ships, and with a satisfied smile I was ready to enter the awaiting events on the other side. I put all my strength in moving the wheel, expecting it to pop right open. But it didn’t. The airlock-door didn’t budge.

Of all the places on the entire ship, the brilliant program had opened a gateway that lead from reality to parallel universe and straight in to a locked broom closet.  
I cursed under my breath and tried the wheel again, one way and then the other, and then the first way again. It was as if the blasted door had been welded shut. My hands prickled and I kicked the doorframe in a moment of irritation. The metal echoed darkly in the small metal box.  
It wasn’t any good. I would have to go back to the white room and reprogram the stupid core system -then try the whole thing again. Typical.  
I tripped a few steps across to the other side where I’d come from and reached for a door of some kind. I expected it to be right in front of me. But there was none.  
I ran my palms from side to side and from floor to as high as I could reach, but the metal wall was even and door-less. Panic began to set in. I even tried knocking while I wheezed the emergency password for my immediate escape. It was supposed to be a safe-word of sorts. A word that could fast-travel me back home instantly in the case of an unexpected crisis. Like this.  
But nothing happened. Absolutely nothing; not Jerry’s polite voice apologizing for the mishap, not the program responding with an error-run-through, not even the tiniest of beeps or boops or indication that someone had heard me and was ready to come to my aid.  
Nothing at all.  
I was full-blown hyperventilating now.  
I spoke the password again louder, clearer, and wiped my wet eyes with the stiff sleeve.  
But the word was ineffective and I was stuck. My own confidences assured me that I wouldn’t be stuck in a closet forever but I was stuck here, in this parallel, for a whole year!  
I bit down hard and sunk to the floor against the door.  
Actually there was one other way back over the threshold.  
The only chance of me getting back, was to kill myself off, or rather the fiction of me. The story couldn’t go on without me in it to say it bluntly. But honestly, I wasn’t ready for spearing myself on a rounded broomstick just yet.  
A heavy ‘conk’ of metal going against metal made me break from my despair. The eerie howling from a sudden gush of wind blowing through the corridors followed. It had to be Aang’s airbending.  
“Wait. Bending, duh!” I smacked myself on the forehead and scrambled to my feet. If I was already dressed to impress it had to mean that my requested firebending was fully baked too. Maybe I could melt my way out!  
I sat my palms to the airlock door and started thinking fiery stuff.  
Just in that fateful moment the entry of my prison swung open and I spilled out like a bunch of marbles. Something broke my fall and when I looked down I saw that my hair was in Aang’s face. He winched but then caught my eyes with mirrored astonishment. Aang was about to say something but with quick effective movements I was up and scouting down the narrow passageway. There were yells of commands and flames to my right. I started sprinting left.  
“Sorry! But thanks for getting me out of there! I gotta go!” I called over my shoulder.  
“You’re welcome I guess!” Aang replied in that upbeat voice of a kid with a great sense of humor. Yeah, Aang was undeniably good company. But pleasant or not, it didn’t change the fact that I would not like to be seen together with him right now. If Zuko thought that I was an ally to the avatar he would throw me in a holding cell quicker than I could say giant saber-tooth-moose-lion!  
And after all Zuko was part of the reason I was here in the first place.  
Behind me I heard the metallic rung of Aang opening and closing doors, and when I heard him exclaim that he’d found the staff he was looking for. I ducked into the next corridor and out of sight as I knew trouble was on its way.  
Aang finding the staff meant Zuko and him fighting.  
My gata shoes ‘clanked’ loudly against the metal floor and the sound traveled through the empty labyrinth of corridors lit up by red lamps.  
I was not being the elegant quiet escapee I’d hoped to be, and that could become a real problem if I slammed right in to a fireblast-match with the guards, or even worse Zuko. I couldn’t go all flamethrower defense on them because I was trying to be nice to the Prince and his crew. Not that I was entirely sure how to make fire shoot out of my hands. And I couldn’t just be passive because, well, the guards would perhaps burn my pretty little face right off the bone.  
I slowed down the pace and peered around a corner as I slipped out of the noisy shoes. There wasn’t anybody in the corridor but the sound of turmoil wasn’t far away.  
I inched along the wall.  
My legs carried me with no effort. Guess I have awesome stamina in here, I smiled to myself. Like a ninjaaah, I thought. I may or may not have added a funny voice in my head.  
Then the seriousness of the situation hit me. I would have to explain how I got on his ship, when Zuko inevitably got a hold of me; If not from Appa and ‘The Gaang’, then from where had I appeared?  
I had to make up something to earn his trust. Something that would make him intrigued enough to not kick me off the ship in a matter of moments into my intended capture. But I had nothing. My mind was blank for lies and backstory.  
My initial intention was to stay on Zuko’s ship for as long as possible and learn firebending from Iroh. It was properly not the best of ideas analyzed in hindsight. Zuko was a super angry jerk in this entire period of his life and getting him to agree to lend out ‘the dragon of the west’ would be difficult. Especially if I was suspected of being a spy or and enemy.  
I frowned as I realized that I hadn’t thought any of this through, and because I was stuck, it could have consequences.  
In a less smart and angst-suppressing manner, I decided to wing it. Here using the term decided a little loosely for as my thoughts preoccupied me with making a good first impression, I heard the battle coming to me. I only saw the tip of a pointed shoe about to turn the corner in a stride before I ducked in to the nearest room.  
The door was missing, which was odd but beneficial to me because then I avoided making a ruckus opening a screeching airlock. I slithered into a shadowed corner as I heard boots beat the metal floor right outside. This will be my first real fight in my life I thought as I mentally prepared myself for violence. It was weird, as I’d decided to possibly fight my body knew exactly what to do and took a stance. Maybe it would be that same for firebending?  
The guard marched, and just as I thought he would walk past me, he stopped in the doorway of the room. Still in my stance I pressed myself up against the wall. A large thud deep within the ship made my heart skip a beat. The guard made a noise of startle as well. He started running down the hall, and I could finally exhale the breath I’d been keeping.  
The epic fight scene was still unfolding on deck. Just as I wondered about how far they’d come the ship came to an abrupt stop. I was thrown out of my hiding spot and on to the floor. Then a long piercing screech from ice scraping along the side of the ship forced me to cover my ears.  
I could only guess what that meant -Aang had redirected the Fire Nation’s attack and now half a glacier had crashed down on the ship’s deck. The fight was over. 

I got up and looked around. I absently dusted myself off and wandered around the space. Scorch marks and other signs of a struggle defaced the metal space. There were bits of burnt tapestries on the walls, and on the floor and a meditation-altar of some sorts, a simple cot in the far corner and polished twin swords above it. The bulky steel door was lying purposeless on the middle of the floor.  
It was Zuko’s room I realized.  
A new set of emotions shot through me.  
I shouldn’t be in here! This shouldn’t be where he first finds me! My cheeks felt hot.  
But I had dawdled and a sudden fire blast shot right by my ear. An unfamiliar squeak escaped my mouth and I jerked away from the fires general direction.  
“Who are you?” Zuko’s voice was horse and filled with his ill temper.  
I stiffened.  
The Prince was undeniably a ‘shoot-first-ask-later’ kinda guy.  
“I’m Kai. Hello.” I did an awkward wave and Zuko’s face knit together.  
“Ehm. You are probably wondering what I’m doing on you ship. Well, it’s an interesting story!” I said and tried to look both unintimidating and charming, but I could see that the efforts was making Zuko’s mood worse as his jaw clinched. His hands were in tight flaming fists and I had to pull out something out of my sleeve quickly to hinder Zuko in transforming me into a pile of ash!  
“No honest!! I am a spirit-“ What am I saying I thought frantically. “Guide!”  
Zuko looked mean but puzzled.  
“That’s me! Spirit-guide! I guide people’s, ehm, spirits.”  
“Are you with the avatar?” He asked in a low threatening tone.  
“Nope. I am your Spirit-guide Prince Zuko!” I grinned and made jazz-hands. It was a flustered malfunction rather than a conscious decision to do so.  
“I should have you thrown off my ship and into the icy sea for lying. How did you come aboard my ship if you didn’t arrive on that flying beast?” He stepped closer.  
“I… I… I came through a spirit portal. Of course.” I made a ‘well dah’ look. His eyes darkened.  
“What a coincidence that the spirit world would drop you off here on my ship, in the middle of the arctic, right after the avatar has been spotted for the first time in a hundred years, to guide my spirit. Of course.” He dripped with sarcasm and took a step closer.  
I got his point, and kicked myself mentally.  
“Fate?” I shrugged in a strained smile.  
“Do you think I’m that stupid little girl?” He circled me, and I was offended by his ‘little girl’ comment. I would guess he could see me pull an insulted face because Zuko looked smug through his anger.  
“Do you even for one moment think that I believe you are here to help me? And that I will trust you! If that what you were hoping for when you strolled through the spirit portal, then I must disappoint!” He hissed and I saw two flame daggers burst from his hands. My mouth went dry. Think, quick! I mentally yelled at myself, what does Zuko want?!  
“I will not be tricked into an ambush!” Zuko took a stance to ready an attack, but before he could fling the first flame, I spoke.  
“I will help you catch the avatar!” I cringed in defense, dropping my gata sandals that I’d been holding.  
When I wasn’t immediately fired at, I peeked at Zuko from behind my hands.  
“And how will you do that?” He relaxed the stance but the skepticism hadn’t left his amber eyes.  
“As I said. I’ll guide you.” I relaxed a bit myself, lowering my guard a fraction. “It’s what I’m here to do. It’s what I chose to do.” My heart raced in my chest and I hoped it didn’t show.  
Zuko stepped up to me with something that could be wary interest in his features. He challenged my gaze for another moment, and somehow it made me simultaneously uneasy and very giddy, all at the same time.  
“I assure you I don’t need guidance from anyone.” He said, now he was fairly close to me.  
I pushed my lips.  
“So. Are you really turning down an opportunity to be handed a ticket home? My mind is the map to your future, you know.” I lifted a careful brow.  
This made him think. I could see him calculating risks before answering me.  
“And what’s in it for you? Other than the great honor of serving the Crown Prince of the Firenation.” He was sarcastic again and he sounded bitter.  
“I would like to train under General Iroh’s teachings, and have him as my tutor. Oh, and a room instead of a holding cell would be appreciated too.” I said casually.  
“You are a firebender?” The darkness evaporated from his voice and became sincerely curious. Zuko ran his gaze over me and met my eyes again. I nodded.  
“But you have white hair?” He said like I was the one being confused.  
“Yeah. It’s called blond actually, and I guess I could explain it… But does it really matter?” I rolled my eyes. Zuko was either baffled or sulky. When he didn’t respond I decided to fill the quiet.  
“Where did we land on the mentor thing? It’s not like I would steal him away from your training.”  
“Show me you skill, and I will consider.” Zuko curled his lip.  
“My skill? Alrighty then…” I muttered a little hesitant.  
I tried to channel the feeling of being ready to spark flame like I had been when I was squaring up for a fight earlier. I imagined the flame and the heat and slowly I felt warmth circle in my palms. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before, and yet I could link the sensation to touching a warm breathing animal. I stretched out my arms and with great force two blazing columns of fire shot out from each of my hands.  
It instantly ignited the leftover of a tapestry on the opposite wall and a flame caught on to Zuko’s sleeve. He jumped back and made a sound that was somewhat between a snarl and a hiss.  
“Woah! Did you see that!?” I exclaimed and pointed at the blazing tapestry.  
“I MEANT YOUR SPIRIT SKILLS!” Zuko yelled as he patted out the small fire on his right arm.  
“Oh. Sorry… I thought you meant-“ I pointed at my hand.  
He shot me a furious glare.  
“You know you weren’t very clear…” I mumbled in defense before realizing that I essentially did not have any spirit powers to show off. “But okay, a demonstration of my spirit stuff, right, I got it. Okay, here I go... spirit mode on!” My smile tensed as my mind raced a thousand miles per hour to find how I could wriggle my way out of this one. Perhaps I could try to ‘foresee’ the future, or reveal that I knew a personal fact about Zuko. Something no one would know. A few useful bits sprung to mind, but none of them felt right to me. It was honestly kinda stalker-ish to flaunt that I knew the most intimate and significant moments in another person’s life.  
I bit at my nail in thought.  
“What’s taking so long?” Zuko had lost his patience while I had sunken into myself to deliberate how morally corrupted I truly was when push came to shove. I sighed. No. Opening a can of childhood-traumatized worms, that could spark immediate distrust and hostility between us, wasn’t an option.  
“I knew you were lying.” He snarled.  
“Hey give me a moment! It’s not like I can just pull an abracadabra lever!” I snapped and Zuko but then ‘the thing’ happened. All by itself as it were, and it turned out that I could, in fact, pull a lever. 

It was like plummeting down through a hatch and lightning flashes of glimmering golden specks filled my eyes. My body was moving without my command. I tried to resist, to speak or blink away the strange shimmer, but a compelling force was ignoring my will. It lifted my hand entirely unaffected.  
My fingers touched something opposite me. It was Zuko, and in between the glittering fragments I saw how he wanted to recoil from me as if I had been attacking. With two light fingertips on his breastplate, the bizarre energy that apparently had frozen us both in place, started to flow.  
The air capsuled around us and circled us like only magic could.  
My hair and clothes was lifted in the wind but everything else was. I felt the warmth in the blood inside us. I felt the earths blazing core beneath us, and the ball of fire in the sky. I passed the things I felt on to him. The connection went deeper and glimpse of past, present and future as I knew it started to flash. I opened my numb mouth to explain but the wind sucked out my breath. I tried to stop it. Hold back, but the waves of pictures were crashing down on us. They rolled with greater force still, and the nanoseconds became seconds of clear imagery of both of our memories.  
The bond grew stronger and our memories intertwined. I could see that Zuko saw the white room. With every last drop of mental control I broke the touch. It was like pulling myself out of a rushing river. The encircled air bust apart and both I and Zuko were staggering back to keep our balance. I gasped and looked up at him with just as surprised a facial expression as the one on him.  
“… Wild ride…” I breathed a little dazed. It felt like I’d just stuck my head in the microwave and cranked the setting to max.  
What the heck was that all about?! Was I really a spirit-whatever?! Maybe that had been the next level of firebending I had asked the program for?  
“What was…” Stunned Zuko touched his chest where I’d touched him. Two fingerprints had scorched the dark metal. So it had been firebending after all.  
My heart was pounding as his yellow orbs burned through my skull in a question I couldn’t answer for the life of me. After being momentarily lobotomized by a celestial slideshow, I wasn’t even sure I could count properly to ten. In my muddled thoughts I wondered if Zuko was feeling the same wooziness and if this was a normal way of feeling after having encounters with spirit stuff.  
Zuko and I stared at each other for another dragging pause.  
“Prince Zuko, I didn’t know we had a lady onboard.” The wonderful accented voice of Iroh came from through the doorway. Iroh’s sudden presents made us take another step away from each other.  
Our faces were flushed and we had been standing less than an arm’s length apart. Zuko sent me an odd look. I was blinking slightly asynchronous as my brain fizzed like diet coke on Mentos. Stay Fresh!  
“Did you come with the avatar?” Iroh smiled like it wouldn’t necessarily mean I was ‘the enemy’ if I was. I appreciated that, even though I properly couldn’t say it in so many words while the remains of my cerebrum was seeping out of my ears.  
Iroh’s comment had reset Zuko and he was quicker to shake off the lingering ambiance. He found his darker and more threatening attitude again.  
“If she is, I will know before long. Show the girl to one of our empty chambers.” It was not hard to deduct that the Prince wasn’t pleased about me being a guest rather than a prisoner. I wasn’t blaming him entirely, to have a spy running freely around the halls was one thing, but to have a supernatural spy snooping was another. He strode out of the room without another glance, pushing past Iroh in a insolent huff.  
In the notable quiet that Zuko had left behind, Iroh eyed me in a curious, nevertheless, friendly way. I shook myself out of the trance too and focused.  
“I’m not with the avatar and I’m not like a mole either, in case you’re wondering. Zuko got me all-wrong on that. I’m just…” I had to stop talking while remembering words. “Ouch… A little out of my depths.” I winced and rubbed the back of my head that pinched from within my skull.  
“Aren’t we all?” Iroh chuckled as he wandered over to me to put a gentle hand on my back. “Lucky we’re on a ship then.” He grinned and led me out to corridor.  
As we walked I felt like I should be the one to talk, but my mind was desperately trying to comprehend everything that I had already experienced today. That, in itself, was a pretty tall order when being slightly jellified. Thankfully Iroh took the conversational wheel.  
“It’s quite a surprise that we should have such spontaneous company as we are three weeks away from port. I do not get amazed easily, you learn to let the mind stay open at my age. However I must say, you are truly an unexpected guest.” Iroh said and lifted a brow on his mild face.  
“I was surprised too! One moment I was home in my bed and then BAM! Everything I thought impossible was proved to be possible.” I said and looked up at Iroh with a lopsided smile. “Oh! I’m sorry! I’m being super rude. My name is Yokai. Or Kai for short.” I’d chosen the name at almost random, together with everything else in the white room.  
“Ah, it means sun child – it goes well with your honey hair.” Iroh informed.  
I smiled at that and gripped the ends of my long hair. Sun child. What a coinkidink.  
“And you are not being rude. Believe me, I’ve seen rude.” He whispered behind his palm and it made me snicker.  
“My name is Iroh and I am the Prince’s uncle. Pleased to meet you Yokai.” Iroh said gracefully.  
“I am very pleased to meet you too General Iroh.” I tried to bow, but did an uncomfortable head dip while we kept walking instead.  
“So what brings you here, Kai?” We turned another corner lit by red lamps.  
“Actually I am to be Zuko’s spirit guide. If he would let me help, that is.” I rolled my eyes.  
Iroh nodded.  
“Yes, spirits are not much in my nephew’s thoughts. I hope he will be ready to take the knowledge you have to offer. But forgive me, I have never heard of a spirit-guide before.”  
“Well. I’m not from the spirit world per say. Aaand I’m not from around here either.” I said. “I guess you could call me a tourist.”  
“Tourist?” Iroh smiled.  
“Yes. I passed through from another other world to be here. I’ve followed your lives from afar and I’ve always wanted to meet you and Zuko, and even the avatar. I just… Didn’t think it was possible.” I shrugged one shoulder. “So now I’m here and I know what the Prince needs to find his way home.” That had been the most truthful thing I’d said since I’d stumbled out of the broom closet.  
I just didn’t know it yet.  
Iroh hummed and tucked a little at his gray beard.  
“I have been in the spirit world once. It is a parallel to this world, a place that exists torn from our time and laws, however it intertwines with everything we know as wistome. And your are telling me that there are multiple parallels?” He asked slowly. The General’s golden eyes had none of the blazing anger that Zuko’s did, but instead held a flame that now flickered in his gaze.  
“I’m not sure. I only know of my own place…” I said carefully.  
“THAT’S WONDERFUL!” Iroh exclaimed and slapped my back so hard I tripped a little in my step.  
“That is most interesting Kai. Most interesting indeed. It sounds like a debate you and I should have over a cup of good jasmine tea.” He beamed.  
“I’m in! I love tea! And then you will have to tell me about you spirit world journey!” I beamed back.  
“Oh finally someone who will appreciate the art of sitting around and drinking tea.” Iroh wiped his eye dramatically before snapping back to smiling. “Ah. And here we are. I hope it is to your liking, even though it is a little simple.” He gestured the room on our left and I peered in. The chamber was like Zuko’s in size and inventory, except I didn’t have the Dao swords or the meditation alter. And of course it was lit in the ever-present warm red color.  
“It’s perfect!” I clapped my hands as I took a few giddy steps inside.  
“I’ll leave you to settle in.” Iroh said kindly and started closing the door. “Welcome Kai.” 

As soon as I was alone I was jumping around like an idiot.  
I was here. Inside the place I’d been fascinated by for a decade! I was finally here and everything was real!! I ran my hands over everything in my room. The walls, the low cot, the bedside table with candles and an oil-lamp on it. It was weird that I could hold and touch something I’d thought to be fiction.  
Speaking of weird, Iroh was taking this whole spirit slash parallel world stuff really well. I didn’t expect Zuko to be so easy to convince. He would properly think I was lying again or trying to trick him into something horrible. The guy had trust issues for sure. Eh, given the majority of his family members I understood where he was coming from. Trying to be his friend, much less his ‘spiritual guide’ would be a challenge.  
I noticed that it was warm enough to walk bare foot (my gata shoes were still in Zuko’s room) even though my sliver of a window was frosted with ice. Maybe the ships coal furnaces were located below. I stretched and found that I could reach the low steel celling. It was actually really cozy in here, and with a bit of decorating it would be be a brilliant little cave to creep into. It needed some rugs and blankets though.  
I sat my hands to my hips and nodded. Yes. I could see myself here.  
Next order of biz: firebending!  
I didn’t really understand how exactly I had been able to firebend before, but I had done it, so doing it again shouldn’t be impossible. Besides I’d chosen to be able to firebend because the element was the one I thought fitted me the best. It was heartfelt, forceful and exciting! And yeah, I was bias as to the fact that it looked extremely cool to do a fiery roundhouse-kick midair.  
It seemed to me like most of the power within bending came from a specific state of mind. Like moving a muscle, but like, with your ‘thoughts’ and precise movements. Meditation and mind-expansion played a big role in bending. Even Zuko meditated. I hadn’t ever done that before either. Well, what a day for firsts!  
I snatched a candle from the bedside tabled and sat myself on the cot with my legs crossed.  
After a deep breath I placed two fingers above the wick and concentrated.  
Feel the fire. Fell the will to bend the elements within yourself to bend the candle.  
Nothing happened.  
I scrunched up my face and placed the candle a little further back on the bed to point at it instead.  
Okay. Warmth. Sizzling thoughts. Think desert, volcano, jalapeño.  
After a while I felt a little stupid. It was odd to sit and point dramatically to a candle. I made a noise of an annoyance. Okay so it was a little harder than last time when I’d flown on autopilot, but that didn’t make me want to give up.  
Summer. Sauna. Bonfire. Fever. Kiss.  
I thought as I felt a tingle in the tips of my fingers. Something was without a doubt about to happen.  
“Come on…” I whispered under my breath.  
The heat prickling in me fingertips intensified.  
“Almost… There.” I smirked.  
Then, the roar of fire sounded.  
It was as if I’d sat a lighter to a cloud of gas when the ball of flame flared out.  
Unfortunately for my candle and some of my bedspread, the shoot of compact fire folded out and became way too big and too powerful. It instantly melted the top off of my candle and three others that stood on my table a little ways away.  
Flustered, I leaped to my feet and grabbed a pot of water by the door to pore over the flames that ate at my pillow and table. The fire died with a sizzle and a cough of black smoke.  
I sighed. Had I really expected to be perfect at controlling fire from day one? Zuko and all the other benders had had a lifetime to get used to their element, not to mention a lot of them had received extensive training since before they could walk.  
My candles were drowned, and I’d made a mess of the floor not to mention my pillow. I felt drained and dizzy, and just a tad disheartened as I flopped back down on my bed, which was luckily only half-soaked.  
I curled up at the foot of the bed and pulled the part of the cover that wasn’t wet over me.  
This was a day of firsts, but it also felt a little bit like a day of failure.  
I didn’t even close my eyes for a second blink before sleep had swept me away.

.  
.  
.


	2. Firebending

Chapter 2: Firebending

 

The dreamscape was an empty one. Nothingness without a top or bottom to it enveloped me. I didn’t cast a shadow because there was no light, but no darkness either; just a dim gray space that should have been filled out by something. The faintest of hums, almost a growl, vibrated though my body like pulsating electricity.  
The dot of fire in the far distance sprouted.  
As I took one step, I was suddenly face to face with the mute inferno. There was no sound or heat. The impulse to feel the orange fire overpowered my sensibility and to my surprise my hand was grasped from someone inside the flames. A set of glistening eyes framed by black lashes flickered deep within the blaze. It mesmerized me like a kid looking at a lit match. Jerry spoke from behind me; the child who gets lost in the flame, must burn. I looked at the butler over my shoulder and Jerry’s face had split in a smug grin under the thin mustache. It stretched too wide and too grotesquely.

The metallic knocking woke me from my comatose-nap. I snapped up to a sit and it took me a good long moment to understand where I was. The red pools of light illuminated my chamber dimly and I had to rub the chilling dream out of my eyes. Slowly the disorientation eased away, like water running down the sink drain.  
The knocking continued and I realized that someone was at my door.  
“Dang, hang on!” I tumbled out of my cot and ran across the room. On the other side of the door was a tall bulky man in black Fire Nation armor. His eyes gleamed behind the helmet’s eye sockets.  
“Permission to speak my Lady?” He asked formally.  
“Granted! And I’m not really a Lady. I’m Kai. Spirit guide slash stowaway.” I said in an attempt to be witty and stretched out my hand. The soldier bowed stiffly instead.  
Right no handshaking here I guess, I thought as I retracted the greeting awkwardly.  
“An honor to make your acquaintance Lady Kai. The great General Iroh sends his regards and invites you to dine in the Prince’s quarters with himself and the Crown Prince.” He was apparently one of the guards that took his job very seriously aboard the ship.  
“Dinner sounds-“ and then my stomach spoke for itself in a growling noise. I hugged it and looked embarrassed at the soldier that didn’t move a muscle.  
“… Good. It sounds good. But wait a tick.” I glanced over my shoulder for a mirror but found my walls bare. I’d slept with my face smothered in the madras and I didn’t know if my kimono-ish dress had wrinkled or not. I wasn’t a Lady, but I wasn’t going to dinner with royalty without at least checking my hair.  
“Would you know if there’s a mirror around here?” I asked and found the man’s eyes again.  
“Follow me please Lady Kai.” The bulky man bowed again and walked out. He led me around the corner of a narrow hallway and opened a door that revealed a washroom.  
I took a mental note of it. First door around the corner, on the left, washroom.  
He bowed for the third time and closed the door behind me.  
In the mirror I was shocked to see myself. I looked like a hot mess! The blond hair was tangled like I’d slept in a tornado and my face was covered in dried drool and sleep.  
I cursed and started scrubbing.  
I’d never been very good at applying makeup, actually I didn’t like to have gunk on my face in general, but a wink of mascara and a dot of lipbalm would have done wonders. Even I could see that. I sighed as I looked a last time in the mirror. My face was pink and shiny from the frantic scrubbing and my red robes were wrinkled beyond repair, at least without an iron at hand. Next time I would ask for practical and not ‘bananas’… 

“You know, I give you permission to tell me the next time I look ridiculous.” I said to the bulky soldier as he escorted me up a level.  
“I will do your every bidding Lady Kai.” He complied ceremoniously.  
“Super…” All that classist formality was making me slightly uncomfortable. “Now you know my name, can I ask yours?”  
“Yes Lady Kai, you may ask me anything at any time. My name is Tenzo Kunhama and I am the Commander of the Crown Prince’s navy troops aboard this ship.” He looked straight ahead as he spoke. High rank. That explained the seriousness.  
“Nice to meet you. So… Are you from the colonies?” I asked.  
“No. I was born and raised in the gracious Homeland of the Fire Nation.”  
“Really? What’s it like there?” I couldn’t hide my eagerness and the soldier sent me a quick glance while we strolled on.  
“It is very pleasant there, Lady Kai.” He said.  
“Do you have family there?” I asked again.  
“Yes Lady Kai. My parents and my wife live in my childhood home on the outskirts of the Royal City. By the ocean.”  
“I bet it get’s really hot in the summer so the breeze must be nice.” I nodded.  
There was a long silence.  
“The breeze… It is. Actually.” Tenzo said quietly and I saw the ghost of a smile.  
It hit me that being a part of the crew to the banished Prince that couldn’t ever return to the Homeland meant that Tenzo properly couldn’t either. It had to have been a long time since he’d seen his wife. I didn’t say anything else.

We stopped at a door with guards on each side of it. They looked tired and like they were aware that their presence was for show rather than for security. Before I went in I waved a ‘bye’ at Tenzo.  
As soon as the doors opened a wonderful savory smell of fish and rice filled my nose. Iroh stood from his seat on the floor, bowed, and gestured me to join them at the end of the table.  
Zuko pouted and didn’t move, sending me a very clear and very rude signal.  
Such an attitude.  
I suppressed a glare and instead thanked Iroh as I sat. Ignoring Zuko’s arrogance was probably better for my blood-pressure anyway.  
“It is a great honor to have you aboard the ship Lady Yokai. How are you settling in?” Iroh spoke.  
“Fine thank you. I didn’t have any luggage so there wasn’t much to settle.” I said lightly, “but I did manage to sleep the whole day away. I guess my head needed some time to process.”  
“Ah, you slept too? Then perhaps we are lucky it isn’t a flu after all Prince Zuko.” Iroh was smiling but I caught the sense that he was saying something between the lines.  
Zuko just crossed his arms in defiant reply. 

The cook finally brought in food and tea and my eyes focused on the delicious dishes. I could eat a shark at this point! Or rather an octopus-shark or something like that I suppose. Bowls and plates were passed around and I tried to eat slowly but it was just so good!  
My face was a display of all the delight that ran through me.  
“Do you like it Lady Kai?” Iroh asked, and I could only gesture eagerly while I swallowed.  
“It is the best! Much better than what I get to eat in my world! Which is mostly frozen pizza.” I laughed and Zuko snorted. This time I shot him a glare and he responded by slapping his chopstick to the table.  
“Kai, tell us about your world. This frozen pizza sounds most fascinating, don’t you think so Prince Zuko?” Iroh tried to defuse the tension that was begin to fill the room.  
I tore from my staring contest with Zuko and faced Iroh with a milder expression.  
“No offence but honestly, frozen pizza is the least interesting thing about my world. However I have a question for you, if you don’t mind General.”  
“Of course.” Iroh said.  
“I was wondering what kind of time measurement you have here?”  
“Well, for as long as I know we’ve followed the rising of the sun and the passing of the moon.”  
Iroh stroked his beard and Zuko seemed sincerely interested in the conversation for the first time since I’d sat down.  
“So sun and moon dials?” I absently drew a circle with my finger while I spoke. “Where I come -“ I didn’t get to finish before Zuko interrupted me.  
“And where is that exactly?” He asked in a harsh tone.  
“A place that isn’t here... I told you.” I said.  
“You said you passed trough from the spirit world.” Zuko’s eyes narrowed and he was sending me another nasty glower.  
Maybe he had seen more of my memories than I’d first thought. But what good did it do him if he had? I was sure he couldn’t make sense of the pictures inside my head, but then the thought of him seeing my knowledge about the avatar and Zuko’s future hit me. That could be a real problem. If he saw where Aang and the other were before he’d learned that he could redeem himself without capturing the avatar and do his menacing fathers deranged bidding, Zuko could turn Azula-ish real fast.  
“From the looks of it that was a lie too.” He snorted.  
“Excuse me. Too?” I felt my cheeks redden with my own temper.  
“You are excused. Imposter.” He smirked arrogantly and I wanted to throw my tea in his stupid face.  
“How gracious!” I spat. “I didn’t want to explain a concept of the multiverse theory at lengths to you, because you probably wouldn’t understand it AND you were practically holding flame daggers to my neck.” I blurted.  
“You were on my ship in the middle of a heated battle. You were lucky I didn’t obliterate you on the spot by accident!”  
I was tempted to go all in but bit my tongue as Iroh gestured us to calm down.  
“I am sorry for my nephew. He has much fire inside him.” Iroh put a heavy hand on Zuko’s shoulder and his nephew just snarled at it.  
“More like jerky-ness.” I muttered as I sipped my tea and glared at Zuko over the rim of the cup.  
“What did you say?!” Zuko blew his lit.  
“Nothing.” I made him a taunting face. “So when’s training tomorrow?”  
“I will get up at dawn and I will train until sunset. You will do mothering other than to tell me how to capture the avatar.” He said.  
“Sure. I’ll help. It’s what I’m here to do. But you have to allow me to be trained by ‘the dragon of the west’.” I said coolly.  
“I have seen no proof that you could reveal where the airbender coward is hiding.”  
“If you do, will you let me be trained?”  
“That was our agreement, wasn’t it?” He dripped with resentment and I honestly couldn’t understand why he was being so dismissive.  
“However, spirit girl,” He leaned in over the table and his eyes became slits. “If you get in my way, betray me or slow me down I’ll make you truly sorry.”  
I held Zuko’s golden irises.  
“I get that. I will not interfere with your destiny. And if you go back on your word or misuse the insights I give you, my fury will be just as merciless and unyielding as yours, Prince Zuko. Agreed?”  
Zuko shifted in his seat as soon as I’d used the buzzword ‘destiny’. If Zuko thought my meddling would lead him astray he would dump me at the next dock in a heartbeat, so I’d better show him that I meant business.  
With threats and promises in the air the three of us was quiet.  
“Fine.” Zuko finally gave.  
“Hah!” I laughed in triumph but shot it down to regard Iroh instead. “I’m so sorry I haven’t even asked you! You don’t mind training me, do you, Master Iroh?”  
“It would be an honor.” Iroh bowed his head.  
“As soon as I have coordinates, you can stand in the back and try to keep up. She can’t even aim straight.” Zuko said off-handedly to his uncle.  
“What do you need coordinates for when we are locked in ice?” I shrugged nonchalantly. “What am I supposed to do around here? Sit on my hands until the glacier melts? You are better off just to trust me and let me train with you from tomorrow on.”  
“You don’t give the orders.” He set his jaw.  
“Well Kai, I have never met someone quite like you. Let us drink to your visit before the tea goes too cold.” Iroh said to get the dinner party back on track before another fight could explode in our faces.  
The tea was lukewarm at best.  
Then an idea struck me!  
If Zuko weren’t going to let me train before I exposed information on Aang, then perhaps another kind of demonstration would speed things along.  
‘Can’t even aim straight’ well maybe not - but watch this!  
I held the cup in my hands and tried to transfer my warmth to the liquid as I knew Iroh could do. Steady, controlled, not to intense, I thought as I concentrated.  
Soon the water began to bubble and then boil with lively outbursts. Some of the boiling water sprouted over the cups rim and scolded my fingers. I cursed and dropped the cup on the table. I cursed again and I jumped to my feet when it ran down in my lap.  
Why was this so difficult! Why couldn’t I just generate small droplets of energy instead of these forceful huge ones?  
Then I glanced over at Iroh and Zuko, who both looked like their eyes were about to pop out of their head. I covered my mouth. Another mental note of not cursing in public was made.  
“I’m so sorry!” I dropped to my knees and wiped the surface with my already moist sleeves.  
“You haven’t had a Master?” Zuko asked slowly.  
“Well… No… I haven’t ever firebended before today…” I scratched my arm.  
“That is truly remarkable! You have a gift dear Kai.” Iroh cut in.  
Wasn’t all firebenders meant to be able to do that, I mean of cause only the real good ones, but still.  
I wondered if I had made a mistake.  
“I am truly sorry for the tea General. And the cursing…” The last part was mumbled under my breath. I folded my hands in my lap and felt how the hot tea grew cold on my legs.  
“Please call me Iroh, I’m retired. And don’t worry about it. The thing you just did, took me years to perfect. It demands great technique to touch the inner fire of water.” He said as he stroked the thick gray beard, deep in thought.  
“I have no technique.” I breathed a humorless laugh with my brows knit together.  
“I can teach you.” Iroh said gravely and looked over to Zuko - who was still eyeing me in slight disbelief. “If you will allow it Prince Zuko?”  
Zuko gave Iroh a curt nod.  
“Oookay… I hope that you two will forgive me. I have to get out of these wet robe-“  
“Why don’t you just firebend yourself dry?” Zuko asked in a snarl.  
“Because I don’t want to set my clothes on fire by accident.” I sighed, irritated at the mess I’d made of my only piece of clothes. Second drowning of today. I just hoped my bed and covers had dried somewhat by now.  
Zuko’s face fell a little.  
“Goodnight. And thank you for everything.” I directed my respect in a head bob to Iroh and exited the dining room. 

I had to pull out my wet dress so it wouldn’t stick to my legs as I walked.  
Why was I such a show off!  
My pride and excitement for my new element was turning out to be a little more than I’d bargained for. But then again, now Zuko had at least allowed me to train. I wondered what he thought of me, if he really did hate me like I suspected. I pinched the brim of my nose.

The dress I wore was fairly simple in its kimono design and didn’t look exactly like the traditional ones of my world. This was a dash more Fire Nation-y. However it was still a pain to get out of without an extra set of hands. Fighting three layers of fabric and endless ribbons and ties had me sweating by the end of it. When I was stripped down to my gaze-bound chest and underpants I wasn’t particularly cold, but I did felt very naked.  
Without a change of clothes and with my robes drying on a pipe, I was left with the covers on my cot.  
I wrapped the fuzzy blanket around me and looked through the small slit in the wall. The moon was high on the navy blue sky with the black ocean casting its light from wave to wave. I estimated that it meant it was late, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know anything about lunar-movements and my own internal clock was way off. It was a bad case of parallel universe jetlag.  
What if I was stuck here forever? What if after my year was up Jerry wouldn’t come to get me? What if the program has crashed completely - and not even jumping out of a window would bring me back to reality? It wouldn’t be the worst place but…  
Images of the people at home glided through my head. They wouldn’t even notice that I’d been gone since time stood somewhat still in my reality. At least that was lucky. I couldn’t bear the thought of my mom worrying or my sister crying because she missed me… I thought of Tenzo’s wife and his parents. A twinge of sadness tightened in me.  
A hard knock made me blink the blues out of my eye.  
I cracked the door just enough to peek my head out and saw Zuko on the other side of it. He looked like he was squaring up for another fight and I frowned.  
“Oh, it’s you. I’m not in the mood.” I said flatly.  
He opened his mouth to argue but I slammed the door in his face. I had had it with his rudeness for one day. I really hadn’t counted on him being this exasperating to be around. If I had, I would have jumped on Appa’s back and flown off into the sunset so fast we’d break the sound barrier.  
There was another knock and this time it was more of a pound.  
“Go away. I’m not-“ I started as I wandered back to my cot.  
The door blew open in a loud ‘slam’.  
“Yes yes, you’re not in the mood. I don’t care, you left before I had asked all my questions.” He said but then stopped dead in his tracks as our eyes met.  
“I was going to say that I’m not dressed.” I pushed my lips and crossed my arms.  
“… That’s… I can see that.” He said with a somewhat self-conscious snarl and flicked his eyes away from me. You’d think he had never seen a girl before.  
“Did you want anything or did you just barge in to watch me in the buff?” It was finally my turn to smirk and be taunting.  
Zuko blinked at me once before finding his words.  
“I have a question.”  
“I figured. Shoot.” I shrugged a shoulder.  
“What was the things you showed me earlier? When you did that,” he pointed with two fingers at his chest. The marks were still there on his breastplate “with your hands?” He was calm and it suited him much better than his anger, nevertheless I was frowning again.  
“I just proved to you that I have spirit juice.” That was basically true.  
“But the things you showed me? Are they real?” He took another step towards me with concern lingering in his face.  
“Yes. Sort of. They are as real to me as yours are to you.” I shifted my weight. I didn’t want to get into all that, mostly because I didn’t understand it myself.  
He considered that.  
“What did you see of mine?” Zuko’s voice was a little more edged now.  
“It doesn’t really matter. I already know most of your memories…” I shrugged, that was also basically true.  
“What?” His lip curled but I caught the pang of shock in his eyes.  
“Listen. It’s not a big deal. I’ve seen things about this place that has and hasn’t happened. I’ve seen how the spirit world got born and how empires will fall. And all that includes you.” I lifted a brow. I was still determined not to exploit my knowledge of his life, especially not to get my ego out ahead.  
“You… Know everything?” Zuko asked surprised.  
“No. I’m not like a god or something crazy. I just know the highlights.” I winced. This conversation was peculiar, and not in a good way.  
Zuko went quiet.  
When he looked up the room suddenly felt very small and warm. The red flickers from the lamps shadowed his features and emphasized the darkness that being banished had scarred in him.  
“Stay out of my head.” Zuko hissed a head above me. He was annoyingly tall for a teenager.  
“I was never in your head. Are you so self-absorbed that you think that if I had psychic powers, I’d waste them poking around in some little boy’s brain?” I said back with the same amount of spite coating my tongue. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers of, Prince.”  
He glared back. Maybe he could see my point.  
“I don’t like you on my ship. And when your use runs out I will not hesitate ridding it of you. Spirit girl.” He said that in a cold whisper and it wasn’t temper that colored his voice. It was cynic pragmatics and it sounded like Azula talking. I didn’t feel like pointing that out.  
The ship grieved in hollowly under the ice’s weight that still lied up on the deck.  
“You know, you are not how I expected.” I said. The fumes of unkindness were evaporating off me.  
“Good.” Zuko answered coolly.  
“… No. It really isn’t.” I drew my brows tighter.  
The scorn was slowly running out of Zuko. I had no idea what he was thinking and decoding his face was like trying to read runes. But if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought I’d struck a nerve.  
Something other than tension was filling the narrow space between us.  
“Anything else?” I asked, my tone not as emotionless as I would have liked.  
“It’s at dawn. The training. If you are late, don’t bother showing up at all.” He said flatly and walked out of the door that was still ajar from when he’d slammed it open.  
The Prince’s silhouette disappeared and was instantly replaced by someone twice his size standing in my doorway.  
Tenzo bowed and held out a handful of clothes to me.  
“General Iroh have ordered me to deliver these to you and says that they are yours to keep if you find them to your taste.”  
“Thank you.” I muttered a little bleakly and unfolded the dark robes with a golden trim.  
“It is the General that deserves your thanks.” Tenzo informed me formally.  
“Sure…” The garments were smooth to the touch like silk but they didn’t capture the light. It was a long sleeved wrap-around undercoat with a thicker vest to have on top and matching harem pants.  
“Are they not to your liking Lady Kai? Should I return them?” Tenzo noticed my gloomy demeanor.  
“No no, it’s not that. I like them.” I sighed and put the outfit on my cot to change into later. “It was just a long day, you know.” I sent him a lousy smile.  
Tenzo nodded slowly.  
“I was also ordered to say that you are free to require other robes if you find the need, and that the Crown Prince will gladly lend you more.”  
I looked over at the garments. These were Zuko’s?  
“I doubt that very much. But it’s nice to be nice.” I lifted a brow. From the looks of it the Crown Prince hated my guts and my guess was that he would rather I hopped in the icy ocean than walked around in his clothes. Iroh had no doubt made Zuko donate these.  
“My wife says that sleep is the only right cure for a heavy heart. I wish you goodnight Lady Kai.” He bowed and closed the door as he left. I locked it after him to avoid any more company for tonight.  
I slouched on the cot and picked up the outfit.  
A heavy heart?  
Hesitantly I brought them to my face and breathed in. It smelled like Zuko. I hadn’t really noticed that he had that spicy warmth to his smell, but the clothes were covered in it. I felt silly, and pushed the uneasy feeling in my chest away. 

The next morning my first training session with Iroh was about to begin. I stumbled up the stairs as I reached the deck at exactly sunrise. Zuko was already there, leaning against the railing, and completely ignoring me. Whatever.  
The air was icy cold and my breath hung like a cloud in the air.  
Then the view hit me.  
For as far as I could see huge icebergs rose, row after row, out of a calm azure blue ocean. The fin of something huge and whale-like dove back the surface further out and the sky were without a cloud. It was beyond words how beautiful it was and even though I felt goose bumps under my clothes, I hardly felt chilly. I couldn’t hold back a grin.  
“Kai, over here. Good morning.” Iroh called happily from the ship’s stern where a tea table had been brought outside.  
I tore myself away from the icescape and ran over to my new firebending instructor.  
“Good morning Master Iroh!” I clapped my hands together and bowed.  
“Today we are going to test the full extent of your abilities Kai. Do you mind showing me a bit of what you know?” He stepped aside and gestured me to use the space on the deck.  
“Right now? As I said… I haven’t really firebended before, let alone had a tutor.” I scratched my arm. If I slipped up I would look like a complete chump.  
“Just do what comes natural to you.” He sipped his steaming tea.  
I’d never actually fought in the real world before but I hoped that Jerry had made sure the hard-wiring for that was in place too.  
I sucked in air through my teeth and then took a stance. It was the weirdest thing. As soon as I’d decided that I was going to fight I wasn’t consciously moving my limbs anymore. It had been like that yesterday too. Suddenly my body switched to autopilot and did the most amazing things. It felt natural but at the same time strangely unfamiliar. Round kicks flowed into high jumps and acrobatic flips. Then I added the fire.  
This time I didn’t need to ‘warm up’ my thoughts to generate fire. I was already blazing with energy.  
My palms shot flames and my feet traced fire in my steps. Defeating countless invisible enemies until the set was done. I finished by firing a spinning blast straight up in the air.  
It felt good –really really good.  
I was chasing my breath as I stared down at my palms with an astonished grin.  
Considering that it had been my first attempt of firebending in motion, ever, I was very proud of myself! My heart threatened to leap out of my chest. I wasn’t a dud. I was awesome!  
“Wonderful, simply wonderful Kai. And so exotic! I’ve never seen that type of firebending before.” Iroh clapped.  
“You are applauding something that wasn’t even firebending.” Zuko scowled and pushed off the rail. “This is how real firebending is supposed to look like.” He added.  
I moved aside with an insulted look on my face.  
Zuko took a strong stance and with extreme precision he started to show off kicks that arched fire five feet in the air and shooting orange flame rings in a smooth leap.  
I couldn’t help but to stare.  
It was quite mesmerizing how he could land perfect every time and keep his footwork intact, but his face was stained. I could suddenly picture all the times he must have fallen and how frustrated he must have been with Azula’s natural gift that triumphed his own. It made me impressed with his dedication but at the same time I pitied him. He really didn’t look like he was enjoying himself.  
Zuko finished with a sudden blast that flew right by me.  
I dodged away from it, but the reaction was delayed and it had made me look frigid. I cursed in my head. You just couldn’t let your guard down for one wink around this guy. He straightened himself and sent me an unkind smirk. He’d caught me staring and I rolled my eyes.  
“Your ‘prancing around’ is an insult to the sacred act of firebending.” Zuko growled and rolled his shoulders. I felt anger burn in my face.  
Prancing around? OKAY! That’s it! This prissy Prince was biting the dust today!  
I cracked my knuckles.  
“Well, if you’re so sure your form is better than mine, I suggest we put it to the test.” I said as I stepped up to Zuko.  
I’d noticed that his firebending stances were dictated by strict sets, which made him predictable. Maybe I could take him down if I just followed my intuition on this one.  
“I don’t fight little girls.” Zuko said and turned his back on me to swig down a cup of tea. That was a huge offense considering he’d fought his baby sister several times, and lost.  
“Are you scared I’ll beat you?” I mocked.  
“Kai, I’m not sure your firebending is controlled enough for a sparring match. You could both end up getting hurt from the lack of contained power.” Iroh said raising a hand.  
I thought about it. He was right.  
“Okay, not a firebending match then,” I said. “how about a fair fight then?”  
“What do you mean a fair fight?” He asked over the shoulder.  
“I mean a combat with no bending or weapons.”  
“I don’t’ think-“ Iroh’s advice was cut short by Zuko.  
“I’ll do it. Then you know not to challenge me again.” He walked to stand a few meters from me and took his stances. I tightened the sash around my waist. Our eyes locked; his almost white gold and mine blacker than wells.  
Iroh shook his head at our foolish rivalry.

Zuko made the first move. He charged and flung an athletic kick meant for my shoulder.  
The speed surprised me. Again my body moved perfectly and dodged his flying attack just in time. It was like some unseen puppet master was pulling at my strings - the movements became only clear to me in the moment they happened. I felt a smile creep on my lips. I twisted behind Zuko and dealt a firm blow in his back with the heel of my hand. He stumbled forward but swiftly found his footing. Zuko whipped around and the anger in his eyes burned through me.  
The next sets of collision between us was fast and acrobatic, both of us going for each other’s throats. Zuko was swift, and I was flexible and it became a blur of flowing actions.  
If this was fighting I quickly agreed with myself; I liked it a lot.  
I evaded one of his hits but in a snatch Zuko had grabbed my wrist and twisted it behind me. I didn’t even have to think, before throwing him to the floor. He fell hard. It rung hollowly thought in the ship, and the sound made the smallest hairs on my arm stand up.  
Even so, the fight wasn’t over yet.  
I leaped on top of him but Zuko diverted my direction and I fell next to him, face first. If the sound of a body falling down was unnerving, I’ll tell you the sound of a skull smashing against metal was even more so. My face felt numb as I pushed myself off the ground. Zuko froze mid-motion of getting up. I tried to punch him in the chest but he dodged and pulled me down to floor level again - he had his arm tightly around my neck. It was like being choked by a sweaty lean log of wood. I bit him less than daintily in the hard flesh of his forearm and it made him curse.  
I hadn’t ever heard him curse before; honestly I didn’t think he knew how. He lost the grip on my neck. We tumbled around on the deck, both equally matched in speed and attention for easy openings. I finished on top of Zuko and pinned him under me.  
My blood pumped as if trying to escape my body and I could hear my own pulse in my ear.  
Zuko chased a hated breath.  
As I looked down on my opponent I realized that I had won! Fair and square.  
A single red drop landed on his smooth cheek. I felt something warm dripping from my nose. I let go of Zuko’s wrists and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. Lukewarm blood smeared across it.  
I had never had a nosebleed before.  
“The match is over! What good is it to teach you skills, if you are going to use them against each other in blind temper and pride?” Iroh scolded.  
I crawled off of Zuko. We both stood somewhat awkwardly. The blood was streaming down my chin. I had to spit when it seeped in to my mouth.  
Iroh laid a hand on each of our shoulders.  
“I apologize Master Iroh.” I muttered. As I observed my shoes I saw the red drops dot the deck.  
“Kai, go take care of that nose, and then we will train your firebending afterwards.” Iroh was calm but the scolding element never left his voice.  
I didn’t look up before I’d reached the washroom. Having my nose smashed hurt, but disappointing Iroh was a hundred times worse.

In the washroom I spat blood out in the sink and cleaned my face. The collar of my dark wrap-around was black in the front from my nosebleed.  
I tried to scrub it off, but the thing with blood is that it lingers.  
Then I sat still for some time with my nose to the celling and a rag to stop the bleeding. Damned Zuko, I wasn’t afraid of him! He really was a jerk. Arrogant and awful and stupid.  
I mumbled angry things under my breath, but at least I had knocked that smirk off of his stupid face for a minute.  
I looked in the mirror and removed the bloody cloth. My nose was red, but it didn’t look broken, purple, or split so that was a plus. I checked my teeth too; they were all in place and I wasn’t missing anything. They looked fine, if not a little bloody also. I let out a long breath.  
In hindsight it was perhaps my fault. I’d challenged Zuko. And right when I’d hit my head, I got the feeling that Zuko was about to stop the fight. I had been the one to continue.  
That reminded me.  
“Ugh, my head.” I murmured and grabbed my skull, which was weighty and pulsating in a strong rhythm. My nose was singing second choir in a light, less painful but still insisting, tone.  
Fighting might be fun kiddos, but the aftermath is a tedious matter.  
Back up on deck Iroh was instructing in the dragon’s breath, a technique that I was somewhat familiar with and was used to retain body heat.  
Small orbs of fire puffed from Zuko’s lips. I sat down next to him and took a deep breath. I folded my hands. Zuko flicked his eyes to me in a curious glace. The anger had left him and so had mine. We shared something unspoken.  
Unnoticing, Iroh told us to feel the fire within.

That night I was exhausted. I came back to my room after ten hours of complicated chi-techniques and physical training. I hardly had any energy left to drag myself off the deck and down the two levels of stairs. I also hadn’t been able to manage the dragon’s breath, but as Iroh had put it; despite my talent I was only a beginner. That annoyed me endlessly. How could I be so advanced as to firebend water, but not breath fire? I guess I wasn’t a natural at everything.  
I threw myself on the bed and I wondered if Zuko was just as worn-out as me. Probably not, he was used to doing this every day.  
My entire body was tingling with fatigue. I yawned and decided to fall asleep without taking a shower or eating dinner - all that stuff would have to wait until I had slept. Numbly I kicked one of my gata sandals off and lay still. I’d started to drift into blackness when a pounding on the door forced me back from the upper layers of sleep.  
“Come in…” I said in another yawn, and my face in the madras. I hoped it wasn’t Iroh - I would have to stand in respect because he was my Master. My eyes were closed. I really had no more strength to fight against the embrace of my bed. My door opened and closed. Heavy boots ‘clonked’ over the floor and stopped near me.  
“Coordinates.” Zuko’s voice was heard somewhere above me. I tried to lift my hand to wave him away, but it was too much of a job. My muscles were over-cooked spaghetti, and my mind was sluggishly holding on to consciousness.  
“I’m sleeping Zuko.” I mumbled.  
I could feel the energy evaporating from my soul for every second that dragged on.  
“I don’t care. You still have to keep your end of the arrangement.” He demanded, I nodded slowly and the dreams were only a small step away from me.  
“Wake up!” Zuko scowled annoyed. I wondered if he would resort to physically drag me out of bed now that I’d disobeyed him. I wondered if he even dared to touch me, or if he was as uncomfortable with girls as I believed him to be. I smiled with my eyes closed.  
“I’ll do it tomorrow I promise. Really… Promise…” I muttered and drifted off again.  
“You shouldn’t have asked for a Master if you weren’t ready to take the conscience.” Zuko said, but his voice was somewhat neutral. He fell silent for a moment, I guessed he could recognize a lost cause when he saw it, then I heard him ‘clunk’ back across the floor.  
I was already asleep when the door closed. 

I woke up early. This was the first time in four days I hadn’t been woken by an annoying banging on my door. I was sore and aching in muscles I didn’t even know I had, but felt all together well-rested and my mood was a good one.  
I lay on my back and stretched my feet to the celling. My feet look horrid after not wearing shoes while training. My only shoes I’d brought were the gatas, and they were not for fire bending kicks. I imagined myself doing combat with Zuko and one of my sandals flying off into the distance and plop in the ocean. Nope, not for firebending.  
I rolled out of bed and looked out the window, it was still dark outside. I didn’t know if it was late or early, and it made me feel extremely alienated for a moment. I shook the thought out of my head and took a breath. Alien or not, I really needed a shower. I grabbed my sandals by the bed and opened up to the hallway. These doors are so heavy and loud I hope I won’t wake up anybody I thought to myself as I peered down the hall and found the ship to be completely lifeless and eerily quiet. I wondered again what time it was, and if I really was awake in the middle of the night. The steel skeleton of the ship moaned and complained on the ocean waves. It felt almost ominous and I rubbed my arms to get rid of the goose bumps. In a brisk pace I headed for my awaited shower.

First door around the corner on the right: washroom.  
I tiptoed over the clicking metal-plated floor and grabbed the airlock. I was starting to get used to the ships anatomy, aside from the creepy noises. But I knew where everything was, and I could roughly find my way around the identical hallways. I was content with my own memory skills. But maybe I shouldn’t have been.  
I opened the door with a smile on my face – however, instead of the washroom, there was a shitless Zuko in the middle of the room looking at me with a surprised expression.  
As I registered that, I froze.  
The moment, even though it only lasted for an instant, felt like a lifetime. Zuko had clearly just woken up and the warmth of sleep oozed out of the bedroom.  
“Sorry!” I shouted and heaved the door shut. On the other side I leaned against it and inhaled sharply. That was a stupid move; as I leaned against the door, it opened inward and I fell.  
Now imagine the horror that washed over me as I lay on the ground looking straight up into a couple of yellow orbs that held the most confusion I’d ever seen eyes contain.  
My cheeks felt hot and the only thing I could say was a static noise that sounded like: “eeeeeeh”.  
A pinkish blush splashed over his face too.  
I flew to my feet and took a step back. He still wasn’t wearing a shirt.  
“What are you doing?” Zuko asked surprised.  
“Wrong door!” I exclaimed. “I was-“ I pointed to the opposite door in the hallway “but then you-“ I pointed at him “and I-“ Pointed to the floor. My communication skills were brilliant and I felt the heat in my cheeks intensify. He still a looked little stunned.  
“I thought your room was that way!” I said and gestured a direction. I was quite sure I knew that Zuko had his bedroom far-faaar away from mine. It had been the room we’d first met in and that was on a completely other level of the ship together with Iroh’s room and the dining hall.  
“I changed it because of the broken door.” He said slowly.  
“Oh right! The door that was broken.” I glanced at his chest but quickly flicked away from it. Why wasn’t he wearing a shirt!? Please put on a shirt, please put on a shirt, please put on a goddam shirt, I chanted panicky in my head.  
“Were you looking for my room…?” He asked. I blinked.  
Was I? No? No. No, no, na-ah, nope!!  
“Is this your tasteless way of getting revenge?” Zuko was returning to his normal status quo and the edginess was back in his voice together with the rest of his face.  
“What! Never! I’m not a perv!” I glanced at his chest again and smacked a hand over my eyes. I realized the awkwardness of my gesture and tried to make the action normal by running the hand through my hair as I talked.  
“I’m gonna go!” I backed away. “That way.” I pointed, but it occurred to me that was the wrong way ”No. This way. I’m gonna go this way.” And then I ran back to my room as fast as those stupid loud wooden shoes could carry me. That had to be the worst thing I had ever experienced when it came to embarrassing encounters, and I wanted die.  
The door to my room wasn’t collaborating, and I wondered if Zuko could see me, or if he’d followed me, but I didn’t turn to check. The airlock was so heavy and had a tight handle. That was highly impractical in any situation if you asked me. Well not in the worst-case scenario of a ship break where you would have to hold the water out. Never mind! Still!  
Not a smooth quiet getaway. I was about to consider blasting the damn door to pieces with a fiery explosion when it finally gave way and opened with a loud shriek. I spilled into the room and swooshed under my blankets. The unmistakable stereotyped teenage-desire to burying myself under ten feet of dirt vibrated through every nerve of my system. I clenched the burned pillow over my face.  
It was going to be a difficult day. 

Iroh’s training started at dawn and I was too early on deck. So was Zuko of course. He pretended that I was invisible and that was more than fine with me! Iroh finally showed up with Tenzo in his step, who was carrying the fully stocked tea table like a platter in one hand.  
“Morning.” I said to the both of them.  
“Ah Kai, and a fine morning it is.” Iroh nodded in agreement.  
“Can I help Tenzo?” I started reaching for the pot of boiling tea that balanced on the table, but Tenzo heaved it out of my reach. He had the height of a bolder and the muscle of an ox.  
“Good morning. I would never allow a Lady to burden herself with tasks that are beneath her.” He replied overly ceremoniously as always. I had mixed feelings about that statement.  
“Do you say that because you think I’m weak?” I pushed my lips.  
“No certainly not Lady Kai. I am sure your strength and wit outdoes the ones of your piers.” He stopped in his tracks and bowed to me.  
“Aw. Stop.” I grinned and made a ‘get out of here’ wave.  
“Simple commoner.” Zuko muttered coldly and poured himself a cup of tea as Tenzo was putting the table down.  
“Snooty aristocrat.” I hissed back and scrunched up my nose.  
His eye twitched over the brim of the cup.  
We followed up on our chi-exercises and then we moved on to breaking down a new set of fire bending forms. My body was still stiff from training like I never had before, and I felt how every kick made my muscles shriek in pain. I just had to bear with it!  
After breakfast Iroh showed me a new mind-calming exercise called the cherry blossom. It was a slow moving of the hands close together, like leafs dancing in circles and generating small shapes of fire. It was meant to help feel the stream of the chi but I didn’t quite understand it, as I didn’t know much about meditation. I know my complete incompetence showed, but luckily Iroh was more patient than me.

Zuko fought against three soldiers at once and tried the new form Iroh had instructed while I meditated. Concentrating was almost impossible because Zuko was like a furious tornado of fire and the flame blasts meant for the guards shot by me alarming close to my head.  
The poor guards were knocked out one by one. A guy even got thrown in the water, fortunately we were still stuck in the ice so the shivering guard crawled right back up and bended him self dry. I felt kind of bad for the crew in general.  
Iroh corrected Zuko and Zuko snapped back at him. When I felt the scorching heat from one of Zuko’s fire-whips while he argued with Iroh I decided to give those two some room.

When I came back up, the sun had begun to set over the endless ocean.  
Zuko was standing with his hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath. He was covered in sweat and the shirt was off. I immediately felt myself blush and I marched determinately over to Iroh. I had I meditated on the cherry blossom movements until I got bored and frustrated and now I was ready to call it a day.  
Iroh was playing Pai Sho at a round table and sipping tea.  
“Do you know Pai Sho, Kai?” He asked while observing the tiles as if they’d move by them selves.  
“I know of it, but I don’t know the rules.” I looked at the complicated game in front of me. I tapped gently on the lotus tile. “This one is my favorite.” My eyes found Iroh’s and we smiled knowingly to each other. It was a gaze of significance.  
“It’s just a silly game for old people that have nothing to do all day long!” Zuko shrugged into a robe and tied it at the waist. It hung open at the top and I could still see his chest. I cleared my throat and felt a heat rise to my face.  
Iroh ignored his nephew’s criticism and moved a game piece with a jade-lily in the middle. I looked at the other pieces and then at the elaborated grid. I decided that if I were to learn Pai Sho, it would perhaps have to wait till after I’d mastered my element and defeated the Firelord.  
Zuko was towering over me.  
“Do you know how to play?” I asked up at him. I was pretty sure he did but I was curious. I imagined him and Iroh played once in a while when they were stationery at port or when Iroh could make Zuko give after hours of begging.  
“Of course I do.” He said curtly and sat down between Iroh and I.  
“Now, get me the avatar.” Yellow irises burning red with determination in the sunset.  
“But we haven’t even started sailing yet? And don’t we need to dock for repairs before pursuing anyone?” I asked, pointing out the obvious.  
“I will need coordinates soon enough.” He said with a set jaw. The tendons danced on the bone.  
I considered my answer.  
My answer would determine everything. If I told him to sail toward the south where I knew Aang was ultimately going to be, we could end up getting there before him, and maybe some important bits to the story would be lost. Or, option number two, I could guide him out on a wild goose chase, but then he’d properly just end up kicking me off the ship for being ineffective or something like that.  
I thought it over some more.  
Zuko shifted in his seat, he was the most impatient person I’d ever known. Something told me that whatever I chose to tell him, he was going to be suspicious. But the real question was whether or not he was desperate enough to follow my advice despite that.  
“Fine, I’ll tell you where to go.” I sighed.  
.  
.  
.


	3. The way

Chapter 3: The way 

The ship was finally freed the ice as the firebending guards had worked in shifts around the clock on Zuko’s merciless orders. I had also helped melting the ice but my bending was still to be refined and I had perhaps done more damage than good in that department.  
Fortunately no one saw the one time where I shot a flame blast toward the iceberg and a smaller heap of snow came crashing down and buried me.  
I was stuck there for some time, until I tried to steam the snow away. That evidently set fire to my hair. After dealing with a bad-hair-day for a few days I’d swallowed my pride and crawled to Tenzo for help. I’d felt anxious about asking a Commander, not to mention a huge military man-y-man, to be my hairdresser but Tenzo had snipped off the ends with sword and hadn’t asked questions. He was actually quite gentle in the way he handled his surroundings and considering the circumstance Tenzo had done a brilliant job.

We had to sail for the shipyard for repairs. A Fire Nation harbor in the southwest of the Earth Kingdom, and it would take us a little over three weeks over open water to get there.  
I’d told Zuko that the avatar was heading towards the North Pole.  
I hoped that it wouldn’t mean disaster for all of us. And who knew, maybe fate would intervene and aid us in our quest. Speaking of which, I hadn’t had another reoccurring spirit ‘episode’ and I honestly wasn’t trying for it to happen again. I sensed that I had to tread carefully in those waters. Partly because it scared the heebie-jeebies out of me to be zombiefied by forces unknown, and partly because there was something pressing on my skull like a thought or an instinct that told me to keep my palms off that stove.  
So I was being careful with my bending which hindered me further in my meditation training. It felt like there was a snake somewhere in my room and I if I suddenly lifted the covers or looked behind the chest, it would jump out at me. Until I could find some more information on what my ‘spirit stuff’ was capable of I didn’t know if it was potentially deadly. Better not to risk it, I thought as I made my way up on deck. 

As time passed on the ship the early mornings and late evenings started to come natural to me. Neither Zuko nor I was granted any spare time free from training during the daylight hours, but it neither of us was pining for it. Zuko sometimes wandered off in frustration or to bark commands at the Captain but in general every hour was spent on deck, drilling sequences to our clothes was drenched. I didn’t mind working hard because it didn’t feel like work at all! I just really enjoyed learning and listening to Iroh’s teachings. I took notes of his wisdom and observed him train Zuko, and best of all was being trained myself! Every time Iroh had taught me a new set I became obsessed with getting it seared in my mind and muscle. It wasn’t the same kind of obsession as Zuko had. He was determined and aggressive in his discipline; he had something real to loose where as I didn’t.  
I often caught Iroh watching Zuko with a slightly worried glance. 

Today was especially exciting for me because Iroh had promised that I was going to learn how to control my firebending in water.  
I was sitting across Iroh and between us stood a pot of tea and few cups. It was very cold on the ship that day. Since we were finally on the move the artic wind howled over the deck and I didn’t have a coat. Well, neither did Iroh or Zuko for that matter, but they just seemed run a little hotter than me I supposed. Zuko was training in the background in a sleeveless vest. He finished one set and did the next over and over without stopping.  
I pushed my lips and turned my attention back to Iroh to listen.  
“Firebending water is a wondrous and dangerous gift to have Kai. There is water in everything that lives, including you and me. A waterbender once said to me; to control water is to control life.” Iroh paused and stroked his beard. “Many Master firebenders have the ability to manipulate liquid as they can heat their hands and apply that heat to water. Even the ‘dragon’s breath’ is based on that principal as you apply heat to the entirety of your own body. However to manipulate the temperature directly in our contrasting element is extraordinary.” He gestured the cup of tea in front of me. “Try to heat the tea without touching the cup.”  
I looked skeptically at Iroh. Directly firebending water? Was that even possible?  
After a moment I folded my hands in my lap and stared at the tea.  
We had sat there a while and nothing had yet to happen.  
I was getting frustrated and shifted around in my seat. I had been so careful with my bending that turning it on and then do something ‘extraordinary’ was intimidating me.  
“Let your chi flow Kai. Do not try to hold on to it.” Iroh instructed as if he had read my mind.  
I cast him another uncertain glance.  
“Let yourself be unbound.” He advised.  
More time dragged itself by and the frustration inside me grew. Honestly I about to grab that dainty little cup and hurl it in the sea.  
But just then something began to stir on the mirror of the jasmine tea.  
A tiny single bubble rose to the surface and busted with a little ‘blup’ - and then another and another broke the waters reflective surface. Steam started to hover. I smiled but kept my gaze.  
Well look at me go! Waterbending with freaking fire!  
The boiling tea sputtered with angry sounds. I made it stronger. Now the cup started to shake and tremble under my influence.  
I clenched my fists and the porcelain blew.  
With a satisfying ‘smash’ the cup had exploded in to bits and I grinned arrogantly at the pieces. It was first when I met Iroh’s eyes that my smile dropped. He pulled at his beard and didn’t say anything as he placed a new cup with tea in front of me.  
I blinked at it.  
“Please Kai. Can you demonstrate again?” Iroh was as serious as I’d ever seen.  
I was wary of his demand but stayed quiet too as I turned my focus to the cup.  
My influence intensified and faster than before the steam rose.  
The cup trembled. Cracks sprung through the china’s patterns with a gnawing sound. I saw the molecules in the water in my head, and I saw them shake until they blurred.  
Then there was a sudden ‘clink’ and tea splashed all over the floor. The cup had broken in threes equal pieces. I jumped as it happened, because the cup in front of me wasn’t the only sound. There was another set of ‘clinks’ to my left. The teapot and the two other filled cups that stood on the tray besides us were shattered too. I had destroyed the entire tea set.  
I hadn’t even looked at the teapot when it’d sprung.  
“Master Iroh…?” I asked cautiously.  
“Interesting. Very interesting indeed... Kai, I have never seen that kind of ability displayed by anyone before. This is very unusual.”  
“Haven’t others-?” I started but trailed off.  
“Yes. The Olden Masters from legends have said to feel the fire in water. We must be careful when exploring your gift. That…” He looked grave and picked up a broken piece of china “… Is a powerful and potentially deadly weapon. You must never use it against an opponent you are not willing to kill.” Irohs golden eyes flashed.  
Kill??  
I had never giving killing another person a thought. Perhaps in the way that you would wish your gym teacher to drop dead or cursed the bus driver that drenched you driving through a puddle. But never truly slice a throat or something horrible like that.  
And now Iroh was telling me that I had a finger on the trigger on a gun that none of us fully understood. To bend water in another body, to boil a person from within, that was the danger I had to come to terms with.  
A shiver ran through me.  
I heard shifting behind me and I saw Zuko eyeing at the broken tea set.  
He looked as unnerved as I felt. 

The following days Iroh tried to teach me how to tone down my elemental death ray. I heated cup after cup to try to only make it steam and not smash. But I couldn’t stop the influence before it was too late. I must have broken over a dozen sets in those two days, we couldn’t use metal as it began to glow white and partially melt under my bending.  
That wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was that the radius of my power grew unintentionally, and that it was activated through spontaneous negative emotion. I’d learned that when I was getting aggravated and the cup that Zuko was drinking from over by the rail sprung right in his hand.  
“Oh I’m so sorry! Are you hurt!?” I jumped up and ran to him – like any decent person would’ve, I might add. Zuko just knit his face together.  
“You better get this under control soon!” He shook his dripping hand.  
“I’m trying!” I said through my teeth. I was really at the end of my rope there. Iroh and I had been drilling meditation and tests for hours.  
I felt heat rising in my chest.  
“Clearly you aren’t trying hard enough.” Zuko snapped at me.  
“I’m giving this my all, so shut it!” My cheeks felt red and puffy.  
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that, peasant!”  
“You arrogant little-“ I hissed.  
Then a horrible thing happened. I happened while I was talking. I saw, only for a millisecond, how Zuko’s blood flowed in his veins. I watched the molecules shake. I didn’t mean for it to do that! I honestly didn’t! But I was bending him from the inside.  
Zuko gasped lightly and looked confounded.  
When I realized what I was doing I managed to drop my bending like a sack of stones and bolt.  
I ran inside and downstairs.  
Gloomy thoughts swirled in my head. I knew that I had requested a new and great kind of firebending but this was entirely out of my league. There was a huge pressure on my shoulders to keep myself under control, not to mention responsibility. I wiped my face with both hands and leaned against the wall of the empty corridor. I missed being home and normal and in control. I missed my mom… She would always know just what to say to bring me back to earth when I was swirling out of orbit.  
I hugged my waist but the comfort didn’t take.  
The corridor wasn’t empty for long. Zuko had run down the stairs, but as he saw me he slowed down. I starned from him and quickly wiped a runaway tear away from my cheek.  
“Feel the room Zuko. I don’t want to talk about it.” I said and started walking away.  
“Wait.” He said, but it sounded more like an order than something friendly. If I wasn’t in the mood to talk I was deffinently not in the mood to be ordered around. Zuko jogged to catch up to me.  
I shot him a strong glare when he grabbed my shoulder to make me stop.  
“You could be a good firebender. But you lack self-control.” His voice was calm and the red light made his eyes look orange instead of yellow.  
Hah! That’s rich coming for him: The master of anger management and self-control.  
I brushed his hand off me.  
“Did you follow me down here just to point out the obvious mister high-and-mighty?!”  
“No! In fact I want to help you achieve it.” He snorted.  
I shifted my weight.  
“You can’t even keep you head cool in the freaking arctic.” I lifted a brow.  
I could see that Zuko tried not to prove me right by holding his anger down. He clenched his jaw. It occurred to me that he did that quite a lot. It made him look older and meaner.  
“I have meditated in over ten years and I have mastered the technique to control fire. I am doing you a favor.” He said in a tight tone.  
“A favor? To who? I know you well enough now to know that you don’t want to waste time to do the good deed of the day. Or by with being social, or pleasant for that matter! So what’s the catch?”  
“I have to!” He blew out “If you can accidentally kill people I have a responsibility to my crew to teach you how to contain your little outbursts!”  
I looked up at him shocked. He had a point there. I felt my heart sink all the way to my feet. I guess it showed because Zuko spoke a little less harsh.  
“Every evening after training you will come to me and I will teach you how to keep your emotions under control.”  
I eyed him skeptically. “Why don’t Iroh just teach me?”  
“Because he trains us all day, and he made me-“ Zuko cut himself off. I could see anger rise in him again before he took a breath and continued. “My uncle said that I would be more suited to pass on his training. We’re the same age.” He crossed his arms.  
I was willing to bet that Iroh had another reason. Zuko and I was both tempered and we fought at least once or twice a day already. This would force us to work together. Maybe it was a case of getting two birds with one stone.  
Zuko pushed passed me in the narrow hallway.  
“Well. Are you coming?” He said over his shoulder.  
“Right now?”  
“Yes. Come on! Today you get the basics. Then you can practice until tomorrow.” He said.  
I was not so sure that this was going to be a smooth sail. I felt my hope for the next few days to be fun and enlightening run dry.

We sat on a rug opposite each other in Zuko’s old room. The door had been fixed and the burn damage reduced. There were still scorch marks on the walls though. Tapestries hung on the walls together with the dao swords. They gleamed in the candles lively flames. His room was very dark, come to think of it. Other than that it looked like I first had seen it.  
“Close your eyes.” He ordered as he sat with his own eyes closed. I obeyed but not without a heavy sigh of annoyance.  
Did he not know how to talk to people? Ordering me around was not on the list of things that made me compliant.  
“And be silent!” He barked.  
I had to bite my tongue if I wasn’t to verbally assault him right there on the spot.  
“Now. Breath. Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth.”  
I did so.  
“Slower.” He said in a calm tone. I slowed down.  
“Feel your chi in your body and how it naturally flows within you. Like a… Ehm… stream.” He stumbled on a word and I would guess it was because he was trying to recite Iroh.  
I concentrated, but it felt like my chi was swirling around and all over the place - not flowing at all. I peered out from one eye to see if Zuko was doing something I wasn’t. He looked peaceful with his eyes closed. The light shone on his jawline and I opened both eyes.  
He looked kinda… Nice.  
Especially now that his face wasn’t pulled in angry lines. And it felt so different to be this close to him when he wasn’t trying to fight me or yell at me.  
I glanced at his lips.  
Thoughts started to whirl in my head. It was really odd having him this near and so quiet...  
“Slower!” He commanded and I squeezed my eyes shut.  
I felt my heart beating and my face turn pink.  
I had to be focused. Focused! I found the rhythm again. We sat there for quite a while and I began to get bored. I knew how to breathe! I had actually done it my entire life leading up to this moment, and I would continue until I died! And if the case had been that I didn’t know how to breathe, Iroh had already taught me weeks earlier. All that breathing was beginning to make me restless.  
I opened my eyes again and looked right into Zuko’s.  
It surprised me, and apparently, it surprised him too. We both flinched a little.  
“I said close your eyes.” Zuko’s lip curled.  
“Yours wasn’t closed either!” I pointed at him.  
“I was observing if you did like I’d told you to do!”  
“Breathe!? Yes I was breathing! Do you want to check my pulse too?” I stretched out my wrist to him.  
“I don’t have to teach you, you know. We’ll be at the harbor in less than a week, and you already told me where to go to find the avatar. I just have to keep you under control until we dock, and if that’s a problem, I can throw you in a holding cell.” He reasoned coldly.  
Damn.  
I hadn’t thought of that. He actually didn’t need me anymore on this first part of the mission. I was so bad at this guiding-helping-thing. Or arguably, I was really too good at it.  
“I thought you kept your word.” I said.  
We still had a deal with Iroh teaching me, and maybe that would be enough to keep me here.  
“I was intending to.” He snarled.  
“Then you can’t just drop me off somewhere. Not until I have learned to firebend from Iroh. That was the deal, right?” Wasn’t it? I was not too sure that we’d agreed on those terms specifically, but I hoped he took the bait with the comment to strike his pride. He looked sulky.  
“Then just do what I tell you to!”  
“Fine! I will!” I snapped my eye shut again.  
“Fine!” He said through his teeth, and then took a quick deep breath. “This is important so listen carefully. Once you’ve found your chi-stream-” He said. I interrupted with a dramatic sigh.  
“What?” Zuko asked sharply.  
“It’s just… My chi isn’t flowing at all! It keeps whirling around in all directions!”  
I heard Zuko standing, and then I felt him right next to me. His heat radiated on to me and my heart jumped as I felt his hand on my wrist. He turned my palm up, held it, and placed a finger gently right on top of my wrist.  
“I was kidding before about checking my pulse…” I mumbled and I couldn’t help but to glance cautiously up at him. Zuko’s eyes caught mine. I wondered if he was just as nervous as me. We had never been this close before - unless we were hitting each other that is.  
“Close your eyes. Feel your pulse.“ Zuko said incredibly low, almost in a whisper. I did. I tried to keep my focus on his words. “Concentrate on your blood. Feel it flowing.” He moved the finger up my arm and then back to my hand. And the he was gone.  
“If you can feel that - your chi should follow.” Zuko said as he sat down opposite me again.  
I pushed my distracting thoughts away and saw my own blood behind my lids. The swirls broke and flowed steadily with the stream through my body.  
It looked golden. Like liquid bright light that streamed around in my veins.  
Zuko’s voice sounded far away and under water when he spoke.  
“The next step is also imperative. It is the thing that will help you to be balanced. Firebenders have the ‘fire’ within them, and to balance it out we must contain the ‘frost’ in us as well. But we aren’t born with the coolness,” I snickered at the added meaning in and he ignored me “and so we must find it through meditation. It takes years of mental work to obtain a cold mind.” Zuko continued. “Fire comes from the heart and ice from the head. It is only when there is balance between the two that you can control fire like a Master. Try to see yourself on in a warm place and then a cool breeze passes you.” He said.  
I instantly saw myself on the brim of a huge volcano, ready to blow. Orange and red melted stone colored the sky in sunset pallets. I had to shade my face with my hands for the air seemed to sizzle my skin off. I snapped my eyes open and gasped.  
“I thought you were to be my spirit guide.” Zuko scratched his neck nonchalantly.  
“Start over. I want to get it right.” I said brushing off the insult.  
After some scolding Zuko explained the whole thing again.  
Bla bla bla chi something... I sighed to myself. This was not my favorite aspect of bending.

We had meditated every evening until midnight for days. I was about to lose my mind. Granted, I hadn’t had any deathly boiling episodes, so perhaps it did work. But to meditate for hours with only a small break in the late evening where we had food brought to Zuko’s room, was exhausting.  
Not to mention that we still trained through the day with Iroh.  
Zuko was getting extremely annoyed with me. Mostly because I couldn’t keep balanced or focused, but also because I maybe had some attitude towards him. It wasn’t a walk in the park to keep balance by the way. I was sitting in a freaking oven and Zuko kept telling me to stay cool! His room was like a thousand degrees because of the candles that we’d started bending on, and I got flustered every time his hand brushed mine.  
Feel your chi here, focus there, GOD!  
One night I was soaked in sweat and Zuko looked like he could use a ‘cool breeze’ himself. It was around midnight and I shrugged out of my top vest to dry my face with it. I felt his eyes on me and looked up.  
“Can we call it a night soon? I’m about to evaporate!” I wined.  
“Yes. I think we should call it a night. I won’t get any further with you.”  
I felt insulted. I had worked really hard, and that night I hadn’t even complained about being hungry or about him being an arrogant child when he instructed. I pouted, and proved that I was just as childish.  
“I am actually trying my best here Zuko!” I wiped some blond strands of hair away from my sticky face.  
“Really? I don’t see it. I don’t think this is getting through to you at all, but I guess what’s the point? We’ll reach dock by tomorrow afternoon.” He said with a bite.  
“Hey! That’s not true. I can do it!” I turned to the candles to bend the flames bigger. They grew greater than I’d expected and I accidentally singed my fingertips. I recoiled and sucked air in through the teeth. It really stung. I may have cursed.  
“You are clumsy, distracted and you aren’t taking this seriously!” Zuko spat at me.  
Okay that stung even more than my red burned fingers. My lips were in a hard line.  
“I can do it.” I said determent.  
“You already injured yourself. You may have been given a talent but I don’t think you have what it takes to understand fire’s nature. I suggest that you refrain from bending until you go back from where you came from.”  
I was complete shocked.  
Was he actually saying that I should quit and beat it? And not a few days prior he’d said that I could become a great firebender? Had he been lying?  
I felt sizzling emotion whirling in my face as I quickly stood.  
“You don’t know me! You don’t know anything. Sitting on your stupid tiny ship with a destiny forced on you by your father, you are the one who should quit.” I said with a tight face.  
Zuko shot to his feet too.  
“Don’t push it.” He hissed through his teeth like a snake.  
I pulled a face in disgust.  
“You better not push it!” I lit flames in my hands. I was ready to take him on, but then I felt my flames dying out, and all the blood rushed from my head.  
I’d though it was just a head-rush, but I was wrong.  
A golden light swirled and covered my vision. I staggered. I put a hand to the wall and tried to hold my balance, Zuko took a step closer.  
“Don’t!” I said sternly, but then my consciousness left me.  
Or that’s not what happened, but that’s what it looked like. I sensed hands on my shoulders that steadied me, and then my mind went blank. The white golden river of energy moved my hands for me, I was there to see it, but not awake to do anything about it. My spirit stuff had once again reached out to Zuko - who was stunned, angry and wary. I couldn’t see him but I could feel it.  
And then, I was not seeing anything.

I was standing in a white place. It was so bright I had to squint. Then the mixture of dread and relief struck me! Was I in the white room? Had I come back? Did I want to come back?  
So many questions jumbled over each other in my head. I looked down at myself - I was still wearing the Fire Nation clothes. But that made even less sense to me. If I had indeed returned to the white room I would turn into my normal jeans-wearing self instantly. My eyes got used to the light and I scanned my surroundings.  
I wasn’t back.  
This place was nothing like the white room. This was a forest with tall trees that created a cathedral roof high above in branches and leaves. Everything was blindingly white. I walked around a little until I spotted red and black in between the grid of trees.  
Was Zuko in here with me? Not good.  
I drew nearer, but couldn’t recognize the person standing with his back to me as being Zuko. He had broad shoulders and wild black hair. He was also taller. But there was something familiar about him still. I walked tentatively up to the man and lightly tapped his shoulder. He turned around.  
I had to cover my mouth in surprise.  
It was Zuko. But not the one I knew.  
This was an older version of himself, at least a few years older. He was so different to look at, leaner and almost more like a boy than the young one I knew. And the hair! It went over his eyes and just above his shoulders in dark silky locks. It was very… ‘Good’.  
“Where are we?” He asked unsurely and looked around.  
“I don’t know… Spirit world?” I mumbled as I was picking up my jaw from the floor.  
“Maybe.” He considered that.  
“Zuko? Is it really you?” I asked. He looked at me like I had asked him some extremely stupid question, but then softened his feature to ‘confused’ instead.  
“Shouldn’t I be me?”  
“Yes. And you are, but you aren’t. Do you know who I am?” I gestured myself.  
“Yes. You are Yokai, the worst spirit guide I have ever met.” He said, and I hoped that there was a little humor at the end of that, but he was completely serious about his statement. Who could really blame him. I sighed.  
“Alright-y then. We both know who we are and who each other are.” I smiled and scratched my arm. “Should we try to find our way out of here?” I added unsurely.  
“Yeah. I don’t know why, but this place gives me the creeps.” Zuko said as he looked up at the white ‘nothing’ sky over us in the clearing. He was right. It kinda gave me the creeps too.  
We walked away from the clearing and it wasn’t long before we’d reached a huge lake. It was beautiful and the water was ice blue and crystal clear.  
“You know you look… different, in here.” I said cautiously. I didn’t want to freak him out.  
“I do?” Zuko ran a hand through his dark hair. It surprised me how much I liked it.  
“Yeah, and you talk kinda different too?” I felt my cheeks redden.  
“I don’t feel any different.”  
“Do I look changed in here?” I asked.  
“No? I mean your hair is probably a little longer or something? Wait, no… I think you look like yourself Kai.” Zuko scanned me without taking any issue.  
Weird. He was taking to me like we knew each other, like we were friends.  
I walked to the brim of the water at checked my reflection. Nope. I did not look like myself. I was older and looked like a woman, not a scrawny teenager anymore. That freaked me out. In a stumble I walked backwards.  
Was I messing with a timeline here? What the heck was going on!?  
My travel buddy hadn’t noticed me turning white.  
“So what do you suggest? How can we get out of here? Do you think the others came in here too when the floor collapsed?” Zuko talked but I had no idea what he meant.  
“T- th- the others? What floor?” I stuttered.  
“The floor in the forest where we were to find ‘the mother of faces’? Did you hit your head?”  
“No. No? I don’t think so?” I touched my head, it didn’t hurt but maybe I was suffering from a concussion of a severe degree because I felt dizzy.  
“Let me see.” Zuko came over and looked through my hair. I blushed even more and felt my shoulders go up to my ears. “I don’t see any blood. But you are acting really… Odd.” He said as he let me go. I brushed my hair back down slightly frenziedly while I spoke.  
“I must be in a time that hasn’t happened yet… Wait, did you say ‘Mother of Faces’!”  
“Yeees…” He answered unsurely.  
“Then we are on our way to find your mother! I mean not the ‘Mother of faces’ of course, but your real mom! Ursa!”  
“Yeees?” Zuko was giving me a careful expression.  
“Then I’m not going crazy!! Or maybe I am, but I know where in the timeline we are! Hah! But this still doesn’t make any sense. Why would I be here with you at least one or two years from ‘now’ when we were on your ship two minutes ago!? Did I jump forward in time?” I muttered to myself, and Zuko frowned. “No sense at all. I clearly remember being in your room…” I bit at my nail.  
“… When were you in my room?” He asked with a lifted dark brow.  
“I was in your room, on your ‘old ship’ I suppose you would refer to it as. We are training meditation and I’m bad at it… Do you remember that?”  
“Ehm. Yes.” He evaded eye contact.  
“Why are you getting all weird?” I put a hand on my hip.  
“I’m not getting weird! You are the one- never mind, I think we should find a way out so you can reset or something.” Zuko started walking along the lake.  
Smooth subject change I thought to myself and started walking behind him.  
“This is all so… Strange.” I said as I examined the surroundings again.  
“Tell me about it.” He mumbled. A lighting gleam flashed in the water.  
“Stop! Something just moved.” I said and froze.  
“Where?” He whipped around and reached for his dueling swords that were strapped to his back.  
“There! In the lake. There it is again, can you see it?” I pointed to the light that intensified. Zuko lowered his hands.  
“No? What does it look like?”  
“A light I think. Like a warm… Well, just a light.” I started to walk closer to the edge.  
“Don’t go in the water Kai. We don’t know what’s in there!” Zuko called after me, but my feet were already wet.  
“It doesn’t feel… Dangerous.” I walked further out and the light glided towards me, like a float-y soft serpent. “I think it wants me to touch it.” It hovered underneath my outstretched palm.  
“Don’t!” I heard Zuko splash behind me. “Kai!”  
“Why are you being such a scaredy cat Zuko? It’s just little light.” I said calmly as I leaned forward to the water.  
“I’m not-“ Zuko said and then I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me up gently. “Scared. I just don’t think this is a place where you should touch anything that could potentially kill you.”  
We were standing very close. Zuko looked so calm, and so different, but the yellow eyes had stayed the same. I took a small step back and tugged a lock of hair behind my ear.  
“I know. I’m just teasing.” I said as I felt embarrassed even though I had no reason for feeling that. I looked down and saw the light starting to circle us. Somehow I knew it was time.  
The ship and the time I had intended to be in called me. It felt ominous.  
“I’m glad. You are so much nicer now. Maybe it all works out in the end.” I said.  
“Thanks…? You know Kai you really don’t feel like yourself…”  
“That’s because I’m not me yet. But I will be. Hopefully…” I looked away. He was standing so close. I still had so many questions to ask him. So many things I wanted to say to him.  
Maybe I should just do it. I mean who knew! Maybe I was going back to the white room before I got to see this kind of Zuko?  
I felt confused and dazed.  
The light came closer. I didn’t have any time.  
In one fluent move I stepped upon my toes and placed my hands on his face. He was taller than I expected and less flinch-y. The light almost touched my legs.  
I looked up in to his eyes and Zuko was taken aback.  
“What are you-” He asked very low, but I cut him off when I leaned in.  
My lips were on his. I kissed him. My body pressed against his and my lips felt the warmth almost burned. In a heartbeat he kissed me back.  
Every nerve in me screamed in ecstasy and I could feel the thrill dash through my entire being.  
This Zuko was so accessible. So sweet. And so soft. He deepening the kiss. I had my arms around his neck. My fingers touched his hair and the broad shoulders, and they couldn’t settle until they’d caressed all of him. His hands were gently on my waist and back, with much the same eagerness to roam. He was hugging me in to the kiss.  
I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so badly in the moment that felt so right. But in a flash the light had touched me and I felt myself being sucked out of what the hell that was. He disappeared under my touch and everything faded to white once again.  
Stupid spirit stuff.  
.  
.  
.


	4. A rare flower

Chapter 4: A rare flower

I still felt his lips against mine. I was about to melt completely into the feeling when I sensed the hands on my waist vanish. I’d wished for more and the daze lingered in my mind. Like a curtain unveiling the stage I slowly opened my eyes and gently pushed back.  
Once my eyes pulled the world in focus I found myself back in the ship. Though instead of standing, I was sitting against a metal wall. Zuko was opposite me with a speechless look on his face. His hands were on my shoulders.  
This had been the way we’d sat for a moment before the timeline jumped.  
I recoiled and banged my head against the wall.  
“Ouch!” I winced and grabbed my head with both hands.  
He retracted his own and leaned away from me slowly.  
As if backing away from a snake, I thought.  
Zuko’s cheeks were pink and I would have laughed if I didn’t feel the same color rise to my own.  
My hand flew to my lips. I had just kissed; not only the Zuko had I wanted to kiss, but also this one! Through time or imagination or insanity I had kissed Zuko!?  
Insufferable-stubborn-worst-teacher-in-history-tiny-teen Zuko! I had assaulted him!!  
My stomach knotted together.  
Zuko opened his mouth to say something but closed again, looking he was still thinking about how he would react. I tried to think but my head was spinning.  
“Sorry about that. Spirit stuff…” I breathed out as I scratched my head where I felt the bump already manifesting. What could I say?  
“Did you see..?” I tried to ask him what he’d seen the whole thing; the white forest, the older Kai and Zuko, th-the passionate adult kissing!! I flushed all over again. This was not the time for me to ask him anything, or even be in the room with him, so I cut myself short.  
Zuko opened his mouth again but closed it mutely.  
“Well! I’ll call it a night for now!” I slapped my legs and stood way to fast. I felt the dizziness increase but I tried to shake it off as I walked jelly-legged towards the door.  
“Goodnight!” I yelled awkwardly as I slammed his door without looking back and marched to my room in stiff movements. When I had swung around the first corner - I ran!

I was back in the safety of my locked room. I collapsed on the floor. My legs simply just gave in.  
I felt hot. No not like that, but warm; like feverishly warm and I crawled to the pot of water to drink. I coughed as the water went down the wrong pipe.  
What was wrong with me?! Why was I so strange all of the sudden? Was it spirit stuff – did I have real spirit guidance in me? Or was I bending myself to trigger these ‘visions’?  
That was a horrible thought by the way. I had no control over my bending and I could theoretically accidentally boil myself without knowing!  
But SERIOUSLY!? Was I a freaking TIMETRAVELER?  
I started to hyperventilate. And then the kiss came back to me; the soft, comforting kiss that had made me feel like I had control over something in this damn universe.  
By the way had Zuko really seen everything? Had he seen himself in the older, more likable, version? Did he care? Was he coming to my room and demand an explanation?!  
I was still for a moment and listened by the door. The ship stayed quiet.  
I suddenly felt very alone as I lay on the cold metal floor. I really had no one here. Nobody cared if I died right here and now in this world. They didn’t even know my real name. He wouldn’t care at all if I stopped breathing. He would just remember me like the strange girl who floated out of his life just as quickly as she had entered it. I wasn’t even supposed to be here… And then I slowly fell asleep with my face down in my, now wet, sleeves.

The next morning the sun was sharp and a sunray shone right in my face through the window slit. Today was the day that we docked, I thought as I sat up.  
My body was stiff as a board and I felt heavy. I yawned and wondered if we had training today. But before I could speculate too much about anything, a soft knock on my door made me jump.  
As soon as the knock had hauled me back from sleep I suddenly remembered everything that had happened the night before. My sleep had been dreamless and obliviating but now I was very aware that I had to see Zuko today, and that I had to not make it weird.  
He might even be at my door! I thought in a panic and rubbed my face harshly to evoke some rational thinking. Whatever he has to say, whatever happens, just keep cool Kai!  
I opened up and standing in front me was Iroh. My slightly excited angst was put out like someone had thrown water on a bonfire. Iroh smiled and tucked at his beard.  
“Good morning Kai. You look more beautiful than the rising sun.”  
“G- Good morning Master Iroh…” I gathered my scattered thoughts. “Are we training today? Am I late?” I asked a little hastily. Training meant facing Zuko, and possibly even touching him. A part of me squealed mortified in my head.  
“No, I came to say that we are already docked, and I wanted to ask if you would like to take a stroll around the soldier’s market with me.”  
“We are already docked? How long did I sleep?” I muttered to myself.  
“It is well passed morning now.” Iroh said.  
“Wow… I guess I was really tired. Ehm. But I would very much like to take a walk with you!” I smiled. I was honestly very excited to see the marketplace. Window-shopping here was something to look forward to! All those strange and cool weapons, dried spices and exotic food just waiting for me to explore them! I couldn’t wait to see everything.  
“Wonderful!” He exclaimed.  
After I had readied myself with a little freshening up and grabbed a plum-bun from the galley, I met with Iroh on the dock.

The sun was warmer here than near the pole and it shone like it was summer high above. When I finally stood on firm ground my legs felt wobbly after being so long at sea. The harbor was broad and lengthy and there must have been a hundred ships docked next to our tiny one. Up along the landscape was thousands upon thousands of tents where soldiers had camped. That really sat my understanding of the Fire Nation armies in perspective.  
Zuko stood next to the ship with a sulky expression. My embarrassment flurried up again just as I saw him, and I tried not to look in his direction. Silly really, I hadn’t done anything wrong, per say. Nonetheless I felt myself cringe as we stood beside him.  
“We need to get these repairs done fast. I don’t want to waste any time here, and miss my chance to catch him.” Zuko said to Iroh, who was in one of his jolly moods.  
“You mean the avatar?” Iroh said, and Zuko shushed him.  
“Don’t mention his name around here. If the Fire Nation finds out that the avatar has been spotted, the entire fleet will soon be looking for him!” Zuko spoke in a low hissing tone. I was admiring the ships and was surprised to hear a new voice enter the conversation.  
“Looking for whom I may ask?” The unmistakable voice if Zhao made me whip around. How had I forgotten he would be here?  
I saw Zuko and Iroh lying their best, which was still terrible, about the ship’s damage.  
I walked closer to them.  
“Oh and who would this unique fire lily might be?” Zhao said as he took my hand to kiss it. I was pretending to be flattered. I cast a strained glance over my shoulder to Zuko as to ask, ‘what the fudge am I going to do??’.  
But Zuko just frowned deeper. I figured he hadn’t any plan of action either.  
Damn. More winging it I guess.  
“I am Lady Yokai of the Fire Nation. I was rescued at sea by the generous Prince and the General. After a shipwreck.” The lie glided off my tongue easily, and I bowed to Zhao.  
He smirked.  
“Well that was generous indeed. Now that you are at port, it would be my pleasure to escort you back to the Homeland as the Prince, I’m sure you know; cannot.” Zhao said in a charming tone and I heard Zuko snort behind me. “I apologize, but I did not know that civilians were allowed to cross the border to the south.” He continued. Ah, plot hole.  
“I don’t think they are, I wouldn’t know, but the ocean-” I made my voice quiver a little “carried me off to the icy wasteland in a small rescue boat. I was the only one left.” I covered my mouth and looked away to shield my imaginary sorrow. Zhao’s smirk faded a fraction and I could feel the wheels in his mind turn. Trying to piece the puzzle together.  
“My deep condolences Lady Yokai. Please forgive me that I should bring back those memories. But, what miracles luck that in the thousand deserted miles of nothingness, that is the ice dessert, that you would stumble upon a this rescue.” He gestured our battered ship. “Actually any rescue for that matter.” I gulped as his black eyes drilled excitedly into mine. He knew my story was a lie, but he had yet to define its purpose. That visually aggravated him. Then he breathed out a laugh to himself. “I forget my manners. It would be a great honor if you all would join me for tea. I would simply never pardon myself to be without this tale.” Zhao finished in a shallow head bow.  
“We can’t. We have to go.” Zuko stated as he stepped in front of me.  
Zhao displayed his sharp teeth in a snakelike smirk.  
“Actually I would love some tea. Ginseng is my favorite Commander Zhao.” Iroh smiled jollily.  
“Good. Follow me, you too Lady Yokai.” He bowed to me and shot Zuko a look. I felt out of place, but bowed back. Zuko gritted his teeth and threw a flame he’d been holding in annoyance.

Zhao lead us through a labyrinth of soldiers while conversing with Iroh. He was trying to pry information out of Iroh but it didn’t seem to go his way as Iroh kept changing the subject back to tea.  
“I know he’s up to something…” Zuko muttered as he fell back and walked besides me. I flinched.  
“… He’s going to interrogate your crew.” I whispered. “And I would guess, me included.”  
Zuko glared down at me with a hard suspicious expression. I could see he wanted to know how I knew that. After I’d rolled my eyes I glanced over my shoulder to make sure nobody could hear our conversation.  
“Spirit guide, not traitor.” I breathed out as I bowed my head in a cough. Even though we were out of immediate earshot we were profoundly observed.  
“I didn’t say anything.” His angry yellow eyes met mine as he spoke.  
“Just, please, don’t loose your head.”  
He narrowed his eyes.  
“This man is about to ruin everything.” Zuko hissed.  
“Then don’t let him play you. He’ll expect you to be aggressive and use it for his advantage.” I hurried.  
“And what will you do?” He whispered through gritted teeth.  
“I… Well… I don’t know.” I stuttered. To be honest I had absolutely no idea of how this would play out with me in the equation.  
As we entered the Commander’s tent I had my heart in my throat. Zuko looked cold as ice. 

“Please sit.” Zhao made the gesture sound like an order. Then he snapped his fingers for some tea to be brought in and passed around; that made Iroh smack his lips in a smile. I sat down cautiously and so did Zuko. He glared at Zhao who was drilling him with questions about the avatar. I looked at the map. I knew exactly where Aang and the others were on it right now. They would be at the southern air temple and not too long from now the avatar’s power would be known to everybody anyway so there was no idea in sacrificing anything important in keeping it from Zhao.  
“Fascinating isn’t it?” The deep voice of Zhao was right by my ear and it made me tense up.  
“Yes… Quite.” I sipped my tea and looked up at him.  
“All of the world will belong to the Fire Nation soon enough and then we will rule the next era of man to greatness.” He said with pride.  
“If my father thinks that the world will willingly follow him he is a fool.” Zuko spat.  
“Two years at sea did nothing to tame your insolent tongue.” Zhao pulled an ugly grin.  
My guess was that Zhao liked to make people wallow in their shame and hurt their pride. I hated that about him.  
“But the banished Prince has indeed collected some rare trinkets on his journeys.” Zhao rested his hand on my shoulder as he spoke and I had to bite my cheek not to say something. “… However manners do not seem to be one of them.” He smirked. Zuko shot to his feet, about to yell a comeback, but just then Iroh asked for more tea and the tension defused a bit.  
“Where does such a color of the moon come from?” Zhao asked me as he touched my hair. Out of instinct I slapped his hand away. I flinched, that wasn’t good. His face darkened.  
“Oh! There was a fly Commander. A thousand apologies.” I said in a smile but it never reached my glaring eyes. Zuko snorted a humorless laugh.  
“I see…” Zhao withdrew with hate hanging from his eyes.  
“We have nothing further to discuss Zhao. We’re leaving.” Zuko said sternly. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me along. Iroh followed us with a cup in his hands, but before we could exit the tent the guards crossed their weapons and blocked the way.  
“Commander! We have interrogated the crew as you instructed! They had the avatar but they let him escape.” A guard said as he came running in to the tent from the other entrance.  
“You are not going anywhere until I say so.” Zhao sneered. 

The hours seemed to drag by as Zhao made Iroh and Zuko spill every bean they held about the avatar. Luckily I was more or less overlooked in this little get-together after my ‘insult’. It would be real bad if Zhao suddenly decided that I had information as well. Who knows what could happen if they broke me. I began to feel hot and dizzy. The spirit powers stirred in my chest. Maybe it worked like the avatar’s powers and was activated through stress? I gave it a thought.  
Maybe I had been looking at it all wrong… I absently bit my nail. It was the same! The spirit stuff and the heat-bending was the same. No doubt about it. Maybe I could use it somehow to get us out of this sticky situation. I felt sweat on my forehead. Even if I could think up a use for my niche bending right here and now, it wouldn’t matter if it just activated in a random outburst. I dreaded it as I wiped my face. The warmth of the lit fireplace was pulsating heat into the tent.  
“Lady Yokai, wouldn’t you say?” Zhao smiled his snake smile, as he asked me. He knew that I hadn’t been paying attention. I was burning up from the inside and Zuko narrowed his eyes in a glare. He was afraid that I would blow it.  
“I- I- I’m sorry I’m a little tired could you repeat your question Commander?” I said and blinked a few times to concentrate.  
“I was just saying that the banished Prince is but a teenager and he had no capable chance of capturing the avatar. The task should not be left to him.” It was a test of my loyalty.  
“The Prince saved my life.” I said, stating the obvious.  
“But can he save a nation? I think not.” As Zhao said that - Zuko lit his flame daggers.  
“He is the Crown Prince after all. If he does not have the right to try then who does…” It was getting hard to breathe in my clothes and my words became a little breathless. The dizziness was dimming the light. I willed myself to sit straight and not let what I felt show. “Not you, if that’s what you think.” As soon as I’d said it I knew it was a mistake. I’d told Zuko not to loose his head and here I was walking all over that advice. But it felt good to tell Zhao off.  
The fire in the room glowed redder.  
“Traitor...” Zhao hissed through his teeth. He grabbed my arm and twisted it, hard. I held my breath in pain but swallowed my voice.  
“Let her go Commander.” Iroh talked in a threatening tone and Zhao let go but that didn’t stop me from falling to the ground as my head was spinning. Anger gushed in my veins, but I knew that I couldn’t disintegrate him on the spot. The army would not let us live if I did. I pushed myself off the ground and the air around my feet picked up the dust in a subtle circle. To my luck nobody saw it because the banished Prince was challenging the Commander to an Agni Kai at sunset. A big part of me wished that I was the one to slap Zhao’s little wrinkly face around in the arena, but I knew Zuko needed this win for himself.  
The Commander stormed out and ordered the guards to keep us detained.  
“Prince Zuko have you forgotten what happened the last time you battled a Master!?” Iroh asked in a cautious tone. I cooled down and took a deep breath.  
“No. I will never forget.” Zuko answered slowly as we walked back to our ship. 

I had been told I shouldn’t come to the Agni Kai by Iroh and now I was fuming in the long corridors of our ship. Iroh had patted my shoulder as he spoke. The water made gnawing sounds and it mingled with my irritated steps.  
“Why?” I’d asked.  
“Because Zhao is a dishonorable man and would not hesitate to hurt you if it would win him a disarranging moment.” Iroh had shaken his head in disgust at the mere thought. So no discussion. I had been sent to bed without dinner while ‘the men’ did their thing. That pissed me off. I could see Iroh’s point, but it pissed me off just the same.  
Next time I was not going to be so compliant.  
I walked toward my room with thoughts clouding my sight. I wondered if I really could be a distraction, and if Zuko would win the way I’d hoped and counted on he did. I bit my nail and turned down a hallway. I stopped. Something was off. Before I could register what had set my ‘spidy senses’ on edge, a hand; the size of a dinner plate, covered my mouth and pulled me in to a dark corner of the ship. 

I struggled in the armor plated arms, but his hold was like iron-rods twisted around me. I wriggled around in his clasp and got a glimpse of my captor.  
The man was perhaps two and a half meters tall, his head was bent to fit in our ship’s hallway, and if I had to describe him in one word; ‘brute’ would be the one I’d pick. He had beady little eyes that didn’t catch the light and a broad mouth with thick lips tuning downward. A scar shone white on his dirty cheek, and honestly I think it added to his features more than it ruined it.  
Without a word he’d grabbed both of my arms and twisted them painfully behind my back. I yelped and arched in pain. I was afraid he’d pull the bones out their sockets, so I held as still as I could.  
The brute man ducked through the hallways of our ship as he led me down a corridor, and I hoped it would give him a horrible posture and back pain for the rest of his life.  
A stake of steam hissed from a nearby pipe. In my rage I was very aware that I could kill this man if I needed to.  
I gritted my teeth. But first I wanted to know why he was trying to detain me.  
He could be one of the pirates perhaps, I thought. No, that would clash with the storyline.  
“Let me go.” I said through my teeth and tried to hide the pain I felt in my shoulders.  
The man grunted and twisted my arms higher. I had bitten down on my cheek too hard tasted blood.  
“Are you one of Zhao’s lowly goons? You sure look like it, ugly.” I said in a tight grin over my shoulder to the best of my ability. The man made a sound that resembled something predatorily, and I suppressed a shiver. The image of Zuko knocking Zhao on his butt in an Agni Kai satisfied my inner eye.  
Mr. Manhandling pushed me along in to a dark hallway. We were in the bottom of the ship. I guessed it was leading to a holding cell, but I wouldn’t know cause I’d never been that far down in the ship’s dungeons and coal rooms.  
“Hey big guy! Tell me who you’re working for and I wouldn’t hurt you.” I breathed out a laugh. Just as I’d said that the savage guard let go of my wrists to grab my collar instead. He shoved me against the wall, hard I might add, and glared me directly in the eye. His irises had no color but were pitch black. Much like mine.  
“Be QUIET.” He yelled me right in my face and little spit droplets landed on my cheeks.  
I looked stunned for a second, but that quickly turned bitter and filled with hatred for this man. My calm waters, which I’d really kept quite calm, had turned to stormy oceans, and the tidal wave of wrath rolled over me in the matter of seconds. And then, I did something stupid.

The man froze completely. Letting go of my clothes slowly. I slid down the wall to my feet as he weakened. My capture’s face changed from hideously crossed; into confused, and then terrified. I stared at him - watching my influence manifest.  
He began to sweat. Huge round beads of sweat rolled off his forehead and his eyes had widened to their utmost capacity. Two white golf balls, I thought. It looked like they were about to pop out of his head. I almost laughed at his comical expression but settled for a small smirk on my lips.  
His mouth was starting to hang open, loose at the joints, and a tight note escaped his throat. The man sounded like he was being choked: but that wasn’t the case. His hands flew up to his neck and started scratching the glowing red skin.  
My guess was that he couldn’t breath, but I didn’t care. I kept my eyes into his, and as he fell to his knees I still kept my glare. He was helpless and looked up at me with tear swimming eyes.  
I felt cruel.  
Not that it felt wrong, just cruel, like pulling the wings off a fly. I was boiling the man’s blood and my captor was now my victim. I had the full control. A dark want to make him hurt fluttered in my chest.  
“Who sent you?” I said in a level voice as I squatted down beside the tormented man. He was rolling around on the dirty floor, too panicked to talk or take any intelligent action towards me.  
“Who?” I tried again.  
“Z-Zh-Zhao!!” The man rattled deep in his throat.  
“Alright…” I gave it a thought. “Why?”  
“H-ugh-He wanted to interrogate you!! About-about your white hair!!” The man screamed and tore at his face with trembling hands. My white hair?  
I dropped my bending instantly; it was as if the balloon of power and lust for pain had suddenly been pricked. The guard sucked in a deep desperate breath.  
Zhao didn’t want to interrogate me about the avatar?  
Then a sudden ‘thud’ sounded in the far end of the ship’s hallway. I shot to my feet, ready to take on any of the guard’s backup if that was the case.  
But as I recognized the two nearing shadows in the hall I lowered my stance. Zuko and Iroh walked in long strides toward me. So the Agni Kai was over already? Had Zuko won?  
“Get off my ship, rat.” Zuko spat as the fusing daggers sprung from his hands. The guard, who was regaining some physical control over his body, sent me a terrified glance before he ran in the opposite direction of us.  
Iroh knitted his brows together as his eyes glued to me. I didn’t know how to react to that and I looked just as grave.  
“I apologize for not coming back sooner Kai, but perhaps worrying was unnecessary.” Iroh spoke in a stained voice.  
“I guess...” I said absently. “You know, Zhao wanted to kidnap me and ask me about my… Well… My hair.” I was talking to myself.  
I snapped up to look at Zuko.  
“We have to catch that guard!!” I hurried as something dawned on me.  
“Why would we do that?” Zuko said, puzzled.  
“He must not report back to Zhao.” I yelled, and before I had said the last syllable I was running after the huge armored man we’d just told to ‘beat it’.

I head footsteps at my heels and I think it was Zuko, though I didn’t turn to look. The manhandling guard swung around a corner but his breath was gone and his large posture made it difficult for him to run. I briefly tried bending him, but I was afraid that it would damage anyone but him. Besides my actions had left a sour taste in my mouth.  
I got close to the goon - who was running like the devil was riding him, and tackled him. He was too big and bulky, and my shove hardly made him stumble.  
“Get his legs!” I called to Zuko who had overtaken me. Faster than a bullet Zuko had swept the man’s legs away from behind and Zhao’s thug fell like a ton of bricks in the narrow corridor. Before long our own guards were at the scene, attracted by the racket. They quickly understood the situation and seized the man in question. It took four guards to half-drag him to a holding cell.  
Zuko brushed himself off and looked self-satisfied for a second then he turned to me.  
“Now an explanation.”  
“Quick on your feet! Thanks!” I laid a hand on Zuko’s shoulder as I caught my breath in gasps. “If that man –pew- if he had gone back to Zhao and told about my little trick-” I took a deep breath before I could finish “We could be in big trouble. I think Zhao suspects my spirit-powers.” I looked up at Zuko who was unmoving. Then I realized that my hand was still on his shoulder. I quickly retrieved it.  
“If Zhao get’s a hold of you, it wouldn’t me my problem.” He said coldly and started walking.  
I followed in a jog.  
“Ehm, yeah, it would!”  
“No. You’ve told me where the avatar is and where he is headed. The only thing binding you to the ship is a promise from my side, and if you interfere with that, I have no reason to act.” Zuko stared straight forward as he spoke.  
“True. But I can tell you that your journey isn’t over at the North Pole. You are not going to become the firelord that easily.” Just as the words had left my mouth Zuko grabbed my wrist.  
“Hey! I’ve been manhandled the entire evening can you let go of me!? Why does everybody think it’s okay to grab me?! Honesty, it’s very irritating!” I twisted out of Zuko’s hold.  
“Go in there.” He ordered and pointed at his room.  
“No thank you. I want to take a bath and go to bed and I don’t feel like being ordered around now that I have my freedom back.” I crossed my arms and started walking away from him, but Zuko grabbed the back of my collar and dragged me backwards in to his room where he shut the door with a slam.

“HEY! Seriously!” I shouted and as soon as he’d released my dress I whipped around and fired up a flame in my hand. I was in no mood for his rudeness.  
“You lied to me!” Zuko barked.  
I lowered my fire.  
“… What…?” I was stunned by the accusation.  
“You told me the avatar was in the North.” He walked closer.  
“Yes? And he will be. But that’s not the end?” I was honestly bewildered as I processed what was happening. Did Zuko honestly think this would al be over in a month’s time?  
“Then what’s this about me not obtaining my goals there? I will catch the avatar, I will return home and I will rule the Fire Nation as is my birthright. Are you misleading me?” He glared. Zuko’s scar looked deeper than ever before in the light.  
“You have some serious trust issues.” I said. Even considering his family tree there had to be a limit on how many time I could prove myself to this guy.  
“You do not talk to your future Firelord like that.” He talked through his teeth and took another step closer. I was readying myself for a fight.  
“I haven’t lied. I have no reason for that, and I don’t see a future Firelord in this room right now. You are just a hothead boy that needs to accept his true fate.” I felt my face twist in anger as well.  
“Watch you place, spirit.” He had a look lingering is his features, a look of lust for power and respect – and it made my skin crawl. I knew what it was now; I’d felt it in that corridor with a goon twice my size. I knew the need for control over others.  
I caught my temper and made myself calm down.  
“I know my place. It is right here, opposite of you.” I straightened.  
“What do you mean…?” He asked slowly and relaxed the tension he’d held in his face.  
“What I mean is that I’ll help you as much as I can to follow your destiny; even if you don’t like it. Even if it means being hated by you. I know what’s the right thing to do. And so do you if you just used your damn head.” It sounded almost sad as I said it.  
Zuko was still now. The fire he had been holding too was out and his eyes were drilling into mine.  
The sun was long gone and an evening chill snuck in through the open window.  
“… Your blindness to strings pulling you makes you open to a hurt deeper than the skin. I am trying to be your friend.” I wasn’t sure if he was really hearing what I was saying. Heck, I was talking about strings as I felt them tug at my every move. Who was I to give advice?  
“I don’t need your phony guidance. And rest assured that I don’t need your phony friendship either. You should leave the ship at next port.” Zuko was a shadow as he stepped away from the door he’d been blocking.  
So he really does hate me, huh? Well, why am I here then?  
I left without another word, feeling like I had been smacked in the face.  
.  
.  
.


	5. The waters of the giant Koi

Chapter 5: The waters of the giant Koi

On my way back to my room the fury blazed up again. I was angry at being sad and even angrier at being angry! I shouldn’t let him get under my skin like that! I knew that Zuko was trouble from the start and I had no intention of starting to feel this way. To feel like he really mattered to me.  
“What is the matter with that- that- that idiot? Here I am doing my best to play nice and he still treats me like dirt!” I kicked the hallway as I breathed curses under my breath.   
I slammed the airlock door to my room with such force that the sound echoed piercingly through the entire ship.   
I wanted to yell and scream and be violent, but I had to eat my anger I had to control it. If I didn’t compose myself I could endanger everyone on the ship – I knew that, I knew it, I KNEW IT and I still couldn’t calm down. I didn’t feel in control though. I didn’t control anything! All my ‘power’ was just an illusion because clearly the wheels turned in their destined ways, with or without me here.   
Zuko would eventually go back to the Fire Nation, he would rekindle with Mai and they would live out their goth-y existences together. It’s not like I wanted to take her place anyway. I never planned to relocate my life to this universe, just a vacation, with a little holiday flirting perhaps –so sue me.   
I hadn’t asked for this kind of connection?! For this kind of emotion! And I never recalled asking for something this complicated and in the end it wasn’t even mutual!   
I was alone.   
Alone in a strange world with strange rules and my heart was on the brim of breaking. I gritted my teeth. I wouldn’t let it! Against my will I felt the frustrated tears burn my eyes.   
“I want to go home. Do you hear me Jerry?! I want to go home!!” I yelled out in the room. “Reboot program!! I wanna go home! I wanna go home!!” My voice broke in an awful way.   
I staggered to the wall and smacked my palms on it to stop my knees from buckling. All the irritation, anger and loneliness melted together. I bit down on my cheek and squeezed my eyes shut, as if I could mute my feelings by closing up my face.  
“Lady Kai, are you well?” Tenzo was asking from the other side of my room.  
“I’m fine!” I yelled, not sounding fine at all.  
There was a pause.  
“Forgive me Lady Kai, I’m coming in.” Tenzo said, taking my lack of object as a semi-permission to enter. I don’t think I looked very appreciative of his company as he did.  
Tenzo quietly pushed the door shut and, for the first time, removed his helmet. In my head I’d imagined him with a huge head of wild hair or perhaps a sleek-do combed to the side as he was a military man, but Tenzo was bald as the face of the moon. And almost just as shiny.  
The mere sight made a ghost of a smile appear on my lips.  
“My Lady. On behalf of my disgraceful and disloyal crew I apologize from the bottom of my heart for cooperating with the enemy. And for the hardships that may have entailed for you.” He bowed with a hand on his chest.  
“I don’t blame you that.” I muttered and slumped on the edge of my cot. “Zhao would have gotten what he wanted, with or without you guy getting pinched in the middle.” I waved my hand.   
“The principle stands. If rains of fire comes down upon this ship, you can at least count on me to endure it.” He gathered his heels in a click.  
“… How nice.” My tone was not as grateful as it should have been.   
There was another pause.  
“Listen Tenzo, I’m not at my best right now, and I kinda just need some space-“ I sighed, realizing that it didn’t do any good to pass on my turmoil.  
“Certainly. I shouldn’t have disturbed you.” Tenzo said gravely and pulled the helmet on again.   
“But before I go. Just know that if I can endure a rain of fire, so can you. You have a fire in your heart that blazes brighter than any soldier.” He nodded his goodbye.  
Tenzo’s words stirred my emotions anew and once I was alone I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore.   
It was one of those times where you cry your eyes out for hours and don’t stop until you get the hiccups and your face is flaming red.   
I sensed the ship move over a stormy ocean that night.   
Waves rocked me away from the world.   
We had left the dock.

The next few days were quiet. We were heading for Kyoshi Island as I’d mentioned to Zuko that the avatar would probably be in that neighborhood at the same time as we were.  
My thoughts were messy and unfocused and it made meditating close to impossible, but never the less I followed Iroh’s instructions to the best of my ability. The offer of Zuko being my meditation teacher had removed itself after the ‘spirit incident’ had taken place.   
Not that I wasn’t willing to take any offer which suggested continuing our collaboration. He wasn’t that diplomatic, surprise. And further more, I couldn’t risk being in a closed darkened room with him until my feeling had somewhat dispersed.  
In the meantime I was avoiding even seeing him.  
True, he was the one owing me an apology, so technically he should be the one doing the avoiding part, but I was the one who felt like I’d ‘lost face’ and I was not ready to talk to him. It struck me that a rather annoying pattern was taking form. I got my feeling hurt and then evaded any form of contact or conflict until I’d suppressed the anguish.   
It’s good to know oneself so you can recognize the behavior and act accordingly to break the negative cycle. Or something like that… I was never much of a self-help-book kind of girl. If I wanted to shy away from conflict and social trauma, why shouldn’t I? Defense mechanisms are there to help you stay sane after all! And moreover what benefit would come of having a heart to heart with a guy that hardly approved of my presence to begin with?   
But, okay, I did perhaps go to extremes not to run in to Zuko. Once, where there had been no corridor or room to duck into, I’d pulled myself up in the pipes and waited until he’d passed me in the hallway.   
Either he didn’t see me or he was pretending not to see me dangling like a sloth from the ceiling.  
I wasn’t so sure if it was a consoling thought, but I figured that Zuko was just as busy ignoring me as I was him. We didn’t even train up on deck or eat at the same time anymore.  
I was never placing all my bets on a heartfelt apology, but as we kept ignoring one another the emptiness inside me grew. Like rope, it tied and twisted in the pit of my stomach, and my excellent analytical skills set of complex emotion couldn’t seem to pinpoint why I was taking our fight this hard. I mean, I knew I’d crushed hard, but it was on a jerk like that!   
A selfish, childish and stupid jerk that couldn’t even take one minute of his day to be polite. Wasn’t he a prince? Shouldn’t he have learned a degree of civil behavior? The whole thing was making me act like a feeble clichéd girl and I hated it! Seriously. In the end I’d decided that if Zuko wasn’t about to apologize, he didn’t even deserve my time of day.   
It had been a good training session with Iroh. Efficient and uplifting, to say the least. Iroh had praised my stances and only scolded me a little bit when I’d used too much force in a training match with a guard.   
I’d thought that was a little unfair, I wasn’t hammering them half as hard as Zuko. And in the mist of doing awesome firebending, I had come to remember that I was a strong independent woman who didn’t need to pine over no one! Least of all, some angst-y dude with emotional baggage.   
I’d taken a long bath -I’d actually bended the temperature all by myself for the first time, and pride was coating me like a second skin. I was looking sweet, cute and hot in the mirror and I pinched my cheeks and fluffed my hair. It was really something to be this strong physically. It totally gave me a false sense of security and made me only a tiny bit power crazed. I flexed my arms in the mirror.  
“Nice.” I smirked and opened the door, ready to walk back to my room.   
I had almost walked straight in to Zuko who was standing on the other side of the bathroom.  
“Ugh… Oh, it’s you.” I said as I recognized him and suddenly my pretty happy bubble burst.   
He didn’t snap back at me. Instead there was a silence where he just looked at me - it was almost more uncomfortable than arguing. I started to push past him but he blocked me.  
“I meant what I said. You should leave.” He said earnestly.  
“What?” I barked up at him.  
“Did I not articulate the words clearly enough?” Zuko sounded raspy and the sarcasm wasn’t as sharp as usual. I didn’t know how to reply so I stared him down instead.   
He retaliated with a speech.  
“I am wasting time chasing your coordinates –essential time that I could have spent finding the way back to my rightful place on the throne. You are just another distraction from my mission.” He continued and observed me. It still wasn’t angry and it started to unsettle me. If I didn’t know any better I would think that Zuko was giving me the elevator glance a little bit?   
The words hung in the air for a time.  
“… You’re staring…” I mumbled a little sourly as I felt myself growing self-conscious.   
Zuko clenched his jaw.  
“The next harbor will be the colony in the of Wah Tun in the Earth Kingdome.” He snarled and glanced down the hallway.  
“I am so sick of you Zuko.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I am sick of you being such a show. I don’t care what you think you can order me to do, ‘cause I’m not going to do it – get that through your thick skull. Your title means nothing to me just so you know.” I twisted past him and leaned up against the wall. “My coordinates are correct.” My heart started to thump in the back of my throat and I couldn’t ignore the feeling of thrill to be talking to Zuko after so long –even if it was a fight.   
I tried to mentally strangle the ticklish feeling.  
“The avatar is a Master in evasive maneuvering and why would he go to Kyoshi if the definitive destination is the North?” He snarled again.   
I smirked back at Zuko.  
“He want’s to ride the giant Koi of cause. Maybe you should try it. It’ll perhaps loosen you up a bit.” I joked. Zuko would never do that kind of thing. And then again? I tried picturing it but couldn’t.   
“You are something else - the spirit guide from a time rather than a place right? A naïve little girl dancing around in your own world. You think life is so easy and carefree, but you don’t understand anything.” Zuko scowled, his irises were flashing.  
“Carefree? Life isn’t easy or carefree for me.” I felt hurt and the tight feeling of grief prickled my heart. “I am stuck here too, but no avatar-shaped trophy will allow me to go home. I may never sleep in my own bed, eat my own food or even see my family or my friends again. But, nooo, this is about you! At least you have a real shot at getting back.” I hugged my waist and looked away.  
Another pause.  
“… Can’t you just open a new door or… Which ever opening you entered through?” He asked and leaned against the opposite wall. I skeptically lifted a brow.   
“It doesn’t work like that. I can’t open anything in this side.” I mumbled.  
“Then… You can’t ever return?” Zuko shifted his weight as he spoke.   
“Maybe. In a year… But the chances of that happening, I don’t know… They’re slim.” I couldn’t know for sure what my chances were, but if the entire program had crashed there would be no Jerry in the other end waiting to open the door for me.   
The gloom lowered its veil on my mood.  
“It’s been almost three years since I first sat foot on this ship.” Since he’d been banished. “I never thought I would be here that long. I thought I would be back in the Firenation in a matter of weeks, ruling the land at my father’s side. But even though I’ve spotted the avatar as the first person for over a hundred years… I’m still nowhere close. I should have been more realistic.”   
“Maybe you were an optimist.” I said with some sarcasm.  
“Unlikely.” Zuko almost smiled but it never quite reached the corners of his mouth.  
We locked eyes.   
The atmosphere had changed to something that felt almost… Gentle. I thought of the kiss. I didn’t want to, believe me! I had no need for thinking about the unintentional but not super awful kiss. Zuko had looked so surprised, well duh, but he hadn’t pulled back. My heart beat. The light shone on his face but I could only see the unscarred side and the golden orbs. It wasn’t that bad.   
When he wasn’t angry, he was in truth handsome.   
Zuko was looking at me the same way. Curiosity was burning in my veins. What was he thinking about? I had to take a breath to shake my string of thoughts.   
“… Why do you really want me to leave so bad?” I asked cautiously. I was aware that I was asking something else, but not sure if he could read that much from between the lines.  
“I already told you why.” Zuko broke our eye contact to stare down the corridor and I couldn’t see his face anymore.   
“… I don’t have anywhere else to go.” And I knew that wasn’t completely true – I could always join Aang and the others. The truth was that I didn’t want to be anywhere else.  
“… That is not my problem.” He said as he pushed himself off the wall and started walking away from our conversation.   
I guess shearing time is over.   
I exhaled. It was the strangest thing with that guy. He wanted to open up, I could feel it, but he just couldn’t. Or maybe he couldn’t open up to me? I pondered that as I walked back. The echoes haunted my footsteps though the metal corridors. 

I was standing in my room, trying to bind my new fancy dress that one of the crewmembers had stumbled upon deep in the ship. It was properly from a prisoner or something horrible, but I had to admit that trying on new clothes was seriously a seldom treat. The dress itself was an Earth Kingdom style and I was finding it impossible to tie.   
Just when I’d figured out the knots of some of the strings the ship jerked roughly to the right. Halfway dressed and bound tightly around the legs, I slammed onto my tea table – black ink from my calligraphy and silk fabrics from the dress few up into the air.   
“I thought we were docked!!” I fumbled around in the spilled ink, smearing my hands and knees. I roughly pulled off the dresses outer layer and it left black handprints wherever I touched. The ship jerked again and this time I fell against the door. Were we under attack!?  
I ripped it open and sprinted down the halls barefoot, occasionally being tripped up by the swaying floors. My dress flew in ever which way as I made my way though the entire ship.  
“Iroh! What is happening?!” I called to him though the open archway to the dining room where he sat, eating rice and saving his tea from being spilled –quite undisturbed by the movement.   
“I seems that you were right Kai. The Avatar had been spotted on the Kyoshi Island only yesterday, we heard if confirmed just now by Wai here.” Iroh smiled and gestured a man in a chef’s hat and armor. Wai did not look like he was having a great time while the ship was moving like this - in fact he looked rather greenish.   
I tore my eyes away from the man I suspected to collapse, and turned to Iroh.  
“So we’re not under attack!?” I scooped up the dress in various places to keep it from dropping.  
“No no, we’re fine Kai, but I do agree that my nephew is not sailing smoothly out of port.”   
“This is Zuko’s doing!?” I asked slightly too loud and Iroh blinked in surprise.  
He nodded and pointed ‘up’ to the bridge. If he had said anything else I wouldn’t have heard it.

“You could have given the crew and me a warning before you just decided to turn the ship around.” I had trouble keeping the dress on probably but I was too furious to care.   
“The warning was the ship turning.” Zuko didn’t look at me when he spoke. He was standing at the wheel with his back to me. Another crewmember was pulling a lever and punching buttons, seemingly at random. I snarled in the minion and he held his hands up in an, ‘I surrender’ gesture.  
“Well I got a bruise and a ruined dress thanks to that.” I said irritated, as I stomped over to stand besides him. The blue ocean stretched out for miles in front of us.  
“The avatar-“ He started hotly, still not looking at me, but I synced in to finish the sentence.  
“-is on Kyoshi. I know! I told you that a week ago. I still haven’t heard a thank you by the way.” I crossed my arms.  
“There is no need to thank you. You were doing your job. For once.” He added the last bit in a bite.  
“You are happy that we’re close to the avatar, right? Then don’t be so rude to me!” I shot him a glare.  
“I’m not being rude. I’m the Prince of the Firenation and I’m not thanking any of my servants for completing a task that I ordered done.” Zuko said plainly.  
“I’m not your servant!”   
“Yes. You are.” He glared back but only for a second, then doubled back to me. His face changed from angry to amused.   
“You look more like the coal shovels in our ship basement than a Lady.” The smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and a gleam caught his eyes. He was still steering around one or two other ships who were aiming for port and the other crewmember pulled a cord in the ceiling.   
“Really? Why?” I touched my face curiously - I could feel a wet smear of ink across my lips. Zuko breathed out a short chuckle. It had been the first time I had heard him laugh like that and it made me... Puzzled.   
“Now even more so.” He said tauntingly. Zuko’s lips were in a smirk.   
“Well then as your humble servant I would remind you of the giant Unagi that surrounds the waters of Kyoshi and urge you to sail in slow when we spot land.” I dripped with irony at the ‘servant’ bit and did a mock bow.   
“See was that so hard?” Zuko sneered, clearly ignoring the joke.  
“You- you- you are so annoying!” I threw my hands up in the air, but if I had found it truly offensive I would have left already.   
“I’m annoying?!” Zuko handed over the wheel to the Captain that had been looking unsure of where to stand during our quarrel.   
Zuko turned to me. Taking in the entire picture of me with my stained dress and a face full of ink, proved to be too much for his self-restraint. Zuko let out a hearty laugh and pointed at me provocatively.   
“I take it back you look worse than a coal shoveler!” He wheezed out the words between laughs. My cheeks began to burn. “Ha hah ha! And I can’t think of anything worse than that!” In two steps I had closed the space between us and smeared a blacked hand over his face. Zuko froze mid-laugh.  
“There. Now we’re both worse than coal shovelers.” I said with my hands on my hips.   
He looked so comically stunned that I had to fight a snort as it was my turn to laugh. I couldn’t read his face, but it was almost painful to see his inner conflict between letting it go and being furious - as he was continually struck between the two, I shrugged and turned to leave.   
“I’ll be in my room – trying to save my dress.” I said over my shoulder and brushed off my dress. As I exited I glimpsed Zuko through the window. He was looking down at the back of his hand where he’d smeared the ink from his mouth. He didn’t look upset, but confused or perhaps deep in thought, but as the crewmember sneaked a peak at his uncharacteristically quiet Prince, Zuko quickly snapped back to barking orders.   
It was almost unmanageable to wash off the thick black ink once it had dried on the skin and it felt good to think Zuko was undergoing the same punishment. 

It was only a few hours to Kyoshi and the weather was growing warmer. Not spring-ish or anything, but warm enough so that I didn’t have to wear mittens to bed anymore. It wasn’t too long before someone yelled ‘land ahoy’ and we nipped off some of our speed. I looked down in the blue waters from the railing and deep down in the marine, I thought I saw a shadow stirring. The Unagi… A chill ran through me.   
“You! Prepare our foot troops. And you, keep a lookout for trouble in the waters.” Zuko was storming up on deck, throwing orders that made the crew scatter in every which way. “And you.” He walked up to me, with a hard expression. “You, don’t get in my way. If you are an hindrance in my mission to capture the avatar, at all, I will feed you to the beast that dwells in the depths.” His eyes flashed with anger and I could see he really tried to mean it.   
Well, nice of you to bond with me before killing me…   
I only rolled my eyes once he’d turned away – snapping more orders to people already busy with something else. I wondered if he’d meant that I should stay on the ship. Yeah, that was probably it, but then again he hadn’t been very clear in his orders and I really wanted to see Kyoshi Island. 

The metallic whine from the boat hitting the wooden dock was louder than normal, and I was hoping that Zuko hadn’t banked on a surprise attack. But to my surprise was he leading an attack of ten of our crewmen on komodo-rhinos in full armor, they sprinted from the coast and up in to the village. Soon after fire started blazing from the roofs. I had a sour taste in my mouth, but there wasn’t anything I could do about the fire from the distance. I looked around on deck and it seemed I was the only one left on the ship, apart from Iroh perhaps, who was taking a nap or perhaps meditating below.   
In a few quick moves I had jumped over the rail surrounding deck and caught an edge a level down. There I worked my way along the ship towards the anchor, but the edge was narrow and I could only just rest my toes atop a ridge on the otherwise smooth surface of the ship. I leaped for the anchor chain when I had come as close as I could, and it took me close to shore – I only had to swim a few miles to hit the costal stones with my feet. To my far right I heard the battle take shape. The high pinched cries from Kyoshi warriors and roars of lizard-rhinos traveled down the slope to where I stood. I could go left and explore Kyoshi, or I could go right to try and diminish the burn damage in the village. For a moment I hesitated.   
“Nobody is even getting hurt in this fight…” I muttered irritably as I ducked in to the forest to my right.

I felt the heat of wild fire a few feet from the houses aflame. Zuko was fighting on the ground, completely surrounded and looking mean as ever. Aang was sprinting somewhere on top of the roofs that wasn’t yet crumbling in fire, but it would be a matter of time. I rounded a corner and curled up behind a barrow. There I focused on the heat of the fire in the house and tried to bend it to a calmer, smaller flame. It was like trying to comfort a hysterical child; every time I reached a soothing rhythm one place the fire would sprout and spit another. Sweat trickled down my face and clung to my brow. I concentrated even harder and stretched my palms out to the fire to get a better grip on them.  
“Surrender firebending girl!” A yell made me jump to my feet. It was Sokka that stood with his boomerang in one hand and a metal fan in the other. He was dressed in the Kyoshi warrior uniform.   
“Ehm… I’m not fighting. I’m trying very hard to stay out of the fight actually.” I said and used defensive gestures, making an effort of looking friendly.   
“I saw you just now bending those fires!” He narrowed his eyes.  
“Yeah, I’m trying to put them out.” I said plainly.  
“Why?” Sokka looked mystified and skeptic at the same time.  
“To save the village? Which is your job by the way so thank you ‘me’ for helping out.” I lifted a sweat-drenched brow and shot him an irritated glance.  
“Look, all I know is that I’ve never met a ‘nice’ firebender that just wanted to help out, and I also never met a firebender that wasn’t the enemy so that leads me to suggest you surrender one more time.” Sokka straightened his back and pointed a fan at me.   
“And if I don’t surrender?” I inclined my head. Just because I understood his way of viewing Fire Nation, it didn’t mean I would mind fighting Sokka. He would be a fun opponent.   
But just as I took a stance I saw a heavy looking branch above his head had caught fire.   
My face fell.  
“Alright. Lets fight then. But I’ve been trained in the sacred art of the Kyosh-“ Before Sokka could finish his speech I had jumped him. We hit the ground hard away from the house and into the forest.  
“I wasn’t ready…” Sokka moaned under me and then the branch fell with a thud just where he’d stood only second ago. I rolled off him and dusted myself off, offering him a hand.  
“Oh. Thanks.” Sokka rubbed his head and looked embarrassed as I helped him to his feet.   
“You have the right to be skeptic Sokka.” I said absentmindedly and scouted the surroundings for more problems –most of all Zuko. He wouldn’t be happy with me helping the avatar’s groupies.   
“I don’t remember introducing myself.” Sokka spoke and I immediately directed my attention to him. Wups.  
“Maybe I’m a good guesser.” I shrugged knowing that he wouldn’t be happy with that kind of answer.  
“Or maybe you’re a spy that have been tracking us! Together with that angry guy!” He backed away and pointed at me fiercely.   
“I’m not. But even if I was, what would your plan be? Take me down and then what?” I sighed.   
“Let you rot in the prison of Kyoshi.” Sokka readied his fan again.   
“Uh I’m so scared.” I mocked him in a high pinched tone. Maybe Zuko was rubbing off of me much more than I would have liked. As I realized that Sokka came right at me, with a more comical than frightening yell of attack. I grabbed his shoulder and directed him around me where I could deal him an elbow in the stomach. Sokka hugged his ribs and leaned forward to catch his breath. I kicked the back of his knees and he kneeled. While I had a moment to concentrate I could bend the flames on the straw roof and snuff them out. At least on one of the buildings.   
“Twice. Twice I’ve been beat up by a girl today.” He rasped, still not completely back to normal.  
“Well… Then you know not to mess with girls I guess.” A strong wind from above was followed by a shout. It was Zuko and Aang fighting close by. Time to go!   
“See you later Sokka.” I said quietly as I crouched and crept past him.  
“Sneaking? So you are a spy?” He called after me as he stood.   
“Nope. I’m a spirit guide from another world.” I smirked over my shoulder and dove in to a bush. It felt surprisingly good to do a good deed, and I was cheerful even when Zuko came stomping back up on deck - fuming with anger and one avatar short.   
.  
.  
.


	6. Wounds into wisdom

Chapter 6: Wounds into wisdom

“Aaaaah, bone and soul, it all relaxes in the steam! You should join me prince Zuko.” Iroh blew out more steam from his nostrils and sunk back against the hot pool’s rim. I slapped a hand over my eyes as I approached the two of them. I knew Iroh was going skinny-dipping and that was something I didn’t need to see.  
“What are you doing here?!” Zuko sounded mortified and I felt him jumping in front of my path.  
“Sorry! I didn’t know you were also-” I peeked between my hands, but Zuko was fully dressed and I felt pink up to my ears. I squeezed my eyes shot under the hand. “Ugh master Iroh, ehm, I heard you had wandered off to the springs and I feel like maybe you should have some guards here?”   
“My Lady, who should dare interrupt an old man at peace in the hot springs?” Iroh sighed.   
“But Iroh I know fore sure that, ugh, a Earth Kingdom patrol will come and –listen can you just not be out here alone!?” I said hurried and spoke with my back to Iroh. I was very uncomfortable with the whole scene.   
“How do you know?” Zuko asked my back.  
“Duh, spirit oracle or whatever. Did you forget?” I shrugged with my hands still covering my eyes.  
“Fine! Just go back to the ship and wait for us there!” Zuko was pushing me away from the springs.   
“Aw! But I wanted to go in the pools. I was going to get Iroh out of there so I could take his place. I know when the troops are coming and I’ll just skedaddle before then. By the way, is it safe to remove my hands now?”   
“We don’t have time for either of you to sit in your own filth!” Zuko was still pushing me. “And yes you can look now.”  
“But that’s so unfair! I’ve literally given you the only thing you’ve ever wanted and I can’t get a half a day off?” I twisted out of his hands to glare at him.  
“You haven’t given me anything just yet. And don’t think I’m not willing to reconsider our deal.” He glared back. I waved his threat away.  
“You are drilling us too hard. We need breaks.” I sighed.  
“Who’s we? My tea-drinking uncle? Or the lazy whiny spirit girl? Or maybe my incompetent riffraff of a crew? Tell me, who is it that are working so hard?” Zuko was cold as ice, and he reminded me of Azula. I made a face.  
“Be that way. But at least stay with Iroh, even if he falls asleep. Actually, especially if he falls asleep. Otherwise we’ll spend the next days on tracking him down.”   
“You can’t tell me what to do.” He scowled.  
I stuck out my tongue and spun around.  
“You go directly to the ship and stay there. That’s an order.” Zuko commanded.   
“I’m going to the ship because I want to, not because you are ordering me to!” I yelled over my shoulder and stomped back towards the shore where we were moored. The underbrush was scratching at my pants and above the branches slapped my face. Nature was always a tranquil and a beautifully wondrous place for me, in theory. In reality nature is uncomfortable, spooky and full of bugs. I was grumbling curses as I made my way through the woods. Roots stuck up from the ground and as I tried to step around it, I slipped on some mossy stones. A thorny bush full of orange blossoms broke my fall. The spring hadn’t yet announced itself fully but the first of the fragrant Earth Kingdom flowers had sprung and was filling the air with a sweet promise of summer.   
Of course I didn’t appreciate any of that in my current situation. I ripped at the thorny vines that clung to my clothes and my hair, and my feet had painfully tangled themselves in the plant. I struggled but kept stinging myself on the thrones everywhere I touched. Those hellish annoying thrones!   
“Aw! Ugh! AW!” The curses flowed like a very profane flood from me. “Let me GO! Stupid NATURE! ARG!” I was goddamn stuck in the freaking bush and my temper was not having it. In a violent sudden burst of frustration I unintentionally bended an explosion. A roar circled me. When I’d taken a breath and opened my eyes the shrub had incinerated around me. A single burning leaf lingered in mid-air before it soared toward the ground. My hair was a golden cloud of frizz. I would have laughed at the whole thing if it hadn’t been for them.  
The five men with ropes and a potato sack in their hands stood on the trail and had all snapped their attention to me. I got to my feet and took a tentatively step back. It wasn’t Earth Kingdom guards like I would have expected, in fact this lot wasn’t anyone I recognized. They looked shady and criminal-ly. Matted hair, dried blood on a boot, chipped blades in their belts. These guys were the bad guys. Okay technically, me and Zuko was the bad guys, but the scum before me was on a whole other level of badness.   
I spun on my heel and bolted.   
“That’s her! Get the girl!” A gravely voice yelled.

I leaped over a branch and ducked under another in a sprint. The five guys were right at my tail. I fired a flame at one of the dudes, to slow him down. He waved it away in the air and seeped to run even faster. Great a firebender. I turned sharply and ran down a much narrower path towards the sea. The ground started to shake and I had to jump in the air as a rolling hill of dirt tried to trip me. Fantastic an earthbender! The next rolling hill had a person surfing on it. He moved towards me and fired a pointy rock at my head. Nope, two earthbenders!!   
I was realizing that I couldn’t outrun them. And if they all had something for the talent show, I wasn’t sure I could beat them either. Without being in control of my boiling ability I could end up crossing the unforgivable line. And besides I needed some quiet time to concentrate anyway, and this posy didn’t seem like a polite-stand-around-and-get-killed one. I was outnumbered and outmatched. Zuko and Iroh! I jumped off the path and down a steep slope, my legs almost disappeared under me on the way down. I’d gained a tiny bit of time, and I shot the most powerful blast I could, straight up in the air. I was sure the flames just about cleared the treetops. Please see it! I panted like my lungs were on fire but kept the bending.   
“Takaso use a blast! We almost have her!” A smooth voice called. The band of benders were all sliding effortlessly down the slope. These dudes were serious. A compressed orange fire swooshed by my and into a tree. The truck splintered apart and pieces of wood came flying at me. I hissed and started running again.   
“Get her at all cost!” A women’s voice chimed in.   
Before I could even run ten more steps a giant earth wave had rushed over me from behind and buried me under the heavy dirt. Dark. Tight. Breathless. Panic took me when I felt how the earth starting to crush me under its enormous weight. My limbs tried to stir but they were fastened in rock, sand and clay. Suddenly the weight lifted and the dirt surrounding my face was removed.   
I gasped and blinked, sand falling in my eyes.  
The five bounty hunters stood before me with triumphant smiles. I hadn’t counted on being the one to get captured today. I no doubt looked rather sulky. 

“Are you sure it’s the girl?” A man, sweaty lean and slippery, asked. He was the snake in the group no doubt, the guy who would sell his flattery and loyalty to the highest bidder. I hadn’t seen what he could do or if he was a bender at all, but I guessed not, it takes bones and balls to bend and this guy had none of the above.  
“Of course it’s her! Look at that haystack!” The only woman of the group yapped. I took offence.  
“Hey! Excuse me for looking a little roughed up, you did just chase me though the woods and buried me in a pile of dirt!”  
“Earth is life.“ One guy, one of the earthbenders, said. He was gorgeous and slick and he knew it, which immediately made him very unattractive to me.   
“Earth is love.” The other al most identical earthbender finished in a phony poetic kind of way. I figured they were twins as they had the same wavy brown hair and unsettling devious appearance.  
“Such a doll aren’t you?” He bended the earth, so that I was at eyelevel with him. The bender had brown almond-shaped eyes. Maybe some could find them beautiful, but to me they were simply icy, like the eyes of a reptile.   
“You have the most particular taste in girls dear Khun. She’s a ghost for crying out loud.” The slick fellow number two snickered and shook his head as he spoke. I froze, not that I could move much. They knew I wasn’t from this world? Who where those guys?  
“Spirit, no? That means she not dead dear Yán.” The earthbender in front of me touched my hair between his thumb and forefinger. “Yet.”   
I jerked away from him in disgust.   
“Don’t touch me you creep.”   
“Enough. Step aside Khun.” The gravely voice belonged to the last member of the group. A large compact man dressed in blood-red armor. The firebender.   
“What do you want from me?” I addressed the firebender, as he was clearly the leader. “Who hired you guys?”  
“That is not important. Be still and we’ll let you keep your arms.” His tone of indifference meant that he had tried this before. I bit down on my cheek. Unforgivable ‘linecrossing’ or not, I was not willing to bank my life on a principle. I reached inside myself to find the blood boiling. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the heat in their blood. All of them.  
“Hurry! She is doing something!!” The woman pushed the snake-y guy towards me. He had a bowl of leafs in his hands, they were smoldering and smoking like cheep incense. And smelling just as bad even from far over here. I took a deep breath and held it. Whatever they wanted me to inhale I wasn’t going to do it willingly. Snake-guy stuck the bowl up under my nose.  
“Breath.” The firebender ordered. I defiantly shook my head. “Yán.” He spoke the name.  
“A shame.” Said Khun as he leaned on a tree. His brother began bending my hold, tucking my arm back and up. A ‘pop’. The pain was a white flash and my reflexes made me gasp. The gray blue smoke and some of its ashes rushed into my lungs. I coughed a curse. My shoulder, maybe both, felt dislocated. They were glowing with throbbing agony.  
“Now put it out Dushan. I’m starting to feel dizzy.” The woman held her sleeve over her mouth and nose. Her voice sounded distorted to me. Dushan vanished out of my view.  
I had to blink a few times. My head was swimming. Up was down and down was up, sky and earth and sky again, they spun around each other. The nausea hit like a tidal wave.   
Some of the clay and sand loosened up and I was lying on the ground. It felt horrible, like lying on a raggedy raft in the middle of a storm.  
“What? She’s going under anyway.” Khun bended the earth to let me go completely. “Might as well have a closer look?” He pulled out a knife. I tried to move, but I was as liquid as melted butter.  
“Don’t damage the goods too much. We won’t get paid.” Yán said as he studied his nails.  
“What did you give me?” I hissed weakly as the poison tore at my ability to focus.   
Khun crept closer. He flopped me on my back, my arms gave a jab of pain but maybe they weren’t dislocated after all. Just severely strained. What a relief, it rang sarcastically in my head. Khun studied me while he held the knife to my clothes. I tried to stay calm and find my bending, but the poison and the prospect of being sliced up was messing up my attentiveness.  
“I’m not going to damage anything.” He muttered then caught my eyes. “You are too special for that sort of games. See, my work friends over there think I’m driven by impulse, but I’m actually quite strategic.” He moved the knife to my hair and cut off a dirtied lock from the front. “Now I have proof that we’ve caught a spirit. That’s a great reference on my resume.” Khun smirked and stuffed the hair in his vest pocket. I glared up at my kidnapper. The guys had to be hired by Zhao. He was the only person I could imagine having hired thugs like these. Besides, Zhao had somewhat an obsession with the spirits. I should have figured that it only was a matter of time before he would try to capture me again. I dug deeper for my bending. I couldn’t fall into Zhao’s hands. He could torture or brainwash me into telling him everything and then nothing would stop him from destroying the world!   
I had to escape! Khun tugged the shortened stand of hair behind me ear. An oddly intimate gesture that made my skin crawl.  
“I can’t wait till you are unconscious.” He whispered so only I could hear.   
“I’ll make sure you burn slow.” Revulsion was shaping my words. To my own credit Khun was thrown for an instant. Then he regained his mental footing.  
“And how are you going to do that when you can’t move?” He stuck his face tauntingly down to mine. I found a droplet of chi energy in my mouth and I blew flames right up at him. Khun screamed and jumped back. His hair had caught fire and he was patting it out. I breathed a cold laugh.  
“You fool. Knock her out. Our employer is expecting us.” The firebender pointed at Yán, as he was the one who would be ‘knocking me out’. He bended a rock from the ground. It ascended up in the air.   
“I’m sorry, I don’t have my brother’s gentle touch.” He smirked and took a stance. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the stone to bash me in the head. 

It didn’t come.  
Instead, I heard Yán yell and the roar and heat of fire made me snap me eyes open. Thank the higher power! Now, I’m not much for being recued. I like to take care of my own battles, but this help was needed and welcome!   
Iroh and Zuko stood back to back and one by one they whacked my kidnappers down.   
Epic flame, earth, knifes and smoke bombs filled the space and I just lay there watching it all unfold like a movie. A very trippy movie. I didn’t know what that ‘Dush-dude’ had made me take, but the effect was not only disorientating, nauseating and weakening, it was also immensely entertaining now that I wasn’t in the direct line of danger. Zuko had pinned Khun down, and Yán was throwing stones at them like no tomorrow. Iroh was facing the firebender and the knife-wielding woman, and I don’t think anyone else saw him, but Snaky had left the perimeter in a cloud of smoke.   
After some time had passed I was loosing the general overview but it looked like my team was winning. I tried to move my arms but they were too heavy and sore.   
Khun was unconscious and the big firebender was retreating with the woman. I couldn’t see Yán, but it didn’t seem that important anymore. I giggled and felt very loopy.  
“Uncle! He’s getting away!”  
“Let him go Zuko. Kai needs to be taken to the ship now. She has been poisoned.”   
“Poisoned?”   
“Don’t worry! It’s not worse than what teens take at parties. I’m sure it’s organic. Such fun times we all have at the parties. Parties are really just so nice when you can play Mario cart with a good friend.” I muttered happily. I felt like my brain was dripping out my ears.  
“She’s rambling. Is that normal? Will she survive?” Zuko stood over me and Iroh was picking me up gently. He smiled down at me.   
“Like a very hairy dad.” I grinned and blinked. Iroh chuckled and I felt the bounce in his arms.  
“She’ll live. I think all Kai needs is a rest and a tea.”  
I nodded. “And if I die you can have your clothes back Zuko. So it’s really not a loose-loose-situation.” I shrugged, or, tried to shrug but wasn’t sure I’d actually done it. 

“Just lay still Kai. The poison is flowing in your blood but I’m sure it will be flushed out by tomorrow evening. Try to sleep.” Iroh tugged me in my bed. Zuko was commanding the ship out at sea, in case my prowlers wanted to try for another attack. The candles glowed dimly and the sun had set outside. I felt sweat on my forehead. Iroh wiped it away with a cloth. I panted like there was someone sitting on my chest. The slight appeal to the drug had vanished some time ago, and now I just wanted it to stop. The red lanterns seemed to drift in and out of my sight and their light made me woozy.   
“Easy Kai. Sleep now.” Iroh cooed gently.   
“I feel like I’m dying.” I breathed. The room spun and spun and I couldn’t get out of the high. I was trapped in the drug. Somewhere a echoing song played.   
“This feeling is temporary. It will pass.” He laughed softly.  
“Could you get Zuko? I have to tell him something before I die.” I smiled too, but I was half serious. My mind had a hard time defining the proportions of the room. “He has to know how it ends.” I muttered and I couldn’t seem to close my eyes.   
“Ends?” Iroh lifted my head and put a cup of water to my lips. I took a feeble sip.  
“The story… He has to find the path… And Zhao… Is dangerous.”  
“Sleep Kai.” Iroh held a hand on my head. And for once, I did as I was told.

I came to. It wasn’t an easy road to waking up because it was paved with a throbbing headache and arms that were screaming in agony. I sat up and carefully held my head in my hands.  
“Don’t do drugs kids.” I said mockingly under my breath. This was the worst hangover I’d ever had. My breath was shallow and painful, and it made my voice rasp.   
“What?” I heard someone ask me absently.  
“Huh??” I snapped my head up, regretfully fast, and through squinted eyes I saw Zuko leaning in the doorway. “What are you doing here?” I was genuinely surprised.   
“My uncle said you had information for me.” Zuko walked across the room and stopped at my bed. He looked like he didn’t know what to do with himself. I blinked.  
“Oh. That’s right. It occurred to me that- would you sit down? People looming over me makes me uncomfortable.” I gestured a bench across from my bed. I normally used it as a dressing bench and a few robes were tossed over it. Zuko eyed the seat suspiciously.   
“Please? It’s a serious conversation and I don’t think I can stand just yet.” I pinched the brim of my nose. The lightheadedness was still making me blink a little too often. He hesitantly sat down. Progress! Finally we can be civil, I thought.  
“Don’t waste my time.” He crossed his arms. I rolled my eyes.  
“I wouldn’t dare. So, it occurred to me that I could die or even get captured and I need to tell you some things before, I mean if, that happens.”  
Zuko shifted in his seat and his face softened up.   
“Go ahead.” He said, with the edge off. Eureka, a normal talk with my good buddy the fireprince!  
“Okay… Let’s see.. How to start..” I muttered. Telling someone just enough of their destiny to obtain it but not abuse it was a tricky thing. I could always start by warning him about Zhao. I was about to speak when he interrupted me.  
“Listen, before you say anything, I don’t have any interest in pursuing whatever this is and-“ Zuko spoke to the flames in my bedside lantern. He wasn’t blushing but I was! In fact I turned bright red like a cartoon eating a chili. In panic I waved my hands to make him stop talking.  
“No no no no no! I wasn’t- no! I told you the kiss was sprit stuff- I don’t-“ I started multiple sentences but couldn’t find any of their ends. Like mismatched socks the explanations sat themselves together wrong. Zuko thought I was going to confess like some silly high school teenager! Like hell! I could bury those feelings deep and then happily step over them! I knew that he didn’t feel the same. And if he did, big if, then he was nowhere near emotionally evolved to deal with that. I smacked my hands over my hot cheeks to stop them from turning redder. It didn’t help.   
“Okay! Sh! What I wanted to say was that Zhao is behind these attacks! And he is possibly crazy for spirit. He wants to kill the moon.” I hurried.  
“The moon?” Zuko grabbed on to the change of subject and murkily glided over our awkward misunderstanding.   
“Yeah. Zhao has found a spirit library some time ago, and he wants to destroy all the waterbenders by killing their source of power. The moon. The spirits Tu and La are some of the only ones left in your world and he wants to destroy them. Bringing harmony in danger. A girl, a princess will save humanity, by giving her own life. She had some of the moon-power, her hair is white, like mine. Or I’m blond and not white-haired but you people don’t seem to see the difference.” I rolled my eyes and finished my ramble. Zuko just looked a little stunned before thinking of something to say.   
“… So why is he attacking us?” He asked and leaned in.  
“Well… I sound self indulged, but he wants me.” I sat in the bed against the cold metal wall. “I don’t know exactly why… But I think Zhao has guessed I have a connection to something otherworldly and he wants to hold me captive too? Get info? Maybe use me as a weapon?? I have no idea!” I shook my head. “Nonetheless those bounty hunters were pretty clear that I was their only target.” I felt a chill running down my spine when I remembered creepy Khun and his knife.   
“We can ask them about Zhao’s scheming.” Zuko’s eyes glowed yellow.  
“You got one?” I grabbed the covers on my knees.  
“We got two.” He smirked.  
“Which ones?” I felt my heart race.  
“A woman.” Zuko leaned back. “And an earthbender.” 

The ship’s brig was never meant to be impressive. It was a working war ship with minimal luxuries, but you could recognize the sparse comforts put in for admirals and commanders up in the higher decks. Those comforts didn’t reach way down here though. I had noticed that the first time around, when Mister Manhandler was about to toss me in a cell. He had also been one of Zhao guys and now I was down here on the other side of the prison scenario. It shouldn’t have made me feel this powerful, but it did. I had no trauma linked to the space, only the searing memory of being in complete control. I shook my head and Zuko sent me a glance. We stopped at the middle door of five.   
The slit in the metal door screeched when I pulled it back. A strip of light fell in the black room and huddled up against the far corner, was a man. It was undoubtedly one of the earthbenders, but I couldn’t make which one. In my heart I hoped for it to be Khun. Oh, don’t judge me too hard, but I relished in the possibility of revenge. I had made a promise to him after all. What kind of lady would I be if I didn’t keep my word? I shut the slit.  
“Why haven’t you interrogated them yet?” I asked Zuko.  
“The first rule of taking prisoners is the let them sweat. Let them sit and wonder why they’re there, what you know and if their friends are talking.” He answered coldly.  
“That’s… Dark.” I winced a bit but then sighed, wasn’t I just thinking jolly thoughts of burning a man to death? Having a slightly dented moral compass was making me a schizophrenic, or even worse, a hypocrite. Maybe Zuko was the same way? I’d never thought of it like that before.   
“That is what war is. Besides he’s only been sitting there a day. You should get inside his head.”   
“And how do you propose I do that?” I frowned up at Zuko. “Do you want me to torture him?” I figured he meant I should use my blood boiling. That wasn’t too far off from what I’d planned anyway. In a fair world there was payback. I was still frowning.  
Zuko flinched then looked cold. “If your mind tricks don’t work I see no other resort.”   
“My mind tricks? I don’t have any!” Not entirely true, but I couldn’t control them.  
“Just use your telekinetic abilities!” Zuko said in a snarl and rolled his eyes. I grinned at that.  
“You know I don’t read minds right? Did you think I read minds?” I leered wiggling my brows.   
Zuko was taken aback. He blinked, then snorted.   
“What made you think I was telekinetic?” I poked him in the arm and kept grinning. He waved my hand away. I tried to poke him again and he snatched my hand.   
“Follow my orders. Find out who hired him. If it is Zhao we have to find a way to throw him off our trail.” Zuko fell in to a deep thought and let my hand go. It seemed to tingle where he’d touched. When he looked up again there was sharpness in his face. “I will not let Zhao win.”   
I bit down on my cheek. It was the most stirring determination I’d seen in a person. I almost wanted to embrace him. Zuko turned to leave and my infatuation flowed away.  
“And what should I do with the earthbender?” I called.  
“What you have to.” He breathed over his shoulder.

I’d never tortured anyone for information. Uh, I mean, until I arrived to this universe. Since my entering I’d seemed to use constant violence and force to get what I wanted, and it was not something I was particularly proud of. I wasn’t completely shameful either.  
Yes, a major part of me was always fantasizing of all consuming power. And yes, if I’m being frank, then I properly did have a small control issue and a smidge of sadist in my veins. But to actually stand in a small dark room with a terrified human didn’t feel all that great.   
I closed the door behind me and the airlock slammed shut. I’d stationed a guard outside to let me out once I’d given ‘the secret knock’. Sweat and metal stained the air. I lit the two lanterns on the walls.  
The man on the floor hugged his legs and buried his face deeper in his dusty pants as I got nearer. I could recognize the clothes. The brown waves of singed hair were dirty and shining with a cry for soap. He’d really only been there a day, but that could feel like a lifetime when held captured. He hadn’t even been given something to drink. I sat down and offered him a pouch of water from my belt.  
“You have to drink something.” I said numbly.  
The earthbender dared a glance over his knees.  
“I’ll put it here. Listen, Khun,” He cringed at his name. “I am going to ask you some questions and depending on how you answer them, you might even get your freedom.” My voice was indifferent because now that I knew it was him I was indifferent about his discomfort.   
“I don’t want to hurt you.” That was a lie. Khun shoulders shuttered. At first I thought he was crying but then the unsettling noise broke through. Khun lifted his head and it was twisted in a painful smile. He was laughing.  
“You are really not good at this are you, doll?” He loosened the grip on his legs and leaned back against the wall. Khun’s black eyes reflected the light and gave him red pupils for a second. I took a steady breath. Finding his warmth, his liquid, his molecules, and shaking them until they blurred.   
I heard a gagging behind my closed eyes.   
He didn’t need to go all the way around the fairs wheel.   
I let my influence fade away again. Khun was panting and starring shocked at me when our eyes met again.   
“You are right. I’m not very good at this. I have a temper and a grudge.” I glared. “But I’ll take the high road and cut you a deal if, you tell me what I want to know.”   
“So it’s true? You have the power to melt people from the inside.” He chased a breath.   
“How do you know what I am capable off? How does Zhao know? I assume you’ve been hired by him.” It couldn’t have been from Mister Mandhandler, the only victim of my blood boiling, he had been imprisoned in the colonies some time ago. Or maybe? The word could have seeped from prisoner to guard, from guard to soldier and so on.   
“I’m a dead man if I rat.” Khun gulped the water down and wiped his mouth.  
“You are a dead man if you don’t.” I stated bluntly.   
He frowned for a moment.  
“… You mentioned something about a deal?”   
“You give me information and in return you’ll get to keep your life and your freedom. Very simple.”   
Khun stared at the door. He was weighing his odds. Finally he straightened and inquired simply.   
“Can I trust your word?”   
“You don’t have much of a choice, do you?” I was sitting on my knees opposite him and I thought I saw the flash of hunger in him. It made me mentally stagger with anxiety, throwing me back to the feeling of being helpless and scared, but I made sure to keep the poker-face intact. Pure intense hate flared up in my chest.   
“And if I talk you’ll let me go? Like that?”  
“Like that.” I agreed with a stiff smile.   
“Okay. Then yes. Commander Zhao hired my and the others to kidnap the girl with the ‘moon hair’ as he called it. I hadn’t understood what it meant until I saw you.” Khun leered a little.  
“What did he want me for?”  
“Couldn’t say. I know why I would’ve kidnaped you if I was him.” It was vile words in Khun’s mouth.   
“Did he mention anything that could suggest what he wanted me for my bending?” I was ice and stone. Or at least on the outside. On the inside I wanted to get out.  
“He only said to pacify you before you had the chance to ‘melt’ us. That’s all.”  
“Did he mention other skills of mine?” I had to know what Zhao knew.  
“No. But I bet you have lots of skills. I bet you want to use them. Maybe not on me, unfortunately, but I saw how relived you looked when the scarred guy came to you rescue. You could pretend I was him for a moment.” Khun was talking in a low tone as he slowly shifted in his seat. He was thinking himself the wolf and me the lamb. I backed away.  
“How did Zhao know of my skill?” I said, not completely without shaking. I was scared. Damn it.  
“The old sucker had found a library.” Khun leaned closer in a smirk. “He had some stupid scroll. I didn’t care when he’d pulled it out.”   
“Where’s the scroll now?”  
He was closer still.  
“Who knows. On his ship?” Khun said nonchalantly. I started standing. I didn’t want to be in the room a second longer. My power and hate and bending was trembling. I hated it.  
And then, fast as a snake he had me. In a snatch Khun had grabbed my hair and pulled me to the cold dirty floor. I hissed and gritted my teeth. The earthbender held me at the base of my skull, his grimy fingers tangled in my hair. I was too stunned to move. Too scared to cry out. Too shaken to bend. I could just stare up in his black eyes as he smiled his ugly smile.   
His lips were on mine too wet and too violently. He bit my lip. It was as if I had been slashed open with a knife and suddenly I had back a microscopic amount of will back. I blinked and retuned from the paralyzing fear.   
The bending rushed back in my limbs and I used all I had on my attacker.   
Khun whirled back as if he was kissing a bonfire itself. He clawed at his face in a bone-chilling scream. I slowly sat up. He was throwing himself against the metal wall and making the most horrible of sounds trying to escape the pain that burned from within. Again and again while he never stopped screaming. I stood in a haze. Khun’s voice broke in a pitch. Emotions couldn’t reach me as I watched him suffer. My bending ate him alive, sinking its burning teeth into every cell of his body, and bursting it.  
The cell door opened.  
Hands were on my shoulder. They shook me once or twice. My name was called.  
It took a moment before I understood that I had to stop. I had to stop bending. The fog lifted and I gasped as if I’d been holding my breath. I dropped the boiling influence like dropping and iron weight. The screaming stopped with it.  
Zuko’s hands grabbed my shoulder tighter and he led me out of the room. Khun panted raggedy.  
We walked a little down the corridor before I shrugged him off.  
“Don’t touch me.” I mumbled.  
He dropped his hold and I kept walking.   
I didn’t look back.  
If Zuko had been hurt or offended, he never once said something.  
I felt numb and queasy, all at the same time; and that didn’t go away even as I reached my room in the other end of our ship.   
.  
.  
.


	7. When the fuse is lit

Chapter 7: When the fuse is lit

I was up at dawn, but it hadn’t been by choice. The night had been a warm one and nightmares had again kept me from a much desired mind-numbing sleep. I had dreamed about a gateway to the normal world but every time I tried to run through it Jerry stepped in front of me and wriggled his index finger like an adult telling a child ‘no’. That wasn’t the bad nightmare part though. The nightmare part was when I accidently melted the faces of people around me.   
It was like this for two weeks with not sign of letting up. Nightmares and regret sat like a dark cold pit deep inside me, no matter where I went.   
Not that I was going that far as there was only so much ship.   
In the span of those two weeks I’d seen every unimpressive nook and cranny of the small fleet vessel. I’d even found myself wonder down to the brig and managed to stare at the cell doors for hours, however, I never found the courage to enter.  
Khun had been too badly hurt and would never speak again. His brain had been fried like a crispy chicken wing. It still worked for breathing and making his heart beat, but any more advanced directives than that was now beyond him.   
My mouth ran dry every time I thought of it. Not that the world needed a guy like creepy Khun, but I had let my evil want to hurt somebody get the better of me in a nasty and irreversible way. Violence hadn’t been the answer. Not like that at least.   
On top of paying the price in repentance and dreadful nightmares, I had efficiently killed off the only solid lead on what Zhao was planning as the woman we’d caught was completely insane.

I leaned on the railing and shook my head to shake out the pictures of my latest dream.   
The sun rose over the ocean up on deck. The vivid colors playing on the skies and it made me think of a family vacation. My sister and me had fought so much that I’d threatened to throw her in the ocean and called her an ugly ‘blob-monster’. In the end she had been the one to push me in the water.   
I smiled faintly but it faded.  
It seemed like a memory from another lifetime.   
“What a morning. It is like the heavens have awakened just for you.” Iroh said with a smile as he stood at my shoulder.   
The warm spring air passed silently by us.  
“It is beautiful. ” I agreed with my face to the view.   
“I’m glad you found your way back to the sunrise. Are you joining the lesson today?” Iroh asked warmly. I looked down in the waves.  
I had also not trained in the time that had passed after the incident with Khun. I couldn’t bring myself to bend let alone face the Master who’s warning I had been arrogant enough to cast away.  
“I mean no disrespect… But I’m not sure…” I sighed bleakly.  
“I understand.” Iroh nodded. “It is a burden to have a choice. And a larger one still to feel like you’ve made the wrong one. But, life isn’t just one choice. It is like the sunrise. You get a new one every day, and every day you can choose to make the right one.” He spoke and patted my back.   
I let out a long breath.  
“And what about redemption?” I looked him in the eye and Iroh chuckled.  
“You should perhaps ask the other person aboard this ship who are more qualified to answer that.” He said and just then Zuko stomped over to us and he slammed his back up against the railing.  
“Gorgeous morning isn’t it Prince Zuko.” Iroh greeted.  
“It doesn’t matter what kind of morning it is.” He said in a bored voice and looked straight ahead instead of at the sunrise. “I don’t have the avatar and we are weeks from our destination. The morning could be a giant octopus-whale and I wouldn’t care.” He finished in a gloom.  
I felt the tug of a smile as I met Iroh’s eye again. I suddenly understood exactly what he’d meant.  
“Well… Can I ask what we a studying today Master Iroh?” Maybe it was the sunshine, or maybe it was Iroh’s little wit, but I was starting to feel lighter already.

Tenzo bowed his goodbye to us all after he’d placed Iroh’s usual set-up of tea and pillows. Zuko and I were sitting around the table and waited for the lesson to start.   
Our Master sipped his tea thoughtfully and then spoke.   
“Today you are going to learn how to face an opponent that you cannot touch.” Iroh looked serious.   
I leaned forward and I felt Zuko move as well.   
Ghosts? Nah, spirits perhaps? Extensive evasive maneuvering? Or maybe a lesson in ancient ninja style!  
“You are going to face yourselves.” Iroh finished and my face fell a little. Myself was not particularly someone I wanted to take on right now.   
“What?!” Zuko slapped his hands on the table so hard the stacked tiles of Iroh’s Pai Sho fell over. “Old man, very soon I’ll be in the fight to determine my destiny and you want to waste my precious time on teaching me that?!” Zuko threw his hands up in the air as he spoke. “You have lost your mind like my father warned me!” He finished.   
Iroh gently sipped the steaming tea.  
“Prince Zuko. You can either learn from me or not. That is entirely up to you.” He spoke softly, and then Iroh’s yellow eyes flashed “But know this. The two of you must learn to keep the balance within yourselves. It could be devastating not to.”   
I glanced away solemnly. He was right about that. I’d promised myself that I would never use the boiling again. Not even if my life depended on it.   
“You are split in two. Like the flame you exist between light and dark. The way to become a master firebender is to know the full extend of both sides. If you do not know what is inside, you cannot know what to expect when you send fire out.” Iroh closed his eyes and opened his palm. A slender flame danced. “Fire is light, fire is dark.” He clenched the hand and the smoke leaked from between his fingers. “Without the yin and yang of light and dark, fire cannot exist, and neither can firebenders. You two are particularly good examples of unbalance. ” Iroh spoke softly.  
“I am balanced.” Zuko cut in, in a snarl.  
“No you are not. You can control your firebending but you are not at peace with who you are Prince Zuko, and you Kai. You know who you are and what your heart desires, but you cannot control your firebending. You see? You two are the yin and yang to one and other.” He smiled sincerely.   
Zuko and I locked eyes for a moment. I think neither of us enjoyed being compared to the other.

We listened to Iroh wisdom all morning, and when Zuko finally reached his boiling point he’d set the tea table on fire and forced Iroh to teach him the next set of advanced firebending.   
I decided to sit this one out. Instead I was pondering Iroh’s words.   
How do you exist between light and dark? How do you keep yourself from drifting too far in one direction and find the balance? Between accept and delusion? Between home and journey? Between love and hate? It seemed impossible for me, but then again, I wasn’t a Master. Not even close.  
The teachings lingered in my mind like an echo and I didn’t even register that Zuko was yelling something meant for me.   
In my defense he yelled a lot all day long, so I’d gotten kinda used to tuning him out.   
“Sparring! Now spirit girl!” He snapped his fingers in my face to bring me out of my thoughts.   
I fluttered my eyes and focused.   
“Don’t do that. It’s rude.” I said dispassionately and pulled an insulted face at Zuko.  
“Stop daydreaming and make yourself useful for once.” He snarled.  
I flicked my eyes to Iroh. I didn’t want to bend.  
“Make the right choice, Kai.” Iroh nodded from behind the pieces of his broken Pai Sho game.   
I sat my lips in a hard line and flicked my slightly harder gaze back to Zuko.  
We took our stances and my opponent was a blazing bonfire of anger. I felt the twinge of concern tighten even more. It wasn’t because I was afraid of Zuko or his temper, I was used to both by now, right now I was afraid of myself.   
I narrowed my eyes but I couldn’t look as mean and threatening as Zuko did.   
“Are you sure?” I asked him and didn’t mean to sound bitter, but I did.   
He let out a snort in reply.  
And then we were at it. It was fast and messy. I dodged and jumped his orange flares in swift movements but I wasn’t bending. Instead I used my flexibility to evade his attacks that grew more and more aggressive.   
It was only when Zuko shot a flame curve at me that I was forced to block him with a flame. If I hadn’t I would have gotten my face burnt off. My robe wasn’t so lucky. The fire split in two and caught the outer vest and I ripped it off before it could burn through to the second layer.   
While I was distracted he kicked another flame and I had to roll to dodge it. I scrambled to get up.   
Zuko swept in for the kill.   
If I had been in my normal state of mind I would have just blazed the floor to stop him, but I wasn’t. I was off my game to say the least, and though I stretched my palm out, I couldn’t find the will to bend. The pictures of Khun frying before my eyes flashed and I closed my hand.   
Zuko took advantage of my hesitation. In one sudden move he’d gotten up and knocked me entirely off my balance.   
Now I was the one on the floor and Zuko had a flame aimed at my head. He’d won.   
“That was your worst effort yet.” He spoke calmly now. Like dew in the sun, his aggression had vanished. “You are never going to become a firebending Master if you fight with compassion for your enemy.” Zuko choked the flame and lowered his fist.   
“Right. You are the last person who deserves my compassion.” I wiped my mouth as I got to my feet.   
“I didn’t mean me.” And then I saw something that resembled empathy in his amber eyes. It only lasted for the smallest of moments, but it’d made my heart skip in surprise. 

Zuko was growing angrier every day we got closer to the Northern tribe. And it didn’t help that Commander Zhao had been graced with even more power –he was now Admiral and making life even more difficult for our party.   
At every turn Zhao was there, commanding that we go another route as to not interfere with his mission. We now knew that Zhao had secretly schemed to take me prisoner twice, but we still had no real inkling as to why he would do so, or even why he didn’t just openly ordered Zuko to surrender me in the name of the Fire Nation. Not that any of us would have followed those orders. Both Zuko and I hated Zhao intensely, and that had a quite uniting effect.  
Only at the moment, ‘unity’ wasn’t the word to be labeled on the situation.  
“You are being intolerable on purpose!” Zuko scrunched up the maps corner in his fist.  
“Just! Garh! Trust me for once!” I yelled across from him.   
We were docked for supplies and maintenance, but also because Zhao had given strict orders to stay moored.   
Iroh had hurried out, he said to look at souvenirs, but I suspected that he just didn’t feel the need to observe another screaming match as Zuko and I was ‘discussing’ strategies.  
We were sitting across each other at the dining table.   
“But the avatar has been spotted here! And you are telling me that I should ignore it?!” Zuko threw the map down and pointed to the mountains west of the Fire Nation.  
“You can’t do anything about it - now can you? Even if the avatar has been spotted there, you’re cut off by the blockade Zhao’s set up.” I sat on my knees and tapped on the paper.   
He scowled.   
“Don’t mention that traitors name on my ship!” Zuko stood and started to storm out.   
“Zuko! You can’t just trample and expect things to turn out like you order them to!” I stood too and crossed my arms.  
“Watch you place peasant! I will throw you over the rail!” He threatened.  
“And then what? Then you are just as lost without me aren’t you? Fine, do whatever you please my Prince.” I leaked with sarcasm as I roughly pressed past him in the doorway. Apparently it had been mine turn to storm out this time.

I cursed under my breath and I may have kicked the corridor wall. The place we’d docked was another Fire Nation colony and we were stuck there as long as Zhao had a say about it. He wanted the avatar first, and he was going to get him if we didn’t think of something fast. And it worried me that Zhao was going rogue. The kidnappings, the strange spirit scrolls, all of it, was because of me and now the certainty of the story’s arks didn’t feel as certain anymore.   
I walked on to land with my hands deep in my pockets and my mood a foul one.  
High above me the sun beamed like a bonfire and it was luckily because my outer vest was ruined after my collision with Mister Anger-Management-Issues.   
The sky was incredibly sapphire blue and it showed no trace of the horrible storm that’d happened only three nights ago, but the port had been hit. Sand and seaweed were being bundled up together and fishermen sorted out their nets and boats. The air was getting warmer every day we got closer to the Fire Nation, and here in the west it was a pleasant mild weather. I decided to take a stroll to calm my irritation.

The small village that faced the ocean was small but varied in terrain and goods. The houses were stacked on beams to stay level on the rocky slopes and tall grass and flowers crept up along them. I spotted a kid chase after a ‘cat-squirrel-thing’ under one of the structures.  
I’d forgotten how different and yet similar the two worlds could seem.   
It was one of the last ports before entering ‘the Motherland’.   
It looked like the Fire Nation people had the got them selves a sweet deal in the colonies. Even though this was just a small seaside village, everywhere I looked I saw richer red-dressed sailors and dirty coalminers dragging their tools in tattered green.   
Make of that what you will, but I felt a gnawing feeling of embarrassment. I was wearing my blood-red wrap-around and black harem pants.   
I’d walked all the way around the village and it wasn’t long before I stumbled in to Iroh who was carrying a basket filled with fruit and herbs.  
“Kai! I have to show you this,” Iroh held up a tin can “it is the flower of the orange summer-poppy, very rare, and very delicious!” He opened it to reveal the dried flowers, I stuck my nose in the tin and inhaled, it smelled magnificently strange. It was like honey but fragrant and fresh at the same time.  
“Woah.” I sighed. “That is amazing.”  
“Yes. The flower only grows at the top of the volcano of the Royal City. I hope that it will remind Zuko of home in one of the better ways.” Iroh looked a little worried as he tugged the tin back in his robes.  
“I’m sure…” I looked away.  
“And maybe it will sooth your mind as well.” He smiled and laid a hand on my shoulder. “Come, now we shop. I saw a seamstress over here and I think some new clothes is overdue.”  
“Oh, I like what you are wearing Master. Very elegant.” I smiled sincerely.   
“No, not for me, for you!” Iroh slapped my shoulder and pushed me through the doors of the tailor.

Shortly after a middle-aged woman was taking my measurements. She had a stern face and was working efficiently without ever meeting my eyes. I felt more than uncomfortable with the whole situation. One, I was almost completely bare in front of a woman I didn’t know at all, and I got the sense that she didn’t think very much of me. And two, I didn’t like that Iroh had offered to pay the clothes as a gift to me.   
“Iroh, I really –ugh- don’t need anything.” I protested but the woman kept tugging and pulling at me so it was difficult to talk to him from behind the screen in the shop. The seamstress pricked a needle in the red fabric and nicked my shoulder.   
“Ouch!” I squealed.  
“You have been a great help to me and my nephew. Your presence has made a change in him. A very positive change indeed.” Iroh said. “I thought I’d lost him in his hate. That he could never embrace the world again after what my brother did… Nevertheless Zuko truly cares for you.” I heard Iroh sipping the tea the earthbender seamstress had offered to him only.  
“Cares?! Arg-uh-cold!” I yelped as the woman pulled off the fabric and I covered my bare chest. “I’m gonna argue here. If Zuko cared for me he wouldn’t be such a jerk to me all the time.” A new piece of fabric was thrown over me. This one was dark orange and floral printed.   
“My nephew is not accustomed to be in touch with his emotions. He has tried to lock them away from a long time, but I see the way he looks at you.” Iroh spoke softly.   
I held up my hand to indicate that the seamstress should stop for a moment.  
“… He looks at me?” I mumbled and stuck my head out from behind the screen to look at Iroh.  
“What do you mean?” I asked in a frown.  
“Just that I haven’t seen him look at anybody like that before.” He chuckled.  
I turned back to the seamstress who was smirking a little while she worked.  
“Aaaaah to be young again and feel love’s keen sting.” Iroh sighed.   
I glanced back in the mirror and I saw how my cheeks had turned bright pink. 

By next morning I had three new outfits, a fancy one, a casual and a training outfit, waiting for me on the doorstep to my bedroom. I picked up the fresh garments and let myself have a girly moment of sticking my head down in my new dresses.   
I tried on the training jumpsuit; it was black and dark red and it had short straight sleeves. I looked like I could beat up the world in it - kinda felt like it too.   
The top was a little tighter than I would have picked out for myself it, but the seamstress had insisted on making it tight up top for practicality. The bottom was a pair of loose pants with a high waist and a belt that offered the option for attaching purses, pouches and weapons. I liked the weapons option the most and I reminded myself to ask Zuko for sword lessons once I’d gotten the hang of firebending. The best way to get him to teach me would be if I could find a way to blackmail him into it.   
As I walked by the washroom, on my way up to the evening meditation with Iroh and Zuko, I sent myself a cheeky grin in the mirror.   
I had been given Iroh’s little comments in the shop a lot of thought. And I mean a lot. Like basically all of the ‘thought’. I was a millionth percent sure that I was not going to make the first move.  
On one hand I kinda saw what Iroh meant. Like, there were little moments where I was suddenly unsure if not Zuko felt the same attraction. But on the other hand he’d already shot me down once. Granted, he thought I was going to confess, but Zuko had said that he wasn’t interested. In any of it. Iroh may have had a very clear idea of what his nephew’s feelings towards me were, but I wasn’t so convinced that Zuko did.   
Nope. I wasn’t going to stick my hand in that bonfire unless I was sure it would burn me.  
I shook my head at the girl in the mirror. She was thinking waaay too much about dumb boys and way too little about real problems. Firebending problems. I was still easing back into it.  
When I rounded the rail up on deck my eye couldn’t help but to scan for Zuko. He was sitting close to Iroh and they were talking about something I couldn’t hear. And wasn’t supposed to.  
Apparently it was very a private conversation.  
Zuko’s golden orbs flicked to me and I looked away. Trying to look nonchalant, and as if I didn’t care whether or not he was actually there.   
As I wandered towards Iroh, Zuko got up and left.   
After that I didn’t see him for four days.

We were docked at the village for longer than needed and I couldn’t understand why Zuko hadn’t given the men any orders to stop dilly-dallying and get to work. Like he used to.   
He had also skipped training and dinner and when I asked Iroh about it he’d just answered me with a wondering shrug and the smile of a sly fox. I figured that Iroh knew exactly what was going on.   
And then it dawned on me. I had to smack a hand on my forehead. The blue spirit! Zuko was out there playing hero for once, freeing Aang from our common nemesis, Zhao!   
Once he returned Zuko was in a good mood. He had a smirk lingering on his face most of the day where we’d left port. It was quite charming.   
But of course the transformation didn’t exactly stick. As soon as we were on the water again he returned to his customary jerk-like character.   
I never did ask him about his little adventure. 

I looked up at the moon. It was full and white and reminded me of a sleeping face. It’s pale light bounced off the black water and I put a palm to my cheek.  
The winds had grown colder again and we’d managed to sneak by the blockade, as Zhao had moved his attention to the pole. Zuko said we would be arriving at the North in less than five weeks, and we would only dock one more time before end.   
I felt oddly saddened.   
Soon this ship was going back to the Fire Nation with Zuko and Iroh, and what about me? Was I going to travel on by myself? Would I be invited to the palace now that Zuko ‘looked at me’? Did I even want to come?  
I leaned over the railing and stuck my head toward the waves.  
“Uuuuugh. It’s too much thinking.” I muttered to myself at I stretched back up.   
Zuko was standing right beside me and I jumped in surprise.   
A blush washed over me.  
“H- hey.” I cleared my throat and patted my hair back. I hadn’t exactly avoided Zuko ever since Iroh had said that confusing thing, but I hadn’t exactly not-avoided him either.   
Now that we were alone on deck together my heart was beginning to race.  
“I can almost see it.” He spoke and looked at the moon. “The red gates to the royal palace. My home, my throne, I can almost see my future.” He clinched his jaw.   
I was caught off guard, but after a silence I found a reply.  
“So what is the first thing you are going to do then? After you’ve had the ‘catching of the avatar moment’ with your dad of course.” I smiled.  
“I… I don’t know.” His eyes softened as he sent me a glimpse.  
“Well… If I could go home I would properly hug my family. Or eat some of my mom’s cookies.” I closed my eyes and tried to imagine their faces. The sweet smell of caramelized sugar. I wasn’t sure if Zuko knew what cookies were but either way he didn’t ask about it.  
“I want to find my mother.”   
“Oh…” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I already knew all of his painful memories about that night, but it felt wrong to remind him of my insight. Even if you’re a mind reader or a truth teller or something! It’s still nice to be nice, thereby I mean pretending to not knowing certain things so people get at chance to open up themselves.   
“Has she been gone for long?” I asked.   
“Yes. But I can’t look for her if I don’t get the throne. She’s a sworn enemy of the Fire Nation.”   
“I’m sorry… I’m sure you’ll get to find her.” I offered a comforting smile but he didn’t take it. He looked at me with a face full of something I couldn’t make out in the darkness.   
“Will I?” He asked.   
Zuko, then and there, reminded me of the white forest. The search for Ursa and the kiss he and we had shared in the time-jump.   
“Yes.” I still didn’t know if he had seen everything in the white woods.   
“When?” His hands were gripping the rail tight enough to make his knuckles white.   
Without thinking about it I put my hand on top of his.   
Zuko’s amber eyes glided to me tentatively. The moon was illuminating the deck and the end of the starry sky was nowhere in sight. Instead the calm sea reflected the millions of white lights and it was as if the ship was floating in the heavens. Invisible waves swayed the ship silently.  
“You’ll find her when it’s time…” I looked down at the ripples, rolling and rolling forever.   
“Don’t pity me.” He glowered after a moment of silence.  
“I wasn’t” I winced and withdrew my hand.  
“Yes. Yes you were. You always look at me with that expression, like you know who I am. What I feel. Even when we spare, even when I yell at you. That look!” Zuko turned to me frustration vibrating off him.  
“You think that’s pity?! Jeez! Having a conversation with you is like chipping away at a iceberg with a chopstick!” I burst out. “It has nothing to do with pity! I’m trying to be supportive! To be your friend but you are just pushing me away! Which is fine because I get that you don’t like spending time with me! But I feel like I’m the only one on this damn ship you treat like a ghost sometimes! And I just-” My eyes were growing hot but something else had stopped my rant.   
I hardly registered what was happening before it did. I thought he was going to shove me but instead he embraced me.   
Like a brick wall wrapping around me Zuko hugged me. His warmth and spice rushed over me. I felt his hands on my back, his chest against mine, his nose over my ear…   
He’s so tall, I thought in pure disbelief of what was happening.   
As I lifted my arms to hug him back, Zuko let me go.   
I almost lost my balance.  
“I really don’t want friends.” He sounded raspy. “But you’re not a ghost.”  
My mind raced to come up with a fitting response, but all I could think was that I hadn’t planned for this. I wasn’t expectation him to actually have any kind of response other than ‘mean’.   
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing could escape me.   
Zuko turned on his heel and strode away and I was left to myself, gawking like an idiot.   
What a pleasant turn of events, I thought, but what does it mean?   
I knew I’d been in love with him for some time now. I wasn’t stupid or completely in denial, but the fact that I was head over heels for this broody emotionally-crippled guy hadn’t clearly manifested itself before just now.  
I was really in deep.   
Still gawking I steady myself on the railing.  
I was in love and maybe, perhaps, possibly, he liked me back.

We were docked for the very last time, when it happened.   
It was another quiet evening. Iroh and the crew had had one of their music nights and I’d been observing the whole thing by the railing. I didn’t feel like joining, but I was observing it from afar. Tenzo played beautifully on a three-barreled flute.  
Zuko was a fizzing with anger all day and had excused himself from the pleasantries by throwing the tsungi horn overboard when Iroh had begged him to play.   
I had been smarter and just left him be while Zuko fumed over Zhao. It didn’t seem like he wanted to discuss the fateful ‘hugging’ with me… Or anything else… I tried to convince myself that it didn’t hurt my feelings a little bit.  
I clapped and smiled at Tenzo, who bowed his head humbly to his audience. One of the crewmembers, a big hairy man, wiped away a heartened tear.  
“Well I’ll take my nightly stroll, thank you for sailing with us this long, and the best of luck to you all.” Iroh announced to the crew. I quickly walked up to him.  
“Are you leaving Master Iroh?” I asked with some astonishment.  
“No. But our crew has decided to. It seems that Zhao has declared anyone who helps the Prince, a traitor to the Fire Nation. All these men have friends and family in the Homeland. I gave them permission to disembark.” Iroh looked over at the people that were getting up and sheepishly bowing to each other. Most of them wouldn’t cross paths again I suspected.  
“But who will sail the ship to the pole?!” I felt a blow of disappointment.  
“We will hire a new crew Kai – of course it will not be as good as this one!” He laughed and gestured the quite tattered and not that impressive company of dirty men. One guy leered at me, black teeth looking as if they were trying to escape his mouth, and I was kinda glad that one was leaving. The rest, I was sad to see go.   
Especially Tenzo.  
“Won’t you join me for a walk? The night is still young.” Iroh laid a warm hand on my shoulder.  
“No… I… I think I’ll go lay down for a while.”  
“Don’t be upset Kai,” Iroh patted me “the winds may have changed, but the sails are still up. I will go and tell Zuko about the crew when the time is right.”  
“Good luck.” I sighed. “I need to say goodbye to someone before they leave.” I waved at Iroh who happily wandered off into the dusk.  
“Tenzo. I just heard.” I sat down beside him. There was a small fire going and the flames made the shadows dance on the deck.   
“You’re going home, aren’t you?” I smiled.  
The large man didn’t look so hard when he wasn’t wearing the soldier armor. Tenzo tugged away his flute and smiled back at me with a tad more remorse.  
“As it turns out… I cannot withstand the rains of fire after all…” He sighed and looked into the fire.  
“Oh, don’t worry about it. You would be banished. Iroh knows that it wouldn’t be fair to ask that of you.” I hugged my shoulder as looked into the fire as well.  
“Neither love nor war is fair. I was always expecting to die for my nation... But I never thought I would be forced to choose between that and the lives of my family.”  
I shook my head slowly.  
“You shouldn’t feel guilty. I’m happy for you. You’re just doing what any normal person would.”   
Tenzo placed his huge warm arm around me and gave me a squeeze. “I’m gonna miss watching you knock the Prince on his butt Kai. If you’re ever in the Royal City, come by.”  
I sniffed and wiped my nose in my sleeve.  
“I’m gonna miss you too Tenzo.” And I meant it.  
After that, I said my goodbyes to the remainder of the crew. It was a quick order of business as most of them had already sneaked off into the night. They were scared of crossing blades with Zhao and his orders, and I really couldn’t blame them.   
Zhao was a scary dude. 

I tottered down the stairs to the lower floors and heard Zuko mumble angry tings as I passed his room. I was thinking about it twice before I knocked.   
“What now?!” He snarled as I opened the airlock door. He wasn’t wearing armor, but a soft looking dark set tied at the waist.   
Zuko looked casual and it suited him.  
“So you already know?” I sighed.   
“Those deserters! Scared children running back to their mothers while they still can! It’s better that way. I don’t need that pathetic of a crew on my ship.” He was talking to his swords on the wall and I closed the door as I stepped inside.   
“I can’t believe that Zhao forced them to either be banished or betray us. He’s so evil! I just want to kick him in the face so bad!” I slumped down on the cot. “Damn. We are so close.” I sighed.   
“Technically the threat involves you too.” Zuko growled and turned to face me.   
“So? I’ve already told you that I have nowhere else to be besides here. Making me public enemy of the state doesn’t really affect me. Zhao can’t do anything to me.” Well except for torture, imprison me for life and or kill me in a creative painful way, I added in my head, but I was trying hard to stay resilient to those facts.   
Zuko eyed me curiously. I leaned back against the metal wall, while thinking about what kind of horrible things Zhao could, technically, do to me if he’d got a hold of me.   
“… Why are you here?” Zuko asked calmly and crossed his arms.  
“I’m just hanging out.” I shrugged but he shifted his weight and was about to protest so I added: “Even if I don’t like to admit it right now, you are the one calling the shots, Captain.” I said in a patronizing voice and pulled my legs up on the bed.   
Something shone in his eyes; and it wasn’t his usual glare.   
The light in his small room abruptly seemed a lot redder than before. It had been the only time we’d been completely alone on the ship, no crew or Iroh, and was suddenly very aware of the silence that seemed to announce itself.  
“Do you have a plan?” I asked in a softer tone.   
My face felt annoyingly flustered. I rubbed my cheeks.   
“Of course I have a plan.” Zuko barked, but exhaled, he sat down beside me with a heavy bounce. “I have to capture him.” Zuko said in a rough voice as he looked at the floor.   
I already knew that he would never capture Aang like that. I weighed my odds of how Zuko would take that piece of information.   
Poorly, he would react poorly, would be the answer.  
“Why do you have to?” I tested.   
“Have you not been paying any attention? I am the rightful heir! I will fight for my country and my honor, even if it kills me. I will capture the avatar and complete my desti-.” He glared as I stopped him from talking by holding a hand over his mouth.  
“I know. I know. Destiny. Honor. Birthright. Jeez, you repeat yourself a lot you know.” I drew my hand back. He frowned.  
“… And I guess you can’t just assassinate your dad.” I said, joking of course, but Zuko had been completely thrown by that and was staring at me in horror.   
“I wasn’t serious Zuko! Why are you always so uptight?!” I exclaimed.   
He relaxed a bit.  
“It wouldn’t work anyway. Azula would get his place as the next kin in line. And she is far worse.” As he said that a shiver ran through my bones.  
“Worse?” I was about to say something more, and point out that Ozai was a pretty mean guy, but I stopped myself in time. “How is she worse?” I asked instead.  
“She may be my sister in blood, but she is… She wants to see the world burn.” He said quietly, and I knew how Ozai literally wanted the same thing. Again I stopped myself. It didn’t seem right to shoot the conversation down like that.   
The quiet settled in between us.  
“So. Are you really highborn?” He asked in a curious but tired voice.   
“I mean… No… I’m not royal per say.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “Actually… My granny traced our bloodline back to a Prince once, like my great-great-great-something, but the kid wasn’t legit.”  
“I should have guessed.” He snorted.  
“And why is that?”   
Zuko looked straight at me with no humor.  
“Because you are crass.” He said flatly. “And you don’t follow etiquette or have high standards-” I tried to stop the list by gesturing that I understood, but he kept going “you fight like a man, you have no sense of personal space and you curse-“   
“OKAY! I get it!” I cut him off and huffed. “I get it. I’m not a laaady.” I air quoted ‘lady’.  
“Not like I’ve ever seen.” It was meant as an insult, I think.   
The room was smaller now that we were sitting so close to each other.  
“What do you mean ‘no sense of personal space’? I don’t touch you!” I made a face and remembered I just had my hand on his face. “That much.” I rolled my eyes.  
“You treat the entire ship like your private quarters. You walk around in your underthings and you don’t even knock.” He argued.  
“One time! One time I accidently walked in on you-“ I stopped myself as felt my face turn even redder from reliving the episode.   
“And right now you are sitting on my bed.” He finished.   
I stiffened.   
“Well… I… I hadn’t thought about it.” I honestly hadn’t, but the fact that he had made me very anxious.   
An insignificant sound of the waves gnawing in the metal outside flowed through the room.  
“That’s what I mean. You don’t think.” Zuko scowled and suddenly also looked uncomfortable.   
I noticed his pinkish sheen and it made me laugh quietly. I was hoping I could think of something to say so the quietness wouldn’t just hang there. I was actually having a pleasant time, despite Zuko’s slight insults. But the only thing I really wanted to ask him was stupid and silly and I didn’t know how to talk casually with a guy who initially hated small talk.   
Thankfully Zuko broke the pause.  
“What would you do?” He muttered and leaned up against the wall too. “If you were me… If you could go home? What would you do?”  
The flames flickered in the lamps and Zuko watched me as I mulled over his personal question over. I already knew my answer.   
“… I would do anything…” I said tightly.  
“Have you found a way?”   
“No. Could be that Zhao has information from a spirit library but I deep-fried my only clue.” It sounded bitter because it was.  
Zuko made another long pause before replying.  
“I’m sorry.” He stared at the celling. In profile I couldn’t see his scar. Only smooth skin all the way to his collarbone.  
“I could have said ‘no’.” I said but it didn’t come across as lighthearted as I’d wanted it to.  
“It was wrong of me to ask it of you in the first place.”  
“Yes. Maybe it was. But what happened, happened, and I can’t change the past. I keep telling myself that the world was better off without a guy like that anyway. Sometimes I even believe it…” It was heavy stuff. The words were weighing in my mouth.   
“Then, it probably is…” Without looking at me he laid his hand over mine.   
I took it and loosely intertwined my fingers with his.  
Turned out that when we weren’t fighting, we could rather easily enjoy each other’s company.  
“You should show me how to fight with your twin swords…” It slipped out as I studied them.  
“I brought them from the palace. One of the only things I was allowed to take with me. They’re dao dual swords.” Zuko said calmly. “I’ve always likes swords. But I can’t teach you. You are too reckless and unfocused.” He mumbled and let my hand go.   
I was a smidge disappointed.  
“Who are you to talk about being reckless? I could learn it.”  
“You would end up cutting off somebody’s head.” He glanced at me.  
“Only if I’d meant to do so.” I defended myself. I didn’t think that it could be that difficult.   
Zuko snorted in a smirk.   
“You don’t know the first thing about weaponry.” He said.  
“That’s why I asked you to teach me!” I blustered back at him.   
“Why would you even want to learn how to use swords?”   
“Just because… It looks cool and what if my firebending one day goes away like all the other spirit stuff-” I snapped my mouth shut and covered it with my fingers.  
“Your spirit stuff is gone?” Zuko asked a little tight.   
I shifted in my seat.  
“Maybe. I haven’t tried anything since that… You know since the last time.” Where we kissed.   
Now it was his turn to clear his throat.   
“So you don’t know anything about the avatar anymore?” He asked casually but I sensed the undertone.   
I knitted my brows together.  
“I do. But I can’t be sure I haven’t changed everything already…” I sighed. “But I don’t think that your future had changed. As long as you stay on this path and stop trying to be like your father and Azula, you’ll be the best thing that has ever happened to the Fire Nation.” I said without thinking to hard about stepping lightly. It turned out I’d just put my foot in my mouth.   
“Are you saying I’m weak?!” He snarled.  
“No! Jeez...” I made a gesture for him to calm down. “I’m saying that you’re better than them…” I looked him in the eyes and hoped that he’d understand.   
I knew he didn’t. Yet.   
“Never mind. I’ll leave.” I said giving up on him and the deep conversations.   
“You should leave.” He stood. “And don’t come back.” Zuko’s face was smooth and emotionless. A piercing feeling struck me in the heart.   
“Again with that?” The feeling intensified and I tried to contain it but I knew that it was a matter of time before the ‘I’m hurt’ face would show – if it didn’t already.  
“You are of no use to me anymore and I fulfilled my part of the deal. You have learned firebending from my uncle. And now you should leave.” He said coldly.   
I was getting whiplash from his schizophrenic turn of tone.   
“Fine! Just when I think you’re my friend, you say something that doesn’t even sound like you! I didn’t know that I had to have a purpose to be of value!” I jumped furious to my feet and tore open the door.  
“I told you before. I don’t want friends.” He hissed while I stomped away.   
“Good! Because you don’t have any on this boat!”  
“It’s a ship!!” I heard him yell after me.  
I got to the railing of the deck.   
Someone that looked like Khun was running away on the pier. It was his twin brother.   
I heard Zuko yell something more behind me. He had come up the stairs. It could have been an insult, or unlikely a word of apology.  
I couldn’t tell you, because as I glanced at him over my shoulder our ship blew up. 

I was thrown, pushed and pulled at the same time.   
Everything was too bright and loud, and then suddenly too dark and quiet. I was under water. I was swimming but I didn’t know in what direction. The surface was just as dark as the bottom. I was holding a breath. It burned in my lungs. Dizzy and panicked I swam. Metal shatters speeded by me like torpedoes and I released a scream in bobbles as a splinter of steel slashed my thigh. I gulped a big mouthful of water in desperation of air. The second explosion sent a bright flash through the water and I saw the fires up above. In a few agonizing strokes I broke the surface. I coughed and gasped to catch my breath.   
Beautiful, gorgeous, delicious air!   
The iron vessel screamed metallically as it broke in half.   
I tried to orientate myself and see if I could spot Zuko.   
Oh! Zuko?!   
I took a rattling breath and I plunged my head under water to see if he was under me. It was too dark to know what was what. I tried to firebend but it was never going to work. I gasped for more air and looked again. The gash in my leg made it difficult to tread water. I tried to yell his name.   
Then the third explosion ripped the ship completely apart. I turned away from it to protect my eyes.   
An earsplitting swooshing sound was right behind me. Then a blow to the head sent me beyond consciousness. It didn’t even hurt at the time. I remember thinking something like the beginning of a curse before sinking under the surface of the ocean.   
.  
.  
.


	8. It’s a brave new world

PART TWO  
Chapter 8: It’s a brave new world 

I woke up in a shed. I was looking straight up in a very old woman’s eyes and it gave me quite the startle. As I tried to move I felt how my body was entirely broken.  
“Oh! Lay still! It’ll take a month for you before you can even stand!” She croaked out in a toothless smile and pressed my shoulder back in the bed.  
“I have to get up. Where am I?” I whispered, as it would appear that my voice had gone.   
“Youngsters now a days. Everything has to be now, now, now. That young man said the exact same thing as soon as he’d come to.” The healer muttered as she tottered around mixing something I couldn’t see what was in a cup.  
“Was it Zuko?” I said, barely audible.  
“I don’t know about anybody named Zuko. But he was a pale feller, too thin too.”  
“Did…” I felt dizzy but sat up again. “Did he have a scar?”  
“He sure did - right across that handsome face. Such a pity.” She mumbled and plucked something off of a high shelve.   
So he’d made it. Of course he’d made it. I knew he would. And why was I caring again? We weren’t even friends as it turned out. I exhaled but my lungs felt heavy and sore. But wait. How had I made it? Had someone saved me?  
“Is he here?” I breathed.  
“No missy. That boy was in a hurry if I’d ever seen one. He left this morning. Broken ribs an’ all. That charming man promised to look after him.” The woman paused and looked at me. “Oh… The boy. He said to tell you that you shouldn’t follow him… Oh… Poor girl, don’t worry, another will come along. He wasn’t much of a nice boy anyway.” The woman murmured the last bit.   
Well I guess it was done then.  
A very real sensation of utter heartbreak crushed me back into the sickbed. 

I spend the next month in the sickbed of the healer’s hut. She was my legs and arms in that entire time. Her name was Chie and she nursed me back to health. I stayed an extra three months after getting back on my feet to help her and her business. Iroh had paid her what he could, but I still felt like showing my appreciation to Chie. She taught me how to distinguish Fire-lilies from Morning-sun flowers, how and what dosage of Poppyhat powder a broken limp needed and how many an enemy should get.   
Her herb encyclopedias were old and tattered and I offered to rewrite and redraw a few of them – I’d always had a creative hand and a knack for drawing. Chie’s gratitude was too grand for me, every time she would walk by my ‘work’ she exclaimed in delight that I was so talented. A bit like a loving granny would do.   
But I couldn’t enjoy it. None of it. I was numb and hard to the core before the season had changed. Drawing and studying the herbs, plants and seeds were my only mental escape.   
I was fascinated with the usage of Nightsteam for a painless sleep and Running Chrysanthemum for hallucinating omen telling and how the old shamans had held mind-expanding ceremonies. Although to me it seem like a good excuse to get high with your friends and relax in times of great turmoil.   
I desperately felt homesick in my chest, but none of the shaman rituals or herb occultists spoke of portals or gateways.   
I was on my own.   
Stuck in a strange world and doomed to die of a broken heart. Or that’s how it felt for a time.  
One especially lonely and depressing night I speculated in taking a double dosage Poppyhat powder, as to send myself back to the real world, only I wasn’t sure if it would work or just plain kill me. I honestly wasn’t ready for that gamble just yet.   
I decided to wait for my return date, wait for the year to run out so to speak and then make up my mind.   
I studied and absorbed everything Chie mixed in her small pots and jars, and slowly I came to understand the full impact of universal herbalism had in this world. A crossover between medicine, and alchemy was one of the public pillar stones besides bending to life in this place.   
The old lady was also a bender, but as Chie put it, not a very passionate one. She said that bending was a trait like cooking and singing and you could have the talent without the motivation to use it. She firebended the fireplace and candles but that was it.   
I refrained from firebending altogether.   
My return date came and went.   
I left the Poppyhat powder on my dresser and left Chie’s at night without even saying goodbye. 

After that I wandered aimlessly around. I walked through the barren forests of the southern colonies, snuck past the border to the Earth Kingdom, slept in the high trees of the Free Woods and walked through the grassy fields of the warmer Xing Highlands that lead out to the ocean.   
I heard constantly about the Gaang and their whereabouts, no matter where I ran to. It was dreadfully sickening to hear that Zuko was back in the Fire Nation and had betrayed Iroh.   
I knew I would happen. I had kinda hoped that it wouldn’t because Zuko had met me and therefor been completely changed. But nah. He was probably smooching it up with Mai until he would realize that selling your soul to the devil doesn’t do squat for you ‘redemption’.   
And I wasn’t about to travel to the Fire Nation to give a piece of friendly advice in this, his darkest hour. Hey. Zuko never wanted my help, fine. He can do without, I thought bitterly. 

Food and shelter was a learning curve, and so was the being alone in the nature for a long period of time. It was scary, and magnificent, and lonely.  
I meditated, dappled carefully in firebending, walked, ate and slept; slowly making my way through the world of something that I felt like I should be even more excided about - but wasn’t.   
For a long time I’d avoided cities but eventually I ended up in the slums of Ba Sing Sa for a time.   
I knew Zuko and Iroh would be there but I didn’t visit their teashop.   
I thought about it a lot though.   
One day, where I was lingering by the Jasmine Dragon to catch a glimpse of Iroh I’d almost bumped into Zuko on the marketplace by accident. I was hooded and walked with my head bowed, as I usually did to avoid unwanted attention because of the hair.   
And just as our shoulders brushed against each other I caught Zuko’s eye for a split second. He had looked like he’d been smashed in the face with a bat. But before he could process what he’d seen I quickly dove into the masses and withdrew to the shadows. There, I heartbrokenly watched how he scouted the area. He looked nice with hair.   
I was out of Ba Sing Sa before nightfall. 

My bending was getting refined. I had to keep the training hidden while I traveled through the Earth Kingdom and that reduced some of my practices to the daytime and in the deep woods. I hadn’t felt anything strange-spirit-stuff for a long long time. It was sometimes in my dreams, but otherwise the power was dormant -and that made me feel very at ease and conflicted at the same time.   
The dangerous part of my bending, the blood boiling part, worked fine. Better than fine. I was creepy good at it. I only used it on pray when I hunted. But I would never kill or harm another person.   
The time with Khun had been more that enough.  
I kept having this hallow gnawing at my heart, like I was missing something I didn’t know what was. I ignored it most of the time but sometimes it would take over and I’d had to stop and squeeze myself real tight to make it go away. I didn’t know why I felt this empty. I was here, the place I’d dreamed about for so long.   
So why was I drawn to this idiotic idea of love that didn’t exist and probably never had.  
When I heard that the avatar had returned officially and that firelord Ozai had been defeated, I decided it was time to see this ‘Fire Nation’ that had been closed off for so long. Travel the countryside. Learn the myths and trades of the people.  
Maybe I could even swing by the palace and say hallo to the new firelord – or whatever.   
I didn’t know how I felt about seeing Zuko, but I did want to see the royal city that was built in the middle of a still active volcano.  
And so I made my way to the Fire Nation coastal lines. 

I stood in the small dingy and the fisherman behind me exclaimed that this was the world’s most marvelous visions as we sailed passed the royal docks. There were heaps of pleasant small talk on the way as he knew Tenzo and his family and we spent some time swopping stories. I would diffidently visit him before leaving again, but it didn’t feel right to come knocking this late.   
Besides I was all kinds of jittery.  
We made port on the other side of the isle, on a smaller pier where the fisherman had a client waiting for some crap-sharks. I walked out on the wooden wharf and helped him carry the lively shellfish to a stand where a woman was settled in her nightclothes. The old man thanked me, and I thanked him right back for giving me a lift, as I couldn’t pay the night ferry. He said it had been his pleasure to escort such a helpful soul. That wasn’t how I would’ve described myself but I’d smiled to him and walked in to town.   
I began hiking the windy road up the mountainside in the dead of night.  
When I reached the volcanic wall of the outstanding, not to mention intimidating Royal City, I felt the longing fade for the first time in months.   
The loose cape and hood that hung on my head was warm to wear in the daytime, but at night it was nice. I was hidden, concealing my hair in the fabric, as it was too distracting for most people. I tugged at the cape as I looked behind me to see if anybody was following me in these small hours of the night.

The Royal City was pretty despite the still battered stonework after the fight to overthrow the previous government. I had snucked passed the guards at the gates and snaked my way through the darkness on the rooftops as I had done so many times before in other cities. It was the best way not to make enemies. If they couldn’t see you, they couldn’t arrest you.   
That was my philosophy.   
“So this is ‘home sweet home’ huh…” I mumbled under my breath as I looked up the smooth red sides of the colossal palace walls.  
It was tricky to spot a way in - more guards, more people and steeper walls. I found a shadowed angle and started to make my way up the wall using a dagger. When I was inside the outer walls I crawled up on a balcony that seemed like a good place to get a better view of the palace was structure. I only planned on staying a few minutes and catch up with Zuko, and I would be out of there again.   
Maybe I didn’t even plan on talking to him at all.   
I looked around to see if there was an easy way to crawl up, but the red chalky wall was flat and had no grip.   
I sighed irritated and glided my hand over the barrier.   
More dagger-crawling I guess.  
Suddenly a fire blast flew by me to and I only just managed to dodge it in time.

I whipped around and fired up my own flames. Small quick dots blazed through the air around my opponent. It was dark and the moon only shone half, but I sized my fire instantly.  
“Show yourself!” The harsh command paired with his face stunned me and I backed in to the railing so hard the hood slid off my head. A gush of wind sent my hair flying.  
He raised his hands again to make a new attack, but froze mid-motion.  
“Yokai?” Zuko lowered his fighting stances and relaxed. His hair was down too, long and dark and it fell in his face softly. I suddenly felt self-conscious about how I looked.   
Shabby and rough from a season on the road.   
“Are you here to assassinate me?” He spoke slowly, and I dropped my jaw.  
“Unbelievable!” I put my hands on my hips. “Can’t I sneak in to the firelord’s palace to see an old friend without being accused of assassination? You haven’t changed at all have you?” I spoke with a lifted brow.   
Zuko sighed in relief.  
“You could’ve used the front door.” He sent me a look and I didn’t know how to take it.  
“Yeah, well…” I scratched my arm and leaned against the railing.   
A silence fell over us.  
“So…” He said awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair. “…How are you?”   
I breathed out a laugh and Zuko looked away. Something resembling a blush lingered in his face and I felt the hollowness subside a tiny bit.  
“I’m here because we have unfinished business to do.” I crossed my arms as I spoke.   
“And what business would that be?” He asked curiously and raised his dark brow.  
“You need to apologize to me.” I jumped up and sat on the stone railing.   
Zuko walked closer to me.  
“I have to apologize to you? You were the one walking out on our mission!” He said in a pinched tone. It made me happy.  
“Well. You did say that; I should leave, not follow you, and that we weren’t friends.” I counted on my fingers. “So… I took a hint.” I shrugged, a little coldly.  
He looked at me with his yellow eyes, thought it over and then gave up.   
“I am sorry about that… I didn’t mean it to be so harsh.” Zuko looked at the pale moon.  
“Good.” I nodded. I could take that for now.  
“You sure know how to hold a grudge…” He muttered. “I mean… I offended you a year and a half ago.” I got down and kicked him in the shin.   
“HEY! You can’t kick the firelord like that!” He jumped on one leg and held the shin I’d hit.   
“Sure I can. If you say stupid stuff like that, I have the official right to hurt you. Says so in the ‘Guide for Spirit-guiding’.” I smirked. “Besides, I didn’t know if I ever wanted to talk to you again...” The half-smile faded on my face and Zuko straightened again.  
“No?” He asked in a level voice.  
“No. You weren’t that good a roommate.” I shrugged.   
“Then why are you really here?” He asked tentatively.  
“Not for any particular reason… I wanted to see the city... The palace…”  
“Really.” He had a smugness about him.  
“Maybe.” A silence settled in while we looked at each other.   
“When you didn’t come to my coronation I thought you had found a way back… I thought you were gone for good.” He sounded a little hurt. I hadn’t known him like this.   
It dawned on me that this was a completely different person.   
“No I’ll stick around indefinitely.” I sighed.   
“Against your will?”  
“Sometimes.”  
“Have your spirit powers no effect anymore?”  
“They could never help me get home I think…” I cleared my throat and turned to the stars in the sky. “Besides I haven’t used it, or perhaps, it hasn’t used me in a long time.”  
“Then those things you showed me? Weren’t they from the other ‘side’ or what you used to call it?” Zuko looked concerned.   
I nodded.  
“Then there should be a connection.” He reasoned. This was the calmest, and I dare say the nicest, conversation we’d ever had.   
“Could be. But it also took me further up the timeline in this world so… Who knows what it’s connected to…” I said in a breath.   
“The white forest…” He muttered.   
The white forest, the search for Ursa, the one time where I’d canoodled him in a weird hazy trance.   
I looked up at him in shock.   
So he had seen it all.   
“Yes.” I huffed and waited for my embarrassment to fade.   
He walked up to stand beside me, but he didn’t look over. I now noticed now that Zuko was wearing a night wrap-around and it was only loosely tied at the waist. He’ gotten even taller, leaner, like stretched out and his face was less intimidating than it used to be… Tan too. Maybe it was the hair.   
I cleared my throat.  
“Possibly that’s a good thing… It means you are attached to this place too somehow.” He mumbled and watched the dark skies.   
I flicked my eyes to him.   
The wind howled far off over the ocean.   
Was he right? Was a part of me always intertwined with this parallel universe? Or was it all just one big freak-show of a coincidence.  
“I’m guessing you too saw what happened in the white woods then?” The uneasiness was soring under my breath and I hated it, but at the same time I was burning with curiosity.   
“Yes…” He gave me a quick glance and leaned against the railing of the balcony. “You kissed me.”   
“Technically it wasn’t you you… It was an alternative version or something… And it wasn’t exactly on purpose…” I felt my palms getting sweaty and I couldn’t look at him.  
“Yes it was.” He said simply.   
My face popped red.  
“No it wasn’t! I was not in complete control of my spirit-bending or whatever and it just” I nervously circled my arms in the air “did things! I didn’t mean to do it! I didn’t even like you that much to be honest, you were really mean!” I exclaimed, while I was subconsciously very aware of that I sounded like a child.   
Zuko looked slighted, his eyes glowed golden like amber in the warm light from the city under us.  
“Either way, that’s what happened.” He sounded a little slighted too.   
“I mean your weren’t horrible… Just less sympathetic.” I tried smoothing it out.  
Zuko hung his head for a moment.   
He looked so exhausted and I felt somewhat bad for keeping him up. I remembered that he properly was in a quite ragged state from wearing the crown after Mr. Ultimate Dictator.  
“So… Throne, palace, birthright restored, have you fulfilled your destiny yet?” I gestured the view.  
“You tell me spirit guide.” He grumbled and despite the time apart I recognized him more and more by the minute.   
It made me feel happy and I exhaled a sudden snicker.  
“Why are you laughing?” Zuko barked at me.  
“Sorry. It’s just, heh, I mean me being any sort of guide! Ridicules.” The humor left me as suddenly as it had arrived. How could I pretend to guide anyone when I couldn’t even find my own way home. It was my turn to study the railing bitterly, my turn to grip it too tight.  
“I have been searching for you Kai.” He sounded raspy.   
I looked up.  
“You know where Ursa is don’t you? You could help to find my mother?”   
I felt a pang of disappointment.  
“I can.” I reconsidered. I didn’t actually have any concrete coordinates. “I can try at least.”   
I walked past Zuko and through the open balcony doors. I entered what looked like a Lord’s chambers. An Emperor’s champers I corrected myself.  
“Where are you going? ” He followed me.   
“Not allowed to have girls in your room Zuko?” I taunted and looked around in the royal chambers. Even in the dead of night it was beautiful. Streams of gold, black and red ran up the walls and embroiled the ceiling. There was an oil lamp burning on stacks of paper by Zuko’s bed but otherwise the wide-ranging room was shrouded in shadow.   
“Are you leaving?” Zuko walked in front of me to cut me off.  
“You asked for my help, and I said I’ll do my best.” I wandered over to the desk where a whole row of inks and pens were symmetrically arranged. The pens were of jade and some sort of ivory. I picked one up -it was heavy and ornamented all along the shaft. A dragon.   
“But you’ll be in my debt.” I added in a flat tone.   
“Then… What do you want from me?” I couldn’t see if he was angry in the sparse light.   
He reaching in front of me and pulled out a scroll and picked the pen from my fingers. A soft smell of roses and spice flew past me.  
“Name your price.” He sat the pen to the paper on the narrow table.   
I felt insulted but not rightfully so. He was quite fair to assume I wanted financial composition for my services, but it made me feel cheap. I slapped my hand on the paper and we locked eyes.  
“I don’t want your money.”  
“Then what Kai?” He said and hesitantly put down the pen.   
It was the first time he’d used my ‘nickname’.  
“Isn’t it always good to have a royal favor in stock?” I smirked.  
“I don’t want to owe anyone anything.” He was standing close to me, we could have touched if I was to take a step small forward, but I didn’t.   
”I don’t know what I can ask of you.” I mumbled.   
He was thinking about something but I couldn’t decipher his expression. We stood like this for a moment. The quiet and darkness made it feel like we were closer than we were, and the urge to break the atmosphere pressed on me. His tan skin glistened on his collarbone, the hair fell to his jawline and those eyes. Those observing and calculating eyes cut right though me.   
The night breeze toyed with the sheer curtains.   
Eventually Zuko was the one to move.   
“You are the one who hasn’t changed at all.” He sighed and stepped away. There was bitterness in his voice.   
He wandered over to a chair where some clothes were draped over the back. He shrugged on a floor-length vest. I didn’t know how to react to what he’d said. I thought I’d changed a whole lot since the last time I’d talked to the high and mighty firelord.   
I crossed my arms and just as I was about to snap back at him when the oil lamp by his bed was snuffed out.   
Sounds of struggle muffled in the hall outside his door.  
Before Zuko could protest I smacked a hand over his mouth from behind, there we quickly slithered in to the shadows. When I let go he shot me a glare, but I put a finger to my lips, telling him to shut it! Then the door cracked open, just a few inches, and a hooded figure dressed in black sneaked in. This person was clearly up to no good. I put my lips close to Zuko’s ear.   
He stiffened.  
“I’ll attack from the front and you from the back.” I whispered, and he nodded curtly. 

I blasted up a flame in my hands and leaped out on our new enemy. The ninja was surprised and only just managed to dodge my head on attack with swirling fire blasts. I was in the air and something shiny metal flew right by my neck, the ninja blew another dart from a pipe but I did a kick to redirect it. I landed on my feet and hurried closer to the dark figure to deal another blow, the pipe flew out of his hands. While the guy focused on me - Zuko swept in from behind and kicked the legs away from under him and the assassin fell hard on his back. I quickly got him detained. Flipped him over and pinning him to the ground with a knee between the shoulder blades.  
Gasping and twisting the scrawny man tried to keep fighting.   
Zuko kneeled down and yanked the hood aside.  
“Who are you? And what are you doing here?” Zuko hissed.   
The guy squirmed around and shut his lips tightly together. He wasn’t going to talk.   
“Guards!” Zuko yelled as he stood and further down the hall a set of palace guards shuffled in. “Take this man to the dungeons, and search him.” Zuko ordered and I pulled the guy to his feet in an effective move.   
As the men dragged the assassin away.   
Zuko turned to me and brushed off his clothes.  
“You can stay in the west wing.” He said plainly.  
“Good. Then I guess I don’t have to worry about a place to crash anymore.” I grinned and stretched my arms.  
“You have something on your neck.“ He said and my hand flew up to it, he was right. I pulled it out and it had been one of the silver darts that the ninja had thrown.   
My head started spinning and my vision blurred.  
“Oh damn-“ And that was all I could say before the vertical lines became horizontal.   
“Yokai?” The echo of Zuko’s voice ricocheted in the darkness, and then I was out cold.

As I’d said I hadn’t felt any spirit activity in a long time and the visions had gone, so this was more than a surprise for me.  
I was standing in a chilly place, and I had to hug myself to keep warm. I knew it wasn’t a dream. I felt the sand under my feet and the wind in my hair. I was there. There was dwindling twilight on the skies behind a mountain and the calm ocean spread out in front of me. But the waves started to freeze in their motions like a buffering video. The colors flickered to blue and white, eventually everything turned white, like screaming blindingly white. It reminded me of Jerry’s great hall and I turned around in the empty whiteness.   
“What is happening…?” I asked no one.  
A deep voice called me to it, but it was impossible to locate. 

My eyes snapped open and I looked right up in a mirror framed in gold above me. So tacky. I sat up in the bed and touched my forehead. My hair was sticking to my face and I wiped it away.  
“Kai. How wonderful to see you again.” The warm voice of Iroh sounded.   
He was sitting to my left with a cup of steaming tea in his hands and a friendly smile on his lips.  
“Master Iroh!” I made a motion to get up but my head started spinning again.  
“Stay down Kai,” He set the cup aside and eased me down in bed again. “It was a powerful sleeping drug you were poisoned with. But you are in the best of hands.” He gestured a young girl who stood by the door with a golden tray.  
“Good morning lady Yokai, I’m Kumizu, the royal family physician.” She walked over to my bed and put the tray down. There were herbs and vials with goop in them lined up, and a needle -a big huge gigantic needle.  
“Hi. When am I fully healed?” I grumbled and threw the cover off, then I noticed that somebody had changed my clothes and I was wearing a silken wraparound pajamas. Who had undressed me when I was out? That thought freaked me out.   
I slapped my cheeks a little and sat on the bed’s edge.  
“I’m ready to continue your training!” I made the respectful hand-gesture and bowed my head to him, but Iroh just placed a hand on my shoulder.  
“I’m afraid I am too old now to teach you, and besides I have a tea shop in Ba Sing Sa to take care of. The Jasmine Dragon. You should visit it sometime.”  
My face fell completely and the nurse pulled at my shoulder to make me lay down again.   
I shrugged her off.  
“I am sorry Kai. A lot of things have changed after you left, many things for the better.” He retracted his hand and took a sip of his tea.  
“But Iroh, you were the only one I wanted to learn from. You have to teach me.” I pleaded.  
“No I cannot. You should lie down - get the poison out of your system. But I am glad to see you again sweet Kai, you have grown so much. I was afraid you had left us forever without a goodbye.” He smiled and I looked away.  
“I’m sorry. I just… I was lost for a time…”  
“We all get lost from time to time until we find our true path, look at Zuko. He is the firelord now and he has grown even more still. I couldn’t be prouder of him.”   
“He seems like himself.” I fiddled with my hair.  
“Please lady Yokai lie down, I have to give you the injection of the antidote.” The nurse on my right urged and held gently on to my shoulders again. She had light hands. I sighed annoyed and gave in to her. She took my one arm and started working. I felt queasy as her cold hands drew up my sleeve.  
“Zuko is still himself, but a stronger more truer self.”  
“He’s still a hothead.” I squeezed my eye shut as Kumizu inserted the needle.  
“Hah, yes. The temper will be his companion through life, but he has changed Kai. And he has been talking about you.” Iroh tilted his head and smirked. “A lot.”  
Kumizu hummed under her breath, a nice little tune.  
“Talking about me? Ouch.” I cringed.  
“Sorry my lady. There -I’m done. Now lie still and relax.” She dapped the vain and packed her tray together.   
“Yes ever since you left in fact. I’m sure he’s very relived that you are here and hadn’t returned to your otherworldly home.” Iroh had his foxlike smile spread on his face, but I couldn’t find it annoying or endearing.  
“I don’t think I can return…” I mumbled.  
“No?” He sat down the cup, and Kumizu hurried out as she properly sensed the emotional atmosphere.   
“No… I don’t know. All this time I spend on my own was good for my bending – I have the control I was missing, but my spirit stuff is out of balance. I don’t see how I can ever get back from this side. There is one way I haven’t tried…” Suicide was still an option but I really didn’t want to find out how death, however brief, felt. “But it is extreme and even if I eventually retuned to my world, I could perhaps never come back here…” I felt a tear leap down my cheek and I wiped it as fast as it had sprung.   
Iroh took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.  
“Don’t worry Kai. You will find your path, and perhaps it will lead you home, but until then you are welcome, like family, to us here.” He stood and gave me a soft stroke over the hair. “I made tea for you. I’ll leave it here by your bed.” And then Iroh walked through the tall doors of ‘my bedroom’. 

After the doors had closed I sighed deeply. Then the minutes dragged by.  
I’d tried, I’d really did! But I couldn’t lie still a second longer! I sprung out of bed, and at first I had to hold on to the wooden bedframe but soon the dizziness was bearable, and I could move around. I went on to investigate my new surroundings in the morning light.   
The bedroom was big, red and gold. In one end there was the exit doors and in the other were tall windows. I looked through them and down in a rounded garden. The wind carried summer and most of the flowers were in bloom.  
There was another door in my room and as soon as I’d opened it I was speechless.  
I had my own huge luxurious washroom. Like as in enormously HUGE! There was room for at least five people to stand comfortably in front of the mirrored sink, and set in the middle of the marbled floor was a tub. It was a deep square in the floor filled to the brim with steaming clear water with little pink and white lotus flowers floating on the surface.   
There lingered a warm smell of soap and lilies.   
I was out of my clothes and in the comfortable water faster than you could feed fire flakes to a rat-cat. I heated the water a little more with a deep exhale and steam stood from the surface.   
Now I wasn’t prone to enjoy exaggerated luxury but after being on the freaking road for longer than lifetime - this was heaven.   
I melted in water and felt how ever bad thought I’d ever had, just evaporate in the mist.   
I even think sang a little.

After spending hours in the tub, I’d managed to doze off in the hot soothing pool of happiness.   
It was the insisting knocking on my door brought me back in a jolt.  
“Are you up Lady Yokai?” A stranger’s female voice asked out in the bedroom.  
“I’m in the bath!” I immediately snapped in to a sitting position and scrambled out of the slippery tub. “Just a moment!” I franticly shrieked as I scooted around in my wet footprints in search of a towel. I wasn’t supposed to be out of bed, and I wasn’t even sure it was okay for me to use the tub. I got semi-dry and wrapped the smooth silky towel around a few times, leaving my hair to just drip.  
I tore open the bathroom door and felt the slap of chilled wind.  
“I was just in the- oh“ I looked up and saw a servant girl standing by the entry door, she had probably been the one calling, and then I saw Zuko in the middle of my chambers.   
He was dressed in a heavy top armor, in black and gold, and his hair was tied up with the royal crown.   
There was a moment where we just starred at each other.   
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM!?” I backed away from him clinging the, short, towel to my chest. The servant girl slipped out along the wall, with a red face she closed the door safely behind her. I heard the lock click.   
Oh god what was she thinking now.  
“YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE READY IN JUST A MOMENT!?! Where are your clothes!?” He said as he smacked a hand over his eyes, blocking his vision, and backing up too.   
“Why would you come in here if I was in the BATH!?” I leaped back inside the bathroom. “DON’T COME IN HERE PERV!” I screamed through the door and in a matter of seconds I had firebended myself dry and pulled on my pajamas-y outfit.  
“I AM NOT A PERVERT! I just though you were READY!” He yelled on the other side and I ripped open the door with a furious look on my face.   
He observed me tentatively as if he would expect me to be naked again.  
“Don’t look at me like that!” I stomped over to him and punched him in the arm.  
“Aw! I haven’t done anything wrong!” Zuko rubbed the spot I’d hit.  
“Whatever! Why are you here?” I asked in a sour tone.  
“I was just here to- to brief you on the matter of finding my mother.” His eyes had wandered downwards but quickly snapped back to mine.  
“Oh. Okay. I have something I wanna talk with you about too, actually.” I said and he looked quizzical. “Yeah.” I continued, “I wanted to talk about training. I don’t want to get rusty, so when do you usually train? In the morning or the evening?”  
“What?!” Zuko looked like I had punched him in the face and not the arm for a second.   
“You have to train with me in Iroh’s place. That is the new deal. And I’ll help you find your mom.” I shrugged and combed my hair with my fingers. It was tangled.  
“I am the firelord now. I don’t have time to fool around in training sessions with some girl.” He pinched the brim of his nose in annoyance.  
“Excuse me? Just some girl?” I placed my hands on my hips and stuck out my top lip.   
When Zuko saw me he rolled his eyes.  
“I didn’t mean it like that Kai.” He said, tired.   
“Good. I know you’re the firelord and you have lord-ly stuff to do, but then at least be my sparing partner. I haven’t fought a good opponent in ages, and I have to protect you from assassins now apparently.” I blew a strand away from my face.   
Zuko shot me a skeptical glance.  
“Fine. Now about the briefing, you said something about the mother of faces-”  
“I know where we have to go…” I interrupted.   
“Okay… Then, ehm, lets go!” Zuko almost smiled. It was very cute.   
I grinned back at him.  
“Yeah!” I agreed.  
“I’ll gather a troop of able soldiers and then we’ll go at daybreak tomorrow!” He turned to leave, again almost in a bounce, but I stopped him. I knew I had to warn Zuko about what was inevitably about to happen next. The shadow of Ozai was still cast in our lives.  
“Zuko? I… Just don’t tell your father…” I’d grasped his arm and now I drew my brows together. “He might be family but he will not give you whatever reaction you’re hoping for...”  
All joy drained away from his face.  
“I would never go to him. He is the disgrace of our bloodline.” Zuko said with a clinched jaw. I let go of him and in three long strides he’d vanished. I wondered how much of an impact my existence truly had on the story. So far I was tempted to consider it less than minimal.  
.  
.  
.


	9. Where there’s smoke there’s fire

Chapter 9: Where there’s smoke there’s fire

As it turned out you couldn’t just drop everything to go looking for your mom when you had a former dictatorship to democratize. I had been living in the palace for two weeks now and Zuko and I still hadn’t got to train together, not mention thoroughly discuss Ursa’s whereabouts.   
Actually we hadn’t even seen each other that much in that time.   
I was left to do whatever, and that was mostly just wander around, looking for secret passages, and training while Zuko frantically ran from one meeting to another.   
Even Iroh had left for Ba Sing Se and I had no option but to keep to myself and trying to deal with having servants around me all the time.   
I did try to meditate myself in to an introspective spirit trance like the times with Zuko, to see if I could locate my portal, but it didn’t work like that apparently. If it worked at all anymore.   
The doctor, Kumizu, still came by regularly and tended to my health. She was checking for poison symptoms from the assassin’s dart.   
I felt fine, but she kept insisting that I needed more rest; maybe she was right.   
I had the bedroom in the guest area of the palace that I rarely used. I couldn’t sleep and when I tried horrible nightmares haunted me. Dreams about white rooms and people on fire, danced around in my head and I couldn’t understand what it all meant. It made me avoid sleeping altogether.   
Instead I’d taken to long strolls through the palace and gardens in the small hours of the morning. 

One night I thrashed in my bed and woke up snapping for breath. The dreams were getting stranger and increasingly insisting. I sat up in bed and ran a trembling hand through my hair. I slipped on a pair of red slippers and wound a silken kimono around me.   
A walk will clear my head right up, I thought shakily.   
The halls were dark and deserted except for the guards that immediately stood straighter as soon as they heard me approaching.   
I lit a flame in my hand. It cast gloomy shadows on the carved walls. A shiver ran through me as Ozai’s mean eyes seemed to fix on me from the massive tapestry that felt like a bad omen. I could only see the relation to Zuko in the golden orbs, but otherwise they were nothing alike.   
I set out to walk through the royal garden. Usually I would take the fastest way to the garden, through the eastern halls, but this night I was sidetracked.  
Apparently I wasn’t the only one burning the midnight oil, quite literally.   
The orange light shone out from Zuko’s office. With a light tap I knocked on his doorframe.   
“Come in.” He said in a raspy voice with his face in a pile of papers.   
The moon was full and high in the window behind him. He had his hair down, and it looked messy but in a good way.   
Zuko flicked his eyes to me. He was surprised to see me.  
“Hi. Aren’t you going to sleep –ever?” I asked, kiddingly, as I stood by the fireplace and studied the fire a while. He tugged the papers away in a pile and got up.   
There were stacks of document surrounding the desk and towers of books that looked like they were about to fall over were stacked on every available surface. Busy busy.  
Zuko pinched the brim of his nose and walked over to me.  
“I’m so tired I could sleep on the floor.” He mumbled.  
“It’s not all fun and games being the supreme leader of a nation?” I smirked. “I thought it would suit you?” I spoke in to the flames.   
“Bossing people around and barking orders all day?” He sounded too tired to joke.  
“Well. Yeah. That sounds like your kind of job description?” I could see him falling apart from sleep deprivation. I opened the balcony doors and gestured him to join me.   
“Come, you need some air.” 

The soft breeze blew in my face and I felt a lot lighter as we stood by the railing. I figured it would help him too.   
“I’m not that bossy…” He muttered.   
It was still odd to see Zuko like this. Defenses down and exposed.  
“Maybe not so much anymore, but back on the ship! Woah... I wanted to smother you sometimes, heh.” I held on to a stray lock of hair to keep it from blowing in my face.  
“You weren’t the easiest to be around either you know…” He smirked to me and I was just about to protest but he continued, “I’ve always thought you knew me a lot better than you should, and I don’t know anything about you.” He was serious and murky again.  
“What do you mean?” I fidgeted with a flower petal.   
“I mean that you…” He turned to me and paused.   
I wanted to kiss him.   
BAM! That’s what I wanted to do right in that moment.   
Zuko’s hair moved in the wind and his yellow eyes burned straight though me. For the first time ever I really, like really-really, wanted to kiss him, and the feeling struck me so suddenly that I thought I had been tackled.   
I had to grab on to the railing to support my weight on my stupid jelly-knees.  
“… You are a mystery. I know nothing about who you really are. But even so you were the one who always believed in me Kai.” He stopped and I winced.  
“You’re thinking too highly of me Zuko. I stayed away. I knew you were having a hard time after the pole… And I stayed away.” Guilt bubbled through to my words.  
“I told you too… That… I shouldn’t have done that.” That was the truth. The message ‘don’t follow him’ ringed in my ears. He’d broken my heart but I wasn’t sure he knew that.  
Zuko took a step toward me and a blush covered my face. He had an ominous ambiance hanging in the air around him.   
“What exactly are you asking forgiveness for?” I flicked my eyes up to him. I thought about his lips and his stupid hair and his smell of spice while we spoke.   
He ran a hand over his face and sighed.  
“I guess I am apologizing, properly apologizing this time” he looked me in the eye I felt my the closeness of our bodies though they weren’t touching “for not bringing you along.”  
My face fell. Of course thinking Zuko had any idea of what had really made me stay away for so long was too much to ask. He had the romantic insight of a badgermole   
“Then you’re stupid.” I said flatly and he looked taken aback at my change of tone. “If I wanted to go to the Pole or anywhere else I would’ve just done so. With or without you permission.” I rolled my eyes.  
“Then why didn’t you?” He asked entirely clueless.   
“… I…” Suddenly the rush of fear of telling him the truth froze my blood.   
“I’ve been racking my brain Kai. I’ve done some horrible things. I’ve said horrible things. I even betrayed my uncle just to make my father happy… Please just tell me what I did to make you so angry at me.” He frowned.  
“It wasn’t just one thing…” I shifted my weight.   
“Then give me the list.” His voice was rough.   
Everything around me was influenced and infused by him. It was like the lights everywhere else dimmed when he was this near me.   
This was killing me.   
“Stop trying to make up for the past and focus on what’s happening right in front of you.” I said quietly.   
“Right… You sound like Iroh…” Zuko rubbed his good eye again. The dark shadows in his face told how spent he really was.   
“I’ll take that as a complement.” I shrugged a shoulder and smiled.   
“It was. But I just don’t get what it means.” He looked up at the moon.  
I let out a laugh.  
“Well. Think on it… I should go to bed, and so should you. It’s late.” I looked up at the moon too.  
The wind picked up from the east and blew the leaves across the balcony. He was still too close to me and I tried to take a deep breath.  
“Can I ask you one thing?” He said to the sky.  
“Sure.”  
“What would happen if I visited my father?” Zuko turned to me.  
I drew my brows.  
“You already know what would happen. You would get his poisonous advice.” I warned. “But you ask me hypothetically... Of course.”   
“… Of course.” Zuko looked away and I could see his inner turmoil.  
“Stay away from him Zuko.” I said sharply and the words hung in the air like orders.   
After a moment I let out a long breath. Tough love or not, I couldn’t leave him with those words.  
“Remember that one time where we talked. It was right after I’d been training fire-boiling with Iroh and I was feeling… Conflicted. You told me to get over it basically.” I laughed and rolled my eyes. “But more than that you said that I was a great firebender and that I should trust myself.”   
Zuko had the ghost of a smile on his lips.  
“Ozai wouldn’t have done that. You were never really his reflection, and you don’t have to be now. Trust yourself.” I offered gently, then grinned. “And get over it.”  
“See… You always believed in me.” Zuko said very quietly and lightly grasped my hand. I felt how warm his palm was and my fingers twitched. I wondered if he noticed.   
I hadn’t expected him to do that.   
“I also once said I didn’t want friends... I didn’t realize that I would miss the one I had, until I was truly alone. I’m glad you came back.” He stroked a thumb over my fingers and I did the same to him. It felt very intimate, and I was unsure if friends acted like that.   
The silence between us grew with anticipation.   
I wanted to lean against him, to run my hand over his neck, to press my body against him and to- I felt the breath get locked in my throat and I retracted my hand quickly.   
“Me too. Now I can go back to knock you on your butt. Keep that ego in check.” I winked and shot a pair of finger-guns at him.  
“Ego? I don’t have an ego?” Zuko said but he was smirking.   
“Riiiight and I’m a six ton skybison.” I laughed. “I’m turning in now. Try to take a catnap or something. You look like a ghost.” I walked backwards with a little wave.   
Zuko waved back and then leaned against the railing with his gaze at the view. His posture reminded me of a rude boy, but it was also very attractive.  
When I flopped on to my bed, face first, I let out a long groan.   
This was bad - all those confusing feelings, and thoughts of him made me feel like I was back on the ship, overanalyzing every glance or accidental touch.   
But tonight he’d taken my hand. It hadn’t been accidental at all.   
Are you seriously getting all rallied up over some freaking hand-holding Kai?!   
I scrunched up my face in the pillows.   
That night I had feverish dreams but they weren’t entirely unpleasant. 

The few days that followed were unfortunately just as boring as the ones past. Not including the night Zuko and I spend on the balcony pouring our hears out about our troubles that is… But one morning I was awakened at the break of dawn by a servant’s gentle voice that told me the firelord had time for a training séance and was waiting for me.   
My eyes snapped open and I scrambled out of bed.   
The servants tried to dress me in an orderly manner, but I whirled around and pulled the things on before their gentle hands could even get to me. A girl ran after me with a comb but I quickly grabbed a ribbon and tied my hair up.   
I couldn’t stand them touching me with silk fingers and porcelain palms.   
As I walked out in the corridor and toward the hall I heard one of them call out to me.  
“Lady Yokai do-don’t you want to bathe be-uh-before you see the firelord?” The servant girl, who was initially my handmaiden, was jogging and tripping beside my long strides.  
“No thank you Mika. I’m training, so bathing before sweating doesn’t make much sense.” I tightened the belt around my waist and smoothed the blond strands of hair back.  
“I see my Lady. What about your breakfast and morning tea?”  
“I can’t fight if I’m too heavy, so no breakfast, and the tea… Bring it to the hall please.” I said as I opened a set of double doors.  
“Very well my Lady.” Mika said as she bowed and walked to the kitchen, I swung around the corner of a corridor and in to the training hall. 

Zuko was there, standing with his back to me, he was wearing black loose hanging clothes. I already felt flushed but I pushed the feeling deep down in my stomach.   
He had bare feet and so I kicked off my wooden slippers.  
“Morning firelord. Are you ready to fight?” I smirked and shrugged out of the throw jacket I’d grabbed on my way.  
“Kai. I thought we were just sparring?” He turned slowly and plucked his crownpiece out of his topknot. A fast, almost invisible, girl handled the royal crown just as Zuko offered it to the side without looking. She hurried back in the shadows where she’d come from with grace.  
“Sure. That’s what I meant.” I grinned and rolled my shoulders. “Just a friendly match between pals.” I breathed out in a stretch.  
“With bending?” He asked.  
“Yes!” I jumped a little and Zuko sent me a look.   
Then he smirked.  
“Fine. I’ll win anyway, but if you want to fight so bad…” He shrugged in an arrogant way and I pushed my lips and lifted a brow.  
“Yeah we’ll see about that.” I mumbled as I took a stance.

We stood across from one another, twenty feet of raw bamboo mat between us. Zuko ran a hand over his tied up hair and got in to his fighting stance. The sun was rising and gave the room a red glow through the colored stain glass windows.   
“We fight until that other one taps out. And remember there is no shame in knowing your limits Kai.” Zuko teased in a confidently. God he was such a smartass.   
“No more staling your defeat Zuko.” I said and narrowed my eyes.  
Then the fight began.   
The first few rounds were ties and I wanted to win even more for every time we came to an inconclusive result. I had no idea what I was trying to prove and to whom. It got a bit intense.   
He was fast and light on his feet and his firebending was as precise as a surgeon knife. I was fast too but Zuko came pretty close with a fiery blow to my waist and I had to defend with a stronger flame to break it up.   
I needed to come up close if I wanted to get in and knock him out of his stance. I round kicked his hands in an orange fire and spun my kick close to the ground. In a blink I’d swiped him off his balance.  
Zuko landed hard on his back and I jumped on top to pin him down.   
“I feel like we’ve been here before? I’m the winner.” I said cheeky as I held his wrists.  
“I think you’ve forgotten that I won that time.” He twisted out of my grasp and caught my hands, he flipped us over and I was pinned under him now.   
“No you didn’t! Iroh tapped me out because of a tiny bit of nosebleed! That doesn’t count!” I said though my teeth as I tried to weasel out but he was heavy as a ton of bricks.   
“It counted then, and it does now. You’ve lost Kai –yield.” Zuko said in a rough voice.   
He was warm and slightly out of breath.   
I looked up in his golden eyes and felt out of breath too. But not from the match.   
“Yield.” Zuko repeated.  
“No. I haven’t lost.” I said with a twitch of my lip. His eyes glowed in the sunrise and I could feel the strength drain from me. My face felt hot and my body tingly.   
I had lost.  
The sudden sound of a door closing shut made me flinch and I whipped my head to it –as did Zuko. The room had been deserted from servants and suddenly it was just Zuko and I. I knew they were all trying to be respectful, but it was highly irritating to be reminded that we weren’t always alone. Goddamn servants!  
He turned slowly to look at me again.  
“So do you give up or what?” He pulled away from me but still had my wrists in his grasp.   
“No.” I said willfully.  
“Then we can stay like this all day. You are so stubborn.” He rolled his eyes and I fought his grip again but it was like iron cuffs.  
“I could get out you know. I just don’t want to hurt you.” I pushed my lips.  
“Sure you could. Tap out and we’ll have a rematch without bending.” He smirked.   
The sun was a deep orange and the room was warming up.  
I got an idea, but it was cheeky and a little risky. I had to distract him if I wanted to gain the upper hand in our rivalry.  
“Zuko… There’s something I have to tell you…” I said and tried to look entirely bashful.   
He lifted a brow and looked stumped.  
I could feel his hold loosen. Whether or not he had feelings for me, I knew that Zuko’s number one weakness was scary emotional intimacy! And I was going to use it!   
To make him uncomfortable I could either start to bawl my eyes out, or…  
“That time we kissed… Back on the ship.” I could feel my cheeks glowing red and I flicked my eyes to him.   
The expression on Zuko’s face was priceless.   
He was clearly embarrassed and he had turned a hundred shades of pink. It was too good, I couldn’t help but letting out a laugh before taking advantage of his inattentiveness.   
I quickly wound myself out of his hands and clasped his shoulder to get free of his weight.   
“What?!” He asked as I was on my feet and pointing a flame at his head with two fingers.  
“You lost. Yield.” I smirked.  
After he had unwillingly mumbled something about ‘fine’ Zuko was standing and sending me an odd look. I sighed, very contempt with my victory.  
“You should know Zuko, that there’s no shame in knowing your limits.” I grinned and tugged a blond lock of hair behind my ear as my bun had come undone.  
“You didn’t really win Kai. You cheated.” He huffed and crossed his arms.  
“No? I tricked you. That’s not cheating.”   
“I could have done that as well...” He growled and untied his crooked topknot.   
“You being all touchy-feely? I doubt it. Besides I’m not afraid of affection like you are. I’m a girl, we’re tougher than that.” I said with a shrug.   
Zuko took a step toward me and it startled me when he laid one hand on my waist and pulled me against him.   
“W-what are you-?!” I swallowed my words before I had even said anything.   
Zuko stroked my cheek with a thumb.  
He leaned in and my heart leaped up in my throat. His lips were inches away from mine and for a split second I thought he was going to kiss me.  
“I could be manipulative. I just prefer not to be like that.” He whispered so close to me that it tickled. “And I’m not afraid of you.”   
I suppressed the impulse to close the last space between us. My hands had been clutching his shirt in the front to hold him off, but now they relaxed. I felt his heart beat under my palm.  
He isn’t afraid of me?  
I flicked my eyes up in his and then down to his mouth.   
Find your head – think! He’s just playing chicken with you! I screamed at myself and suddenly managed to fight my way back to reason.   
In a strong shove I’d pushed him away.   
Zuko stepped back but didn’t let go of my waist.  
“Don’t do that.” I snarled.   
“Why? You did that to me.” He sounded insulted.  
“I didn’t go that far!” I defended.   
“You always go that far Kai.” His eyes glowed golden under the dark hair.   
I made a sound of insult.  
“If you are referring to the kiss-thing that happened like two years ago, I already told you that I never meant to do that. It was a stupid accident. It didn’t mean anything to me.” I was being cruel on purpose.  
“You don’t have to explain. I was there.” He said annoyed and let me go.  
“Then you know that whatever it was, it wasn’t between you and I. It was two completely different people. I just wish I could take it back. It would have spared me a lot of grief.” I strode over and grabbed my jacket.  
“You think it gave you grief? What was I supposed to think or do? You just ran out and slammed the door!” Zuko said and his temper had risen too.  
“Yeah I did! You looked like I had just assaulted you! I was embarrassed!” I pulled the jacket on with excessive force while I spoke.   
“And I was in shock! I thought you were about to throw flames in my face and instead you’d kissed me!” His eyes flashed with anger.  
“Oh boohoo! Like I was the one who had a reputation for throwing flames in people’s faces back then.” I stepped up to him and poked a finger in his chest. “You know something Zuko, you didn’t come asking me for a chat and cup of tea either, so don’t play the victim, okay?!” I huffed.   
I spun on my heel but before I’d taken a step Zuko grabbed my wrist.  
“I didn’t know that was an option.” He was still crossed but his tone was a softer one.  
“Well, it was.” I said flatly and tugged myself free.   
“Good to know.” He said just as flatly.  
That’s it? That’s all you’re giving me?? ‘Good to freaking know’? Well screw you too then.   
“Yeah. Not so much anymore though.” I said coldly and practically slammed the double doors as I left the conversation. 

The next day I’d been summoned to the library to assist the firelord in his search for the queen. I was sulky and didn’t say much. Zuko was rather to-the-point as well.  
We were fleshing out the travel plans for our voyage to the Fire Nation countryside and it was unsatisfying because I only knew very little of where exactly everything was. I had never studied the maps up close.   
“So we’ll go here? And then where?” He pointed on a village on the map. I walked over to stand beside him. I tugged my hair out of the way and tried to see where the village was.  
“I can’t see what it says…” I mumbled and I leaned forward, closer to Zuko. He moved away from me.   
“It’s Kotsu.” He sounded coarse and I flicked my eyes to him in a glare.  
Was he having the audacity to be angry with me when it was clearly my turn to be pissed at him?!  
“Alright. I honestly don’t remember anything about that place. Where would you go?” I straightened and placed a hand on my hip.   
“I would go down that path here.” He said curtly.  
“What. This one?”  
He reached out and so did I.   
Our hands unintentionally touched. We both retracted too unnaturally and too quickly.   
I combed mine through my hair to defuse the awkwardness and Zuko went on to scratch his neck.   
Smooth. I though sarcastically.   
“Go on.” I said and cleared my throat.   
“I don’t see much point in trying to guess which way we should go. I have to consult my father.” Zuko began rolling up the map. He sounded aggravated.  
“You don’t have to. I told you before that we don’t need him.” I said in a mean tone.  
“But I do Yokai. You have no idea where we should look and right now I don’t have time to waste on your little games!” He smacked the rolled up map down on the table and looked at me with narrow eyes.  
“Hey! I’m trying to help!”   
“And how very helpful you are.” Zuko said sarcastically.   
“Whatever.” I threw my hands up in pure wrath. “Go be Ozai’s minion. It’s not like you’re listening to anything I say anyway. So guess what, I’m done.” I was about to storm out from yet another of our ‘little chats’ when Zuko clenched his fists and took a deep furious breath.  
“Don’t.” He hissed.   
“I’ll do whatever I darn well please Zuko! You can’t give me orders.” I snapped.  
“Just... Give me a second” Zuko mumbled and ran a hand over the back of his neck while looking at the map. He took another breath.  
“I’m frustrated. And tired of feeling doubt. I shouldn’t take it out on you.” He bowed his head.  
My own temper started to dwindle in strength.   
“I get that…” I said quietly. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him just how much I identified with the crushing feeling of doubt. I was too scared to take that step and I loathed my cowardliness.  
He looked at me from under his dark bangs.  
“You spent half a year yelling at me. It’s my turn to be mad now.” I said simply, not really feeling like being angry anymore.   
“Fair enough.” Zuko looked tired. “But can I at least get to know why?”  
I walked back to him and took the map gently from his hand.   
“Hmm… Nope.” I smiled down at the paper as I unrolled them again.   
“… So I would take that route. Do you think it’s the right one?” He asked lowly.   
“I don’t know about the route. But this is the place we’re aiming for.” I pointed at the lakes marked ‘pools of faces’. The pools surrounded the small village of Hira’a.   
.  
.  
.


	10. Wrapped in cotton and dressed in silk

Chapter 10: Wrapped in cotton and dressed in silk

“But my lady, you have to sit still!” My ‘handmaiden’ Mika was pulling at my hair that went down to my waist at that time. It was hellish for her (and for me) to comb it and today she wanted to ‘do’ it up as well. I’d let her. She seemed excited and I didn’t have plans that interfered with a hairdo.   
I’d been training all morning with Zuko, and we were both getting better at the ‘sparring’ part.   
But ever since that last time we had trained I’d been careful not to do any confusing tings. Keeping it very pal-buddy-ish. Zuko seemed like it was more than fine with him.   
Whatever, I thought.   
As Mika dived an ornamented hairpin in my scalp, I winched.  
“If you keep squirming I can’t do my job my Lady!” She exclaimed and pulled at a lock of hair. I sucked air sharply through my teeth.   
Mika and I had been small talking back and forth, but she was mostly talking about palace gossip that included people I didn’t know.   
However now she said something extremely interesting.   
“- And so I heard that they were fighting in the throne room!” She wound a black ribbon around a knot of strands and I twisted to look up at her.  
“What? Who was fighting?” I said absently I hadn’t been paying much attention.  
“The firelord and Lady Mai!” She sighed annoyed. Whether she was annoyed with the hairdo, or me, I couldn’t say.  
“… Mai?” I felt a twinge of pain.   
”MAI!” The twinge became a bazooga blast.  
“Yes, I know right? The firelord’s girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend now I suppose, she was so angry that Kuzumi said to Inna that Theo was a very unfortunate-”  
“GIRLFRIEND?!” I turned all the way around in my seat and the pin flew out of my hair. “Zuko still has a girlfriend?!” I asked a little too loud.   
I had thought that he… Well… I didn’t know what I’d thought. Maybe that he was kinda in to me for like the past three years and had realized that Mai was a little… Too sullen? Murky? Grim?   
I always found her plain boring, and I would have expected Zuko to feel that way too, now that he knew me!! Of course… That was more than a little self-absorbed.   
Mika looked startled.  
“Well… I think they broke up just now…” She said, still taken aback by my reaction.   
Heck, even I was taken aback by my reaction.   
I knew I liked him. Maybe, yes okay, I could perhaps be very much in love with him…   
But I had never in a million years thought of myself as the jealous type. However it was jealousy that was tugging at my heartstrings.   
And worst of all I didn’t have the right to be jealous!   
I didn’t own him or anything! But still, a girlfriend… A girl he’d kissed and done other stuff with when we’d done the hand-holding AND the almost-kissing! Okay… Grey area…   
But still what nerve! That’s no way to behave if you have a girl on your arm!   
My face scrunched together.   
“Why did they break up?” I locked eyes with Mika.  
“I- I- think it was something about secrets…?” She stuttered.   
I sprung to my feet.  
“I’m sorry. I have to go. Where is Zuko?”   
“In the throne room perhaps?” She pressed up against the wall as I stormed past her.   
I was furious and a little hurt at the same time. 

I took long strides down the red halls and banged the doors open to the throne room. He wasn’t there. I walked out to the garden instead.   
Zuko was sitting by the pound and meditating, his yellow eyes immediately snapped open as I dropped down besides him.   
I crossed my arm and shot him a glare.  
“Can I help you?” He asked a bit irritated at being interrupted.  
“I- You-“ I went from furious to self-conscious.   
You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend that’s what’s wrong! But I couldn’t say that.   
I looked away.  
“And what happened to your hair?” He smirked.  
My hands flew up to the unfinished hairdo and started pulling at the ribbon.  
“Goddamn Mika happened to my hair! I tell you I can’t stand being in this palace a second longer!” I growled, but the ribbon was stuck and it hurt.  
“Do you want me to banish her?” He asked.  
“Nooo.” I sighed lengthily. “She’s fine. I’m just. Not used to being ‘royalty’.”  
“You don’t look like royalty. You look like a sky-bison like that. Just a tad shaggier.” Zuko let out a short laugh.  
“Ha-ha…” I said sarcastically. “I can’t even get dressed in the morning without ten people insisting on helping me. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how you do it!” I sighed and gave up on the ribbon.   
Zuko was taller than me.   
He gently touched my hair and tried to untie it for me. I stiffened and knitted my brows together.   
This was exactly the kind of behavior that would not be okay if you had a girlfriend! You don’t touch girl’s hair when you’re smooching with somebody else!! Well if they’d broke up I guess I didn’t mind! And of course I didn’t mind being helped in this particular situation.   
Goddamn - if he could just stop touching me I could analyze things rationally! I thought to myself.   
“Just order the servants to leave.” Zuko was calm and his voice was almost a murmur as we were sitting so close.   
I grumbled as I tried to think about something else than the word ‘close’.   
“I can’t do that. That’s rude… Ouch.” I cringed.  
“… Sorry. Yes you can. Their job is to listen to what you tell them to do. Nothing more.”  
“I don’t see it that way.”   
“Then you have to live with ten people seeing you... Change.” He cleared his throat.  
“It’s not that good a show.” I growled and felt the ribbon loosen. My hair spilled out of it and I tugged it behind my ears. Zuko handed me the black tie.  
“Thanks…” I thought about how I could break the ice on that whole Mai thing.  
“No problem.” He muttered.   
We stayed quiet for a moment.  
The turtle-ducklings quacked and swam in circles around their mother. The wind was mild and the sun was warm. We were sitting in the shadow of the cherry tree.  
“So… I heard you and Mai broke up…” I said. I figured that the straight arrow approach was best after all.  
Zuko looked at me with a blink.   
“How…” He shifted in his seat.  
I shrugged.  
“The servants gossip... I didn’t even know you had a… Mai, to begin with.” I pulled my legs to my chin and looked at the water. Trying to look indifferent.   
Flowers floated on the surface.   
“She was a friend of my sisters. We grew up together.” He sounded hesitant. “We were a couple for a long time but… You could say that we grew apart…” Zuko glanced at me. “She didn’t understand what it means to be the firelord - sometimes she wanted me to be someone else. Someone she’d known a long time ago…”   
It was odd to talk about Mai. In my head I saw them being close, touching, and it stung more than I would like to admit.   
I exhaled.   
Did I understand what it was like to be firelord? Did I ask him to be someone else? I considered it. I didn’t feel like I wanted him to be the old mean Zuko if that’s what he had meant.   
“Yeah… You’ve changed.” I mumbled. “But it’s for the better. Like Iroh said.”   
“You think so?” He sounded doubtful.  
“Yes. I mean, you’re still Zuko. Just a less jerk-ly version.” I said and grinned.   
He smiled a little, but then dropped it as soon as he understood the insult.   
“Hey!” He said.   
I laughed and puffed him gently with my shoulder. The breeze played in my hair and a bird tweeted softly in the cherry tree.  
“This is nice. Just talking like friends.” I sighed.   
Without the drama, for once I added in my head.   
Zuko sent me a look that I didn’t know what meant.   
“It is…” He nodded calmly and then added; “you should meet my other friends.”  
“The avatar?” I asked intrigued. I had wanted to meet Aang properly for a long time - technically I’d already met him on the ship when I was pouring out of a closet.   
“Yes. Aang, Toph, Katara and her brother Sokka.” He smiled.   
“I would love to meet them!” I beamed. “I know that they are really cool peeps. And I want to meet Momo and Appa too. I wonder if I could get a ride. I bet I’ll like it better that Toph.” I said.   
“… It still throws me a little when you know stuff without it making sense.” Zuko mumbled and added: “There is the ceremonial solstice in two nights, they’ll all be there and I promised I would bring you.”   
“A ceremonial thing? Ugh… Sounds like more hairdos to me.”   
“Perhaps… But you don’t have to do all that you know.” He shrugged. “It’s just convention and etiquette – not law or anything. I mean I can’t banish you for wearing pants.” Zuko said with a smirk. Well, he could, but I didn’t feel like pointing that out.   
“I can’t even wear pants?! That party is going to be so fun…” I sighed and fell up against the cherry tree. Just the thought of being dressed up in tight robes at a warm snooty party with ‘important’ people was hard to bear.   
I rubbed my face.  
“It’s not so bad.” Zuko offered.   
“Do you like this kind of thing?” I asked. “Formalities and ceremonies?”  
“… No. But it’s my duty to attend.” He looked drained. “And if my friends are there it really isn’t that bad.”  
We sat quietly for a short time and enjoyed the summer’s warmth.   
I wanted to make a good impression on the Gaang and that made me a tad nervous. But a little part of me was pleasantly excided about wearing a pretty dress and looking like a real noble Lady for a night. That silly part of me was the same that now glanced over at Zuko, wondering how he would react when he saw me like that. 

Iroh had sent a hawk the next day, saying that he couldn’t make it to the solstice ceremony because of a tea-emergency. I suspected that he was just as done with formal parties as me.   
Mika had prepped me for the big event - even though I hadn’t asked for it. She wouldn’t stop yapping about which bow to use on which person in what situation.   
Very complicated as it turned out.   
“And the deepest waist-bow goes, without saying, to the admirals and high priests.” She said as she folded robes together and stacked them in my closet. She was picking out my outfit – which I was fine with. But in an obsessive moment Mika had emptied my entire dresser to choose the best ensemble. Pants and layered leggings with short skirts had been discarded, then, anything too bright or too dark! Then anything with a big flower motive, as solstice was more a ‘dragon time of year’ Mika had said. I was lightly amused by that, the feeling was almost immediately overshadowed by intimidation. This party crowd would be just as obsessive.  
“I thought that I should bow deepest to Zuko?” I said ironically and sipped my tea.  
“No! You bow sitting down to the firelord when presenting yourself! Like this.” She demonstrated. “See? Your forehead has to be a nose’s length away from the floor and your hands in a symmetrical triangle above your head.” I sipped my tea while she talked.  
“… I’m not doing that.” I said quite indifferent. She froze mid-motion of getting up.  
“But- but- you have to.” Mika stammered.  
“Why?” I asked in a sigh.  
“Because it’s etiquette.”  
“Why?”  
“Because that’s the way it has always been done.”  
“Why?” I was being a pest, but she had honestly started it.   
“Because! My Lady! You have to do this to show your respect and gratitude to the Fire Nation culture. If you don’t do this, shame will be cast on your name! And because you are a close friend of the firelord – his name!” Mika was being hysterical.   
I looked out the window and saw the oceans and lush islands of the Fire Nation. It was beautiful. Was I being too stubborn? When was it okay to do something out of character to show an understanding of a culture?   
I scowled. It would seem that this was a ‘pick your battles’ kind of moment.   
“Fine. Show me again.” I growled and turned back to Mika. She obediently demonstrated and I made a face. It was waaay too humiliating to bow that low – to a friend. 

The two nights had passed and it was the afternoon of the summer solstice ceremony.  
I had been bathed, scrubbed and plucked pink the entire day. Mika had directed a symphony of handmaidens trying to make me look just right. It would have felt very chauvinistic if I didn’t know that the formal prepping for guys was just as thorough and painful. That made the whole thing rather classist instead, which I also had a problem with.   
Not easy being a modern idealist in a historical period.  
One girl smoothed my long hair with oil, another buffed my fingernails with a kind of glaze, while a third girl rubbed my legs with lotus balm. I didn’t complain - and to be honest I was proud of myself for that. I mean, yes it was fun being ‘pampered’, for like a second, and after that it was just torture! I couldn’t move, I couldn’t eat I couldn’t even breathe as I wanted to because I would inhale clouds of the shimmery powder a fourth girl dusted on my face and body.  
I was naked and cold and bored! And when the dressing began I welcomed it like welcoming a good friend. 

Because I was wearing a traditional robe I wasn’t allowed to wear underthings, I wasn’t even allowed to tie my chest in like what I normally did when I trained. So there I was. Naked as the day I was born, while women buzzed about me with oceans of garments -Thigh high white stockings, a white cotton robe, an orange robe, a red robe and finally the silk robe in a darker red. They were all tight may I add. But it didn’t stop there apparently. Waist ties and back-drapes were added until I felt completely imprisoned in clothes.   
This was in the beginning of summer.   
I was swimming in sweat under the layers.  
Then face and hair – a tight half-topknot with a golden lily hairpin and dark pink lips –the shade of lipstick was the only thing I was sort of allowed to decide. Mika tried to force me to put dirty-looking powder all over my body as well to make me look tanner ‘and more like a real firenation girl’ she’d said, but I wasn’t having it. I’m all for self-tanner, but one more coat of makeup was just too much. It was all beginning to be too much!   
When I finally did cross my breaking point, it wasn’t pretty.  
“That’s enough! Leave me!” I shouted and waved the girls off me with a fire in my hand. “I am done! I don’t need any more goo, or gunk or perfume on my skin or sticky stuff in my hair!!” I yelled as I kicked a bottle of something on the floor.  
“But my lady-“ A girl fitting the shoes started to argue.  
“LEAVE!” I roared with a flame blasting from my hands, and the girls squealed and scrambled to get to the exit, Mika last, who guided them out by the door. She sighed frustrated before closing it halfway after herself. 

For the first time in months I was completely alone in the daytime.  
I sank down on a divan and caught a glimpse of myself in the huge mirror. It was hell getting there, but the result was very convincing. I looked like royalty. Gleaming and glowing from every ankle. The dress was too tight to sit in and I lay down on the divan instead.   
I looked nice, but in my opinion it hadn’t been worth it. Well… That would depend on who noticed I looked nice.   
I smacked a hand to my forehead.  
“Why am I so pathetic …” I mumbled under my breath.   
“You aren’t.” I heard Zuko and I snapped up. The robe dug in to my ribs. “Not always at least. I heard you’re terrorizing the staff?” He leaned against the doorframe to my room with a smile playing in his lips. Zuko was dressed formally too, and the casual standing clashed with it.  
“I didn’t mean to scare them… I just needed a little space...” I said and felt out of breath.   
Damn, being dressed like a highborn woman was painful.  
“You almost sat a servant’s hair on fire.” He wasn’t mad about it. I think he thought it was funny, and that it proved his point about asking the servants for alone time once in a while.   
I felt bad for the girls though. And embarrassed.   
“An exaggeration I would say.” I stood and smoothed the silk. As I found his eyes again I blushed. He was studying me.  
“… What…?” I touched my hair and my face to feel if it was out of order.  
“Nothing. You look like a Lady. It suits you.” He said as he turned around.   
I was ambivalent about that statement.  
“Aang and the others have already arrived. If you wanna meet them?” Zuko looked over his shoulder.  
I trotted after him.   
The robes were also difficult to walk in and I tripped in the layers of fabric on my way out the door. Zuko grabbed me by the arm as a reflex then lifted his brow in question.  
“It may look nice but it’s very unpractical!” I huffed. 

We walked down the hall, tugging at my dress every few meters, and then I saw him through the window. Out in the courtyard the huge sky-bison made me forget my misery instantly. I lifted my tight skirts and ran towards Appa with a smile widespread across my entire face.  
“Kai! Wait!” Zuko ran after me.  
“Appaaaa!” I said and hugged the side of the big animal. The bison made a curious sound and the hummed deep in his stomach with content as I patted the soft thick fur.  
“Who’s the best sky-bison in the world? You are! Yes, you are! You are the best sky-bison in the world!” Appa rumbled happily and flipped over on his back. The ground did a little shake under his six ton back. I scratched him and buried my face in his warm belly.   
“That’s… What? How? Have you met Appa before?” Zuko said stunned. I looked at him over the shoulder.  
“Nah. But he so cute I couldn’t help myself.” I scratched his belly again and almost crawled on top of the vibrating fluffy mountain.   
“Kai get off him.” Zuko said in a low voice.  
“Mwhy?” I asked muffled by fur.  
“Your dress…” Zuko looked away as he spoke and I slid off the sky-bison. I smoothed the robes out.  
“Jeez. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t ruin it.” I said - a little offended.   
Appa rolled around and licked my hand, well arm, and I let out a laugh.  
Zuko was struggling for words and I felt him tugging at the skirts on my lower back.   
Appa wiggled his toes in a growl.  
“Thanks for backing me up pal.” I stroked his big head.  
“That wasn’t- Arh. Just come on. The others are waiting for us.” Zuko pulled me down.   
I slid off the animal and into his arms. Effortlessly he put me to the ground.   
My skirts were riding up, so I smoothed them again.   
I didn’t think anyone had noticed it though.  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you later you beautiful thing!” I waved to Appa. He protested a little but eventually lay down with the tongue sticking out of his mouth. He was so adorable! And I so much more wanted to take a ride on Appa than go to a royal party. What did that say about my priorities. 

In the throne room the Gaang were assembled.   
They all looked a lot like I remembered from my side of the world, but even more amplified, maybe because people talked so vividly about them. The only one not present was Toph Beifong. She would arrive a little later with her metalbending students. As we walked over to them Zuko and Aang exchanged a friendly look and I felt a little tense.   
“Everyone, this is Yokai.” Zuko presented me. I waved awkwardly.   
“WOAH! WOAH! You are the girl I saw on Kyoshi! GUYS this is the white haired firebending girl that knew my name!! SHE REAL! SEE SEE!” Sokka ran to me and grabbed my shoulders to show me to Katara and Aang. Katara dropped her jaws for a second, and Aang blinked.  
“You didn’t tell us she looked like that, Zuko?” Katara said in a smile when she’d steadied herself. “You really have white hair.” She added confounded. Sokka put me down.  
“I would call it blond, but yeah.” I shrugged in friendly manner.  
“Pew, that’s a relief. We all thought Sokka had hit his head back on Kyoshi.” Aang grinned.  
“Don’t you remember? We’ve kinda met before too?” I inquired Aang.  
“Have we?”  
“I guess… I mean not officially. You helped me out of Zuko’s broom closet back in the South Pole. I was stuck because my portal open up a weird place.” I laughed.   
Aang frowned in sweet concentration.   
“Oh yeah, I had almost forgot!” He broke in a bright voice.   
“Okay so, hi everybody. Call me Kai. You kai’nt believe how happy I am to meet you all.” It would have been funny if they’d known I was joking and didn’t think I had a speech impediment.   
Zuko wandered over towards me in a smirk. He was thinking the whole thing hilarious.   
“Thank the Moon! I’m not crazy!!” Sokka exclaimed and spun me around to face him. His eyes grew wider and then he abruptly let me go.  
“Heh, no you’re not. I was on Kyoshi during your epic fight. I tried to minimize the burning the village.” I rolled my shoulders.  
“Really. I didn’t know.” Zuko said in a pondering tone.  
“Well. I was avoiding bumping in to you. You would have thrown me off your ship if you’d seen me helping the avatar. Sorry for the bad first impression Sokka and Aang.” I made a face.  
“I think Zuko is the best at worst first impressions here!” Sokka exclaimed loudly in a smile. The gang let out a laugh and Sokka pulled out his boomerang to explain that even though Zuko kicked him off the ramp, Sokka’s boomerang had knocked the helmet right off Zuko’s head.   
“Since then I’ve tried to redeem myself.” Zuko shrugged, “at least I don’t introduce myself with a flame in my hand anymore.” He shook his head lightly. I got the vibe that he’d been teased with the boomerang-thing a lot during the time they’d all spend on the road.   
“Nice to meet you Kai, I’m Katara.” Katara said and dived in for a hug.   
She was lovely but had a real admirable aura surrounding her – kindness, wisdom, edge and someone who demanded respect. I felt a little uneasy, because I didn’t have that at all.   
“And I’m her brother, Sokka: Great warrior and the avatar’s personal swords- and boomerang-man!” Sokka said as he wriggled his brows and grinned boyishly.   
I smiled. I’d always liked Sokka.  
“We’ve heard so much about you Kai.” Katara continued the politeness.  
“I hope only good things.” I said and glanced at Zuko.   
Had he been talking about me? What had he been saying? I fight like a man and dress like a hobo? I felt apprehensive.  
“Is it true you can see the future?!” Aang dropped his formal avatar act, and asked in a childlike manner. His eyes were wide with excitement.   
I nodded and shrugged. Kind of true.   
“Yes we’ve only heard good things about you, spirit-” Katara said but Sokka cut in.  
“Except for the short temper, the stubbornness and flair for the dramatics.” Sokka said as he counted on his fingers.   
I turned cherry red on the spot. Flair for the dramatics?  
“Sokka!” Katara turned to her brother.  
“What?!” I exclaimed in mortification.  
“I have not said that!” Zuko pushed Sokka away and looked flustered at me.   
After that awkward bump, the rest of the conversation flowed loose and nice. We talked about their travels around the world, and I asked about tings that had been nagging me – like for instance, if Aang still kept in touch with the fire nation kids he’d invited to the dance party in the cave. Turned out he did. I also asked about his spirit walks and probed for meditation advice.  
Aang returned the interest threefold and asked me all sorts of stuff about the future, the nations, the order of things and restoring harmony in the world.   
By the end I was a little tired of having to give half-assed answers.   
I simply couldn’t answer everything.   
I think Katara noticed, and she was kind enough to change the subject. 

Then a servant informed us that it was time for the other guests to arrive.  
Zuko excused himself and walked off to sit on the throne. Then the gates were opened and people were presenting themselves to the firelord. Guests were called from least to most important. As the ranks got higher the men got older and the women lovelier. I felt too confined in the drapes and my heart began to pound as people started small-talking in between the presentations –mostly discussing politics and exchanging gossip. I was briefed that I was going to be called right before the avatar, which was a great honor, but I was almost positive that I was going to trip or throw up.   
Nose length from the floor, symmetrical triangle, polite smile, no teeth, no fumbling around when getting up, don’t make a sound.   
I didn’t know I cared that much until I stood next in line!   
It was just fancy humans, not demi-gods, and it was just Zuko sitting up there -not some stranger or even more terrifying, Ozai, on that throne.   
I took a deep breath.  
“Lady Yokai, spirit guide and keeper of the Crown, of the spirit realm!” The caller said.   
My heart jumped out my chest and I walked slowly to the long stretched carpet. I looked at my feet. My cheeks felt red and puffed in concentration.   
Don’t trip – don’t trip!   
Then I stood in front of him. I looked up and Zuko was sitting, like a true firelord, on the throne behind the low flames. I’d forgotten everything Mika had said. I grinned at him and did the tiniest of waves. Zuko bowed his head to hide a chuckle. It made me relaxed.   
This wasn’t a big deal at all.   
I kept smiling but I knew it wasn’t the end of the world to do this thing.  
Then I tugged in my dress, keeled and bowed –like a true Lady. 

Dinner was good.  
I really liked talking to Sokka. He was blunt, creative and funny. As we sat down he swooped in and sat next to me. I was supposed to sit next to Zuko - as he would have the avatar on his right and his spirit-guide (as Iroh was a no-show) on his left. I didn’t mind at all. Sokka was really the nicest guy and he had lightness to his person that I admired.   
“A space-sword, really?” I asked, though of cause I knew about the impressive weapon.  
“Yeah! It was the greatest of swords!” Sokka paused. “And I didn’t even get to say properly goodbye to it.”   
“Maybe you’ll stumble upon it when you’re traveling? I mean who knows, maybe the space-sword is trying to find its way back home to you right in this moment.” I said as I sipped the sweet nectar wine. It was close to a soft drink, but with a small edge of alcohol. Sokka nodded.  
“Do you see it in the future?” He asked.  
“Nah. Not really, but who knows!” I laughed. “Besides didn’t think you believed in spirit stuff.” I said and popped a cherry in my mouth.  
“Weird spooky spirit stuff yes, predictions no! If there’s no prof, it doesn’t exist. And you can’t really see the future, past and present? I mean come on! It has to be a hoax right?!” He said waving his fork around. Zuko was sending him an bothered look.  
“I guess I can’t convince you. How is Suki? And is Ty Lee enjoying being together with the Kyoshi worriers?”   
“Well it’s all good! I miss Suki, but she is doing so many things right now. Actually I wouldn’t have thought mr. fireload would be talking about them.” Sokka glanced over at Zuko.  
“I didn’t.” Zuko took a drink of wine.   
“… How-? Who-?” Sokka started talking and gaped at me. I smirked.

We ate, talked and drank. I was having the best time with the gang but eventually the party was brought to its feet as the horrid mingling began.   
I tried to stay close to the people I actually liked talking to, but they were all quickly pulled in to conversation about their skills.  
Katara, being the powerful healer that she was, was consulted about sick relatives and old war injuries. Aang and Zuko were already deep in political consult with lords and emperors. And Sokka had found a crowd that was willing to admire his boomerang.   
A pair of elderly folks, that looked almost as dry as the desert itself, approached me and started to inquire about the ‘spirit guide’ title. As far as I could see, they were trying to figure out how important I really was. As soon as they discovered that I had no power or influence in any direct way, they discarded me as the firelord’s good ‘friend’.   
Though if that had been the case, I would think there would be a little more respect for a future queen. Streams of people passed along with conversation in same manner, which was both humiliating and boring.   
I scouted the room for an escape.  
Just then Toph arrived with the oddest assembly of teenagers, and they immediately started to hang out at the buffet. I was standing a little out of place in the middle of the room and decided to introduce myself to Toph.  
“And one other thing you prissies, if I catch you drinking one drop I’ll make sure you sleep in the dungeons tonight!” She corrected her students with a lifted finger. I was about to walk away again. I didn’t want to interrupt anything, but Toph turned on her heel.  
“Well Well, if this isn’t the famous Yokai I’ve been hearing all about?”   
“Ehm. Yes that would be me. Hi.” I waved but remembered she was blind. “How did you know?”  
“You are the only one with blond hair, remember?” She said in a smile.  
“… Yeah but aren’t you… I mean can you sense hair color?” I asked stupidly.  
“No my students were just talking about you coming over.” She lifted a brow and gave me a look like I was retarded for asking that sort of question.  
“Oh… Right.” I tugged at my robe. The students stared at me -especially one gloomy feller who I think was wearing black eyeliner.   
“Now run along kiddies, I’m mean you ogle eyes, the adults are gonna talk.” Toph said over her shoulder and grabbed my hand in a firm handshake. It felt like she was about to break my hand and I had to swallow a whine. The students shuffled off.  
“So why are you here? And what do you want with Zuko?” Toph asked me in a sharp tone.  
“Want?!” I felt blush “actually I don’t really want anything… I mean other than to help if I can. I know I can’t go back from where I was so…” I said taken by surprise by her forwardness.  
“Okay I can feel you aren’t lying. Much.” She grinned in a smug way.  
“I don’t know-“ I started but Zuko joined the conversation. My face turned even redder.  
“Toph it’s good to see you.” Zuko said.  
“Well somebody has to breathe the life in to these boring parties!” She grinned and hit him in the arm. I could only guess at how strong she really was, and if she held back.  
“So what are you talking about?” He asked and rubbed his arm.  
“Nothing really, we’re just talking about what Yokai wants.” Toph smirked I held my breath.  
“Want? Want with what?” Zuko lifted his brow and looked at me.  
“With who is the question-“ Toph said and I stepped in front of her and covered her mouth.  
“I think I want more wine!!” I exclaimed. “That’s what I really want!” Toph bit me, and I let go of her. “Ouch!”  
“Okay… I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’ll get you a glass Kai.” He signaled a waiter with a tray of tall glasses.   
“I have to check on my students. See you later you two.” Toph winked and walked away. Zuko offered me a glass and took one himself. I sipped my drink and it turned out to be bobbly and sharp in the taste. I was relieved that we were alone but I was still flustered.  
“Do you like them?” He questioned and studied my face.   
“I do. They are fun and sweet. And a little invading in the sense of privacy.” I breathed out a laugh. The music in the background was soft and the strings and horns were beautiful.  
“That’s a… trait. It grows on you.” He smiled and looked down in his glass.   
“Mm. I like them a lot.” I bit my lip in a smile too.   
I wished for a second that Zuko could meet somebody from where I came from, one of my friends! The smile faded. He would never get to hang out with them, and a gloomier afterthought –I probably wasn’t either.  
“What’s wrong?” Zuko put down his drink.  
“It’s dumb. I was just feeling a little homesick for a second.” I shook it off and emptied the drink.   
“Do you feel like dancing?” He asked a little uncertain and I look astonished up at him.  
“Eh, do you?” I laughed.  
“No, never actually. But I thought that because you’re a girl you’d like dancing.”   
“I’m not really the dancing type. I’m more the fighting type. But you are very sweet to ask.” I smirked and Zuko breathed out a laugh.  
“Sweet? That’s a first.”   
He was just about to say something when a noble man cut in with a question about the time he had defeated the great Ozai, and what governmental stand the current firelord would see himself in. Zuko sighed and glanced at me. I just waved my hand gesturing him to ‘just go, it’s fine’.  
“Excuse me.” Zuko said curtly to me and walked off with the gentleman.  
I felt left out. But then again, I hadn’t saved the world so… I thought to take some fresh air, the warmth and stiffness of my dress was already sucking out my will to live, I didn’t need a tedious conversation to help that feeling along.  
.  
.  
.


	11. A matter of time and place

Chapter 11: A matter of time and place

The night was a light summer blue. It was that time a year where the sun never seemed to be completely gone from the sky. Faint stars twinkled and the moon was full white shadow.   
I walked alone through the garden as the servants were on tight schedules for the festivities that were in full motion somewhere behind me. I started to partially loosening the waist ties on my dresses and robes. As I sat down, I decided I wasn’t going back in there anyway, so I might as well just crawl out of the clothes. I loosed the surface layers and slid halfway out of them. Finally I could breathe! The white cotton was airy and I cooled off. It was soothing. I pulled out the ribbon ties on my top-knot too and ruffled my hair.   
That’s more like it.   
The faint sound of music from the party echoed in the palace. I leaned up against the cherry tree. I wondered if I was being rude for skipping out on the ceremony like that. Properly. A small yellow bird picked up crumbs by the roses. The nectar wine and champagne had made me dizzy and a tad sleepy. I could just take a nap here for a moment, nobody will notice, I thought and closed my eyes.

“What are you doing here Kai…? Are you okay?” Zuko asked.   
I opened my eyes and looked up.   
“I got sleepy.” I said and rubbed my eyes. “How long was I out?”  
“I don’t know. The ceremony is over.” He offered his hand so I could get up, but the dressed were loose and I had to grab them quickly for them not to slide off all at once.  
“I have to tie it. Could you…?” I twirled my finger to indicate he should turn away.  
“Oh… Yeah… Sure!” He spun round.   
“I’m sorry I just left like that. Did the Gaang go home?” I asked while I tried to figure out where everything went on the dresses. It was futile so I ended up tying the cotton robe and shrugged on the silk one. I had the leftovers in my arms.  
“Well they’re staying in the guest wing for tonight. I think they have plans to fly off to do a quick errand in the morning. By everybody else left.” Zuko said and peered over his shoulder to see if I was dressed.   
I nodded that he could turn back.  
“I’m really not royalty material.” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  
“No. But I like that.” Zuko said quietly.  
I considered that in a pause.   
“… Do you really?” I asked. His eyes gleamed in the sparse light.  
“Sure.”   
“Even though I’m stubborn and have flair for the dramatics?” I huffed.  
“I never told him that! I don’t know where Sokka got that from… Honest!” He defended.  
“Nah... I’m actually kinda glad you told them about me. Flattered even… It makes me think that you care about me – or something.” I said smugly.   
My heart was pounding.   
“I do care about you Kai. Do you… Care about me?” He asked calmly.   
I was locked in place but at the same time I wanted to smack and hug him.   
Of course! Of course I care!  
“Don’t you know the answer to that Zuko?” I laughed. “I care too much about you.” I scratched my arm and looked away.   
This was painful, but fun, but nerve-racking!   
I simultaneously wanted the moment to end immediately and keep it going forever.   
Our eyes met again and he looked hesitant.   
Say something! Anything! I thought, and just as I was about to break off the conversation with a friendly slap on the back and a cheeky wink, he spoke.   
“… Why is it too much?” He asked.   
Oh, come on take a hint dude! My mind screamed.  
“I don’t know…” I scrambled to think of the best way to phrase how I felt. There was a now or never atmosphere hanging in the air.   
“Because… I don’t only care… I’m in-“   
But I got cut off before I could finish.  
“All hands to stations! Intruders on the wall!!” I guard screamed from high above us.   
I sighed in relief and threw the garments on the grass. A spark of excitement lit inside me. I would much rather fight than having that kind of conversation with Zuko.  
I knew I was being a coward.  
“Intruders, eh? Sounds like my kind of job.” I flashed a grin, kicked off my shoes and ran off. In a flash I’d jumped up a bench and got crawling over the garden wall.  
“You know we have stairs! You could use them for once Kai!” Zuko yelled after me. He’ said something more but I didn’t catch it - I was already dashing on top of the winy rooftops with flames ready to fire in my palms.

Because I was only wearing two layers now I was very aware that I wasn’t wearing underwear. I thought about how I could fight without flashing anything, and I weighed my odds best in a ranged attack.  
“Which way is the intruder?” I asked a guard. He pointed east and I sprinted across the wall road. It wasn’t dark, but it was difficult to spot a person if they’d kept to the shadows. I ducked low and waited. If it were a bender who was attacking, especially a firebender, the intruder would give himself away fast enough. And if one of the guards spotted him first they would open fire as well.  
An orange flame lid up by the eastern gate and I smirked.  
“Gotha’.”   
As I moved closer I could see the guards being knocked out one by one. The intruder was a fast firebender who had had good training. I fired a blast from behind a cover, but he avoided it in an acrobatic jump. Woah, nice. He was a young man dressed in dark, and he was incredibly light on his feet. Lighter than Zuko. This was going to be a challenge.  
I leaped out and started fighting. Very soon it was one on one as the guards had either been knocked out cold, of run off to get re-enforcements.  
We danced around each other and every time my opponent made a move to get in a close up fight, I had to take a step back. The dress was flying about even though I made great efforts for it to stay still.   
“Listen can’t you -ugh- come back some other time? I’m not really dressed for this kind of thing right now!” I said while we kept firing back and forth.   
“DEATH TO THE FIRELORD AND ALL THE TRAITORS!!” My rival shouted in a battle cry.   
“So that’s a no huh?” I said and ducked a flame curve.   
“Kai you can’t reason with these kind of people!” Zuko yelled as he stepped up. He had taken off the formal robes and was looking furious. “Expect no mercy!” Zuko said to the whirling tornado of fiery kicks.   
I took a new stance and tried to come up close. If I could knock him down Zuko could deal the final blow. In a few swift moves I got in, but he had no openings below the waist, too goddamn fast on his feet! He fired a fire punch and my hair got singed.  
I cursed. That was going to take months to grow out.  
Zuko swooped in and got the guy on his back.   
I dived on top of the assassin and grabbed his hair and hands.  
“Thanks.” I grinned up to Zuko but he was pink in the cheeks and he had embarrassment on his face. I lifted a brow and was about to ask him what was wrong when I looked down.   
My dress had loosened during the fight and my boobs were almost completely out.   
“Argh!! Take him Zuko!! Now!” I shrieked “and DON’T look!!” I screamed unable to let go of the guy.  
“I wasn’t looking! I didn’t see anything!!” Zuko squeezed his eyes shut.  
“I meant don’t look at me!! Open your damned eyes and grab the intruder!!” I cursed.  
Zuko quickly replaced my hold on the squirming guy and I fumbled with covering up my bare chest. He was staring down at the guy and Zuko’s face was precious.   
I would have laughed if I didn’t feel the exact way myself. I had fairly small breasts but they apparently still had an effect. I smacked my forehead for thinking about that now. I was a mess. A hot red blushing and sweating mess.  
“So listen, the guards are on their way already and you got this. I’m gonna take off now.” I said as I ducked behind a column to fix my clothes.  
“Hey don’t go! You might be a traitor but I can look past that if you’re naked pretty girl!” The assassin chuckled, and I heard a smack and the guy saying ‘ouch’ as I ran away with humiliation carved in my face. I guess I really had flair for the dramatics. 

 

I was more than mortified! Not only because I flashed my boobs to a guy that I was very much in love with, but also because I’d almost confessed my ‘love’ to him! And I have to admit that I was trying to avoid Zuko for a couple of days.   
Luckily, because of my minor outburst before the ceremony, the handmaidens had stopped their pestering and I didn’t have to be naked in front of anyone except myself! Which I was more than happy with! So that was a silver lining, right?  
I was walking around in my own deep thoughts, on my way to the training hall, when I spotted Zuko. He was coming straight towards me, looking over a stack of paper, and I panicked.   
I turned around in circles trying to locate a hiding place and then whooshed behind a tall red curtain. There I waited for him to pass me by.   
“… Should I ask about why you are hiding behind the curtain or pretend I didn’t see it?” I heard Zuko ask though the fabric.   
I bit my cheek and crunched up my face in embarrassment.  
“Is there a scenario where you could just not make fun of me for doing that?” I asked and peered out through the slit in the curtain.  
“I’ don’t think so… No. That was pretty funny.” He laughed a little.   
“… Then… I was just checking if the windows had been locked. Safety first…” I shamefully stepped out.  
“Sure.” He smirked. “I was actually looking for you Kai. I have some new information about Hira’a.” Zuko said and flicked through the papers. “It turns out my mother grew up there before she married my father. She might still have some relatives left we could ask about her whereabouts. Maybe she herself has gone back.”  
“Sounds like a plan. Are Aang and the others coming too?” I asked.  
“I don’t know. I’ll send a hawk.” He muttered and turned a page.   
“So when do you want to be on the road?”  
“Yesterday. But I have some affairs to tend to first. The colonies in the Earth Kingdom are becoming a problem… The relocation plan isn’t going that smoothly.” Zuko said in a tired tone.  
“Do you wanna talk about it? I could help?” I offered.  
“No… No. I’ll handle it.”   
“Are you sure?” I was worried.   
He was looking pretty worn already and the maddening feeling of wanting to help him but not make his decisions for him, scratched the surface.  
“I’m the Firelord. I have to handle this myself.” His yellow eyes flashed annoyance.   
I could fight him on that, but it didn’t seem that proactive. If he was having a difficult time the last thing he would need was a friend lecturing him.   
I shrugged - a little offended.  
“If you say so…” I sighed. “I’m going to have tea in the garden later today.”   
“Okay.” He flicked through the papers again, not really listening to me anymore.   
I shifted my weight.   
If I wanted the awkward feeling out of my system it seemed I would have to work for it.  
“Wanna come?” I asked and tried to catch his eye, but he was preoccupied.   
I gently put my hand on the papers.  
“Kai... I can’t even find the time to read all this information.” He groaned and looked at me.  
“You were the one looking for me, remember. Well you found me, and now I’m telling you we are having tea in the garden this afternoon. We can talk about Hira’a.” I smiled.   
“I don’t know if I-“He stared to arguing but I turned around on my heel.  
“In the garden! Afternoon!” I yelled over my shoulder as I walked over to the training hall.  
It was going to be an interesting day after all. 

My training session had been a slow one. I couldn’t concentrate on the targets or the techniques, and quite frankly it was tedious sparring alone. I couldn’t meditate either. I think I was perhaps a little excited about spending some time with Zuko.   
Not that I’d admit to that.  
I was sitting under the cherry tree. Mika had set up a blanket and the tea. I’d apologized to her, but her feelings had been more than a little hurt by my rudeness. It was going to take a minute for her to forgive me for blasting fire at her butt.   
The afternoon was quiet. The palace seemed to be at peace. I pulled out the hair ribbon and studied the burnt ends. It was fine, but I would have to cut some of it off at some point – might as well do it now. I pulled out my dagger (yes I had a dagger on me – actually more time than not) and snipped off a lock of hair.   
“Oh-oh..” It had been the wrong one. I sat straighter and tried again, just a little bit this time.   
“Damn!” I breathed. It was harder than it looked to cut your own hair with a knife.  
“Do you want help with that?” I flinched and looked up. How did he keep sneaking up on me like that?! Zuko sat down next to me and picked the dagger out of my hand.  
“You shouldn’t flinch like that when you are holding a knife so close to your face.” He teased.  
“Oh shut up…” I pouted. “This isn’t the first time my hair got flambéed.”   
“No? Turn around.” Zuko said.  
“Just cut the burnt stuff. And actually, on the ship, Tenzo had to cut me.” I said.   
I was sitting with my back to him.  
“Really? Why?” The sound of hair getting sheared off singed.  
“… I kinda set myself on fire. One time.”   
I heard Zuko laugh.  
“That sound about right. Done.” He handed me the knife and I turned back.  
“Thanks, and what do you mean by that?” I huffed.  
“I just mean that if anybody was to set themselves on fire by accident - it would be you.” He chuckled and tugged at his robe. It looked heavy.   
“Hm.” I couldn’t actually argue. “I was afraid you might not turn up?” I said as I handed him a cup of steaming tea.  
“Well… It wouldn’t be honorable to stand up a lady. Speaking of which I wasn’t expecting you to bow in etiquette at the ceremony. I didn’t think you liked that sort of thing.”   
“I don’t… But I thought I might as well give the lady-thing a try. For one night at least.” I shrugged.  
“You don’t have to bow like that to me. Ever. I told Aang the same thing.”  
“It’s different. Aang is the avatar. And you guys are super close friends…” I sipped my tea.  
“I thought you and I were close friends.” He had a curious look on his face.   
I was a little taken aback.   
“We are…” My cheeks felt warm.  
“Then how is it different?” He asked. I looked away.  
“It just is…” I cut it off there. “When did you hear about Hira’a?” I changed the subject and he let me. This dance with words was getting on my own nerves.  
“Yesterday. A hawk came with the message, but the contributor was anonyms.”  
“Sounds suspicious…” I mumbled down in my cup.  
“Yes. I thought so too. But it doesn’t matter, I have to go.”  
“I understand that. Are you nervous?” I questioned and he flicked to me with uneasiness.   
“A little. I mean what if I find her and… And she doesn’t…” He stopped and touched his face.  
“All mothers are glad to see their children. No matter what.” I took his hand and held it. I wanted to kiss it or place it on my cheek, but I couldn’t. I offered a gentle smile.  
“Perhaps.” He sounded doubtful.   
“I know my if my mom-“ But I stopped dead.   
Zuko gave my hand a tiny squeeze.   
“I just realized something… It’s been a long time since I felt like fighting with you - like really screaming and fighting you.” I said grinning like a goof. “You really have turned out real nicely, and if your mom can’t see that the instant she spots you. I don’t think she had earned to right to call herself you mother. But that’s just me.” I shrugged a shoulder.  
In that moment the sun disappeared behind the horizon. The sky was painted pink and orange and the soft flowers in the garden started to close ever so slightly.   
“Kai… That means a lot.” Zuko said while looking in to his tea.  
“Yeah, yeah, you’ll make me blush.” I said in a kidding tone and took my hand back.   
“Why do always do that?” He asked seriously.  
“Do what?” I shrugged and grinned.  
“That! You always do ‘that thing’ when we’re about to talk about something... Ehm... deep! You do that thing where you just make everything a joke!” He said and his lip curled.   
“I’m not making it a joke!! I’m being genuine! I can talk about deep stuff. I just don’t get the sense that you can.” I snorted.   
“I’m not the one running away all the time.“ He lifted his brow. “I’m asking you for ‘a chat over a cup of tea.’ What were you about to say the other night?” Zuko put down the cup and challenged my gaze. I got my drink in the wrong pipe and couched.   
“What –couch- night?” I asked nonchalantly, which was hard to do as I was trying to confine the coughing to a minimum. I drained the rest of my tea in one swig. It burned my tongue.  
“You know what I’m talking about. Don’t play dumb it’s not working.” He sighed and irritation flashed in his eyes.  
He had me cornered.   
If somebody, or something, didn’t stop this conversation I was very much forced to confess.   
Might as well spill the beans, I thought.  
“… Fine!” My brown knitted together. “But you pressured me to talk. Just remember that.” I said sternly before taking a trembling breath.  
I’d promised myself a long time ago that I wasn’t going to stick my hand in the fire unless I was sure I wouldn’t get burned, and here I was, throwing my whole damned self on the flames like it was freaking kindle.  
I could feel the brutal rejection coming, the letdown in polite awkward words when he told me he ‘still wasn’t interested in pursuing whatever this was’...   
My heartbeat raised in my throat.   
“I… You… For a long time…” I ran a hand over my arm and struggled with the words. As they didn’t seemed to want to slip over my lips I decided I wasn’t going to confess my love in grand speech like some poet from the dark ages.   
Zuko was close to me. We were sitting halfway opposite each other.   
I leaned in, stopped to reconsider, then leaned a little more forward. I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do but in that moment I gave in to the pull that gravitated me to him.   
My lips touched Zuko’s lightly in a fleeting soft kiss.   
I pulled away and found the courage to look him in the eye slightly guarded.   
Zuko was staring at me.   
The moment hung there, in between us, like a big question filled with a lot of little questions.   
Do you feel the same? If you do are we going to be together? Do you want me? Can we still be friends if you don’t?   
I couldn’t make out his emotions and it terrified me.  
“You like me?” He asked very quietly.   
I felt like saying that I technically loved him, but whatever! Never mind me!   
“I’m afraid so…“ I suppressed the nervous grin bubbling up in me.  
Apparently it was Zuko’s turn to be the grinning one. He flashed a brilliant smile and I analyzed it skeptically.   
“That’s good…” He said and tilted his head. Still smiling.  
“Is it though? ‘cause I feel like you are making fun of me and you aren’t really, ya’ know, responding in a proper-“ And then there it was.  
It was incredible. He’d answered all of the little questions and one big one. And he’d done it without even uttering a word.  
Zuko pulled me to him in a strong and sudden kiss.  
I let go of the teacup and it rolled down in to the pond with a soft drop.   
Then I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him back. The wonderful blast of ecstasy flared out from my chest. I touched his hair, his neck, his jaw, squeezed my eyes closed and felt the ripples of intoxicating exhilaration.   
Zuko’s lips were like kissing a bonfire.  
He drew me closer by the waist with one hand, and gently by my neck with the other.   
We parted to catch our breath, but only just. I would’ve broken out in laughter if I hadn’t felt so dazed. My heart had skipped several beats and now it was working overtime to make up for it.  
“Sorry about the cup.” I breathed. Dizziness and dimness surrounded me, but it was the good kind. The kind that felt like I’d been doped with a huge dosage of happiness.  
“I don’t care about the stupid cup.” Zuko was sounding a little ragged himself.   
Our noses touched.   
I still couldn’t open my eyes and let the moment pass. He leaned closer to me again and kissed the corner of my mouth that pulled in a smirk. Then my cheek and right under my ear. I breathed in his warmth and sweetness as I hugged him.   
Zuko’s hand was in my hair and on my body. It tingled where he grazed my skin and I shuddered.   
I drew his kiss back to by the collar of his cape. This time our meet was less hurried. Instead the kiss was tender and deep and slow. His hand slid over my thigh.   
I wanted him, more than I’d ever wanted anything, to touch me like that allover.   
A sudden drop of cold worry dripped down to the pit of my stomach. This was something I’d been daydreaming about (all day long some pathetic days) but to actually do it, was something I hadn’t tried before. And it was with the guy I’d been pining over for literally years! Suddenly the pressure of everything going ‘just right’ weighed on me.  
I pulled back in a gasp.   
“People… They can see us.” I said out of breath and touched my lips. They were scorching hot and plump.   
I flicked my eyes to the palace wall, which was manned with guards.  
“So?” His eyes shone yellow in the dark.   
A chill ran through me. So I want to take off your clothes and do stuff to you, but I can’t do that in the middle of the royal garden at hardly nightfall! I thought.   
Besides, if this whole thing was to go well I didn’t need an audience to make my nervousness worse.  
“So… I don’t want them to …” I glances away and lifted a brow.  
“I didn’t think you were so shy.” He whispered close to me.   
“I just…” My face grew redder by the second.   
“Then let’s go somewhere where we can’t be seen.” He said and stood, pulling me up with him.   
I grinned like a goof. It was what I wanted too, but I didn’t know how to be ‘sexy’ Kai and that made me panicky on a whole other level.   
I didn’t know the dance of flirting! Heck that kiss we’d just shared had been my first ever! If you didn’t count the one on the ship that was an accident but not really…   
I bit at my fingernail as Zuko towed me along.   
How to be sexy, how to be sexy? I asked myself in a halfway anxiety attack.   
He opened a door and peeked into his office.   
It was dark and he shot a fire on to the wig of a candle by the window. Zuko sent me a cheeky smile and walked in. I giggled, yes legit giggling occurred, and we closed the door.

As soon as the lock had clicked, Zuko’s hands were on me, and mine on him. It felt so good to be close to him, to touch him, and almost all of my angst-y-ness faded. My body relaxed in his hands.   
“Better?” He teased.  
“Don’t be so smug about it.” I cuddled my face in the nook of his neck.   
He smelled incredible and exciting. I brushed his skin with my lips and Zuko breathed in my hair.   
The muscles on his chest were firm under my palms and I wanted to see.   
I tugged at his collar and undid the golden top hasp to kiss him underneath it. Zuko crooked his neck in an invite, and unclasped the heavy cape on his shoulders. It fell to the floor with a weighty ‘thud’.  
I pecked my way up to his lips again and the kiss deepened instantly.   
We melted in to it and I let him fill every thought and manipulate every nerve in my body. His grasp on me tightened.  
As Zuko pressed me back against his office desk I sat my palm down and accidently pushed over a stack of papers. They fell off and scattered dramatically on the floor.   
Neither of us took any real notice.  
“Wups.” I muttered without opening my eyes. Zuko smiled against my lips.   
His hands drifted to my butt and took a hold on me. In a strong move that shot excitement through my whole body, he eased me over the edge of the table so I could sit on it while we kissed.   
The dress I was wearing was a wrap-around and it slid open over my thighs as Zuko stood between my legs. Some documents crumbled under my butt and I hoped it was a peace declaration of some sort.   
He pulled back and plucked out the crown piece. I tried to undo his hair from its knot, but I shivered silently and lost my focus as he bit my neck.   
“Let your hair down.” I whispered against his jaw. His invisible stubbles were scratchy.   
Zuko assisted me and then continued to pull my dress down over my shoulders. His dark soft hair fell down over his eyes as the ribbon gave in. I ran my hand through the silken locks.  
I sighed as he kissed the bare skin of my collarbone.   
His hands stroked over my legs and held my thighs in his warm hands.   
So we were really doing ‘that’.   
I looked down at him because he was kissing the top of my cleavage. I flushed and bit down on my cheek. The threshold of sex was a few moments away and suddenly I didn’t know what to do anymore. All the natural lovely gooeyness of our actions dried away and I became annoyingly self-conscious.   
Dammit focus. I shook my head at myself. Think sexy! Act like you’ve done this a hundred times before! UGH! No! Don’t do that. Be timid? Nah! Don’t do what he wants, do what you want! Where should I put my hands?? Can he sense I’m freaking out?? Be cool, just be cool, and get out of your darn head Kai!!  
I pursued my breath in a slight alarm.  
Zuko glanced up at me and pulled back slowly. Hyperventilation was almost upon me. I felt like if I ‘blew it’ I would somehow ruin my chance with him forever (which I’ll tell you right now kiddies, is never the case if you’re with someone worth your time).  
The orange light flickered in his golden eyes at he studied me.   
I was stiff as a board.  
“Sorry.” He said quietly and came up to my eye-level.  
“About what?” I breathed and tugged a lock of dark hair behind his ear.   
“Am I going too fast? I have been wanting to kiss you for a long time…” He muttered and I saw how red his cheeks had become too. It was very cute and it immediately made me feel a little better.  
Zuko started redoing an undone bow on my clothes.  
“How long?” I asked curiously as I stroked my hand over the back of his neck to pull him a little closer.  
“How long have I wanted to kiss you? Eh… Since you came back… No. Before that.” He breathed as he thought it over. “… I think perhaps… Since the first time that spirit thing happened.”   
“I had no idea you felt like that while we were on the ship…” I lowered my head in a smile.   
“I’ve always felt drawn to you. Even when I shouldn’t have.” He muttered against my lips. “I mean, you drove me crazy back then. You still do.”  
“You are the one driving me crazy.” I said quietly as I kissed him.  
I pressed my body hotly against him. I wanted him to feel that I wanted him. That I wasn’t acting weird because I was rejecting him.   
“Kai. You would tell me if… Something was… Wrong? Right?” He let out a breath.  
I flicked my eyes to the floor and back to him.   
I my head, when it came to being intimate, the act should just ‘flow casually’. All this doubt and stopping to talk about it wasn’t very exciting to me.  
“I’m just… I… It’s complicated. I’m thinking too much, you know.” I let my head fall back and sighed frustrated at my own sabotage. “But I really like you.” I groaned at the ceiling.   
“Hmm… You’ve always been a little neurotic.” He teased gently.  
Zuko touched my jaw and followed the line down my neck to my collarbone with his soft fingertips. It reminded me of the training hall incident where we’d played each other. In hindsight the chemistry had been quite obvious.   
I snickered and ducked my head at the tickle.  
“Jeez, calling me neurotic isn’t that helpful if you’re trying to get in my pants.” I smirked at him.  
“You’re not wearing pants.” He leaned on me with his leg.   
He was right. I wasn’t wearing much at all right there. My hips moved to the edge of the table. All the hesitations in my head started to muffle and subside.   
Very soon it was only one thought that stood out clearly.  
“Stop me if I go too far.” He whispered in my ear.  
Zuko ran his fingers along my skin under my skirt. My body itch to feel him everywhere.   
I twirled his hair around my fingers and I knew that he couldn’t go too far, not now when the fire burned inside me. I opened my leg wider and we kissed in a hungry way.  
Zuko’s hand wandered to the inside of my thighs. I clutched his clothes.  
A loud rattling noise cut through the room and I made both of us jump.   
We looked at each other and then at the doorknob to the office, which was skipping up and down.  
“My lord, are you there? The meeting with the Earth King is in two minutes?” The strained voice of a man called.   
Zuko turned his eyes to the ceiling and dropped against my shoulder.   
The dark hair tickled me and I held his head. He muttered a curse on my skin and I couldn’t help but to smirk at that. It was immensely sexy when he spoke foully.   
“Listen… I have to work most of the night. The peace-meeting with the Earth King is one I can’t blow off… But if you’re okay with it, you could sleep in my room. I’ll be there straight after the meeting…” He sounded coarse and husky.   
I lifted his face to me and kissed it.   
“Alright.” I shrugged a little tentatively. “But… Won’t it be strange to have me waiting in your room?” I made a face. Sitting around on his bed kinda made me feel a little… Concubine-ish.   
“You don’t have to… I could come to you instead?”  
“I don’t exactly mind.” Feeling a little Concubine-ish in this particular situation was a bit hot, to be honest. Zuko laughed under his breath.  
“Firelord Zuko?” An unsure knock sounded.  
“I’ll be there shortly.” Zuko responded a little louder over his shoulder.  
With that our embrace broke and Zuko took a step back and started to gather his hair back in a messy bun. I corrected my clothes and slid off the table.   
“Wait, you have a paper stuck to your butt.” Zuko chuckled and peeled an official-looking document off me.   
“Sorry about that.” I snickered in to my hands.  
“No it’s fine, I’m actually going to need this at the meeting. So thanks, you just spared me the trouble of looking for it.” He skimmed it with a light expression. “I have to admit that the ‘commandment in separable elevation of tax law’ is a lot more interesting to me now.” He smirked and put the paper down on a tea table.   
I blushed in a smile and tightened my dress.   
Zuko was fastening his cape and put the crown back in place but he looked a little tousled.   
“I’ll leave the clean up to you.” I said and corrected his crocked crown and flipped his collar the right way up. “And… See you later.” I added with a mischievous expression.  
Zuko’s eyes trailed me all the way to the door and it felt so good to be this noticed.   
.  
.  
.


	12. Behind closed doors

Chapter 12: Behind closed doors 

Instead of having dinner in the fancy banquet hall with ten servants dancing around, I’d asked for a simple tray on the terrace of my chambers. Here I had the luxury of privacy and a great view. I dinned alone since Zuko had to guide the world with diplomatic maneuvers through a post-war era. I truly didn’t complain about that because someone had to, and he was the guy for the job.   
Besides, my head during dinner were filled to the brim with zesty thoughts about what we were going to be doing later on. Making out in his office had been so ‘steamy’ that I worried it showed leeringly on my face when I thought about it.   
His office, I pondered and sipped my tea. He had a real job. And it wasn’t like he had anyone to just blindly take charge once in a while. It set my freak-out about the pressures of smooching in perspective.   
Although, come to think of it, Zuko wasn’t doing the whole ‘leading a nation’ thing completely alone. He had Iroh and the Gaang to lean on, it was just a matter of him of delegating, and eventually he would share the obligation with the queen.  
I couched down in my drink. That’s right.   
Though I kept forgetting, Zuko was real royalty and he was eventually expected to marry some high-born girl to be the queen.   
Mai was the daughter of a lesser lord, no??   
And that same girl was then expected to make Fire Nation prince and princesses!! The blood-line would have to prevail! TO SAVE THE REIGN!!   
Freaking out about the sexy-times had been a little, well, silly in the end, but freaking out about possibly becoming a monarch down the line was JUSTIFIED!   
Slowly, I put my drink down and stared horrified at it. I felt cold allover, as if my jasmine tea had just proposed to me.  
I couldn’t take responsibility of being the nations better half! I wasn’t even that good ‘a half’ to begin with! And if we go married, then I would have to live in a palace for the rest of my life making babies and arranging boring ceremonies and banquets! No way!   
I clinched a hand to my chest.  
“Slow down…” I muttered to myself. “We’re not even together yet Kai!” I panted.   
I could imagine my whole future there: Family and chores and royal duties. Tight robes, pulled back hairdos and thick powder that makes you cough. Never having time to train or discover the world, but being locked in this fancy cage filled with hundreds of Mikas hustling me around with rulebooks on etiquette!  
“Oh… No… No, no, no, no.” I breathed but the air got locked in my throat. I couldn’t do that!   
I had to talk to Zuko before sleeping with him. I had to know where this was going before doing anything serious.   
Did he love me? Were we were going to be a couple? Could he promise me that I would never be stuck here lingering in the shadows of his job?   
But I couldn’t just blurt it out like that -it was waaay too early to ask for that kind of answers. However, we had known each other for a long time, and if he had wanted to kiss me even back on the ship then maybe I could talk to him about this without it feeling too rushed.   
And wasn’t it what I wanted from the start too? Him?   
“Yeah… I hadn’t thought it through.” I whispered and pulled my hair over my eyes.   
Getting Zuko meant getting a life I would hate more than anything; but not getting Zuko meant being just as unhappy, and loosing the only thing that I connected to in this world... Not only a hell of a kisser that, in fact, I loved. I would be loosing my best and only close friend I had here.  
I lifted my fingers to my lips and closed my eyes.   
I could still feel his lips on me. That kiss had been the clearest sensation my body had ever experienced. It had been an implosion of emotion and the echo still made me feel full of happiness.   
“Maybe we don’t have to think about that right now…” I asked myself in a mutter.  
It’s true what they say. Love had no logic… And passion… Even less so. 

It had taken me a long time to get ready for bed. I kept having second thoughts about going to his room. I was ruthlessly torn between want and need in an obsessive fashion. I wanted to do wicked and adult stuff, but a really big part of me needed to know that I wouldn’t be trapped if it were leading to a deeper connection.   
Maybe I’d always been a little neurotic like Zuko had said.   
I hesitantly wandered toward Zuko’s champers in the sparsely lid halls.   
It was late and most of the palace was sleeping soundly in their beds.  
My night-robes felt constricting and uncomfortable. I ruffled my hair in frustration. Why couldn’t I just go with the flow of the moment and free-fall blissfully in to what was happening?   
“Arg!! Kai get a grip!!” I said to myself thought gritted teeth as I paced the hallway.   
Just as I was talking to myself a servant was starting to walk by.   
The young man eyed me cautiously before spinning stiffly around and hurrying in the direction from where he’d come –guess he could see I needed a private moment.   
Speaking of private, I thought. The kissing replayed behind my eyelids and it made my pulse rise. This was going to be great.  
I neared the guards stationed in front of Zuko’s room, and stopped to consider if I should say something before I went in. They seemed to glance at me with some curiosity.  
“I left my jacket in there earlier. After a training session.” I said a little too sternly.   
I’m pretty sure they knew that was a lie but non of the guards dared interrogate me.   
Quickly I slipped in and shut the door behind me.   
Damn guards. By morning everybody would be talking. I didn’t know why that bothered me so much, but I felt like the right to solitude was out the window when you lived in a palace.   
I growled but then looked up.  
Zuko’s bedroom was like the first time I had been in it. The balcony door had been cracked open to get some cool night air in and a few lanterns were burning here and there as a homey touch.   
I called out Zuko’s name, but I could tell he wasn’t there.   
As I wandered over to his dresser, curiosity urged me to snoop. I opened the top drawer and peeked inside. It was just normal everyday objects like a comb and a razor, but knowing it was his and having the picture of Zuko shaving with his kit, made it all feel extremely intimate.   
I shut it again and shook my head.  
The ivory and jade pens still stood on the desk and an oil lamp burned on the nightstand by his red and white silken sheets. There were books and scrolls stacked besides his bed.  
I walked over, sat on the madras and picked up the book on top of the pile. It was a collection of ancient stories from the sun people. I flipped though it and studied the pictures of dragons and temples. I wondered if Zuko even had time to read.   
This is a pretty neat-looking book I thought and put it on the bed as I undressed. I didn’t feel right about being completely naked in his sheets so I kept a soft cotton dress on as I tugged myself under the light blankets. They where completely fresh but they smelled like him.   
I picked up the book and started reading. Vivid legends of great sun warriors played out on the pages and made me forget where I was. It was a welcome distraction from my doubts and inner turmoil, so much so that in fact that I dozed off with out noticing it.

I felt someone slip into bed and it woke me. Zuko carefully took the book out of my hand.   
“Is it late?” I mumbled, turned around and nuzzled up against him.   
“Almost morning.” He answered in a whisper and kissed my forehead. I touched his face and kissed him on the lips. We deepened it slowly and he stroked my hair.   
I pulled back.  
“You should nap Mr. firelord.” I said gently with my eyes closed.   
“I can’t, I have to go back. I just wanted to steal a kiss.”  
“Well I’ll consider that sweet instead of creepy.” I joked, still sleepy. “Giving I was unconscious after all. By the way did you do that after the explosion too?” I opened one eye in a smirk.   
“What? Kiss you when you were in minor comatose?” Zuko shook his head and made a move to leave. “I have some honor.” He was too weary to joke around.   
“… You need sleep Zuko.” I said seriously and tugged in his sleeve.   
He really did, and I also selfishly wanted him in prime condition to fool around and then talk about our relationship.   
“Kai. I would like to sleep but I don’t have the time.” He said a little snappy.   
I let go.   
Who didn’t have time for sleep?! He was hanging on by a thread, and I could see he was falling apart. This was most likely the second night he hadn’t slept. I was wide-awake now, and concerned, but pushing him wouldn’t help. And bringing up any complex questions just seemed cruel.   
“Just stay a little longer then?” I said and got up on one elbow.   
He was about to protest.   
I let the dress fall off my shoulders and I wasn’t wearing anything under it.   
He rested back in to the bed and kissed me on my neck. I stroked my hands over his shoulders. Zuko glided his tongue over me and past my collarbone. It made me sigh.   
“You are a bad influence on me.” He mumbled on my skin.   
“Ah, you’re the one who makes me like this. You’re the influence.” I got twisted in his clothes under the covers as he pulled me closer. The metal buttons on his cape were icy on my hot skin.   
“I don’t think so. I think you were always like this.” Zuko said once he was back in my hair.   
I playfully shook my head.   
His hands drifted slowly over my legs and in between them.   
“Maybe I am a little to blame.” He said as his finger touched me.   
I gasped and grabbed his cape.   
Then it knocked on the door.  
“My Lord. The counsel are waiting for you in the throne room.” A voice just outside the door said.   
I clamped a hand over my mouth. I was expecting Zuko to stop, and go do whatever needed him, but he slithered a finger over my tense spot.   
I whimpered silently.  
“Tell them to wait.” Zuko said in a strict tone.  
“But my Lord the Earth king is demanding to speak with you, and he is quite upset.” The messenger said and Zuko continued to slip and slide over me. He looked sinister as he studied me with his gold eyes. I bit down on my lip and held my breath.   
“The avatar is trying to calm him down but his majesty is being very unreasonable.” We ignored the messenger. Zuko’s fingers were clever and slow.   
I grasped his wrist to stop him - he had to go take care of whatever real problem that seemed to exist. Zuko kept going. It felt so good.   
“Should I stop?” He whispered deeply in my ear, and I wasn’t sure if he was teasing me or being sincere, either way I couldn’t answer him with words for the world. Desire washed over me and I loosened my grip. I was breathing heavily and staying as quietly as possible.   
“My Lord?” The messenger knocked on the door again.   
I felt my heart skip a beat.  
Don’t come in, don’t come in, don’t, please not yet! I screamed at the servant in my head and choked a moan.  
“My Lord will you attend?” The messenger urged.  
I squeezed my eyes shut. It knocked again, this time very hurried. Zuko’s was staying quiet but I felt his eyes burn on me.   
I couldn’t hold back. I couldn’t hide every little reaction, my face that I had no control over or my shudders. He could see everything. My body tightened, every nerve wound itself up, got scolding hot and then relaxed. I let out a sudden breath and Zuko kissed me before the rush ended.   
His fingers lingered and as I returned to my more normal mental state our eyes met.   
He was breathing deeply and controlled. I wondered in that moment if it would have been the same if we’d done this on the ship. The thought made me suck in my bottom lip in a wicked way.  
“My Lord I beg of you!!” The door handle rattled.  
“Fine! Go away! I’ll be right there.” Zuko yelled to the messenger in a very unkind tone.   
I didn’t care that much about the poor servants feelings in that moment.   
“I’m sorry.” He breathed quietly on to my neck and then kissed it.   
“For doing that to me or for leaving?” I asked a little breathless.   
“The latter I am very sorry about.” He said plainly.  
I was warm jelly and honey in his sheets as Zuko closed the door behind him.   
The feeling of his touch stayed between my legs. I hadn’t thought he could make me feel like that. And so quickly! Nobody (including myself) had achieved his level of success. I buried my heated face in a pillow and relived what just happened.   
“He is gonna be the death of me!” I mumbled first seriously and then I couldn’t help but to break into a huge dorky grin. 

A long satisfying nap later I rolled out of bed and stretched. It was early morning and I was right as rain. I was still blushing on and off as I thought about Zuko.   
I pulled on my clothes and fastened my shoes at my waist sash.   
I would crawl out from the balcony so wooden getas were useless. Speaking of which I had lost my black gata shoes in the explosion way back when, but I had found a woodworker on my travels that was willing to guide me through making my own.   
He had thought I was crazy for wanting so strange and impractical shoes, and he had been a little right of course.   
What can I say? I had a very strong bond with traditional footwear.  
I wrote a note to Zuko and put it in the sun warrior book, sticking up over the edge. It just said; read this chapter and then go to sleep. And then I drew a heart. I regretted the heart immediately after I’d jumped over the balcony and landed on the roof.  
I cursed. No helping that now I guess I thought and slid down the green smooth tiles to a lower level. The view never seemed to stop amaze me. The ocean looked like it was on fire in the early sun and the tropical birds sang to greet the morning.  
I spotted Sokka and Appa in the courtyard. Sokka was trying too feed the sky-bison without getting licked, but he was unsuccessful and I let out a snicker.   
“Why don’t you use the stairs?” Aang asked from behind me.   
I got so startled that I almost fell off the narrow spine of the roof.   
“Woah! You scared me!” I said in a tight tone. I didn’t like to be crept up on like that.  
“Sorry. Hehe, I just saw somebody on the roof and I wanted to make sure everything was, you know, normal.” He grinned and scratched his head.  
“It’s normal. I don’t like to walk around in the palace. Too many people having an eye on me.” I shrugged and the wind picked up from the south and a gush almost pushed me off. I had to concentrate to keep my balance. Aang didn’t of course. He was light as air.   
“So, how are you?” I small talked, and it seemed rather misplaced on the top of a roof of the royal palace. Aang glanced over the ocean.  
“I’m good. I mean things are a little more complicated than I thought they would be with this whole relocating of the colonies thing. And I’m a little worried about Zuko.” He sent me a look.  
“Yeah… I’m a little worried too. He needs to take a break or something, but he’s doing a good job right? I mean no war yet.” I laughed.  
“Actually…” Aang looked guilty “he is kinda starting a new war right now…”   
“WHAT!?” I slipped on the tile and off the roof. Aang swooshed down and grabbed me before I hit the ground.   
“Thanks,” I said as he put me down “but let me repeat; WHAT!?” 

We, Aang and me, were sitting by a fountain in the courtyard and I was shocked.  
“So you’re saying that Zuko wants another war? And he doesn’t want the relocation of Fire Nation people to go through because he’ll lose power and land?” I asked.   
I knew Zuko’s real reasons, for not wanting to relocate his people, however I had to agree with Aang. It was easy to make snap assumptions about the son of a bloodcurdling dictator from an outside perspective. The apple and the tree, and all that…  
“That is what it is guessed to be …” Aang said worried and fumbled with his glider.  
“We just have to trust that he’s doing the right thing Aang. I know he is.” I said not sounding entirely sure and being guilty for it.   
“He is definitely making some choices that could be pretty bad if it isn’t. There cannot be another war.” Aang drew his brows and hugged his glider closer.  
“… I don’t get it... I thought he would handle this differently.” I said quietly and pulled my legs up under my chin.   
Was he still consulting with Ozai despite me being here?   
Despite me explicitly warning him not to?   
It sucked that I had no real impact on his choices. But then again, destiny or whatever perhaps would have it that Zuko had to go through this no matter what.   
The whole thing did end up resulting in Republic City…   
“I believe his reasons aren’t bad ones.” I said and meant it.  
“I want to believe that too, but I talked to the others and Katara has a point. He has struggled with doing the right thing before.” Aang sounded unsure of himself.  
“But he’s changed. Zuko is not cruel. He never really was and I know he wants to create a world of peace and fairness.” I said sternly, felling like Zuko’s lawyer or something like that.   
“Maybe you could talk to him? Convince him of going through with the relocation and prevent the confict with the Earth Kingdome? I’ve tried but it didn’t end well.” Aang said and looked upset.  
“You know he’s stubborn and he wouldn’t resist the plan of the avatar unless he believed that there was a better way.” Therefore my client is not in the wrong here! Even though I am more or less blindly backing the guy who I happen to like romantically and whose sheets I was just lying in a second ago, I thought with a touch of resentment.   
“If you don’t convince him… I would have to do something I promised him a long time ago… And none of us wants that.” Aang was avoiding my eyes.   
I knew what he was referring to, the promise, and ice was struck in my stomach.   
Aang would have to prevent a war and keep balance between the four nations, at all costs.   
Even if it meant retiring the firelord prematurely and permanently.   
A fury blazed up in me, it circled in my hands and sparked flames.  
“You can’t do that.” I stood and gave Aang a mean glare.  
“I don’t want to do it, but I would have to! He made me promise, and I cannot allow history to repeat itself.” Aang skipped to his feet too with a tense face.  
“Killing is never the answer. I thought you of all people would understand that Aang. I’ll talk to him and get this sorted out. But if you rise against him, I will rise against you.” I said and turned on my heel. Great, make the avatar your enemy Kai, brilliant idea - cue slow clap.   
With tightly knitted brows I strode inside the palace.   
This was not what I wanted to spend my day doing.

I marched towards the throne room. The anger rushed in my body.   
How could Zuko have kept me in the dark about his visits to jail-time-dad like that? I was so sure that I had made him listen and that Zuko had found some new and creative way to deal with this whole mess! But, tadaa, of course not! Again, I was the only goddamn butterfly who didn’t have an effect, AT ALL. It pissed me off. Aang pissed me off. Zuko pissed me off.  
And most of all, I pissed myself off because I had been naïve enough to think that everything was super-duper-dandy, just because Zuko had told me that he had it covered. I’d dropped the ball.  
“Zuko?” I called. He was standing and looking at the throne with his back to me.  
“Kai?” A faint smirk played in his face.   
I eased up a little bit.   
The atmosphere he’d left me with in the bedroom made no sense in context with my anger.   
“I just heard you are starting a war?” I crossed my arms and looked more concerned than mad. He narrowed his eyes and it made him look like he once did.   
A doubt flowed through me.  
“I’m not starting a war. I’m protection my people.”  
“I really hope you know what you are doing, ‘cause I’ve got one avatar out back, ready to take you out if you are about to go over to the dark side.” I narrowed my eyes too and Zuko looked stunned.  
A tense break stood between us.  
“… Kai… I’m sure.” He said and looked even more exhausted than before.   
I walked over to him and dropped the attitude entirely. It wasn’t making my point any clearer.   
"I trust you. I'm just…" I sighed, really hurt that you ignored my advice. "I'm just letting you know that I'll stand beside you in the fight, if it comes to that. All you have to do is include me." I held his hand but he stiffened.  
I knew there was something he was holding back.   
“I know...” He softened up, leaned towards me and nuzzled in to my ear. I felt my knees got wobbly and I let him hold me. I floated away with the closeness, but then snapped my head up. Was he manipulating me to change the subject with sexy stuff? Cunning bastard.   
“I thought you were busy.” I said a little sarcastically.  
“I am busy.” He whispered and held me tighter by the small of my back. Zuko slowly backed me up against a column and stroked his hands down my waist. My body anticipated his touch and I arched my back to come even closer.   
He smelled warm and sweet, and a lock of his dark hair tickled my cheek.   
To his defense - if he really was manipulating me, I was letting him.   
We kissed and the heat made me feel like a ray of sunshine from the inside-out.   
I cursed at my own weakness in my head.   
Zuko roughly grasped my hips.  
With effort I put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back.  
“If you have the time, you should sleep Zuko.” I said hazed by this intense contact.   
He instantly let go of me and stepped back. I almost tripped forward.   
I felt hurt about that, but it flared to anger in a split second.  
“You’re right. I don’t have the time.” He said bitterly and walked away in long hard steps, the cape whirling in the wind. It took me a moment to find my voice.   
“Well I don’t either mister arrogant!! You started it!!” I yelled after him and shook off my blush. 

I stomped out the throne room and slammed the door with a forceful kick. I overdid it. Even the guards couldn’t help but to flinch as the wall trembled.   
I couldn’t believe it.   
That Zuko would just be rude like that to me! He was such a freaking moron! An egotistical child, a spoiled Prince and a stubborn boy!   
The sun was high and shone through the red glass of the training room, making everything match my flaming mood perfectly.   
I punched the training dummy with a flame. Launching pieces of burning splinters that buried themselves in the wall. That he would just turn his back to me like that! He didn’t have the right! I flipped a kick and the dummy vibrated from the force. Like he didn’t have time for me because I was some stupid girl so desperate to see him! Like I was wasting his precious time on sex games!   
“AAAGH! THAT JERK!” I yelled and sent a powerful wave of fire towards the dummy - it almost instantly combusted into charcoal.   
I was standing in my stance, panting and covered in sweat from hours of training and screaming. I had bound in my chest and was only wearing that and low pants.   
“I’m guessing this is a good time?” Sokka knocked on the doorframe.   
I whipped around and shot him a glare that could have reduced anybody to ashes.   
“Ooor maybe not…” He froze with wide eyes.   
I softened a fraction.  
“I thought you were Zuko.” I said, a little self-conscious about my skimpy outfit. I poured some cold tea down the hatch and wiping my mouth testily with the back of my hand.  
“Honestly I’m glad that I’m not him.” Sokka laughed nervously. “I actually just wanted to ask you-“ I interrupted him.  
“Hey Sokka, I hear you trained under the same swords master as Zuko.” Irritation flashed in my eyes. I was going to show mister arrogant, that I wasn’t a pining love puppy.  
“Ehm… Yeah… Yup.” He answered unsure of himself.  
“Are you better than Zuko?” I knew he wasn’t, but I wanted to see what Sokka would say.  
“No… I mean we have very different techniques. I’m more of a swoosh-pow man, and he’s more of a slice-slash kinda guy. You know?” Sokka illustrated the moves with his hands.  
“Can you teach me?” I asked, placed a hand on my hip and flipped my hair over the shoulder. I knew I looked good. He stared at me and considered that.  
“I could..? Doesn’t Zuko want to teach you?” He fidgeted with his fingers while he spoke.  
“No. He’s too scared to fight me.” I smirked.   
“Reeaally?” Sokka asked in a grin but then dropped it as he caught my eyes. “Wait. Really?” He asked again, concerned.  
I breathed out a wicked laugh.   
“Do you wanna try now?” I rolled my shoulders.  
“Okay, Yeah, I got time.” Sokka walked in and looked over his shoulder a little anxious as he did. I grabbed a couple of thin twin swords in one hand and tossed Sokka a long sword. He snatched it in the air, I couldn’t help but to pull a face of admiration, but he fumbled with it immediately and almost dropped it. Now I was a little anxious.  
“Alright, so the first thing you have to remember is to hold on the end that isn’t sharp, so that you don’t cut your hand.” He said and I lifted my brows in a ‘dah’ expression.   
“Ehm... We got that right… The next most important thing is to use force and intuition. I mean you might not get it right away and so don’t worry if you cant take me.” Sokka grinned. “Try to attack me.” He said hoisting the sword.   
“Ready?” I asked and he nodded. I dashed over the mat and struck his blade on both sides, tipped it and twisted it out of his hand. The long sword zoomed out of the window - which shattered in a billion red pieces.   
A shriek sounded from the outside.   
We stared in horror at each other and then ran over to see what had happened; a servant woman was frozen in place having the sword penetrating a basket of apples she was carrying. Sokka sunk down under the windowsill and I just gaped at him. Luckily the woman seemed fine – just a little stunned. Maybe a lot stunned.   
“I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE READY?!” I yelled and ripped the curtains to a close.  
“I was! I just wasn’t ready for you to do that!” Sokka jumped to his feet and dusted himself off.  
“Fine. Lets try it again then!” I growled and walked on to the mat again.  
“What? I don’t think that’s s good idea!” He held his hands up in a defensive move. “I think you should ask Zuko to do that.”   
I sighed and the misplaced anger ebbed out of me.   
“What can I do for you Sokka?” I asked and I couldn’t help but to sound a little disappointed.  
“Actually I came looking for you, because I was wondering if you had seen something in my future…” He flicked his eyes to me.  
“Alright..? Anything specific?” I was cooling down and fastened the swords in my belt.  
“Well you know how me and Suki are a thing right?” He asked.  
“Yes I do.” I was getting interested.  
“And I was wondering… Do you see anything about… Yue?” Sokka sounded unlike himself. Thinking, serious and coarse. I placed a hand on his shoulder.  
“Sokka… I know you cared for her… But she’s-“ I offered my insight but stopped myself. He already knew where she was and there were no idea in reminding him that Yue was lost.  
“Yeah. I was just, you know, curious.”  
“Mm. But maybe it’s like the space sword, at this moment a force is pushing you towards each other and eventually you’ll meet. It could be that you would get the chance of visiting her in the spirit world sometime.” I smiled gently. “But were you really just curious?” I asked.  
He pushed his lips.  
“It’s been so long since me and Suki hanged out... I don’t know. I look up at Yue and I miss her. A lot. I would like to know if we’d meet again, even after all this time.” He sighed, and seemed to shake off the emotions. I didn’t know what to say. I could relate.  
“Well I’ll better get on with it, Aang and Katara are meeting with Zuko but I guess they are done soon…”  
“I hope so too! I have a lot of ‘ignoring him’ and ‘pretending he doesn’t exist’ to do.” I said in a snort and crossed my arms.   
“Honestly, what’s with the anger and swords? Are you guys fighting? I mean you two are completely identical, what would you yell at each other for?” He whirled his arms around while he spoke. Completely identical?  
“It’s stupid.” I shrugged. “Zuko is just being a pain.”  
“Uuuuh secret, okay-okay I understand.” He grinned and wriggled his brows in a smug smile – why did people always do that around me, and then Sokka was on his way.  
.  
.  
.


	13. When you’re playing with fire and swords

Chapter 13: When you’re playing with fire and swords

I read from the letters Katara sent me, and hear through the general royalist grapevine, that the Firelord had been spending his days in a Fire Nation colony of Yu Dao. And that he had marched over the Earth Kingdom border with ten thousand men, declaring war by default. I’d also heard that Aang had prevented this potential apocalyptic battle and spared Zuko’s life in a great showdown between the Earth Kingdome troops and the Fire Nation army. It had been a spectrum to behold, a clash of the titans if you will, that had eventually ended in restoring world-harmony and accepting new flourishing cultures in a complex world.   
However. No little note from ‘The Honored Leader’ himself. For three freaking weeks!  
Then, I got a teeny-tiny message with a hawk that said; Back soon. Helping Iroh at the Dragon.   
Six words and nothing else.   
There was no ‘love and kisses from yours truly’. No ‘I miss you and I think about you’. No ‘I’m sorry for leaving without a word and then not even writing to you because I’m a huge moron who can’t express myself or embrace people in my life´!!   
Zuko had stayed with Iroh in Ba Sing Se for another week.   
I was perhaps a wee-bit frustrated with him. Yeah okay, I’ll level with you here, I was fudge-ing fuming with white-hot rage the entire time. Zuko had goddamn left me again. Just like the time where I was blown up on a ship and then blown off by the guy I was in love with.   
He’d hurt me so deeply that I’d literally had to wander the world looking for meaning again like some rootless pilgrim. And then, in the end, I hadn’t been able to help myself and sought him out again… Only to get burned a second time. Fool on me.  
As a defense mechanism I had tried to bury my feelings for him, or at least tugged them under the floorboards. Because though I knew we had a different connection now, and though his motives for vanishing this time had been of the nobler sort, I now also understood that I was already so in love that I couldn’t just pack a bag and leave.   
That truly terrified me.  
The worry, hurt and rage all morphed into insomnia. I was driving myself nuts all through the nights, wondering if he was okay and hoping he was coming home soon because I missed him so much that it physically pained me.   
Of course when Zuko finally did strode back through the red gates, I was childishly ignoring him. My pride (not to mention self-respect) had taken a few beatings lately and running towards him in the hall with open arms was too much to ask of it.

It was early light and I was marching to the training hall. I had been spending an impressive amount of time there to get my aggravations out. I couldn’t meditate for the life of me, but I could darn well make sure that training dummies were being replaced once a day.   
I slammed open the set of double doors but stopped in my tracks before I’d stepped on to the bamboo mat. Zuko was sitting and sipping tea by the stain-glass window.   
I debated whether or not I should storm out, but decided against it since I didn’t want him to think I was cowering or something.   
Quickly I strode past Zuko without giving him any notice. I could feel him observing me casually as I tightened my top-knot and started stretching.   
“You asked me once about my dueling swords. Do you still want me to show you some things?” Zuko asked.   
“No thank you. I recall you saying I was too reckless to play with swords.” I said and popped my knuckles. I wasn’t sure he knew how angry I was with him, but surely he couldn’t be so dense as to think this was the way I normally behaved after canoodling with a guy.  
“That was a long time ago. Are you sure you don’t want a lesson? Because I heard that you’ve tried to ask Sokka to teach you.”  
“Well Sokka should’ve kept his mouth shut.” I cracked my neck too. A foul habit really. “In fact I don’t need any tutors at all. I’ve had plenty of time to practice on my own lately.” I said in a bite.   
“Impressive. Care for a fight?” He tried to meet my eyes, but I was fixating on a very important spot on the celling as I rolled my shoulders.   
“I might be a little above your level though… I’ll hold back.” Zuko said, sincerely trying to be nice. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect on me.   
“A little above my level?” I hissed and seized a pair of twin blades from the weapon.   
Zuko put down his tea and unbuttoned his cape but before he was ready I’d leaped in the air and dived right at him with a sword in each hand.   
He jumped back in surprise. I sliced left then right, backing him up against a wooden training beam. Zuko dropped to the floor and rolled under it. I flew over. As he was free of the beam I swung my swords down on the ground, missing his topknot by a mere inch.   
Zuko got up and snatched a pair of dueling swords that were hung on the wall for display. He spun and managed to block my next blow.  
“Hey! That wasn’t fair!” He said accusingly.   
“No? Life is cruel that way I suppose.” Our blades grinded against each other.   
I slithered free and stepped back.   
He looked stunned for a moment.  
“Come on. Attack me! And don’t you dare hold back!” I yelled and pointed a blade at him.  
He gave me a doubtful glance. But then he straightened and came at me.   
With amazing speed Zuko carved the air in front of me. I cursed and I tried to jump backwards but he had read my move and was ready to take me on where I’d land. It was too late to change direction so I fell directly in to his line of attack. His sword ran along my cheek.   
Alarmed I staggered back as I felt the sting and blood that trickled from my cheekbone.   
With fire flaring from my hands I threw down the swords in fury.   
Zuko dropped his weapons too, and darted to me.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you. I thought you’d block me. Let me see.” He lifted my jaw to gently examine the damage he’d done. I was shaking with rage and slapped his hand away.   
“Why? Because you didn’t mean to hurt me? Just leave me alone Zuko.” Hot angry tears sprung from my eyes and I shoved him out of my way.   
In the end, I had ended up storming out after all.

Later that evening I was walking down the corridor on my way to bed from a far away corner of the palace. I’d been in hiding all day. It was almost midnight and I was grieving the loss of my beloved training hall. If Zuko was in there, it was now a dead place to me.   
The air was filled with the last of summer’s warmth and the night was unnaturally silent since there wasn’t much cicada song. Perhaps the insects had sensed the bad juju that vibrated off my foul mood and where holding their breath to not aggravate it further.  
Zuko’s office door was open and light spilled softly out in the hallway. I had rather hoped that he’d turned in already, but there was no way I was about to dagger-climb three massive structures in effort to avoid him. I decided I wasn’t like that… Anymore.   
“Oh Kai. I need to talk to you.” Zuko said as he spotted me walking by.  
When I’d ignored him I heard him jog after me instead. Soon enough he’d gotten a hold on my arm, a little too casually if you ask me. I twisted out of his grip and kicked the legs away from under him in a quick move.   
“Sorry. I didn’t see you there.” I said coldly and glared down at him.  
“Ouch, what was that for?!” He growled as he stood and rubbed his lower back.  
I felt my rage ripe for its explosion.  
“How about leaving me high and dry? Or perhaps just for marching ten freaking thousand men into the Earth Kingdome without even consulting me? Without even telling me?! I could have prevented the whole misunderstanding with one freaking word!!” I narrowed my eyes. “By the way I’m glad to see you’re still alive.” I snorted in a humorless laugh.  
“I… I sent a note…?” He was struggling with his words.  
“You sure did. Never mind. I guess we had fun. So long!” I waved my hand at him like it was nothing, but inside my heart was in agony. I wanted revenge for that.  
“Kai, please... I had to leave and I… I didn’t know how to tell you what was going on. I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing.” Zuko said and pinched the brim of his nose. He had truly been under a lot of pressure, I knew that, but if he’d leaned on me I could’ve take some of that load.   
“It’s fine. Maybe even a good thing that you zoned me out for a month. It has given me some real time to think. Let’s go back to being friends. And nothing more.” I smiled with tight lips. It hurt.   
Zuko was quiet.  
“Do you want that?” He tested.   
“Yeah. Being friends, it’s simpler.” I shrugged but I felt heart bleed right into my stomach.   
Stupid emotions! Don’t think about them! He’s just a boy. Don’t let yourself be this upset over a boy Kai. My mind tried to talk some sense into me.   
“I thought you had feelings for me...” He took a step towards me and ran a hand over the back of his neck.   
“… It was just a silly crush. It’s gone now.” I kept my cold eyes in his.   
“Do you really feel that way?” He asked and took another step towards me.   
I nodded and was about to say that I did, when he touched my cheek right below the cut. Zuko lightly directed my lips to his in a persuasive kiss.   
For a second I’d pushed against his shoulders to refuse him. A part of me wanted to shove him back so hard that he’d never dare touch me again. But the intoxicating closeness filled with his spice was triggering another part of me. The dumb and impractical and longing part.   
Soon my anger and hate started to dissolve and we sunk in to each other. Slowly and mindlessly. I’d missed everything about him, but this was definitely at the top of my list.   
Zuko broke the kiss.   
He burned right through me with his gleaming amber eyes that were the only thing standing out in the dark hallway.  
“… Why are you lying?” He whispered roughly.  
Because I hate you, because you are breaking my heart, because I don’t know how to be with you or if I even want to be with you, and I don’t know how you feel. You leave me to guess what is going on and expect me to just be there when you come back. I’m scared and I love you. My mind screamed, but the thoughts were mushed into each other and I couldn’t pick just one.  
“You make me feel stupid.” I said and looked away. “I don’t want to have feelings for you. It’s complicated and… Hurtful.” I knitted my brows together.   
“Kai...” He said against my lips and pulled back. “I often have trouble with saying the right things at the right time. I should have told you this a long time ago…” He tugged a strand of hair behind my ear and I looked at him with the mixed emotions whirling inside of me.   
He took a breath and continued.  
“I’m in love with you.”   
I froze. My feelings imploded.   
Happy, angry, scared?? He’s in love with me? But I was still angry! I was mentally pedaling in very confusing waters and very stormy. Luckily not for long.   
In that moment Zuko was kissing me again. This time harder. It was a kiss that felt as demanding and as desperately unable to let go as my own fright of loosing something so entirely close to my heart. Zuko was laying the cards on the table as they were.   
His hands, that had grabbed my arms so firmly it almost hurt, now loosened and stroked over my back instead. I glided my own touch under his cape that hung from his shoulders. His lips were warm his tongue even more so when I opened my mouth.  
“You make me feel very stupid too.” He breathed hotly on my lips. It made the small hairs of my arm stand. Zuko’s hands traveled down my back and I undid the top button on his shirt.   
“Good.” I pressed up against him and he hugged me tighter.  
I wanted him to loose sense with me and be at his wit’s end because he wanted me so franticly that it ached. Like I did him. My body was already going up in flames.  
I pulled away with my heart pounding in my chest, and sent him a dark devious look. It wasn’t difficult to decipher. Not even if he had been as dense as solid granite.   
Zuko didn’t say anything either, his eyes flicked to the empty hallway. Our thoughts were synchronized. Without hesitation we hurried through the abandoned palace corridors.

We were already in another fervent embrace when we barged through the doors to his chambers. I had my legs around Zuko and he was holding me against his hips.   
He’d dismissed the guards with a wave of his hand right before, and I thought I heard one of them murmur to the other ‘forgotten her jacket again’. But it didn’t even make so much as a dent in my confidence. I was no longer anxious of who was expecting what of me. I was defenselessly fueled by a blazing blinding need, which left no room for insecurities.   
Without breaking from each other I kicked the door closed.   
There was no light in the bedroom except for the moon, and the shadows were black as a starless night. I slid off him and started loosening my layered robes in between his still greedy kisses. Zuko stroked and caressed every new inch of my skin that was uncovered as I undressed. The wild electric current that his touch generated, shot through me and made me crave the next more than the last.  
It was maddening and I couldn’t help but to sigh, as his mouth left mine to glide down my neck and over my chest. He was gentle, and then, not so much.   
“Zuko…” I whispered breathlessly when he used his teeth. Zuko’s tan collarbones moved as he pulled out of his own clothes and I bit my lip. He was so nice to look at and it made my thoughts even more focused on what I wanted to do to him - And what I wanted him to do to me.  
“I like it when you say my name like that.” He said in a husky voice against my skin. Cheeky.  
In one last tug my heavy robes fell off my shoulders.  
Zuko kept kissing his way down, past my navel, past my hips. I shivered as his hot tongue touched me between my legs and I felt like I was dying when he used his fingers too.   
I grabbed tufts of his hair to be able to keep my balance as my legs had started to quiver.  
Zuko played my nerves like an instrument, plucking the tight strings and making me whine. Vivid colors and the rhythm of my own pulse were filling my head, and then I gripped his hair tighter.   
I let my head fall back, feeling myself being carried away on a wave of blurry slippery sensations.  
The sudden fiery implosion made me lightheaded.   
My entire being could just liquefy and become a puddle on the floor right then and there. But Zuko wasn’t done with me.  
As he came up to my eye level again he looked dangerous and beautiful, and for once it didn’t seem like he was smug about it.   
I drew him closer to me by the hem of his pants. He was leaner than I remembered him being on the ship, but I liked that. I tickled my fingers down the firm muscles of his abdomen, and they flexed.  
Zuko exhaled. The scar on his lower ribs was smooth and lighter in shade. He was still a warrior above everything else. All over his tan skin the marks of combat shaped the details of his body’s landscape. I wondered if I had given him one or two scars myself during our time on the ship.   
It didn’t make me repentant though it perhaps should have; it made me feel like I had made an influence on his life and if I was to vanish suddenly, I would have left something behind.  
My lips floated over his in a tender kiss. He held the back of my neck loosely. I undid the ties on his hips and Zuko flicked his tongue out to lick my lip.   
He took a hold of my legs and lifted me up on the bed.

I was drinking water and with my legs tugged up under my chin under the covers.  
Zuko was getting dressed and he ran a hand through his slightly sticky hair. His body glistened in the soft candlelight and I could see the muscles shift under the skin in every move he made.   
I am in too deep for my own good, I thought and tried to look away.   
“I have to go draw up a treaty for the Earth King. It has to go out tonight. But I’ll be right back.” Zuko said and shrugged on his shirt.   
“Mhm ‘kay.” I was still staring at his perfect figure as I absently put the water down.  
“I could also not do that.” He said in an arrogant smirk as he corrected his collar and tossed his hair out of his eyes. Zuko knew darn well that I would much rather have he stayed in this room so I could look at him all night.  
“Just go - be the Firelord or whatever.” I rolled my eyes at him and fell back in the pillows.  
“I’ll be right back.” He said again as he crawled up on the madras and kissed me tenderly. His smelled so good that I had to control myself not to pull him on top of me and repeat all the steps one more time. Zuko’s hand snaked under the covers and I guess he was thinking something along the same lines.   
I sighed against his lips and he drew back with a dazed expression.  
“It won’t take long…” His said as if I was the one who needed convincing.  
“I know.” I bit my lip in a grin.   
He stood, smoothed his hair back and walked out.   
Before closing the door Zuko sent me a small wicked look.   
It made me snicker and cover my blushing face with the covers. 

Later in the night I suddenly woke up from my deep sleep. I had forgotten where I was and it took me a moment to remember. When I did, a flutter of butterflies tickled the inside of my ribs and I rolled over in the sleek sheets.   
To my surprise Zuko was asleep next to me. Well I was mostly surprised because I didn’t think that guy ever slept. The smile softened into a quiet fascination as I observed him in the dark. Zuko was breathing slowly and the dark hair was flowing over the side of his face that was scared. Now that I thought about it I didn’t really see the scar. I mean I saw it, but wasn’t like ‘a thing’ about him. It was just the way Zuko looked and to me he was stunning and attractive and…  
“I’m in love with you too…” I breathed. It’d sort of slipped out without me meaning to.   
He looked very different when he slept, quiet and at peace –even a little younger than usually. It was unfair that he had to work this hard. Nobody should have to age twenty years in just one. It would be a question of time before he would work himself to death if he didn’t slow down.   
I gently brushed some of the bangs away from his face.   
Zuko snatched my wrist and snapped his eyes open.   
My heart skipped a beat in shock.   
The yellow orbs pierced me.  
“Sorry.” I gasped sincerely.   
He let go straightaway. Zuko rolled on his back and smacked a hand over his face.  
“No… I’m sorry.” He mumbled and clinched his jaw.   
I felt my heart beat like a hummingbird’s.   
Great job Kai, you woke up the guy who hasn’t been sleeping soundly in literally years!   
Zuko, who was wide awake now, scooped me up in his arms and pressed me close to his chest. I relaxed against him, and the sweet spice surrounding his warm body convinced me to breath in deep and slow. His heart was racing too.   
“I’d forgotten you were here Kai… I’ve never slept with anyone before…” He said quietly. I figured he meant actually sleeping in the same bed together. I snuggled under the covers and tried not to be thinking too hard about what he had done with someone else.  
“I haven’t done that before either.” I mumbled.   
His fingers absently stroked my back.  
“… Really?” Zuko’s voice hummed in his chest.   
“Yeah… Is that so hard to believe?” I shrugged casually, which is hard to do when you’re lying down. He probably didn’t know that he’d been my first kiss and now my first ‘sleep-over experience’, but that he’d been the first to pass the last of the three milestones had been pretty obvious.   
“… Are you okay? How do you feel?” He asked quietly.   
I looked up at him from the sheet cave. I welcomed the sentiment of concern but not the awkwardness that tagged along with it. Then I let out a soft laugh and ran a hand through my hair.  
“Do you have to ask? I mean… I think I was pretty clear about how I feel. How it felt.” I’d been saying ‘yes’ a lot. I glanced up again in a timid smirk.  
Zuko crept under the sheets too.  
“I just really don’t want to hurt you anymore.” He stroked a finger over the cut on my cheek. I took his hand and kissed his fingertips. He was being too sweet and I wasn’t sure of how I was feeling about our current situation just yet.   
“… So you never bunked with anybody? What about ‘The Gaang’?” I asked to change the subject before it got too real.  
“I always had my own place. One time I did wake up with Sokka snoring in the foot of my tent, but that was because Suki and him had had a fight I think. I didn’t ask.” Zuko looked like he was remembering and then a frown ran over his face. “I should ask about that.” He mumbled.   
I laughed and rested my head on his chest.   
“I know what you mean. When I was staying with the old healer I once woke up with a huge panda-lion in my face one morning – and it wasn’t ours. I never figured out why it was there. It was friendly and tame, luckily for my face, and we ended up keeping it. Lillion, Chie, well the healer, named it.” I said in a snicker.   
Zuko laughed quietly but it died out.   
“I should have taken you with… Now, but also then…” He said tentatively.  
I didn’t know what to say back and a stillness followed.  
I had been pretty hurt both times…Okay, truthfully completely heartbroken, even close to suicidal in a non-traditional way, but still. I was by the way nowhere near ready to open up about me emo-tripping in the forest.  
Zuko broke the silence.  
“I wasted so much time not being with you, because I thought I had to do things on my own… Uncle was telling me that in Ba Sing Se.” Regret was coloring his words.   
“No one can build a democracy singlehandedly. It doesn’t work like that. And you are never going to be ‘on your own’ again Zuko. Your friends, Iroh and the nation that you are setting free, will always be at your back if you include them in your battles.”   
“And you?” That was a loaded question.   
I sat up in the bed and pulled the covers away so that we could look straight at each other. His eyes caught the moonlight. I sighed in frustration at the talk that I apparently couldn’t sidestep.   
“You talk like you want to be together.” I was dead serious.   
He glanced down then sat up too.  
“I do want that.”  
“Then do it! Be with me. Involve me, spend time with me! Don’t just stow me away in a dusty corner of this damned place while you’re breaking your back doing Firelord-stuff.” I crossed my arms. “And lastly, don’t keep all those ‘dark secrets’ from me. I know when you do anyway so its just plain rude.”  
“… You know?” He clenched his jaw.   
Zuko was very clearly asking if I knew of him visiting Ozai.  
“I understand why you did it. He might be one of the worst people at the job, but he’s your father.” Zuko unmistakably still cared for both Azula and Ozai, despite their super sociopathic personalities, and I hoped that in some twisted crippled way, they felt the same.   
“I thought if I talked to him as an equal, he would do the same. Instead… You were right, trying to connect with him didn’t give me what I needed.” He let his head fall back to look at the celling. “I didn’t tell you because I was angry with myself for not listening.”  
I shifted to sit on his lap and moved his face back to mine.  
“I forgive you.” I said determinedly, and then added more lightly; “and next time a global crisis threatens to destroy world peace, just, take my advice.”   
“Next time? I don’t think I’ll survive a ‘next time’…” Zuko rubbed his face.   
“Meh, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. And before that happens you need to take some personal time from the job.” I said in a wave.  
He looked skeptical from behind his palms.  
“How long have I been here now? Almost the entire summer? It’s about time we found your mom.” I met his eyes. “And… I think Azula should come.” As soon as I’d said that Zuko looked horrified.   
“Azula? Azula is insane!” He stared in disbelief. “You do know she’s the one who gave me this, right?” He pointed at the scar on his abs.  
“Yeah… Well… I think she kinda has to come. Like there’s a bigger picture that she somehow fits into.” I really didn’t know how it would turn out in the very end either way. I had to trust my instincts on this one. “Besides I thought we’d just established that I’m the all-knowing oracle and that I shouldn’t be defied.” I struck out my tongue in a cheeky grin but Zuko didn’t look charmed.  
“Then, oracle, you know she will never agree to come with us unless she had something to gain. And it’s likely to be something destructive.” His face was full of grave shadows.   
“Yes. It’s likely that it will be. But… She want’s to see her mom too…” I said gently.  
Zuko opened his mouth but closed it again. Then he slumped against the headboard and thought over his reply one more time.  
“Maybe. How can I unite a nation if I cannot even unite my own blood… But, traveling with Azula is not going to be easy. Even though she is my sister I’m expecting her to turn on us. I know I would have in her place.” He narrowed his eyes.   
“Yep. And look how you turned out.” I smirked and brushed my thumb over his lip.  
He mirrored my expression and slid his hands up over my hips.  
“I thought of you every day, but I forgot how beautiful you are.” Zuko muttered.  
“Stop. You’ll make me blush for real...” I whispered as I leaned in.   
Zuko pulled me closer.  
Outside the moon kept soaring high over the black ocean.  
.  
.  
.


	14. A winding road

Chapter 14: A winding road

Iroh had answered in a hawk that he would gladly overtake the position of stewardship while Zuko was on the road, and he was expected within a fortnight. Meanwhile Aang and the others had already settled in and were helping Zuko with the travel preparations. Ozai was being extra guarded in our absence and Azula… Well I was on my way to talk to her.   
Zuko had tried to hand her an olive branch earlier that week, but it had not been a very pleasant experience to say the least. After that, I’d asked him if I could go see Azula alone.   
I figured I knew some things that could make her listen and maybe even help with her condition. The visit could only take place after a long difficult conversations and minor physical tussle with Zuko -in the end I had gained his ambivalent consent.  
I walked through the serenity stone garden in front of the ‘institution’ as Zuko called it. High summer had passed us and that took the edge of heat that the Fire Nation was so familiar with. Visitors, staff and what I assumed to be patients, were either raking the gravel, cutting bonsai trees or meditating in the bright pleasant sun.   
The doors were those of a temple, low and lavishly carved with dragon sculptures. Their eyes were set with ruby red jewels. This was a high-class ‘institution’ if I’d ever seen one.   
“Welcome my Lady, what can I do for you?” I mild looking woman bowed deeply to me.  
“I’m here to visit Princess Azula.” I said while still glancing around. When I caught the eyes of the woman again it looked like I’d whacked her in the face with a golf club.   
I guess dropping Azula’s name would do that to most people in this world.   
“Oh. Do… Do you have the granted access?” She stammered.  
“I have this from the Firelord. I think you’ll find what you need there.” I stuck a folded piece paper in her hands. She nervously skimmed the document I had gotten from Zuko before I’d left. It was like some kind of hall-pass and it was quite annoying to me that we had that big of a power divide.   
“Yes… Follow me.” The woman was visually sweating. She spun around and walked deeper in to the institution, not checking if I was really following her or not. 

Identical hallways met every few meters. The same red narrow corridor with the same table, decorated with the same flower in a plain blue vase, repeated itself seemingly infinitely. The floor was a deep orange wood and our shoes, the woman and mine, made that hypnotic ‘clack clack clack’ at our step. Suddenly in the dead quiet I heard a man scream and then laugh hysterically. I looked around but the chilling mania faded almost instantly and my tour-guide hadn’t even pulled a muscle in reaction.   
We came to a sudden hold in front of what looked like an iron door. The woman tapped on the door and through a sliding slit a man’s eyes were visible. He scanned her and then me. The door opened and I could hear how heavy it was as the joints complained in squeaks.   
I had though that we’d reached Azula’s chamber, but this was apparently only the first dock of three we had to go through to get to the final entry. The woman bowed deeply to me and left without another word.   
“You may enter with the guards in a moment.” A gatekeeper said. Security was airtight around here. When I finally stepped inside, with my new posy at my heels, the first thing I saw was the view. A giant round window, two stories at least, were overlooking the ocean and the sun was piercing the room as if we were outside.   
“Sooo? My weakling brother sends his little harlot to do his bidding? What a good obedient girl you are.” Azula hissed in a smile from the only shadow in the room.   
A nurse, who was stationed in the chamber, stood and walked over to her. She rolled Azula’s wheelchair into the light.   
I sucked in air through my teeth. The black haired girl hung her head and twisted in her straitjacket.  
“Can I get you anything? Tea, cherries?” She spat. “Maybe not.” She laughed in a maddened way. “I’m a little tied up you see.” The Azula snapped her head up and the same shade of eyes that Zuko had drilled right through me. I was almost staggered at that hateful glare. It was looking into hell-fire itself. I understood immediately why people found Azula a little intimidating.   
“I’m amazed you got a window in here.” I said finding my mental footing again.   
“Yes isn’t it nice of my brother. Of course I can only use it if I decide to take a swim.” She smirked disturbingly. I wandered toward the window and looked down. It was a direct plummet to the sharp shore far, far below. Waves crashed themselves violently in to the volcanic black cliffs.  
“Leave us.” I said to the personal. They all exchanged baffled glances but didn’t move. “Did I stutter?” I asked in a tight tone.   
“My Lady I’m afraid that is not possible…” A hesitant guard said.  
“Have you lost the ability to walk? I command you to leave. All of you.” There were still unsure of how to react to my orders but uncertainly the guards withdrew. I shot the nurse a decisive glare and she scrambled to get out too.   
Azula snickered hatefully.  
“We will have to inform the Firelord.” The last guard said before he walked hesitantly through the door. It sounded like the guard was going to tattle on me, ‘I’m gonna tell dad’. I just waved my hand at him. The lock sounded and the silence stood in the room for a moment.  
“Do you know who I am?” I asked and sat on a chair opposite her.   
“Should I?” She arrogantly leaned back and crossed her legs. The straightjacket was fixating her all the way to the top of her hips.   
“No. It really doesn’t matter who I am. What matters is what I know. And I know everything Azula.” I penetrated her gaze. If I showed any weakness she would instantly cut me down.   
I sensed some intrigue.  
“What is it you think you know?” She sneered but otherwise appeared indifferent.  
“As I said. Everything. About your hurt, your abandonment, your longing for Ursa to love you. Does she speak to you right now? Through the voices?” I leaned back in my seat as well.  
“We all have our little quirks don’t we?” She turned her head and looked bored.  
“Maybe that’s true. Mine is that I know about that night you cracked. You saw her in the mirror. What was it she said to you…” I lightly tapped my index finger on my jaw. “Oh yes I remember, ’what a shame you always had so beautiful hair’.”   
“How… How…” Azula’s eyes were round and crazy to look at. “You talked to her?!? WHAT DID SHE TELL YOU!? She has turned everyone against me!! EVEN MY OWN MIND!” She thrashed in the fixation, her hair whipping wildly.  
“Ursa is alive. And I’m talking about your real mother not that distorted version your mind made up.” I observed her calmly.  
“LIAR!” Azula screeched.   
“I’m not lying and you know that. I think Ozai told you about Ursa’s whereabouts. But he also told you something else, didn’t he? I’m not here for that though.”  
Azula panted and glared significantly at me.  
“Are you here to assassinate me then? So you’ll be the only one with that information? Is that it?! You want Zuzu to love you because you found his mother and kept the biggest secret in Fire Nation HISTORY?!” Her madness made her face pull in ugly lines as she rambled.  
I shook my head gently.   
“I want to ask you if you want to come with us.”   
“HAhahaHAHAha! And why would I do that!? You all conspire to dispose of me!”   
“… I know you miss her too. And that secret Ozai has told you, isn’t true. Zuko is the rightful heir.”  
I could see how Azula’s face fell. Absorbing the information, calculating weather or not to believe me. She slowly returned to her normal composed self.  
“So you know where the evidence is?” She smirked.  
“It isn’t evidence. It’s a letter Ursa wrote in desperation. Declaring that Zuko wasn’t legit was because she was so unhappy. Ozai knows that. He is using you to reclaim the throne for himself.”  
“Well aren’t you just the one with all the answers? To think at what lengths you go for my dearest brother. Have you squeezed him yet, don’t worry that day will come, and the very next he will discard you. He loved Mai much deeper than you and look where she ended up! Heartbroken over sweet Zuzu.” She taunted and blew a stand of hair out of her face.   
I wasn’t going to take her bait.  
“Look Azula-”  
“Princess Azula to you, harlot.” She snapped with narrow eyes.   
I blew a sigh, my patience was wearing a tad thin.   
“I know you want to go, if not only for your tactless reasons, so don’t play hard to get.”  
A moment dragged by as she deliberated my words.  
“Fine. I’ll go.” She shrugged. “If you answer my question. Why do you want me to? For Zuko’s sake?” Her mean eyes glared at me but a smirk was ever present.  
“A part of me is doing it for Zuko, sure, but the other…” I stood and grinned down to her. “Can’t wait for your attempt to escape so I can fight you. I’ve seen and heard about your bending, and I would love see who’d come out on top.”  
Azula let out a cold laugh.  
“Well, I can spare you the surprise, it is going to be me.” Her eyes flashed.  
I leisurely walked over to the door and knocked.   
“Goodbye Princess. I’ll inform your staff of your temporally withdrawal from treatment.”   
Before I left I turned in the entrance.  
“Don’t bother to look for the letter. It is no longer in the secret chamber. I’ve relocated it for obvious reasons.” I gave her a sassy wave and the metal door slammed shut.

Departure was upon us. Aang, Katara, Sokka was loading Appa with provisions for the trip. Katara bended water into the huge bellows tied to Appa’s sides, and Aang was swirling bags of apples in precise tornados. Sokka was once again on Appa-duty and tried to comb out the giant animals bangs.  
“You need a haircut my fluffy fellow! No -AH- don’t lick me!!” He yelped as Appa’s tongue wriggled over his nose in a deep friendly growl.   
Zuko, threw the tents and sleeping gear onboard and I was packing some more rope, you could never have too much rope! Azula skulked around, arrogantly sneering at everything, and of course not lifting a finger. Ty Lee and Yuki were watching her closely.   
The Gaang had not been pleasantly surprised when Zuko and I had told them Azula was our sixth passenger instead of Toph. Sokka had even tried to her attack her on the sport, well who could blame him, but she’d just snorted and ‘zapped’ Sokka’s boomerang right out of his hand with a tiny lightning. It looked quite comical but evoked a very serious reaction from all of us. Ice, fire and air had incased her instantaneously.   
So, that was a great start of our adventure!   
“We’re all set over here!” Aang called.  
“Then I guess we can leave now.” I called back and threw the rope onboard.   
Appa roared happily and Sokka crawled up to take the rails.  
“All aboard the flying marshmallow express!” Sokka called and patted Appa by his horn.   
I stood a little tentatively and waited to crawl up.  
“You’ve never flown Appa have you?” Zuko asked close behind me.   
“No not really.” I murmured.  
“Don’t be afraid. It’s nice.” Still standing at my back he took a hold of my hips and gave me a boost up. I could have gotten up myself, but the gesture was very sweet.  
Azula rolled her eyes and jumped up in the saddle followed by Katara. I was just thankful she didn’t feel the need to say something.

High in the skies everything seemed to lighten up. The clouds had turned a faint pink in the sunset and Aang and Katara kissed and chatted lovingly with each other. Sokka complained and glided the flying bison high above the Fire Nation ocean. Azula had sunk within herself and was staring at the clouds deep in thought. I hung over the saddle and looked down, feeling the calm rhythm of Appa’s tail, and grinning like an idiot. There was so much space on Appa’s back that it could easily fit this many people comfortably.   
“I can’t believe you got to fly on Appa every day!” I sighed, reeling myself in.   
Zuko was lying next to me, but with distance between us. We still hadn’t talked about what we should call each other and how open we were going to be about our current romantic status. For my sake we could keep it a secret a little while longer.   
Zuko’s eyes were closed and he had his arms behind his head.   
“It wasn’t every day. But yeah, I like it too.” He smiled. I hadn’t seen him this relaxed since, well, maybe ever.   
“How did you feel the first time you flew on him?” I asked.  
“Donno? Maybe a little tense?”   
“HA! A little?! You had just kicked Azula off the cliff at the Northern Air-temple and-“ Sokka stopped dead and peered fearfully over his shoulder at Azula. She hadn’t heard, or she may have but she didn’t react. Azula just sat there and looked at the light that was fading. My guess was that she actually was enjoying herself a little too. Sokka exhaled and wiped his forehead.  
Zuko sat up.   
“Sokka’s right. The first time I rode Appa was when I was fighting my sister and these guys saved my life. That’s kind of depressing.” He said.   
I laid a light hand on his shoulder. I wanted to kiss him, but not necessarily with an audience.   
“It could have been worse. The first time Toph rode Appa she was sick for three days!” Aang tried with a comforting smile.  
“Yeah, and even Sokka was air-sick the first time.” Katara offered. “You are doing remarkable well Kai.” She added.   
I shrugged and withdrew my hand from Zuko. I had no intention of mentioning my experience with airplanes. This was much nicer though. Being outside and having the warm evening wind in your face instead of someone’s air-coned cough, was magical.  
“The sky is beautiful up here. What’s not to like?” I sighed happily.  
“It is. But not as beautiful as you my moon-flower.” I turned to Zuko as Aang said that to Katara and she gave him a sweet kiss. We caught each other’s eyes and there was a very clear look between us. It was the ‘I kinda wanna kiss you too’ look.   
We both bowed our heads in a snicker.  
“What’s going on back there?! All I hear is gross yucky smooching!” Sokka almost screamed in mortification and twisted around on Appa’s furry head. Laughter broke out among us. All but one. Azula was still in her self-induced catatonic state.   
We were all just waiting for her to snap, but as darkness fell, she still hadn’t attempted to microwave us. I struck me as very odd because if I hadn’t been along, she would have made a move by now. I guess the story had changed a little now when she didn’t have the letter to drive her traitorous ploy forward. What she didn’t know was that I had the letter folded safely in my chest binding. I kept it close so that Azula couldn’t activate someone in the palace to find it and make a scandal out of it.  
At the time I didn’t even consider it to be cruel. Or stupid. 

Aang clapped his glider together in the air and touched down on Appa’s back.  
“We’re here alright. I did a quick scouting and everything looks nice and peaceful.” He beamed at us.   
“I suggest we fly over there and make camp.” Zuko pointed to a forested mountain slope a little outside the village of Hira’a.  
“Why not just go in the village now?” Aang asked.   
“I don’t like arriving to a small village in the dead of night like common thieves. We could end up scaring people away.” Zuko reasoned.  
“Oh. You’re right. Sokka put Appa down in that clearing if you’d please.” Aang called and the big beast started to circle effortlessly down to the forest.   
We landed with a slight bump and I jumped out to stretch my legs. We had been flying all day and were all a little tattered –not to mention Appa. He roared exhausted and flopped on his side once we’d unburdened him.   
Aang stroked the animal whose giant tongue was sticking out. “It’s hard for him to carry this many people and rations too.” He looked tenderly at Appa. “Good job buddy.”   
“At least if the creature perishes we’ll have food for years.” Azula snorted.  
“Hey!” Aang said in an insulted tone. Appa agreed in a growl.   
“Without the sky-bison we would’ve had to travel for days through thick jungle and cross bandied territories. You should be thanking Appa.” Zuko stepped up to her.  
“Were you afraid sweet Zuzu?” She sneered mockingly.   
Zuko shook his head at her childish behavior.  
“Why do you always have to diminish me?”  
“Or maybe it was because you wanted to impress your little girlfriend? Well, I’ll tell you now dear brother, you don’t have to be working so hard! Ha! Just look at her blush!” She hissed in a cold laugh. I was blushing a little but distaste colored my face even more.  
“Azula!” Zuko exclaimed.   
The Gaang peered at me with curious eye. I huffed dismissively at the ‘girlfriend’ comment, and begun to ready our camp. I was pretending not to see the glance Aang and Katara exchanged.   
Soon the dispute dissolved as Azula had wandered over to a nearby tree to continue her vacant stare.   
The others were sitting around the campfire as soon as Zuko had got it going.   
Katara had whipped up a lovely soup, and everyone was pleasantly full, though I couldn’t speak for Azula that hadn’t touched her plate. She was truly thinking very hard about something and I for one, would love to know what it was. It couldn’t be good, I’ll tell you that.  
I played absently with the flames in the bonfire, bending little bits of the bigger one to make them dance on the ground by my feet.   
I heard Zuko breath a quiet chuckle as he sat down besides me.   
“That’s a curious way of bending.” He looked intrigued at my flame dancers.   
“Its my way of fidgeting. I learned it from Iroh on the ship.”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah, it was a meditation technique he called ‘dance of the leafs’ or something. I never got the meditation part though.” I pushed my lips.  
“He didn’t teach me that?” Zuko said wonderingly.  
“I think he had been trying to… But you wanted firebending stances.” I offered a brow lift.   
“Ah…” He looked as if he vaguely recalled it.  
“Yeah! I keep forgetting you two go way back!” Sokka swung his spoon. “To think that you could stand to be Zuko’s roommate at that time! Seriously, pew! No offence pal.” He shrugged.  
“None taken.” Zuko shrugged too.   
“It wasn’t all bad.” A smile pulled at my lips as I looked in to the fire. “Have you told the others about the white woods?” I glanced at the Gaang and then up at Zuko.   
“Ehm… No?” He ran a self-conscious hand over his neck.   
I shook my head lightly.  
“I meant, that there is something going on here. Maybe tied to a powerful spirit and you all would do well to be extra attentive to your surroundings.” I said and Aang leaned in and looked interested. “I saw it in some sort of prediction.”  
“I did feel something earlier, but I thought it was just the uneasiness of having…” Aang frowned jokily and rolled his eyes to Azula who wasn’t in hearing range. “… Something else on my mind.”  
“It could have been the spirit-stuff. When I was living on the ship, before I got most of my bending under control, I had two episodes of ‘spiritbending’. Or I call it spiritbending but I really don’t know what the hell it was. One of the times was about this place, about these woods. Only the trees and the ground, even the sky, was completely white.” They all listened in intensely. “It wasn’t ominous, or even scary just freaky… And I think I had the ‘vision’ for a reason. Which reason though, I have no idea. It could be a warning of danger?” I ended and chewed my cheek.  
“Maybe it was a vision about finding my mother? I mean isn’t that possible with divinations Aang?” Zuko asked.  
“It is possible that visions could be triggered by positive emotions too. But then again almost anything is possible in the spirit world.” Aang looked thoughtful then added. “To really know anything about the meaning we kinda have to know what was in the vision?”  
“Me and Kai were trapped in a white forest and then we came to a lake with really clear blue water and then…” Zuko’s words ran dry.  
“There was a light but nothing major happened.” I finished a little rushed.  
“Did you see the woods too Zuko?” Aang asked astonished. “I have never heard of taking more people in to the spirit world at once! Especially not together.” There was no point in mentioning that Aang’s future son and granddaughter would posses that exact ability.   
“We were… Together when it happened both times.” He answered and I saw a faint pinkness on his face. I don’t think Aang or Sokka noticed it though.   
There was a silence where the tinder cackled.  
“I think it’s time for bed Aang! Sokka you too!” Katara suddenly stood and took to ushering the boys to their beds.  
“You know I am actually the oldest!” Sokka protested but had to suppress an annoyed yawn and after a huff he slumped inside his shelter. Acting like his own body had betrayed his point.  
“Goodnight you two.” She called as she pushed Aang, who was still waving confused at us, into their tent. I glanced over the fire at Azula who was laying a little ways away from the camp. She appeared to have fallen asleep against the tree.  
“That was strange? Its not that late is it?” Zuko eyed Katara’s tent suspiciously.  
“I think she was trying to give us some privacy.” I said in a low voice, tents weren’t very soundproof. “So I could do this.” I leaned in and gave Zuko a light kiss on his lips. He led a hand on the back of my neck and kissed me back a little more insistently.   
“How nice of her.” He said in a small smirk as we pulled back. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you all day.” Zuko added.  
“Then why didn’t you?” I bit my lip in a smile.  
“I… Uh… Didn’t know if you wanted me to? I mean, we haven’t told the others yet?” He glanced away, and it was very cute. I had to breath out a snicker.  
“That was very considerate of you. But I would never not want to kiss you.” I leaned in for another and this time he pulled me close in a deep kiss. I felt a jolt of want in me. I had my palm on his strong shoulder and Zuko drifted a hand over my knee and up.   
I wasn’t going to do Zuko in front of his sister and in earshot of his best friends. That seemed quite distasteful. Maybe making out like that was on the brim of being a little vulgar as well.   
I was almost winded when we drew back.   
“Ehm… Are you going to guard Azula or should I?” I changed the ‘subject’ and started to stand.  
“I’ll do it.” He said simply and stood too. “But she’s asleep…” His eyes flicked to the woods, they flashed in the flames. He could throw me against a tree in the shadows and no one would know… My cheeks flushed.  
“I don’t think we can trust she’ll stay put.” I whispered and pointed to Azula who hadn’t moved an inch. “It wouldn’t be very responsible of us.”   
“We won’t go that far away.” He brushed my hair away from my neck. I shivered but shook it off. There was a time and a place, and goddamn, this wasn’t it!   
I blew out a frustrated sigh. I was mostly frustrated with my own righteousness.   
“If she escapes she’ll go directly for the village. She might even burn the whole thing down in search for Ursa.” Zuko glanced, also a little frustrated, in his sister’s direction.  
“Will she find her there?” He asked earnestly.  
“No… She will not find Ursa without us…” Ursa was in a witness protection program so to speak, and had no recollection of her life as the queen, or of her children. And that was in addition to having a completely new face! I winced. Still hadn’t told Zuko about that.  
“But she’ll burn the village down just the same…” I finished.  
“You’re right.” Zuko sighed. “I’ll take the first watch.” He caressed my cheek and pecked me lightly.  
In a defeated nod I wandered to my tent, but before I slipped inside I saw Zuko cover Azula with a blanket. In a tender way found myself even deeper in love.

There was yelling and turmoil outside and my tent flap was open. I snapped up. In an instant I leaped out with flames at the ready. The sun blinded me and it took a moment for me to see that Sokka was knocked over and rubbed his head in a scowl.   
“Are you okay?” I ran to him to see if he was bleeding but found no major injuries.   
“Kai! I just looked away for a second and she tripped me!” He said in baffled explanation.   
Azula’s blue flames colored the dark woods and shouting grew dimmer.   
With fire tracing my step I sprinted after her and the others. Water gushed, wind howled and flames roared louder than I’d heard before.   
I hurdled over a branch and ducked under another. What had suddenly made Azula ready for her assault? Had her insanity finally gotten the better of her?   
The sound of Zuko’s voice echoed. I had to be close.   
In four long jumps I arrived at the battle.  
Katara had ice spires confining Azula, but only for a split-second as Azula breached a column of blue fire to melt it away. Aang used a thick wall of earth to shield him and Katara from the flames. Zuko cut in from the side to grab his sister. She threw herself back, and that’s when I saw she had a piece of paper in her hand.   
I slapped a hand on my chest and cursed. Azula had lifted the letter from me. She was going to dethrone Zuko with this accusation! I cursed again and dashed over to them.   
“Why do our relationship have to be like this Azula?!” Zuko shouted as he blocked her next attack blue flame with an orange one. She laughed chillingly.  
“It doesn’t have to Zuzu! I here have the key to make everything right again! AHAHhah, she thought she could take me down this easily! No mother I say! NO!” Azula threw fire in a circle around her.  
“Azula you’re not making sense…” Zuko said in worried bewilderment.   
I cut her circle over with my flames right before they reached Zuko.   
“Kai!” He exclaimed, I think a little anxious to see me.   
I rushed over to Azula and got in, much cleaner than I would have presumed. I almost got a hold of her wrist, but she had lured me in and spun on me.   
“Good morning oracle!” Azula hissed in a wicked grin over her shoulder.   
She opened her hand with lightning and the electricity shot directly passed my face. I gasped and fell back on the ground. My blonde strays flowed in the wind, frizzy with charge.   
Aang and Katara readied another attempt to fixate Azula, but she was powering up another bolt. I instinctively stretched my hand out to bend her blood but Zuko yelled.  
“Don’t hurt her!” Aang and Katara dropped their attack with worried expressions but I had the sense that Zuko had been yelling to be more than the others. He didn’t want to risk I sautéed Azula’s brain.   
I had promised myself never to use my gift on another being again and I found logic on the other side of panic and closed my hand.  
Azula shot a lightning aiming for my face, and I scrambled out of the attack.  
She leaped back and positioned herself at the end of a cliff. She was smirking viciously at us.  
“Were you trying to get to this?” She met my eyes. I clenched my teeth, got up and dusted myself off.   
“Azula step away from the edge and join us to Hira’a. We’ll find our mother together.” Zuko tried reasoning. She ignored him.  
“Isn’t it a bit unkind to know everything? I mean if you know everything, then surely you must keep secrets from everyone here. What cruel disloyalty. I almost admire it. Especially concerning my innocent brother.” She spat.   
Zuko glanced questioningly at me.   
“Stop now and find peace Azula. Or…” I cautioned but didn’t know the end to my threat if I couldn’t hurt her with my bending.   
“Or what? You know my destiny is in this letter! You know oracle, that’s why you brought it isn’t it?! You wanted me to steal it so I can take what belongs to me!!” Her yellow eyes were round and wild.  
“What is she talking about?” Katara mumbled.  
“WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?! THIS!!” Azula formed a third lightning bolt and shot it straight at me. I was hurling myself out of the way but this time it caught my hip and fiery electricity burned and melted my skin. I shrieked in sudden pain.   
“NO!” Zuko yelled and lunged himself at Azula. He crashed into her and they tumbled to the very threshold of the drop. Zuko got to his feet and grabbed her by the collar. Azula gasped as he held her over the edge.   
Katara darted over to me and pulled the cork of her water flask.  
“WHY! Why do you do it!? You’re my sister! Why does it have to be this way?!” He shouted desperately and shaking with anger.  
“ZUKO!” Aang objected horrified.   
“I would hate to slice your statement in half!” Azula laughed coldly.  
“What does that mean?” He drew her over ground again in bewilderment.   
“It means the throne is mine, not yours, BY RIGHT! You’re not my brother! You’re just a litigate lovechild our peasant mother produced! And I have the PROOF!” She hissed and scratched at his arm with the hand that didn’t grip Ursa’s letter.   
I narrowed my eyes.   
“Don’t listen to her.” I called to him from the ground were I kneeled. Katara was healing with her icy water on my hip and it immediately made the burn more tolerable.   
“You know what this is about?” He shot me a hurt look.  
“Yes. But it isn’t true. You are the Firelord and you are the child of Ursa and Ozai.”   
“I don’t understand…” He let go of Azula who was panting as she fell to the ground. Zuko plucked the letter from Azula’s weakened hand, she was about to charge when Aang bound her in earth and rock. He opened it.   
My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. Zuko’s yellow orbs scanned the letter and his surprise grew with every line. I closed my eyes shut and sighed.  
“Zuko before you-“ I started.  
“How could you keep this from me?” He looked at me like I had knifed him in the neck. Betrayed.  
“What is it? What does it say?” Katara asked and stopped the water glow on my side.  
“It is what Azula said… Its proof that I have no claim on the throne.” Zuko dropped his hand.  
“What!” Aang exclaimed in terror.  
“But more impotently it’s a lie.” I assured everyone in a wince, the injury kept burning without flames. “This was Ursa’s way to uncover that Ozai intercepted her letters. It isn’t true at all. I’m sorry Zuko! I couldn’t risk telling you, there’s no knowing how things would have turned out!” I tried, but he wasn’t listening to my reasoning.   
“So. If you saw the need you were going to use this to manipulate me?“ He glared at me from under the tasseled bangs. I could see I’d hurt him deeply and it made my own pain double.   
“No I would never do that! I was just-“ I tried but a sound made me shut up.  
And just then there was a howl, high and chilling, sounding through the woods.  
.  
.  
.


	15. Face to face

PART THREE  
Chapter 15: Face to face

 

The wolf at my back was two stories tall and its eyes were redder than rubies. I kicked my feet in the dirt to get up and away from the beast that looked like it could gulp me down in one bite. Did I mention it was bright azure blue too??   
I cringed as I moved.   
The rounded spot where Azula had burned me was glowing angry pink. It had been red and black with coagulated blood and singed skin right before Katara had started her rushed healing, so that was a clear improvement, but there was no way I wouldn't have a scar the size of a palm on my right hip.   
And dear God it hurt. The burn pulsated intensely and stung like a thousand bees now that Katara’s water wasn’t soothing it anymore.   
I had to keep my weight off the right leg as I stood.  
The wolf looked down at us and silently showed its broomstick long teeth. Aang bended an air-scooter and flew up to the spirit in hopes of calming it down with explanations. I could see that wolf wasn’t about to listen to Aang, in fact it rather looked like it was ignoring him all together. Katara and Zuko readied their bending, and I took a stance for a ranged flame attack. However I knew that if it came to physical blows, I would be out.  
The wolf turned its big head away from Aang and bored its eyes into mine. I tried to appear intimidating but I don’t think I was very convincing as sweat ran down my temple and my face was strained by pain. The wolf patted a few steps closer, never doping its gaze. There was something uneasy about the way that it looked deeper than the skin.   
The wolf had markings in its fur, white lines that made its brows look angry, but it didn’t act aggressive.   
Slowly I dropped my stance.   
There was a rush of wind that lifted leaves and flowers from the ground in a circle where I stood.  
It was trying to tell me something.   
It lowered its head and patted closer. I didn’t move an inch but only looked up at the spirit. The wolf gently stuck its glistening nose to me.   
Zuko fired up a flame. I was sure he was still feeling betrayed to the bone and I could appreciate the notion of back up despite his resentment. However I was sure I didn’t need it this time.  
“No, don’t.” I said calmly and held a hand to him. In a tight expression he snuffed out the fire in his fist again.   
The wolf breathed in, sniffing me, and the breath was making my clothes and hair flutter. I held a hand to my side, not touching the burn but just above it. It hurt like hell.   
“I’m sorry about your forest.” I said to the wolf, not knowing if it could understand me or not.   
It leaned in carefully and touched its cold giant nose to my cheek. I winced in a smile.   
Then the flash of white came.   
Like a lightning blinding me momentarily. It was in the white woods but I was alone and floating on top of the blue pool. I no longer felt battered and burned but I’ll admit I was severely freaked out about looking past my feet and seeing a deep pond of water five meters below.  
“Do not fret.” A voice strong and deep breathed to me. I twisted in the air but saw no one.  
“Who are you?” I asked nervously. I was completely alone.  
“I am the spirit of the unbound love. I am the protector of the gatekeeper. I am the sky and tree and the seeing through light.”  
“So you’re a spirit?” I asked the space, not knowing in which direction I should speak.  
“I was the father but forgotten. Now I am the servant. The guard to the daughters of the lost.”  
“Daughters? Who?” I asked again. I had no relocation of any daughters on this journey. I only knew of the importance of family in the sense that this was not only about Ursa, but about Zuko and Azula too. I looked above me and gulped. Two red eyes in the white sky stared down at me. The pupils were round dots in the blood red irises.   
“The daughters of the lost.” The voice echoed repetitively but a bit fainter.   
“I don’t understand?”  
“I have brought you here because you are in danger. Return now or be my daughter. He is coming.”   
“Who!? Ozai!? Who is coming?” I was calling to the eyes but just then a force stronger than gravity pulled me down. Suddenly I was plummeting through the air, through the water.

I gasped and stumbled backwards in the grass. The wolf withdrew.   
A flame rushed passed me. The wolf growled and threw itself backwards. Then earth rumbled under me and Katara’s water sliced the air. They were all attacking with force and even Sokka, who had finally joined the group, was taking part.   
“Stop! Stop everybody! The wolf didn’t harm me!” I lifted my hands, but as I still swayed unsteadily on my legs, I didn’t make a very convincing argument.  
Ferocious snarling sounds came from the wolf as it turned. But before it vanished in between the trees, it sent me a knowing hard gaze. Turn back? To where? My world and who was coming our way? What gatekeeper?! An old or new danger, I wondered. Why did spirits have to be so goddamn cryptic!? It couldn’t just be ‘hey bro, watch out for that guy’, no it had to be a string of cosmic riddles. I supposed it was because most spirits were as old as time itself, and perhaps had forgotten how to be concrete in a sentence. Either way I was completely stunned with the wolf spirits warning.   
“Kai?” Katara was at my left and she offered to lift me up. I shook my head and got up on my own. Pride is an ugly and tedious thing, but I could never rid myself of it.  
“You guys, thanks for the assistance, but I didn’t need it.” I sighed a little frustrated.   
Aang looked worried in to the woods. I think he was regretting his attack.  
“You looked like that thing’s dinner, so excuse us!” Sokka said and crossed his arms.  
“No. He was telling me something. He was warning me.” I drew my brows together.  
“What about?” Aang snapped his head back.  
“A danger coming our way… And that I would be lost if I didn’t turn back?” I muttered, still turning over the prophecy myself. “Zuko…” I said but didn’t look up. He hadn’t said a word to me since the showdown. “…I think it was the spirit world we visited that time.”  
“You were in the white woods again?” He asked flatly.  
“Yes. Over the lake.”  
“Over?” Sokka echoed with wonder.  
“Do you think the wolf spirit brought you there the other times too?” Aang questioned.  
“I don’t know… The answer lies in the spirit world. Maybe I have to seek out the wolf again, inquire about what he’s a spirit for and then I could piece it together? This could have something to do with finding my way back…” I was talking mostly to myself.   
“I thought we were here to find our mother.” Azula sat, still locked in properly painful earth. “Or have you had a change of heart dear brother.” She pushed her lips.   
No one spoke to answer Azula. It would seem our quest was at a crossroads. Stay together or split up. I chewed on my cheek. I could tell them of Ursa, of the spirit ‘the mother of faces’, they could go through this without me. They could find her and she could be reunited with her children before the day ended. I could even say which pool they should seek.  
“She’s right.” I broke the silence. Everyone turned to me. “You should find Ursa now in Hira’a. I’ll walk you through the steps. You don’t need me there…””  
“And what will you do?” Zuko had his eyes on me but I couldn’t bring myself to lift my gaze.  
“… I’ll continue alone.” 

We’d wandered back to the camp with a noticeable gloom overhanging our heads. The group hesitantly sat in a circle. Katara had worked even more healing magic on me, and now the pain was a dull but insisting sting. As long as I didn’t twist around it was okay.   
What should we do? No one knew what the right answer to this question was. Not even Aang had a hidden universal advise that could help us make the decision.  
“I’m sorry, so let me get this right. Wolfi-spirit talks to you, while you’re floating in the air in the spirit world, and warns you that you might end up ‘lost’ whatever that means, if you continue, AND your response is to split up? And follow the very guy who said danger is up ahead?!” Sokka was waving his club/sword while he spoke. “Isn’t that kind of stupid?” He had a point.  
I shrugged and nodded.   
“I think we should stay together. Kai shouldn’t go alone.” Aang frowned.  
The sun was almost right above us and we had wandered back to the camp. Azula had been fixated by vines to a tree and was glaring scornfully at us.  
“Me too. But Zuko deserves to find his mother, he has waited so long.” Katara argued gently.   
“But who says it will take long? Finding Kai’s way back could be a quick in-and-out kind of mission!” Sokka was pacing now.   
“I don’t think so. If this has anything to do with opening a portal to my world I don’t think there is an ‘in-and-out’ at all.” I didn’t want to directly mention the possibility of me not returning. A knot tied itself tighter in my stomach. It was not like I especially wanted to go home right now in this moment, but if this was my only chance I owed it some investigation.  
“We should vote for it.” Aang said.  
I caught Azula rolling her eyes.   
Zuko wasn’t very talkative. He skulked sourly with his arms crossed. I still couldn’t look directly at him. I knew that whatever anger or contempt he expressed, it rooted in hurt. I had hurt the person one in the world that I absolutely did not want to. And I hadn’t even thought about it twice. It made me feel like a wretched person. And now I was causing him pain all over again. No matter what I choose to do it would be a sidestep -unless, of course, I sacrificed my own ‘errand’ entirely.   
“Okay… All who votes for splitting up?” Aang asked.   
I and Katara lifted our hands. I glanced at Zuko. Feeling the knot tightening to the point it might break.   
He looked conflicted. The others looked at him too.  
Then he raised his hand.  
I drew a sharp breath but bit hard down on my cheek. I stiffened and fixed my eyes at the ground.   
“… Then it’s decided.” Katara sighed gravely.   
“If you’re done playing consensus over there, hurry up and get these filthy vines off me so we can go.” Azula snapped her orders.  
“You three go to Hira’a with Azula. Find our mother and bring her home to the palace. I’ll go with Yokai.” Zuko instructed without any emotion.  
“But don’t you want to be with us when we find her?” Katara was holding Aang’s hand as she spoke. I felt my face grow warm with tears. I pushed them away. It would be embarrassing to sob in front of my idols.   
“No. I don’t want you with me. I’ll go alone” I breathed and turned on my heel. The burn shot a twinge of pain through me, but I didn’t stop walking. I took too long strides and when I finally felt like I was far enough away I silently opened the floodgates –not entirely on purpose. Considering how much I hated crying, I really was doing it a fair bit.

Tears streamed over my red cheeks and air locked in my throat. I sagged on a stone by a small stream. I couldn’t take that away from him. I couldn’t take meeting his mother for the first time in a lifetime. I wouldn’t. I watched the mountain stream trickle down the mossy stones and I wiped my face but the tears kept rolling. And if I really were getting the chance to go back, would I take it? The feelings I had for Zuko were genuine and profound but were they enough to sacrifice my own world for? Too much speculation and too little grounds for it.   
I shook my head, who was to say what this clue would lead me to. The wolf could end up knowing nothing or perhaps even setting up a trap…   
“Running away has always been you least flattering trait Kai.” Zuko was walking to me with his hands in his pockets. He pulled out the letter. “If it’s a lie… Then why did you not just tell me?” He sat on a stone over to me.   
“I can’t mess it up Zuko.” The tears dripped down off my chin.   
“Be more specific please.” He was gentle, and I tried to stop crying but not really succeeding.   
“The story! It has to go a certain way, or…” I wasn’t sure what would happen if I changed it all. It could be that in the end it had no real effect and through a twisted path destiny would find its way. But I wouldn’t risk it. Too much, that is. I was already interfering with the way of things by even being here.  
“Story?” He spoke calmly to the water.   
“Your story, all of your stories. It has to be right. An-and I’m messing it up!” I cried so my shoulder shook. To Zuko’s credit he wasn’t looking uncomfortable with my emotional outburst.   
“And so what if you do?”   
“Then-then I don’t know! But I don’t want to find out. I want it to be as it’s supposed to. The bawling started to reside, thank God. I took a trembling breath.  
“… Why?”   
“Because I love you.” I whispered to the ground.   
“I don’t follow your logic.” Zuko sighed softly. “What does one have to do with the other?”  
“I’m not supposed to be here. I was selfish. You’re supposed to end up with Mai and have firebending babies and the future firelord, your great-great granddaughter is supposed to be this beautiful fearsome world leader that safes the nation and-“   
Zuko suddenly had his hand on my jaw, his thumb rested lightly on my lips to make me shut up I guessed. He was kneeling before me and his yellow irises cut in me.  
“Then why did you come?” We held the eye contact.   
“I…” I had to give in. It was time. “I came for you…” A leftover tear darted from my lashes. It had been true all along. I had come for him. I had always been impossibly in love.  
“Me…? I don’t…”  
There was a bird singing in between these questioning silences. Leafs rustled softly above us. It was hard to convince myself that this world was anything other than ‘real’. I twisted out of his hand and looked at the ground.   
“… I’ve seen you for many years. From afar… I’m not your spirit guide. I’m just a normal stalking person who forced my way in because I had to meet you. And I’ve stolen very valuable moments from you for my own egotistic benefit. Your life… Your destiny has been tampered with. By me.” I whispered. There was no way of knowing if, once I was out again, the parallel would ‘reset’ itself or if it would stay changed forever.   
“Life has taught me that destiny is a variable. If you are here now. If you love me. Then it is as it supposed to be Kai… Because I feel the same. I could never imagine how it would have turned out if you hadn’t been here. If you hadn’t believed in me back then and now. You are everything to me and it doesn’t matter that you aren’t a guide sent from the spirit world. I figured that out a long time ago.” Zuko leaned in and kissed my lips very lightly. The knot loosened a little bit. He wiped his thumbs over my cheeks and dried away the dampness. I felt my face threaten to crumble again and grabbed his hands to stay strong.  
“… If- if I go back. I don’t know if I can ever return.” I slid off the rock and kneeled on the ground with him.   
I embraced him and he hugged me back tightly.  
“I don’t want to leave… But I have to know if it’s even possible.”  
Zuko was quiet and stroked my hair.   
The bird somewhere in the trees fluttered away.  
“I can understand.” Zuko muttered in my hair. Well he would, wouldn’t he? If I were to mention one other person who was going to relate to this situation it was going to be Zuko. The quest of finding our way home, and face irreversible conscience, that was the thing we certainly had in common.   
How could I make this impossible decision? How could I go, now? Or fail my other life.  
I had to cry all over again.   
Zuko just sat still and caressed me while I full on sobbed into his clothes. It was very frightening and very comfortable to be consoled for once.

Back at camp we had reassembled our ‘council’.  
“Are you sure?” Katara looked at Aang, but the question was meant for Zuko. I had filled the crew in on their next sets of action –being very careful that Azula wasn’t hearing the whole thing. I’d also told Zuko about his half sister and stepdad, and in which condition his mother was currently in, when we’d still been by the stream. I figured he needed to hear it before we got back to the group. He has taken everything overwhelmingly well, but I supposed that the reaction would manifest itself sooner rather than later.   
Aang was looking troubled.  
“So you’re saying there’s a pair of water-tribe siblings that wants to meet the ‘mother of faces’ too?”  
“Yes, deep within the forest, by the pool where you’ll need to be, there’s a man who has gotten his face stolen by Koh.” I clarified.  
“But the spirit only grants one favor?”  
“You have to convince her if you want to help the both of them. But it shouldn’t be a problem Aang. You’ll do the right thing.” I smiled encroachingly.  
“But the wolf spirit choose to talk to you…” Aang doubted himself.  
“Yeah, but only because it’s all connected to the white woods somehow. Don’t worry. You’re still the avatar.” I patted his shoulder and he nodded inattentively.   
“Okay then! We have a loooot of strange life-changing stuff to get done and not a whole lot of time to do it in. I say we get cracking.” Sokka squinted at the sun to estimate time.  
“Okay… I wish you luck.” Katara hugged me tenderly. “And take care. If I don’t see you again, I just want to thank you.” She smiled knowingly.  
“Oh. You’re welcome… But for what?” I pulled back. Friendly ‘touchy-huggy’ acknowledgements were a little out of my comfort zone.  
“For showing my friend the light.” She flicked her eyes to Zuko who was helping Aang untie Azula. She left a light and sweet perfume where she’d touched and I had to collect myself not to blush at her words. Little did Katara know that I hadn’t done squat, and Zuko would have turned out just as neat without my meddling. But the sentiment was nice.  
“Bye Kai!” Sokka embraced me from behind and lifted me off the ground.   
“Uf! You know we’re walking the same way right?” I puffed.   
“Oh! Of course I knew!” He put me down and grinned.   
The rest of our travel preparations were quickly handled, and we’d packed up camp very efficiently. I didn’t know if Zuko still had Ursa’s letter or not, but Azula didn’t try make a move either way. I padded Appa on his nose before we all marched in to the Forgetful Valley and Hira’a.

The deeper we went, the darker and denser the wood became. It was an odd mix of jungle vines and northern forest. Tall trees with markings on their bark and animals with faces painted in their skin watched us as we trotted through the uneven terrain. The tracking was tough and humid. I had difficulty with finding my footing and pain traced my movements.  
A rustling in the bushes made out troop stiffen.   
“Remember, try not to disrupt anything.” Aang insisted.  
A huge fruit-butterfly-bat-thing busted from the greeneries and we all flinched. Zuko whipped out his dao swords in a flash. Aang beamed, quickly summoned an air scooter, and shot after the bat.   
“Follow them! They’ll lead us to the pool!” I declared as I tuned. The burn reminded me of its severe presence and I had to take a second. The others overtook me in a sprint but Zuko stopped when he saw I wasn’t with them.   
“Kai?” He called a little up ahead and put his swords away.  
“Ouch... Coming!” I started in a jog but couldn’t keep from wincing. And after few steps I had to stop again. I cursed and supported myself on a tree.   
“Don’t push yourself.” Zuko said softly as he came over to steady me.   
I cursed some more and took a sharp breath.   
Then the scene hit me.  
We were alone.   
Suddenly the forest rumbled. The ground shook and I tumbled into Zuko’s arms.  
“I think this is it.” I yelled over the thunder of earth ripping apart.  
The rooted ground under us splintered and started to cave in.  
“Hold on!” Zuko shouted and gripped me tight. I did the same.  
The floor disappeared.  
Blindingly white light had replaced it.  
And then we fell. 

We plummeted towards the ground, but with everything being white, there was no chance of me estimating how far down the ground actually was. All I can say is that it was a big drop. I clung to Zuko and squeezed my eyes shot. It was the second time I’d been hurled through the air today and it wasn’t the best feeling in the world.   
Right before we collided with the white soil, we stopped. An invisible net catching us and holding us inches over the ground.   
I loosened my grip on Zuko and straightened up in the space where seemingly nothing was holding us. Then, whoever or whatever was doing it, gently sat us down. I exclaimed a sound of relief when we both stood firmly on our two feet.   
“Woah…” Zuko ran a hand through his dark hair. “That was petrifying.”  
I nodded in agreement.   
“So. We’re here.” I stood and looked around. The woods were just as empty as I’d expected it to be.  
“Do you think the others came in here too when the floor collapsed?” Zuko asked absently as he scanned the perimeter and it made my skin crawl as history repeated itself. I looked him straight in the eye and he recalled himself saying the exact same words too.  
“Oh.” He stopped dead. “Disturbing.” Zuko added in a minor cringe.   
“But what does it mean?” I touched a tree. I could get a glimpse of the lake further up ahead. “Should we go to the lake? I mean it’s not precisely like the first time we were here…” I peered at Zuko. “I mean you, are as filled in on the future now as I am here…” I tried to elucidate, but felt myself getting confused in the details. He wandered over to me.  
“You’re right. It’s very different.” Zuko stood close now and I couldn’t read his expression.  
“Whatever happens…” I started but my words ran dry. I wasn’t in any position to make promises or deal out consoling words.  
“… Yes?” Zuko breathed and bend down a fraction. I flew up in a sudden kiss despite my injury. I held his shoulders and pressed myself into his warm lips a little too hard.   
He took a second to respond, I could imagine he was a little stunned, but soon enough Zuko held me too. The kiss grew soft and deep and he ran his warm hands over my back, shoulder blades, and my neck. I moaned silently and clutched his clothes. A string of smaller impulsive kisses followed and I couldn’t bring myself to break them. The sensation was too sweet, and too good to end. It was making me wish I had turned back as the spirit had urged. Just, returned to the palace with the Gaang and Zuko’s mom. I could see us all do so many things. Playing Pa Sho in the evenings in front of the fire, listening to Zuko tell about his day. Stopping bad guys in epic flame showdowns and going on stealth missions. Sitting in the garden and watch the pink cherry blossoms stand breathtakingly against the blue sky.   
Eventually Zuko was the one pulling back.  
“Don’t say goodbye yet.” He whispered a little unevenly himself.   
We stood there a moment. Waiting for the waves of misery to subside.  
I squared my shoulders and sniffed. It would do absolutely no good in the world to wallow. I had plenty of time to do that later, and besides I felt like I had been a baby the entire day. So much whining and crying, and my heart couldn’t bear another depressing thought. Time to step up and find out what the hell was going on!   
“So… The Lake?” I asked, taking in a fresh less emotional lungful of air.  
Zuko nodded curtly and we pressed on. 

The lake was as vast and crystal blue as always. Zuko looked at the water and around the bank.  
“I’m almost afraid to say or do anything to repeat myself.” He muttered. “Is this how you feel when you know the future?” He let out a disturbed exhale.  
“Nah. It’s usually not that bad. I find, that you rarely say the same line twice.” I smiled over my shoulder at him. “Besides its fun to expect one thing and then be pleasantly surprised.” As I had been with all our conversations and some of our fights. I grinned to myself. We were really such kids back then. It felt like a long time ago already. The ship, the tentative glances.   
Now we were adults. Zuko nearing his 21th year, if he hadn’t turned it already, and me? Well that depended on which side of reality you were in. Here I was one year older than Zuko, but I had no specific birthday that I knew of. I pondered that as we walked, almost leisurely, along the lake.   
“Kai I need to ask you something…” Zuko said hesitantly.  
“Shoot.” I shrugged.  
“Is there any more secrets you’re keeping from me?”  
I frowned. Ehm yes? A lifetime of them?   
“Do you want me to walk you through your existence's story?” I threw some attitude, even though I could understand where he was coming from. I would have asked the same.  
“Not necessarily. But are there any more… Surprises?” He was referring to Ursa’s letter.  
I sighed.  
“Okay. I’m going to come clean here. After today, after we’ve found Ursa, my detailing of your life grows a little vague. I could tell you some pretty big things, and be concrete, but do you really want to know? I mean what if, it doesn’t happen because you knew it would happen. Are you curious enough to risk it?” I smirked and tilted my head.  
“You are the worst.” Zuko huffed in an equal devious smirk.  
“Hey, I’m just trying to help you out man.” I laughed, then added, “but no. I don’t know of any more personal deep dark secrets. That’s not to say there won’t be any though.” Worry crossed my face. Maybe it wasn’t a good thing that I didn’t have that much more information. I mean, what were to happen to Ozai? Would he just die quietly in prison? I doubted that. I chewed my cheek in thought, it was a bad habit. 

Unexpectedly, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of movement. I froze.  
“Zuko.” I hissed in warning. He spun around and put a hand to his swords. I fired up a flame in my palm and fixed my gaze.   
Something dark was nearing us from the woods on the other side of the lake. We could sparsely see it but it was there, and growing sharper with each moment. It occurred to me it was a person.  
I held my fire at the ready and squinted my eyes. It was a person in a tux?   
Yeah. A tuxedo, a penguin-suit a Bond uniform. I doubted Zuko had ever seen anything like that. His eyes showed no interest for the outfit, but were strong and mean, and ready for a fight. The man, I could tell now, was walking closer still but now his steps were hitting the waters surface. Like a reflective glass floor underneath him, he came closer, and then I could tell who it was.  
“Jerry…?” I asked and the astonishment made my flame dry out and evaporate.  
“You know this creature?” Zuko frowned but didn’t look away from Jerry who was wearing a polite smile. I nodded for the words had left me briefly.  
“He is the one who brought me here.” I dropped my firebending stance entirely.  
“Good evening miss.” Jerry came to a hold four meters in front of us. “How was your stay?”  
“Unexpected.” I said curtly.  
Zuko sent me a glance but Jerry ignored him and smiled wider.  
“Did the program crash?” I asked, not bothering to fill Zuko in. I could do that some other time. The butler before me was giving me chills.  
“No miss.” He bowed his head.   
“Then why didn’t you pull me out when I spoke the password or when my year was up? Or when I hit rock bottom on the road?” I snarled through gritted teeth at him and the fire lived again. I knew instantly Jerry was an enemy in this scenario. Following my vibe, Zuko readied his swords.  
“But your wish was not yet granted? Our services provide you sanatorium until the wish is fulfilled.”  
“What are you talking about? I demand an explanation!”   
“But now your wish has been satisfied. It is time to go miss.” He reached out in the empty air as if reaching for a door handle, and to my amazement he found one. An invisible handle was tuned by Jerry and the door I couldn’t see opened. On the other side of it was the white room with the dark wooden welcome disk. I took a step back and shook my head.  
“What wish?”  
Jerry flicked his white blue eyes to Zuko and I blushed.  
“It has been satisfied.” He repeated.  
“I never said anything like that to you! I only asked for a year!” I blasted a flame at him but Jerry sidestepped it faster than humanly possible, the fire fizzed in the water. I blinked.  
“We took the liberty to understand you. We know you. We granted your wish.”  
“Wish, wish, wish, you sound like a broken record! What is it that you think you’ve granted me?”   
“A undying longing. Love, as it were. One year was not enough to give you the most pleasurable of stays.” He gestured the opening he had made. “It is time to leave now, miss.”  
“And if I refuse?!” I was feeling confused and overwhelmed. Love? Such a tacky word to throw around. Undying longing? Even more so. But I couldn’t help but risk a glance at Zuko. He was not blushing in the slightest, but he looked very aggravated.  
“Nobody stays past check-out.” Jerry’s smile stiffened on his lip.  
“If you’d collected my after a year like I wanted we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But now I’m telling you. I stay.”   
“Nobody stays past check-out.” Jerry said again and inclined his head in a mechanical way. “If you do not follow willingly through the portal we will have to deactivate you, to send you back.”  
“You are gonna kill me?!? How’s that a pleasurable stay?!” I backed further away. Fear like I hadn’t known it in a long time was forcing me.  
“It will only hurt a moment miss.” Jerry bowed and before I could blink he was right in my face.   
I gasped and immediately tripped over my own feet. Zuko was attacking, swords singing in the air. Slicing at Jerry, who of course wasn’t human and therefore not bound to the physical rules of one. Jerry evaded in dreadful twists and insufferable bends. It would have shattered any human’s backbone but the butler was still smiling courteously without even breaking a sweat. I watched in pure terror.   
“Please firelord Zuko. We do not want to terminate you as it would be irreversible.” Jerry polity informed Zuko who hadn’t gotten close once.   
I mentally screamed for Aang.  
“I’ll not let you take Kai.” He said, winded but strongly.   
“Then you must be deactivated.” Jerry stopped evading and started countering. It took him three moves to have his hand around Zuko’s neck. Jerry squeezed and Zuko dropped his swords in a choke. I was hyperventilating. Scrambling to push past the panic.   
Zuko fired up flames instead and pushed Jerry back with two columns of orange roaring fire. Jerry was thrown backwards, his body bouncing on the ground and smoke hovering. I shook my head and leaped over to Zuko who was catching his breath.   
“What is that thing?” He gasped at me.  
“A machine, a-a program! A device that has a mind of its own!” I tried to explain to someone who had minimal experience with technology. Zuko couched and rubbed his neck.   
“Its strong. And I doubt we’re done.” He looked over at Jerry who had started to move in sudden jerks. He straightened, rolling from the legs and unnaturally up.   
“I don’t know how to stop it! My blood boiling won’t work because he has no blood!!” I balled my hands to fists. What could stop him?! What could deactivate Jerry instead of the other way around?! What, what, what!?! My mind raced.   
“THE DOOR!” I almost shouted ‘eureka’. “I can reprogram-“  
“Whatever you are going to do, do it now, we’re out of time.” Zuko cut me off. Jerry was rebooted and ready for round two. He flashed across the ground as a bullet. I stood besides Zuko.   
Both of us opened up an inferno of flame.  
I felt my hands and face tingle with scolding heat from our bending. I gritted my teeth. The force from the fire slid us backwards in creeps and I used all the straight I had in my body to keep balanced. My burn pulsated furiously on my hip. I had to stop. And Zuko held his fire too.   
We had carved a comet-sized canyon through the white forest. Leaving the trees singed, black or disintegrated. Far, far away from us was a smoking dot I was sure had been Jerry. We both held our breath. Had we finished him?  
Of course not. The smoking pile of Jerry stirred.  
“I’m going through the door. I can shut him down! But I’ll come back!” I shouted to Zuko while I was already running.   
.  
.  
.


	16. A bloody mess

Chapter 16: A bloody mess

I stumbled inside. My feet were wet as the door had been opened over the shallow water, and I didn’t have the creepy walk-on-water ability as Jerry.   
The air was crisper and the humming was directly digging in to my skull. I glanced back, making sure the door had remained open. It had, and Zuko was blazing another powerful fire attack in the direction of the butler. It wasn’t very effective though.  
“Computer give me the command center!” I hurried.  
“Compliant. Processing. Denied. Access overwritten.” The soft voice informed.   
I cursed and ran to the paneled white walls. I pushed a slot and the panel gave way with a smooth glide. The keyboard was from floor to ceiling and much taller than me, but that was fine. I didn’t need the top buttons anyway. My fingers clicked over the keys. Typing in any idea I could think of to access the controls to Jerry. Fire roared through the doorframe behind me.   
I opened the screen to stand in the middle of the room, a see-through square of blue light with text running over it. I dove in and transcribed as fast as I could. Red upon, red upon error codes flashed and kept me form getting inside the programs. Jerry had stripped me of any and all administration power. To guess a password would be one in a billionth-gazillions as it was mechanically generated, and I would guess, changing every 30 minutes. Not that we had that kind of time.   
It was all very ‘computer knows best fleshbag, so just give up’, and it pissed me off.   
A burst of scolding wind stood through the doorway and it made my hair whip my face.   
Zuko was making fire tornados bigger than I’ve seen him produce outside Ozai’s Comet. He was shaking off and evading Jerry, but only just and I could see the exhaustion was getting to him.  
I dove back to the controls.  
Okay, I’d tried the smart way. Now it was time to attempt the dumb one.  
I opened up for my flames and blazed at the controls. I knew further in, behind the layers of blocked cement, the fragile hardware was securely locked away. Maybe with enough heat I could destroy it. As the flames hit the wall and aggressively sprung to the ceiling. I had to turn my head to endure the hellfire. It roared and cracked the white walls, melting the keys away but nothing was catching the flames and carrying them further in.   
“Ah. Very good miss.” Jerry said pleasantly. I whipped around. “Now we can process your check-out.”  
Jerry who looked a little scruffy, had Zuko in his hand, dragging him effortlessly by his collar over the watery ground on the other side.   
“Let him go.” I sneered.  
“Yes miss.” He obeyed.  
Jerry dropped him like you would a trash bag, and proceeded to step through the door. It would seem Jerry thought our conflict settled as I was in the white room. Zuko was unconscious, or dead, I couldn’t tell and fright filled me. He was left halfway in the water outside the opening.  
I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.  
If only I could use this blasted bending for something!! I was on the verge of exploding with frustration and helplessness, when a thought occurred to me. Maybe I could…  
“Is he still alive?” I asked, trying to sound strong.  
“I would suppose so.” Jerry estimated emotionlessly.   
“If I leave quietly now. Can I come back?”   
“No.” Jerry corrected his golden nametag. “It is far too dangerous and pointless. We have decided to terminate your program indefinitely.”   
Who was this ‘we’? I wondered.   
“Then… Can I say goodbye?” My voice shook.   
Bending was flowing through my body but no flames sparked.   
“I don’t see why not if you do not leave the room.”   
I stepped over to the door opening. There I folded my knees under me. Zuko was still maybe two meter from me, his hair matted with blood. His face was cut and red.  
My bending influence increased but I’d directed it behind me.  
“Can you hear me?” I tried, wanting to jump down and pull him out of the shallows. “Are you okay?”  
Zuko couched in response. More red ran from his mouth and nose. I grimaced.   
“It’s going to be okay. Okay? Just hang on. Kata-Katara she’ll fix you right up. She’d done it before. The others has to be somewhere close.” I reasoned a little desperate. I’d almost dropped my influence in an unfocused moment, but found my way back to it. The heat. I had to concentrate on the heat. I felt out of breath. Jerry was lingering behind me. Observing something he couldn’t understand I’m sure.  
“I’m… Glad… I’m glad we got more than a year. Despite the circumstance.” I said and smiled though it felt like a wince.   
“… Me too.” Zuko breathed his words and then coughed some more. The term ‘internal bleeding’ flashed in my mind and I had to tense my body to keep focused.   
“And… I’m sorry.” I whispered.  
Time was in short supply. Zuko needed to get to a healer now.  
“… Me too. Kai… I should have been better to you…” Zuko was battling to talk.  
“No. It’s okay.” I sniffed. “It’s fine. Just… Next time a person comes to guide your spirit, be a little more open-minded.” I laughed breathlessly and sniffed again.   
“Sure.” Zuko closed his eyes.  
“I think that’s quite enough miss. I am going to close the door now.  
I glared at Jerry over my shoulder.  
“Would you just, give me a minute.” I hissed through clenched teeth. I was almost shaking with anger.  
“Miss. One minute will not make a difference-“ He started to argue.  
“It WILL TO ME!” I shot to my feet. Hate and anger blazing from my eyes. I stretched out my hand and emptied all my bending influence, without actual flames, to the spot in the room with the melted keys. I had to yell to suffer the throbbing of shooting everything I had into that spot. Behind the keyboard, through the blocks of cement, over the motherboard and on to the preservation system, which was, of course a state of the art water-cooling one. I couldn’t see what I was doing, but I felt the water boiling. Violent bobbles ripping loose the tubes and spraying water on the delicate cobber technology. A fizzing, hissing and screeching sound made its way to us. Black plastic smoke broke from behind the panels.  
Jerry dropped his polite face and frowned.  
The white lights flickered.   
He observed his hand. It flickered too.  
The humming stopped dead and a broken rattling noise took its place.  
Jerry took two long strides, grabbed me by my wrists and lifted me up.   
“What did you do?” He asked calmly but his voice was filled with motorized interference. He closed his hands on me and I heard the bones snap. Both of them. I screeched and kicked wildly, but I was hanging in the air and couldn’t reach anything. Jerry flickered again, this time it was his face.  
“We cannot allow this.” He said simply, the radio static in his voice increasing. I was still screaming. “I will now terminate you. Permanently. Please hold still.”  
I wasn’t holding still. I was twisting and thrashing in his hands even though the pain was beyond mind numbing. He now held my crushed wrists in one hand and pulled what looked like a letter-opener from his breast pocket. I continued to struggle.   
“Let me go you monster!!”  
“We cannot, miss.” Jerry’s voice slurred in the static. I kicked a flame at him but it was weak. The rattling sound of a fan turning gradually slower and a power source shutting down filled the room. A sharp pain pierced my abdomen.  
The white lights went out.  
Jerry flickered and let me go.  
I fell backwards and out the doorway, landing in the blue water. I glare at him from below and the doorway flashed with him in it. He moved to come after me but by then the program was fried and it tuned off. The picture of Jerry with a bloody letter-opener was almost comical.   
And then it was gone.   
All of it.   
Only white and blue remained.   
Nausea and dizziness rushed over me as I floated on the surface of the lake. My blood made a red cloud in the water. I gasped to catch my breath. The taste of metal sat on my lips.  
I was irritated by the fact that I was dying and thereby leaving permanently anyway. That was not the plan. I knew the others weren’t going to get to me in time. Jerry had aimed right for the center of my body and had nicked at least a few vital organs. There was no chance of me rebooting by expiring now that I had successfully destroyed the gateway. It was just pointless dying. I closed my eyes. I knew Zuko was somewhere close, and very much unconscious. I weighed my chances of getting to him before I ‘deactivated’. I came up quite short, as I couldn’t move my hands either. I snorted a laugh. So it had all been for not.  
“Well this is.. Ugh.. A little annoying..” I muttered to myself.   
Coldness claimed my limbs.  
My head prickled from the blood loss.  
I fought to keep my eyes open, but the edges of my sight turned black and stars flowed every which way. Two red spots hovered far above me. At first I wondered quite morbidly if there had been blood in my eyes.   
“Ah. Could you… Give us a hand?” I asked raspy. I didn’t hear the response before I was carried away in a warm current of what I later supposed to be ‘death’.

The prick of the needle made me jerk awake.  
I snapped up. Kumizu yelped and sprung away from me.   
In pure reflex I grabbed the syringe and ripped it out of my arm. My hands twitched painfully as I did so. The frightened doctor backed up against the wall and her eyes were round behind her glasses.  
“I don’t like needles.” I said simply and dropped the syringe on the floor.   
I was onboard a ship. I watched the view of passing ocean from the rounded windows.  
A head rush combined with piercing pain in my middle made me sway in the bed. I cursed.   
“Kai. You should let her do her job. Katara is not a complete miracle worker.” Zuko said. I tuned and winced again. At least my little burn from Azula was a piece of cake compared to rest of my agony.   
He was bandaged up pretty good too and was sitting in a sickbed besides mine. I threw off the covers and leaped over to him. Zuko blinked. A pink blush slashed on him as I got under his covers. Yeah, yeah it hurt, I could barely walk and all that, but I was just so glad he’d survived! That I had for that matter.   
Kumizu let herself out. I think she was afraid of me, but I couldn’t quite understand why. I lifted a brow at her exit.  
I could hear the waves crashing against the ship, and it made me calm somehow.  
The bed was a larger one, but it wasn’t meant for two. I was lying in Zuko’s arm. He was shirtless, and wrapped in gaze. His heart was pounding.  
“What?” I looked up at Zuko.  
“You saved my life.” He was on the brim of saying something more but dropped it.  
“Of course. You would have done the same?” I nuzzled my face in his arm. “Did they find Ursa?” I was referring to the Gaang. Zuko nodded quietly.  
“She had been to visit me a lot while you were unconscious. We’ve talked about her life… And mine. She said you were beautiful.” He cleared his throat.  
I was flattered. I didn’t believe him, or rather Ursa, entirely because my face was properly pasty pale and dark circles hollowed out my eyes.   
“Azula escaped.” He added after a moment.  
“Yeah I figured she would… I don’t think we could have prevented that… She might have an alliance with the New Ozai Society. There is maybe a plan that we’ll need to shoot down somehow before we get into port. But if Aang and the others are here then it wouldn’t be a problem.” The only problem was that very soon I would have to face Zuko’s ex and possibly work together with her. The mere thought gave me a jab of headache.  
Zuko stiffened around me.   
I didn’t want to think about all that. Maybe Azula had chosen another path.  
“That’s the, hmm, fourth time I black out and woken up to being a patient. Was I gone long?” I scrunched my nose in a scowl. “You would think I liked being lifeless around you.”  
Zuko chuckled.  
“Two days. And maybe on some level you do?”  
“Why would I like that?” I glanced in his yellow eyes. His eyebrow had been stitched up.  
“So you don’t have to be so strong all the time.” He was very serious, but I couldn’t take it that way. “I mean it Kai. Remember when you asked if I wanted to be with you?”  
“Sure.” I bit down on my cheek.  
“I’m asking you the same thing. Let me in.”   
“I- I am? I mean, I just bawled my eyes out in front of you not too long ago. That was pretty intimate?? Not to mention the whole emotional goodbye I love you thing… How much closer do you want be? I’m practically lying on top of you right now for crying out loud.” I was getting embarrassed just talking about it. I pushed myself up in a groan.  
Zuko sat up, also not entirely painlessly.   
“You never tell me how you really feel. I’ve never heard you once talk about what you’re thinking. I want to know.” He was hinting at something specific but I wasn’t sure what.  
“Then just ask for once.” I crossed my arms and regretted it because it hurt.  
“I will. If you promise not to leap out the window when I do.” He was looking at me sternly. I rolled my eyes, as to say ‘fine’, and I found I could do that without anguish.  
“How do you feel about never being able to return home?”  
I moved uncomfortably.  
“I don’t know. I just woke up… I haven’t had a chance to process it.”  
“Fair enough... Then, you questioned why they didn’t take you out ‘when you’d hit rock bottom’ to that thing. What did you mean?”  
“Well… I was alone. And a little sad after the ship exploded.” A little sad was the understatement of the year.   
“And you wanted to go home?”  
“Yeah. I mean… Sure.”  
“And you knew that I was with Aang? Why didn’t you just seek us out? I know I was wrong to tell you not to follow us, but was that really all it took to stop you?” He was frowning. Not letting this conversation end. I scratched the back of my head. It felt like there was dried blood in my hair.   
“I’ve told you. I didn’t want to mess with the order of things. You had to realize some things without me being there.”  
I was itching to just get through this so we could kiss or fool around or just be done with ‘the heavy’.   
“But you were there. I thought of you every day. Every decision I made I couldn’t stop myself from wondering ‘what would Kai do’. It was very irritation for a long period of time... And I missed you.”  
“That’s…” I was a little surprised. And yet it felt like we’d spoken of this before. “Okay. If you’re being this honest I should too… I wasn’t a little sad. I was devastated.” I sighed slightly letting go of the hardness in my tone. “You hurt me.”  
“I know…” He’d apologized for that before.   
“And I thought you didn’t even like me. That I was the only one having feelings.”   
“That wasn’t very observant.” He said but it was gentle.   
“Maybe not. But you’re not that articulate about those things.” I felt myself look wry.   
The sun was low in the horizon over the ocean. It was red and pink between a pair of green mountains. I couldn’t say where we were exactly but I recognized the firenation.  
“You’re smart. And stunning. And powerful. And funny. And stupid.” Zuko smirked at me.  
I breathed out a timid laugh.   
He leaned over a bit and tucked a stand of my blond hair behind my ear.  
“And you have the loveliest laugh.” He kissed me, warily, because he had a cut on the corner of his lip.   
“I feel the same about you.” I said against his lips.   
“You’re never articulate about those things.” He smirked a little against mine. I drew back and held his face determinately.  
“Because your ego can’t bear it.” I lectured. Then added softer and more thoughtfully. ”But I think you have the most striking eyes in all the worlds.” I let go of him. It was getting cheesy.  
They caught the evening light and the amber in the yellow irises played.   
Zuko looked down.   
Now he was blushing for real. I grinned. It was why I loved him so much. Not only was he brave and honorable and handsome, but also, he was just the right amount of endearing. That made me feel on top sometimes and the whole power balance was restored.  
“And I also like you shirtless.” I poked him playfully to lighten up the mood even more.   
“I know that.” He arrogantly shrugged a tiny bit. “I remember you walking in on me changing one morning on the ship. You couldn’t look me in the eye for a week.” He grinned deviously.   
I smacked my glowing cheeks.  
“You knew?!?!” I screeched mortified.  
“Ehm, yeah? You were trying so hard to avoid me that it was impressive. You were seriously hilarious.” Zuko laughed into his hand.   
“Ugh. Don’t mock me! It’s not like you were any better!”  
Zuko shut up.  
“The fight with the assassin on the roof, where my dress untied. You should have seen your face. That was funny!” It was my time to laugh. After a moment Zuko joined in with a chortle.   
We caught each other’s eyes.  
The atmosphere changed slightly.  
“Did you ever… You know, have any other girls onboard the ship?”  
He looked at me questionably. I honestly didn’t know everything, everything. He might have.   
“No. I had other things on my mind… Why do you ask?”  
“Curious.” My hands wandered over the covers.   
I was sincerely curious. The ship had been such a ‘rocky’ time, but it had also been the most dynamic in our relationship, maybe even the most fun, and a part of me regretted not just making something happen between us. But then again… As Zuko put it, he did have a lot else on his mind. It was almost challenging to recall how cold he’d been to me back then.   
“But I spent a lot of time deciding against walking to your door.”  
He carefully moved closer.  
Perhaps us being back on the water in a metal box, far away from great halls and watchful eyes provoked my next set of actions.  
“… What would you have done if you hadn’t decided against it?” I pried.  
Zuko was still. I edged on to saddle his lap. Slowly. He caught on.  
“I would have ordered you to kiss me probably.” Zuko didn’t look like that was entirely a lie. I bit my lip the tiniest bit and then kissed him softly. My wrists hurt but they weren’t broken. My midsection screamed, but wasn’t bleeding and my burn stung, but I could push it down. I right now I was thinking about some very dissimilar sensations.   
“Then?” I pecked his neck. It had a dark palm-shaped bruise.  
“Maybe undressed you.” Zuko ran his fingers over my collarbone and under the silk wrap dress I was wearing. I sighed a little restrained.  
“I would touch you.” His other warm hand slid over my thighs and under the hem of the dress. I loosely grabbed a handful of his soft hair and kissed his shoulder.   
“That night, before the detonation, I was in your room. Why didn’t you?” I exhaled and then didn’t say anymore because he was making it impossible for me to say anything other than incoherent sounds. I let my head fall back.  
“I was stupid.” Zuko muttered faintly against my chest.   
His fingers made me moan quietly.   
If only we’d been in mint condition.  
Suddenly I gasped and curled up. Pain from the fight made its arrival crystal clear. The stab wound wasn’t having it. Neither did Zuko’s injuries; he looked worn-out and battered too.   
I had to wince and we pulled a little apart.   
We both let out a vaguely irritated breath. Again unpredictable circumstance kept us from doing ‘the adult thing’. I looked out the window and the sun had gone from the sky. Only its light was faintly coloring the horizon.  
“How long until we arrive at the palace?” I was still sitting on top of him, and I had to change the subject not to pounce him and set our recovery back.  
“A week at the most.” He took a strand of my hair and absently wound it around his finger. He studied it silently.   
“Yue. The moon spirit had white hair.” He recalled.  
“Yes. She got it from the moon itself as a kid.”  
“Did you get yours from the sun then?” I wasn’t sure if he was serious.  
“I got it from my mom, who got it from her parents and so on. Blond hair isn’t that special in my world. A lot of folks just color it, but I’m from the north and there it’s pretty genetically common.” I babbled not thinking too hard about if he understood.  
“North?” He was intrigued.   
“Ehm. Well. Since I’m not going back now… I guess I can tell you pretty much everything…” I looked unsurely at him. “If you’d want to know...”   
“I do.”   
I slid off him and we lay back in bed. I started telling him about our world -about the technology, about clocks, about my family and my country. I didn’t mention that his entire world was the fantasy of someone in mine. That seemed like unnecessary info at this point. And what more was, I wasn’t even sure it was still true. I’d also been quite vague about the whole ‘white room with Jerry thing’. Zuko curiously glanced down at me once in a while.  
I talked and talked until I slurred and my eyes kept insisting on long blinks. It was a huge burden off my shoulders to tell somebody about my place, and quite pleasant to reminisce myself. It had been three years since I’d been home, and now it was going to be forever.   
When I was nearing the end I had given up on opening my eyes. I felt Zuko fiddled faintly with my hair. The story, my story, was finally told and it had taken hours.  
“And then I was in your broom closet.” I yawned.   
He was thoughtful.   
“Kai. I cannot even begin to understand everything you’ve just said. It… It sounds like a tale from a book.”  
I snickered at that.  
“A boring one. I had no epic missions or flying bison.”  
“Maybe not. But to have technology that connects everyone on your planet, instantly, sounds pretty wild. And your family, to just be there for them as you’ve been… I feel like I can finally see who you are.”  
“I was never invisible.” I was selfishly drifting off.  
“No, you weren’t.” He hugged me and let me go.  
I think I had a wonderful grand idea right as slumber took my hand, but it had disappeared before a night of dreamless sleep finally claimed me. Don’t you just hate that?

Waves splashed with white foam as the ship cut through them.   
This was a ship, I’ll tell you that! It was decorated lavishly and it was really seriously GIGANTIC. I thought of the ships in Zhao’s harbor way back, and how I felt those were big ships. This was a palace on water. It had twenty royal chambers, forty lesser lord ones, and over a hundred employ chambers. Not to mention the bathing, living and dining areas.  
I was standing at the bow of the ship, looking down on crashing water and the mixed-with-something-dolphins. We were a few days away from the royal port and had only been so long underway because we had to stop for medical supplies earlier on when I was still ‘out cold’.   
“Good to see you out of bed.” Katara walked up to me.  
“Oh. Yeah it’s thanks to you.” I shrugged in a smile. “We would have been done for if the wolf spirit hadn’t dropped us off at Hira’a.”  
“It was pretty bad.” She agreed, and then looked guilty.  
“Hey now. It wasn’t your fight. I’m just glad you could patch us up. Especially Zuko.” I patted her arm.  
“You were the one whose life hung in the balance Kai.” She said firmly.  
“But he is the firenation’s only hope.” And it’s not like anybody truly depend on me here, I added darkly and mentally. I had been somewhat a gloomier version of myself since the chat with Zuko. I’d realized that everyone I knew before, might as well be dead. Even though they weren’t, I wasn’t going to meet them again, and that was pretty final. As Zuko bonded with his newly found family, I egoistically mourned the loss of mine.  
“You are just as important.” She offered and took my hand. I looked at the small fishing boats passing by our ship and the men waved up to us.   
“Yeah…” I withdrew in a sigh. “You know. I’m starting to feel a little exhausted. I’m going below. Thanks again Katara.” I cast her a smile, but it wasn’t my best.  
I had to admit that I was spending most of my depressing me-time in the ‘spa’. I was never a spa person in my world, but in here, big fan! Filled to the brim with hot rocks, steaming pools, mud and scrubs the place was a welcome embrace. And with the stocked refreshing bar I had the revitalizing time of my life. Hey, I needed to give my injuries some rest. Doctor’s orders!  
The sanatorium even had a swimming pool for exercise. I mainly just floated around in it and thinking about my place in the universe.  
And the best thing, No one ever bothered me there. I was the only one using the facilities and the staff had quickly realized that I didn’t want them there. Yeah, yeah, poor guys only doing their job blabla, but it is a pain in the butt to have people wanting to help you dry off all the time. I’m a firebender for the love of God. It takes like a second to get dry!   
I stripped off my clothes and walking in to the pool of green water. I had no idea what it was but my guess was an herb bath of some kind. It gave off a fragrance of peppermint and lemon and I was all for that. I sighed as the foggy water came up to my chin.   
I’d poured myself a glass of watermelon juice with a splash of firenation liquor in to take the edge off. No I wasn’t an alcoholic, I was on ‘vacation’.   
I sipped my drink and put a cold rag on my head. The melting feeling of warm water and the twinge of alcohol was just what I needed. I closed my eyes. Soon the peace would end and the next adventure swipe us away, but for now I didn’t have to be anywhere, but here.  
The room was abandoned, as always, and so being naked wasn’t a problem –until someone walked in.  
I snapped my eyes open as the door opened with a metallic cry.  
It was Zuko and he was dressed like the firelord and looked very… happy? That was a clash I thought and relaxed again. He had seen me naked before.  
“My mother sends her greetings.” He strolled over to me and I heard the heavy cape hit the floor. It was always the first thing to go when we were alone.  
“That’s nice. I think she’s kind.” I mumbled and sipped the juice.  
“Yes she is. Your cheeks are all red.” He said and kneeled by the pool in the floor. I looked up at him. “Aren’t you nervous someone might see you?” He asked and glanced at my bare shoulders sticking up over the water.  
“I was just thinking about that. And I decided on ‘no’. I don’t think anyone dares to come in here anyway.” I rolled my eyes.  
“You’re properly right. The servants always seem terrified of you. What do you say to them?”   
“I’m not saying anything.”  
“Then it must just be the clouds of gloom that scares them off. Are you okay?” He asked and took a sip from my glass. He made a face. “Isn’t it a little early for that?”  
“I’m fine. And I’ve decided that if I can’t train -I’m on vacation. It’s past noon.” I pontificated. “You should join me.” I got up to refill the glass. The water rushed off me. I could sense his eyes on my wet figure and it made me feel very smug. I poured two glasses by the bar, and to my surprise Zuko undressed. He stepped in the water, looking quite smug himself, and I followed him with the icy juices.  
“I haven’t had a vacation since before my coronation.”   
I knew. It had been a lot of lovey-dovy time with Mai on Ember Island as I recalled.   
“Then it’s time.” I handed him a glass and Zuko relaxed in the water breathing a small orb of fire. I glided over to him and carefully took out his hair. It had gotten long and almost brushed on his shoulders. The bruises were all faded to yellow instead of black.  
We sipped in silence. Listening to the ship and the drip of water. I bended the water a little warmer with a turn of my hand and steam danced on the surface. Zuko sighed and closed his eyes.   
“Don’t get me wrong but can you completely control it now?” He asked quietly.  
“How do you think I saved us from Jerry?” I put my empty glass away.  
“Actually I don’t know? I guessed the wolf spirit gave you a hand.”  
I dropped my jaw.  
“Yeah he got us to Katara! But I defeated Jerry all by myself mister ‘I’ll just lie in the shallows and pass out’! I destroyed the program, remember?”  
“Oh. How?”  
“I boiled the water in a box that can’t function when having water all over it.” I stated flatly.   
“That’s amazing Kai.” Zuko grabbed me and held me to him in a playful move. It was unlike him. I snaked around and peered at Zuko. He kissed me when I did.  
“Did something happen?” I asked a little inquisitive.   
“Everything is finally as it should be.” He had a crooked smile as he rested his head back on the pools rim. I floated on top of him in the water.   
The hawk with Mai’s warning about the New Ozai Society could come any day now and I was trying to find the right moment to break it to Zuko. This wasn’t it.  
“How so?” I caressed his neck where a shadow of fingers lingered.  
“Just… It’s right for once.”   
He stole a kiss. We sunk into it. It was sweet from the drink and my tongue tingled. Zuko pulled me closer through the water. I felt his body on mine, the breathing rising in his chest, the movement of muscles and his warmth in the embrace. Steam rose in a twisting ring around us. It lifted our hair faintly. I wasn’t completely aware that I was causing it. My hands wandered over his collarbones and slowly further down. We caught our breath in gasps and dove into another deep kiss. This one was persistent and impassioned.   
Nothing was going to interrupt us. We gave in completely.  
I felt the heat and the liquor made my mind dazed. Zuko held the small of my back and breathed hotly on to my jaw. I moaned and my fingers touched his lips. His corner tooth gleamed as he gently bit my hand. The sensation sent chilled up my spine.   
I tilted my hips nearer him. And we found each other’s mouths again.   
Effortlessly we moved in the water. 

The white steam stood out on the hallway in a perfect square when we opened the door. We were both flushed with the heat and the… Well. And we were wearing bathrobes, as it was impossible to see anything inside. Much less our clothes sprawled somewhere on the floor. Zuko rustled his hair, and dripping water everywhere and I was tying mine up in a bun. The air was wonderfully cool out in the hall in comparison.   
“I didn’t know we had a steam room!?” Sokka walked down the corridor. “Why didn’t anybody tell me that?!” He exclaimed.   
When we didn’t immediately reply Sokka assed the situation.   
“We don’t.” Zuko cleared his throat.  
I bit down on my lip to stop an explosive laughter.  
“Oh… OH!” Sokka stumbled back. He looked at me then at Zuko, then at me again. I guessed that we looked a little guilty and a lot happy.   
“So are you Kai’s boyfriend?!” Sokka asked as he picked up his jaw from the floor.  
Zuko and I exchanged a glance. We hadn’t really talked it over in boyfriend/girlfriend terms. But if we weren’t that, I had no idea what else to call it. Lovers? Eck! No thanks.  
I shrugged and nodded.  
“I am.” He confirmed without humor.  
“Woaw…” Sokka looked like someone had smacked him then shook it off. ”I guess it makes sense. You have been hanging out a lot and you guys are pretty much the same person so… Okay I don’t know what to do with this information, so I’ll just suppress that I have it, until I can deal with it.” Sokka rubbed his face and then continued.  
“Actually… I was really on my way looking for you both. A hawk from… Eh… Yeah… Mai has arrived.” He looked a little awkward.  
Zuko glanced down at me.  
“I already know what it is. It’s semi-important business.” I waved my hand at him.  
“Okay.” He said raspy, and then gave me an unexpected peck on the cheek. Both Sokka and me froze slightly.  
“That, I’m not okay with.” Sokka stuck his tongue out. “I can’t handle anymore sickly love on this ship! I already have to deal with ´sweetie’ and ´moon flower´.” A visible shiver ran through him.  
“Don’t be such a child.” I wacked him over the head lightly.  
“We’ll try to keep the nicknames to a minimal.” Zuko smiled gently. “I’ll go change and meet you on the bridge.” He said to Sokka who was scratching his head and mumbling irritated things as he walked back the way he came.  
“Don’t call me any nicknames please.” I frowned up at Zuko as he and I walked to the chambers together. Ours were besides each other.  
“What? You don’t wanna be my sunflower?” he asked sarcastically. I made a face.  
“No thank you. But you can be my honey bun?” I grinned, and Zuko smiled in a cringe.   
“I’d rather not.” He tapped his chin. “You could be ‘my love’?” He asked. I breathed out a snicker because I thought he was still joking around.  
“I didn’t know you wanted that kind of thing. I mean I thought you were a more ‘on the down low’ kinda guy?” We passed a hallway and stopped at our quarters.  
“I don’t know exactly what that means, but…” He leaned on the doorframe. “That is what you are.”  
“That’s a charming statement.” I glanced at my feet unsure of how to react. I wasn’t good with explicit ‘romance’ like that. I was better at suppressed emotions and passionate sneaking around.  
“What?” He snapped his head up curious.  
“It’s… Daunting to hear you say stuff like that when we’re not in immediate danger or as an effect of one of our fights.” I rubbed my arm. “Shouldn’t you be on the bridge?” I asked as an exit.  
Zuko looked slighted but then shrugged.  
“Perhaps, but I figured that you already know what the message is about, and you don’t act like the palace is burning down. It couldn’t be that imperative that I attend to the hawk straightway.” His tone was formal but his face was a little bitter.  
“You don’t have to get all firelord-y.” I crossed my arms.  
“Apparently I can’t seem to talk appropriately to you at all.” Extremely passively aggressively, Zuko opened his door. I narrowed my eyes.  
“Hey! I don’t want to fight!” I puffed.  
“No? Well too bad.” He walked inside and shut the door. I was stupefied.   
“What the hell just happened?!” I cursed some more and threw open my own door.  
.  
.  
.


	17. Hide and seek

Chapter 17: Hide and seek

Everybody had been gathered on the bridge after Zuko had read Mai’s warning. I had told them that not only were there an ambush set up at the royal gateway, but furthermore there was a leak on the inside. Someone was tattling to the New Ozai Society and I knew that Kei Lo, Mai’s current boyfriend, couldn’t be the only one. I had also disclosed that the Kemurikage was in fact Azula and her new ‘closed wing’ crowd, trying to psyche Zuko into ruling the nation with fear.   
There had been different reactions, varying from anger to worry, but the one that had stood out to me had been Zuko’s cold look to the sea. He was feeling threatened, and I was questioning whether or not to tell him that Azula wasn’t actually that crazy anymore. I’d hoped we had redirect the current of events but Azula leading the fake Kemurikage had to be part of somewhat of a cosmic plan that I couldn’t seem to avoid. However what could be avoided was the kidnappings of firenation children and Zuko chipping off a piece of trust from his people.   
We set up plans that encouraged evacuation for families with kids on the main island and arranged for Ursa and her family to stay at a country house outside the city with a the Kyoshi worriers as bodyguards. There they would ‘vacation’ the next few mounts until the whole thing blew over. I could see Zuko hating the idea of his mom, and Kiyi especially, being away from him but this was a move Azula in no way would have seen coming. I for one thought Ursa looked a little relived to not live in the palace right away.

“The submarine idea is good Sokka, but they’ll expect it.” I was leaning over the conference table with a map under my elbows and the hands on my cheeks. It was just so damned hard to find something that could be sufficiently surprising and not crazy.  
“I’m telling you Kai, it’s the only way! How else are you going to sneak a bunch of people on to the island?!” Sokka threw his hands up.  
“What about in the air? Appa?” I sighed and laid my head on the table.  
“No no no. You know they will concur the royal gateway and then use the flame-throwing-canon-things to shoot us down! Believe me I tried that with Katara and Aang. You don’t want that!” He argued.   
Zuko hovered by the window, and Aang and Katara was standing outside on the balcony –already bored with Sokka and me arguing. I pressed my nose against the map.   
“What about secret boats in the night?” I asked exhaustedly.  
“The rocks will crush us before we reach port.” Zuko said and then held his chin in deep thought. “But… in small boats we could use the tide to our advantage. They wouldn’t be able to attack on the water.”  
“Tides? Wait! CAVES!” I exclaimed and sprung to my feet. It made Zuko blink.   
“What caves?” Sokka inquired.   
“We need to sneak Ursa, Kiyi and your… stepdad?” I stopped in a question, shook it off and continued. “…Over to the other side of the main island, right? Suki and the other warriors can meet us at the safe house I guess. But then you and these guys will escort them through the caves. Little boats, dead of night and underground! Safe and hidden!” I sat my hands to my hips and triumphed.   
“We’ll need a map of the caves and you are coming too Kai.” Zuko swung on his cape, which had been draped over a chair.  
“Why do I need to come? The fewer the better if you don’t wanna be spotted.”   
“Boiling multiple enemies at once isn’t a battle asset I’m willing to give up.” He said and shot me a narrow look. Good to know, he was still pissed for some reason.  
“Whatever you command firelord.” I wrung sarcastically and threw in a taunting bow for free.   
“You will excuse me. I have some vital business to attend.” He said almost as mockingly, then clasped on the cape.   
Sokka flicked his eyes to me as Zuko stormed out in a huff.  
“I thought you guys were all…” Sokka gestured a smooch and a hug.   
“We’re fighting.” I threw myself in a chair.   
“Again? Jeez. What’s it about this time? Maybe I can give some advice?” Sokka slicked his hair back in an overly-confident move.  
“I have a hard time expressing romance, and he is taking it to heart.” I said through clenched teeth.  
“Really? Zuko is a romantic guy?”  
“Yeah, right?! Who would’ve known! And just because I don’t go around flaunting it like those two,” I pointed out at Aang who was putting a flower in Katara’s hair “I mean, come-on! It doesn’t mean I don’t love him!”   
“So what do you think the real problem is?” Sokka had snatched a pair of reading glasses off a shelf behind him and was pushing them up on his nose. He looked like a dork but in a charming way. I smiled for myself then sighed annoyingly as I found the answer.  
“I think the problem is that I have to say I’m sorry.”   
I pinched the brim of my nose.  
“But how?” I grumbled.   
“When me and Suki have a fight, we usually just talk it through and then, you know, make out.” He shrugged. That wasn’t a bad idea. But I already knew how that conversation would go, and I was willing to bet on it casting off another fight. Sokka studied my lack of enthusiasm for his suggestion.   
“Or, you could just show an apology? Like, with the romantic things?”  
“You make it sound so easy. I don’t do the rose petal stuff because it’s tacky and overdone.” But Sokka did have a point. I could show him. Set up something that could prove I was sorry and without it being tasteless or overload adult-time. Something that was nice and sweet and displayed that I could stand to be explicit without too much awkwardness. I bit my lip in deep thought.  
Something amazing… 

I gently knocked on the doorframe to Zuko’s workplace. He stood with his back to me and leaned over small heaps of scrolls and maps. Zuko cast a glance over his shoulder and the resumed to look at the stacks of paper.   
“Can I help you Spirit guide?” He asked dryly.  
“Enough with the cold formalities. Do you have a minute?”  
“Rarely.” He replied without regarding me. I pushed my lips.   
“Just come on.”   
“Kai. We are six hours from departure and I have a lot to look over before I send my only non-insane family out boats that could splinter at the mindless will of cliffs and ocean. Not to mention that if I succeed I will properly be assaulted by my other family that is in fact insane.” Zuko said, perhaps a bit pressured.  
“Six hours is not that little when you have a team of four able people and the avatar.” I walked over to him and hugged his shoulders from behind. “I need to show you something. Then you can go back to driving yourself up the wall, okay?”  
Without a word he relaxed a bit. I grabbed his hand and towed him along.  
“Where are we going?” Zuko glanced back to his desk. I opened up the airlock door to the balcony outside his office.   
It was just passed sundown and the sky looked endlessly azure blue above. I put his hand on the railing and mine on top.   
“I always go out to look at the sky when I feel alone.”   
Zuko flicked his yellow eyes to me.   
“I don’t have any pictures of my family… Sometimes I have a hard time recalling exactly how they look like. But out here is doesn’t seem so bad. The sky is the same.” I watched the faint stars twinkle to life.  
“And they remind me of the first time we talked. Like really talked.” I smiled to myself and pushed past the feeling of embracement. “The first time you held me and encouraged me to firebend.” I pointed to a candle I had sat far down below on deck on a small tea table.   
“Watch it.” I murmured and grabbed the railing. I focused on the heat in the wick -the scorching element in the molecules them selves. I made the water completely evaporate from the wick. I’m sure concentration was straining my face. Then the combustion took place. A sudden ignition made the orange flame spark and stand lively on top of the candle.   
Zuko dropped his jaw a little. I suppressed the smugness that tugged on my lip.  
“In the time I’ve been too sore to train my stances, I explored my long range moves. This one is new. I found out that I don’t necessarily need to ‘shoot’ fire. I can bend it at my will from a distance.” I blew out a lenient breath.  
“So… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings… I wouldn’t even be here is it weren’t for you, and your influence makes me want to be better. A better bender, but also a better person, even if I don’t say it in so many words… I care so much about you that it’s ridiculous, really.” I tore my gaze away from the tiny flame far below and lifted it to Zuko. He was still comically stunned.   
“H-how? How did you..?” He pointed and I regretted leading with that.   
“Fire-boiling. My specialty I suppose.” I was somewhat slighted that he didn’t respond directly to my confession of love and heartfelt apology.   
“But there’s no water?” He almost stuttered.   
“Everywhere has water, even the air. If something gets dry and hot enough, it lights. I can’t ignite the air just yet though. Were you listening to what I said?”   
He slowly turned to me, still a little shaken up.   
“Sorry. Yes. I heard...” Zuko blinked and focused. He pulled me in to a gentle hug. “I’m not used to being in the receiving end of an apology. I forgive you.” As he said that I relaxed in to the hug. “And I care a ridicules amount about you too.” He chuckled into my hair.  
I pulled back.  
“So we’re cool?”   
“Cool?” He lifted his brow. I realized it was my otherworldly slang slipping through and also that it was a quite contradicting thing to say to a firebender.  
“Yeah, like, we don’t have an issue anymore?” I tugged a lock of hair behind my ear. It was getting too long and blew in my face constantly.  
“Then, yes, we’re very cool.” He kissed my cheek. I didn’t mind that he used the slang wrong, because he was right. I could bend freaking fire with my mind and he was the firelord. I agreed, we were indeed very cool.

“This is what we’ve all been waiting for. START OPARATION CAVE-SNEAK!” Sokka ordered to us all a bit too loud. Me, Zuko, Aang, Katara and the almost-royal family were all gathered around him and his blackboard, waiting for Sokka to summarize our plan. Really anyone of us could have done it, but Sokka was very insistent and we all felt a little bad for him because of his bend-less situation. Of course no one would ever say that out loud!  
The deck was dark, as we’d put out all the lights on the ship before it neared the coast. Now the only thing missing was the tide, and it was already drawing away from shore gradually.   
“Maybe you shouldn’t shout that we are sneaking through the caves Sokka?” Katara rolled her eyes.  
“Maybe you shouldn’t interfere with the command of a war hero?” Sokka pushed his lips. “And on we go, Aang and I go first through the cavern pass, making sure the coast is clear, then Zuko and your mom, sister and Norren take up the middle, Katara and Kai you are in the end to keep our tail free from trouble! We’ll exit in the drip caverns of the outskirts of this village.” Sokka pointed the hilt of his sword on the map. He was actually pretty collected and motivated once he got started, and the years had made him handsome in a boyish way. “That’s where Suki and the Kyoshi Warriors will take over the escorting of you guys to a safe house.” He nodded at Ursa, Norren and Kiyi who all looked like they got the plan. Kiyi looked especially determined and I admired that a kid could be this brave -felt a little sorry for her too. It seemed harsh that her peaceful childhood was so suddenly interrupted with spirits and assassins.   
“It’s simple and hopefully without danger.” Zuko said. He was out of the firelord clothes and in his ‘road-outfit’ which still suited him.   
He caught me staring and I quickly glanced away. When I flicked back to him he was looking mighty smug for a minute.  
“Good we’re all on the same page here. Everyone take care of each other and be watchful, we don’t know if Azula and her lot is expecting us.” Zuko said then turned to his family. “But even if they are, we have the avatar and some of the strongest benders in the world with us.” He gestured Katara and me. I felt surprised and proud. 

Once you leave a bigger ship and sit in a dingy, you instantly remember how unstable and unnatural they feel. The water splashed over the sides in small waves and when anybody moved in the boat, the boat moved with them. The sky was black and the water even more so.   
We used Aang’s silent fog to create a cover around us, and Katara guided the boat in the water. It was still a terrifying task to maneuver around the shadowy cliffs and shallow reefs despite her being a master waterbender. Kiyi was in the front, held on to by Norren, and she squinted her eyes and spotted the rocks up head. The girl had guts. Sokka helped her, whispering observations to Katara so she could carry us safely toward the steep cliff wall. There a cave sat, half drowned, when the tides came in again it would flood, but for now we could just fit through. I ducked down, and felt minor tremors of claustrophobia sneak up on me. The edges of the boat scraped the celling and we all flattened ourselves against the bottom of the boat. I had to ignore the thought of tons and tons of solid stone weighing down on the cave and the possibility of black water drowning us under rocks. A shiver shot through me. I think Zuko noticed because in that moment he grabbed my hand.  
The water sloshed and splashed in the cavern’s dark nooks. While we sailed on, the celling seemed to rise, but as it did, the light from the moon was dwindling. Before long we could sit normally again but I had never experienced darkness as thick as this. It was like a coffin to me. I would have freaked out even more if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had someone who could control all four elements onboard. Hard to drown when you can just bend humungous air bobbles.  
“We should be far enough in now, I’ll get us some light.” Zuko said and I had to breath an extra time before I let his hand go. “If you close your eyes and get used to the light slowly, it wouldn’t blind you.” He said close to me.   
Orange colored the inside of my lids, I sneaked a peak. Zuko reached for the red lantern at the stern and it cast its glow on the mirror of the water and up the cavern walls. I had believed that the celling was perhaps one meter above us, but when I looked up it was a pitch-black hole not even the lantern’s light could reach. The eerily sound of waves and dripping echoed up, and up, and up to the celling a world away from us.  
I gripped Zuko’s hand again, not caring who might see it.   
“I see the beach!” Kiyi said and her high-pitched voice ricocheted off the stones. She smacked her small hands over her mouth.  
“You’re right Kiyi.” Aang said in a grin and jumped off the boat. He danced on the surface of the water with airbending to help him across. There he landed on the rocks, scouting ahead with a fire in his palm. Katara pushed our company along too.   
“All clear.” Aang said as we reached him. I was about to step out of the boat when I noticed I was still holding on to Zuko’s hand. I let go but he gave me the smallest of squeezes before he dropped mine too. I didn’t want to show it, but the gesture made my chest flutter.  
The stones and gravel grinded together under our feet as we ventured into a broad tunnel. Small white insects and eyeless crabs scattered as soon as the light hit the cavern walls. Me, Zuko and Aang were lighting our caravan. No one spoke for a long time, then Kiyi fell back and walked besides me.   
“Is it true you’re a good firebender?” She asked a bit suspiciously.  
“Sometimes.” I shrugged in a smile down to her.   
“Were you always god then?” She inquired and I could see what she was wondering about.  
“No. The first time I bended, I set your brother on fire.”  
“On purpose?” Her eyes grew round.  
“Not entirely.” I tapped my chin then smirked. “But he sure did deserve it.” I didn’t know if Zuko heard us or not, but either way it was true.   
The gravel leveled out to solid stone floor and the celling began to seek the ground again. I had to duck a few places, but Kiyi was of course walking without noticing it.   
“Is it true the Kemurikage are spirits that kidnap naughty children?” Kiyi asked a little lower.   
“Where did you hear that?!” Ursa whipped around.  
“I read it!” Kiyi snapped at her mother. “I’m not a little baby anymore! I can read you know.” She said up to me. I caught Ursa’s worried expression and sighed.  
“Can you bend too Kiyi?” I took her small palm, as there was a deep crack in the floor we had to cross.  
“No. I wish I could do it like Zuko can.” She looked sourly away. I knew that Kiyi had very powerful firebending potential and I thought of offering her some teaching time when we’d dealt with Azula, but of course I would have to ask Ursa first. That woman was a deeply traumatized pile of nerves and angst -which I could totally understand after being married to a sadist like Ozai. I felt a shiver go thought me again. Still, Kiyi should be taught bending sooner rather than later so she wouldn’t accidentally burn her room down in a teenage temper.  
“Who knows what you are capable of.” I said mischievously and stroked the top of her soft head.   
“Is it true you are going to marry my brother?” Kiyi asked as her eyes wandered along the walls. I had to clear my throat before I could answer.  
“Where did you get that idea?” I hoped my face had regained its normality and that Zuko wasn’t listening in. I still had absolutely no interest in being any kind of firenation queen or whatever.   
“Because you are best friends and my dad says that he is the luckiest man in the world because he got to marry his best friend.” She said plainly. I had to snicker.  
“Then I suggest Zuko should marry Sokka instead.” I grinned.  
“No Sokka has a girlfriend. You can’t marry anybody who has a girlfriend.”  
“You’re right again Kiyi.” I laughed and I heard Katara giggle behind us.

Time passed and the anxiety among us faded as no one had attacked us yet. Night had surly turned to dawn above. We were all getting tired and Norren was carrying Kiyi, who was fast asleep and even snored peacefully, on his back in a sling. Ursa had offered to carry her first but Kiyi was fighting against Ursa’s embrace, even in her drowsiness. My heart gave a little twinge at that. It wasn’t easy being a mother with a new face.   
Finally we saw the first light cast on the stone from a crossing tunnel.   
“We’re here!” Katara sounded relived.   
“Okay, I’ll go with Zuko and see if Suki and the others are here too.” Aang made an air scooter and flew out the cave with Zuko at his heels. Sokka stood hidden in the cave exit and kept watch. Norren hugged Ursa and patted her back. He seemed like a really good man.  
“Are you and Sokka going to the pole after this?” I asked to make small-talk.  
“Yes, actually our dad is expecting us.” She smiled surprised at me. “I really miss him, but I also want to be here for Zuko, thought, I don’t think he really needs us that much.”  
We stood further in the cave than the others.  
“By the way, are you going to make it official or should we all still pretend we don’t know?” Her blue eyes gleamed playfully in her tan face.   
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Besides, you guys are his friends, of course he needs you, always.”   
“Okay, okay.” She snickered and backed off. “I’m going to see if they need some help out there.”  
“Sure. You know, I get why Sokka think’s you’re a little nosey.” I called after her in a laugh.  
I had my back to the dark tunnel.  
Sokka laughed at my comment and jumped out the exit to greet Suki.  
It was a great and wonderful thing to be a part of this, I thought. I saw the Kyoshi Warriors helped Norren and ursa over the small drop and out in to the sunlight. I was just about to join, as I was the last one left. But I didn’t see much else.  
A sudden cloud came around my face and I couched.   
I tried to call for the others but then it was lights out.

My brain buzzed like angry insects were trying to drill through my skull. The red and orange lanterns made the room look like the inside of a volcano.   
“Azula.” I hissed, suspecting her to be in the interrogation room with me. I moved but I was tied to a chair. “Let me go you nut-job!”  
“Déjà vu, wouldn’t you say? Of course it’s the other way around but still. The first time you met me I was fixed like you are now, but at least I’d kept my manners.” Her voice was coming from behind me.  
“You must not be a very good fortuneteller if you couldn’t even foresee your own demise.” Azula filed a nail as she smugly stepped in front of me.  
“What’s the plan here? Have I taken Kiyi’s place?” I asked and tried to bend my hand so I could cast a flame onto the rope. But they were bound with a firebender’s tricks in mind.   
“Well you should know already oracle, shouldn’t you?” Azula wandered to the metal door, a set of golden keys twirling on her finger.  
“I know you won’t get away with whatever your planning, and since we on the topic of knowledge, you should know that only reason that you’re still alive right now is because you’re Zuko’s sister and he, for some unfathomably reason, would be upset if I killed you.”   
“Oh.” She drew her brows. “How are you going to kill me if you can’t move?” She sneered.  
It pushed my buttons. I started to dip into my bending, trying to give her a taste of what she should expect of me. But after a moment still nothing happened.  
“You look like you need some me-time, I’ll let you to it. But before I go, I should inform you that you’ve been thoroughly chi-blocked and therefore rendered helpless. Let’s all hope my dear brother will come to your rescue soon.” Azula slammed the door and I couldn’t help but to just watch after her.  
Chi-blocked? Now that I had woken completely up, I could feel how my chi swirled aggravated in my center, and never ebbing out to the limbs. I didn’t know there was another chi-blocker but Ty-Lee in the Firenation. Had Azula imported one to her crew? I suspected there to be a waterbender in their circle because of the sleeping gas, but trained chi-blockers were not that common. My hands began tingling from the rope.   
All that, technicality didn’t really matter right now. I had to free myself, fast.  
If I could defeat Jerry and a whole program inhumanly set to deactivate me, I could surely find my way out of this minor inconvenience. What was it Azula said about being chi-blocked once? That it made one more flexible that you’d ever thought possible? I pulled at my wrist and it hurt like hell. Stinging, tearing and pinching made my hands pulse. I gritted my teeth and cursed. The pain made me winded, and I cursed some more. In one agonizing ‘pop’ my one wrist was free, and maneuvering the arm out of the next set of ropes was just as uncomfortable. My shoulder said a crunching noise, as the arm came free. Slower than I’d hoped, I had untied myself entirely. I didn’t know how long chi-blocking worked, but I tried bending a flame in a lantern and all it did was flicker slightly irritated. 

Now the next step was to get out of the locked room.  
Without bending I wasn’t rendered helpless as Azula had so gracefully put it. But I was screwed six ways till Sunday. Goddamn Zuko hadn’t taught me anything when it came to swords, and he had proved that I didn’t exactly have a natural talent for the swordsmanship. Not that I had a weapon.   
My ideas were all risky and stupid but this one, despite being the riskiest and the stupidest, would work. I broke open a lantern and used the fire to light the chair and table that was in the cave room. The flames started to grow tall once it’d caught. I screamed.   
“Help help fire!! Fire I’ll burn alive!!” I yelled at the door and positioned myself where the door would swing open. I had to cough because of the smoke, and soon enough the lock was turned.   
A skinny girl with freckles rushed in. She shrieked at the flames that reached out for her and the air she had added by opening the door. I jumped behind her and grabbed her neck with my underarm. I held her tight and the girl scratched and twisted in my hold. Slowly consciousness left her as I choked her. No, I didn’t kill her, even though that would be the safest way to proceed. I let the fainted girl drop to the floor then held a tentative hand to the flames and to my delight my bending was starting to come back. They shrunk and fizzed in strings of smoke.   
“Hurry! I heard Zirin scream! Down this way!” A strong voice called. I snuffed out the embers entirely and turned to run. The hallways, or rather tunnels, were the ones carved in to the volcano beneath the palace, I could recognize the stonework and carvings on the pillars. Lamps in red hung every other meter. No doubt another one of Ozai’s creepy secret places. I glanced over my shoulder and found I wasn’t being followed, instead I ran right into Azula. We both fell back in a huff.   
She didn’t need as long as me to recognize to situation and Azula threw a lightning without batting an eye. I rolled and saw the electricity scorching the ground.   
She threw another and I shot to my feet and up against the wall.   
“You once said that you would love to fight me! The real me! Well then, fight!” Azula made an electric whip that cut in to the stone and made it hail with blue sparks. The move would’ve taken my head off if I hadn’t ducked in time.  
The struggle was fast and I had to collide with several surfaces to dodge Azula’s fierce attacks.  
“Jeez, give me a second.” I panted and stretched out my hand to bend her. Azula gasped but then ran to me with such force I had to jump to the side and break the influence. She spun on her heel behind me and kicked, aiming for my head. I hit the floor and gabbed her ankle, bending a fire with the other hand. She jumped over me. This Azula was like no opponent I’d fought before. She was fast, powerful and thinking on her feet. We both retreated a little.  
“Is that all? I had hoped for some more skill, considering your unearthly position as an all-knowing spirit. You disappoint.” Azula shrugged. She looked at me coldly.  
“You haven’t given me fair chance yet.” I breathed, chasing it a little, and then straightened.   
“There’s no such thing in a fight.” She smirked and it reminded me of Zuko. It threw me a little.  
“Over here!” Someone cried, and it sounded like Azula’s backup, not that she needed it.   
In one efficient move I grabbed the air and smothered all the flames in the red lanterns. The complete tunnel was instantly black. Azula opened her blue flames and shot directly at me.  
“I don’t need to see you, to destroy you!” She laughed. Of course she didn’t, but I counted on that the others did. Flames as blue as ice came unnervingly close to my face.   
I was loosing. Scrambling on the floor I found the focus. I bended her in a slight panic. Azula held her fire. It was dark and quiet apart from the running footsteps that was nearing us. I heard Azula drop to her knees in the dark. As I bended her blood I lit a fire in my other palm to see. It wasn’t hard to multitask once I wasn’t being attacked. I grabbed her by the collar and pulled her to her feet against the cave wall. She had terror painted in her features for a second.   
“If you step one step closer I’ll turn your leader into a hot-pot dish.” I called without looking to the group who were now doubtfully observing the scene in the sparse light. Azula struggled weakly in my grasp. It felt wrong to use this skill against Azula, but it was my only advantage.   
“I-I have something you want.” She croaked and bore her nails into my hand. “In my belt. Lo-look in my belt.” Azula tried to sound composed. I let her go and she sagged a little against the wall. I kept my boiling influence on her and picked the scroll from her sash. It was old.  
I lid one of the lanterns over Azula’s head and unfolded the scroll.  
“… What is this?” I asked. I couldn’t keep my hands from trembling slightly and my bending on Azula slipped a fraction without my permission. Words and drawings jumped off the page. Spirit walk. Portals. Gateway to the outer world. The lost.  
There were ink sketches of a big blue ball in a lake, a door opening in nothing, a shadow who wasn’t human but then the scroll ended abruptly as it was torn in half.  
“Curious isn’t it?” Azula rubbed her neck in a smirk.  
“Where is the rest!?” I slammed her up against the stone again. A girl, one of the goons, gasped.  
“The rest? You mean the missing half? I agree it does stop just when it was getting good, doesn’t it?”  
“You tore it up. Where is the rest?” I hissed.  
“Hidden for obvious reasons. If you kill me you’ll never find it. You know, people talk and talk and talk, and if you stay silent, pretty soon they’ll forget you’re even listening. All of your secrets spilled out sooner or later on that trip, and I even heard about your heart-to-heart with Zuzu. It was very touching.” She mockingly put a bashful hand to her cheek. My bending was oozing out of me like sand in an hourglass. I didn’t know how long I could hold it.  
I gritted my teeth. I was not prepared for this. How could she have heard? Who tattled?  
“You desperately want to go home? I can understand. We all just want to be in our rightful place.” Azula’s eyes gleamed joyfully. Always a step ahead.  
“You can’t trick me. I destroyed the gate.” I drew my brows together.  
“The shadow man is not the only way.” Azula smiled.  
I dropped my influence. She straightened and dusted herself off as if nothing had happened.   
“I don’t believe you.” I muttered.  
“You are not sounding so sure. And what do you have to loose? If it isn’t true, then no harm done. I tell you what, I will generously give you the rest of the scroll for free. And all you have to do is stay here a little while.” Azula wandered over to her band of crazy benders and held her palms up. “It’s your choice.”  
“Nothing you offer comes for free Azula. I know that. You are trying to mislead Zuko into being your ideal of a merciless firelord like your dad but I’m telling you now, with or without me in captivity, it won’t work. He won’t be stupid enough to take your bait.”  
“You overestimate him. Zuko has always been soft and loyal, disgusting really. Maybe you don’t know him at all?” She smirked.   
“We know your plans.” I said sternly.   
“Ah, the plan? Actually to hear my own untold thoughts from you is very satisfying, but no. That strategy was scrapped for an even greater one! Nothing will stop me now, and you were the one that made me think of it. Such an inspiration you are to us all.” For a moment Azula’s eyes glowed bright yellow, and I saw the insanity still echo in them. She snickered and her posy joined.  
“If you really want to know if you can return home, I suggest you just sit tight.”  
I looked at the ground.   
“Take her to the guest chambers. She won’t make a fuss.” Azula waved her hand and disappeared in to the darkness.  
.  
.  
.


	18. With strings attached

Chapter 18: With strings attached

It had been over two weeks. I edged the sixteenth mark in the caverns wall of my ‘guest chamber’. I didn’t know if my count was off or not, because there was no window or natural daylight in my room. I had based my calculations on the three meals I was served a day. After each ‘dinner’ I made a mark to keep time straight, like in a bad prison movie, but there was no way of knowing time for sure.   
My room wasn’t unpleasant. It had books, a bed and a tea table together with a normal bathroom in an additional tunnel. It had been build to be pleasant, and not to be a cell, but it was a prison either way. I wondered how many unexpendable political prisoners, and threats to the throne had been held here until they ‘changed their mind’.   
It had old-school firenation mind-games and psychological warfare written all over it.   
Speaking of written, I was analyzing the scroll over and over to guess at what was missing, but the problem was that I couldn’t even understand the part I did have. It was a lot about opening gates with the dragon and avoiding the shadowman, which I figured was Jerry or Jerry-ish instances. But that made even less sense as I was the one who’d build the program in the first place, thought I didn’t know how. It had sprung for my imagination, hadn’t it? So how could a historical script like this even exist? If only I had the entire thing. I was convinced that I would be able to understand everything then.  
On top of being thoroughly and endlessly confused I was bugged by how Azula knew all this, and where she’d found the information. I was sure that she had been fixed to a tree, watched by Aang, Katara and Sokka the entire time I was having my moment in the woods with Zuko? It seemed unlikely she could have had that good a hearing, or had snuck away.  
Oh, and by the way, yes. I was dying from guilt and shame that I was letting Azula carry out her menacing plan without interfering. I just hoped that I could count on her not killing Zuko, or overthrowing the regime completely. It was eating away at me that I had no idea what was going on outside. My fear and terrible theories were building themselves more horrific every day I spend in my prison, but I needed to know what was on the other end of that script!   
Besides Aang was the avatar, and Katara though she might break her oath, could bloodbend Azula’s mischievous little butt if she’d decided to take them all on for real.   
But, I had the troublesome feeling it was bigger than that.  
A lot of speculating, emotions and thoughts of the past, held me suspended in a constant state of nagging doubt.   
The click of the lock sounded. I scooted away from the wall.   
A girl, no older than nineteen walked in with a tray of tea. She had black eyes and white bangs in an otherwise head of short black hair –a pretty androgynous goth-y sort of girl, if you’re in to that. I inclined my head to look a little dignified sitting in dirty clothes on the floor.   
She practically dropped the tray on to the low tea table and some spilled out of the pot. Then left without a word or gaze. I thought it was a strange thing to do.  
“You’re not supposed to hurt the prisoner, what if she got boiling water all over herself!? What would Azula say? Try to contain your disgust with the world a little!” I heard a pitched voice telling the goth-girl off from around the doorframe. They hadn’t closed it yet.  
The silent gloomy one just walked off and glared back at whoever was out of my sight.  
“So. Are you the chi-blocker?” I asked as I poured myself a cup.  
A freckled face poked out. I remembered her being called Zirin. She was about to slam the door, but thought it better to issue a treat first.  
“You shouldn’t be talking to me if you knew what’s good for you.” Hate dripped from her words.  
“Hey. Just making conversation.” I sipped.  
“Are you loosing your mind with loneliness already?” She smirked, still clutching the doorframe.  
“Not so much. I know Azula broke you out. Were you in the same institution as her, or was yours a more, left-to-rot-in-a-hole kind of place? Did your parents drop you off Zirin?”   
Zirin stomped over and threw her braid over her narrow shoulder.  
“Shut it! Azula already told me that you’re manipulative! I won’t let you push me.”  
“I’m guessing you got to know each other in that place then. Is she a good leader? Are you afraid of her?” I took another sip and looked up at the girl over the rim of the cup.  
She took a step back, and glanced over her shoulder, then back at me.  
“Listen. I have orders not to harm you, but if you push me, I’ll snap you in half. Spirit or not!”   
I saw how the anger burned in her like a runaway bushfire and I could recognize it. It was not far from the anger I’d seen in Zuko during our first encounter. I pondered what had happened to her to make her follow Azula. Zirin had properly been locked up for a reason, and now craved revenge. Azula would be the right frontrunner for team crave-revenge-and-redemption.  
“Fine. But I’ll boil you to death before you can even touch me.” My eyes flashed and Zirin walked backwards in a snarl. The door was locked.   
Finding allies amongst Azula’s team was not going to happen, they were all too caught up in the promise of power as far as I could tell. But perhaps making them more scared of me than Azula could work out too. I wasn’t sure that I could succeed though. 

On my seventeenth night of imprisonment I woke up bathed in sweat and in absolute darkness. Someone was in my room. I heard the tap of shoes on the stone floor. I opened a flame in my hand to look around and found it empty. In a daze I rubbed my forehead.   
A hand slapped over my mouth and I instantly gabbed at it with flames.   
“Ouch!” A voice whispered from being nicked with my fire. The hand let go. I shot a flame into the wick of my bedside candle. A part of me was a little disappointed, because to my surprise it was goth-girl staring unnervingly down at me, and not a more familiar face. She was sitting on the banister of my bed and I twisted around in the sheets, clutching the duvet to my chest. The girl put a finger to her lips, telling me not to scream. I drew my brows. I wasn’t counting on being rescued. Least of all by Miss-spilled-my-tea yesterday.  
“What-“ I started but she shook her head and pulled out a scroll, or half of one, from her robe. I gasped. It was the other half. Goth-girl handed it over to me and I hesitantly accepted. With my fingers almost shaking I unrolled it and saw the illustrations and script that matched my piece. I quickly rolled it back up.   
“I don’t-“ But she interrupted again, this time by putting her index finger to my lips. I blushed and jerked back. She rolled her eyes at me and effortlessly jumped off the bed. I followed her with my eyes until she was at the door. I was gripping the scroll tightly.  
“Why are you helping me?” I whispered.  
“… My name is Ren.” Then she closed the door but I didn’t hear the lock turn.   
“…Ren? That’s interesting…” I muttered to myself.

I was out of bed in a leap and I shrugged on a long kimono over my white cotton nighty as I passed it. The two scrolls were securely bound on my back beneath the kimono. Then I cracked the door open. It was clear, but I stopped before stepping out. Should I fuse the lock, making look like I’d escaped without help? That could maybe spare Ren for some accusations? No, they would see it too early on and take my head-start away, and besides, Azula would notice that the scroll was gone anyway. I edged out on the red-lit hallway.  
It was quiet as a grave for a long time but then I heard muffled voices. I stiffened to figure our where they were coming from. A pair of shadows was cast on the wall of a connection tunnel. I flattened myself against the rock and came a little closer so I could eavesdrop. They might say; ‘hey remember how the exit is left, left then right? That sure is good to know if you want to get out fast!’.  
I breathed through my mouth and observed the shadows. One was of a woman.  
“… She’ll have to be dealt with, but I think you are forgetting who your master is. Who unleashed you from your captivity?” Azula said coldly, there was a movement. “That’s right, and I can send you back just as easily.” Her shadow was facing another, but it other one wasn’t shaped like any person. It looked like a wrong sort of cat, too big and long and standing on its hind legs. In a strange shaking way the cat-shadow twisted, curled up and then stood, straightening as a womanly figure instead. Or, I didn’t know if it was a woman or a feminine man with long hair and robes. I bit down on my cheek in alarm. A freaking shape shifter?! I had never seen anything like that. EVER! I couldn’t believe my eyes. They were even watering because I forgot to blink for a minute or two.   
“The next master comes after the next. Freeing me grants us both freedom.” It was high, light and eerily slow, the voice, like a person talking another language and being unsure of the use.   
I stared at the wall with the two figures facing each other.  
“For now. Either way I won’t have you forgetting your place sweet Obake-Shono. I will not hesitate to imprison you for the rest of time if I have to. Don’t forget that.” Azula cooed and walked away from the light. I watched the spirit sway a little on its feet. It awkwardly just stood, like it didn’t know what to do with itself. It was almost evoking sympathy for the poor thing. Forced to work together with Azula. I drew my brows tightly together. Worry struck as an icicle.  
It wasn’t impossible to have spirits in this world, not even changing ones, but this one was so solid and so human looking, from what I could tell at least, and Azula had freed it. That meant it was without question also up to no good. I wondered what they were plotting and what this Obake-person had to gain. Its power could be anything from awe-inspiring disastrous to slightly inconvenient. I had once read about a spirit who’s power was to turn your rice blue when you weren’t looking, it wasn’t poisonous or anything, just blue. I mean, the spirits in general seemed to have a pretty wide spectrum of capabilities, so maybe this one was harmless. Although, Azula did not free it out of the kindness of her heart -that was for sure.   
I had lingered long enough.

With my heart in my throat I started to slip backwards and away from the conversation, if you could call it that. My blood pounded and my breath was stolen away but I kept quiet. Only when I was past my own ‘cell-door’ did I feel safe enough to spin on my heel and bolt.  
I sprinted with my shoes in hand down the rubicund tunnels, looking for exit indications. A part of me had hoped that there would be some ‘fire escape’ signs on my way, but I knew that was highly unlikely. It was in the base of a volcano, so perhaps they would have thought that far ahead. I passed several other tunnels, doors and entries to minor halls. One of them was a library. I stopped. A drop of sweat tickled my brow and my breath was burning in my lungs.  
On shelves carved in the wall piles of scrolls were stacked and bundled together. Books and loose paper flooded the floor and were bursting out of every drawer along the walls. I glanced over my shoulder before I walked inside. A long tapestry of what appeared to be spirits fighting old firenation soldiers hung in the back of the library. The spirits were all depictured white, eyes spinning madly in their heads and tongues waggling out from huge fangs and tusks, but otherwise human looking. The soldiers, through wounded were standing in their armor and helmets, almost godlike, and raining fire upon their enemy. It looked like a great battle. There weren’t any writing, but I wouldn’t have had time to read it anyway, because I heard something drop. It was a low sort of thud, from deeper within the library, it could have been one of the million books finally falling over in a stack, but I didn’t take any chances. I was planning on being out in those tunnels, dashing like the wind, before you could say better safe than sorry!   
“Kai?” A whisper asked unsurely, I recognized the call and grinned over my shoulder.   
“Kai!” Zuko stepped out from a bookcase in the shape of a pillar, with an expression of wonder on his features. I practically leaped at him in a hug and then kissed him all over his face. Zuko just let me do it, and I noticed a chuckle under his dark hair. He stood with his hands on my hips and when I was done with my little shower of affection, Zuko pushed me gently back. Worry colored his eyes.  
“Are you okay? Did anybody harm you?”  
“No! And yes I’m fine! How did you find me? What had been going on? Where are the others?” I was talking too loud but I had a false sense of security now that I was with Zuko. Two is better than one in any combat.   
“Slow down. One thing at the time, we have to get you out of here first!” He gave me a once over again to see if I really was unscathed and then took my hand. I bit my cheek. I would have had to be hurt to not escape earlier, wouldn’t I? I mean, being a powerful lethal bender and having ‘the sight of the future’ there wasn’t much that would keep me from escaping on my own, was there? I detected that Zuko knew I’d stayed in captivity by choice, and was pissed off about it, but he didn’t say anything just then. I tightened my hold on his hand.  
Our steps were the only sound and every corner we tuned was done very carefully. I pointed at an entry to what looked like a winding staircase. He nodded. I figured that we’d eventually emerge on the palace rooftop through the secret door in the brick wall. The one I remembered Ty-lee mentioned. She, Mai and Azula would play hide and seek in the palace and Azula had found her father’s secret cave prison when she was very young and used it as her playground. I wondered if she was scared when she’d first stumbled upon this ominous place.   
Zuko pulled me along and we started climbing the steps. My mind turned over the young Azula’s emotional terrain, though I shouldn’t have been thinking so hard about it, as we neared the exit. Zuko pushed the hidden passage at the top. But it didn’t budge.  
“Kai. Give me a hand.” He sat his shoulder to it. I stepped up and shoved too.   
“Have you turned a key, or pulled a book or something to open it before?” I wheezed after giving it my all. “Maybe we need to, like ugh, press some bricks to open the door?” I glided my hands over the walls and tried to feel for a stone that might give way.   
Zuko lit a fire to examine the passageway.   
“It’s been barricaded…” He sounded apprehensive.   
He was right.  
“This is a trap.” Zuko muttered.  
He was right again.

We both whipped around to see Azula and Zirin were at the end of the stairs, looking mean and smug as ever. I couldn’t see goth-girl aka. Ran anywhere, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t helped luring me in this ambush. I gritted my teeth. The shifter was standing right behind Azula. It was a longhaired boy, but not.  
Zuko was all flame-daggers and angry glares.  
“Don’t. That thing is dangerous.” I said to him over my shoulder, never taking my eyes off the spirit boy, he had sharp slits for eyes and his skin was gray. The spirit stared vaguely upward but not directly at us. It was creeping me out.   
“What is that monster?” Zuko asked me just as tight-lipped and strangled the fire in his palms.   
“Do you mind coming down dear brother? I think a family reunion is far overdue.” Azula opened her hands and stepped aside to make way for Zuko and I.   
Cautiously we came down.   
“I’m honored to have the firelord here this morning.” Azula sneered sarcastically. “I wasn’t aware you courtly duties allowed this degree of jaunting aimlessly around anymore? Zuzu, I thought you were taking the throne seriously?” She continued while escorting us down the tunnel. The tendons on Zuko’s jaw twitched and his glare was strikingly deadly. “Maybe not. Now that you’ve found mother and inner peace perhaps some of that angsty determination has faded?” She looked over her shoulder at us.   
“Laugh. It was a joke.” Azula ordered smugly.  
A strange ‘ah ah ah’ sound echoed at our tail. It was the pale spirit boy laughing emotionlessly and I could just have screamed -I was that freaked out. His black eyes slowly maneuvered over to mine and as we met his face seemed to elongate. It would have been beautiful if it hadn’t looked so otherworldly and cold. Almost doll-like, I thought. I snapped my head back to stare at the floor as we walked back towards the holding-cells. Yeay… Back to square one.   
“Quiet. I wasn’t talking to you!” Azula hissed. I could see Zirin cringing openly as a direct effect of the boy’s nearness beside her.   
“You ordered me to laugh princess of fire. I obey.” The spirit breathed quietly but he sounded sounding distracted.  
“Indeed you do. Here we are.” We stopped at the entry to a flaming red room. Wall paintings of Ozai sat the mood. A gloomy one. “Well. In you go we don’t have all day you two.” Azula looked bored already. “Or would you like some help with making that decision?” She studied her nails.   
I wasn’t taking her treat to heart, but the spirit was studying his own hands intensely too and I wasn’t going to fight an opponent that looked this surprised about his own manifestation in the physical world without some research.   
Zuko and I exchanged a glance before stepping inside.   
“Sit, sit, I feel like I have to catch you two up to speed. You both are quite clueless aren’t you?” Azula sat in a high-backed chair and Zuko and I on the diva facing her. A fire roared in the fireplace. The spirit boy had sat himself besides Azula on the floor and Zirin was openly sulking close by too.   
“Why are we here Azula?” Zuko leaned back and crossed his arms.   
“You are here because I want you to. Like little ponds I just move you around on my board. Simple as that. But in more detail, my ploy calls for you two to stay imprisoned indefinitely.” She shrugged.  
“We could just break out. You know that two against one is poor odds.” Zuko narrowed his gaze.  
“Maybe. Maybe not. I have been doing some effective therapy and I’m not so sure you could win dear brother. But in a pinch, I could ask my new friend for some assistance.” Azula smirked and the spirit stared blankly at us. “This is Obake. He’s pleased to make your acquaintance. Why don’t introduce yourself spirit?” She sounded almost giddy deep under the coldness.  
“A realm of faces, is a realm of deceit. I am of the clay. Obake-Shono Kei Sho is my call.”   
We all was slightly thrown by his ‘spirit speak’. Even Azula, but she regained her cool in an instant.  
“Yes, yes. Obake here is a shape shifting spirit. Spirit, demonstrate your skill.” She ordered.  
The boy tilted his head and looked at us. His face glided to look like a dog, then like mine then… Like Zuko. We both leaned away from the ‘thing’ that looked identical to Zuko in horror. It tilted it’s head even more and the emotionless in the imitated face gave me goose-bumps.   
“Amazing isn’t it.” Azula smirked as she studied our terror. “Zuko you sit on the throne, and everybody accepts you as the true firelord unfortunately. I could never stand there with you, or take your place now, but with some assistance from Obake, the firenation will be great again.”   
The spirit drilled into my eyes and I had to look away.   
“As he mentioned himself he obeys. That is almost a lost art isn’t it?” Azula looked meaner and colder than I’d ever seen and I feared I had been the indirect course of that.  
“… How?” Zuko said numbly.  
“How did I come by this answer to our problems? Quite easily. After I’d escaped I admit I was aimless for a time in the Forgetful Valley. On my wanderings I encountered a monk, He had heard you two taking in the forest and was concerned for you. When he learned that I was the sister to the dark haired boy, and that I sheared his deep and heartfelt concern, he helped me to the spirit world. A curious place is I’d ever seen one.” Azula took a dramatic breath. “The monk knew all sorts of things about your situation and he instructed me to find a grand wolf. Something about it being the father of the lost, well you know, tiresome spirit matters. I never did come across the Wolf, but what I found instead was my dear Obake.” The boy with Zuko’s face turned slowly to Azula, his eyes as empty as old wells.   
“You think this hollow thing can trick anyone? The avatar and Iroh can tell the difference between their real friend and you puppet.” I said with disgust as the boy took the face of someone else I didn’t recognize. He did seem hurt by my harsh words but the now pink and blond boy blinked in my direction.   
“Well, I think it wouldn’t be that hard. After a year or two they’ll accept that Zuko has broken under the pressure and is acting a little more withdrawn.” She shrugged.  
“A little more withdrawn? Are you still insane Azula?” I yelled and almost stood in anger. Zuko clenched his hands and was looking hard as stone.   
“My point is that it won’t matter. Anyone who tries to get in our way we can banish or imprison for life. Even our sweet Uncle Iroh.”  
“If you touch him I will hurt you. Even if you are my sister.” Zuko hissed.  
“Oh don’t be so dramatic.” She waved a hand.  
“The avatar will be forced to take out your lackey Azula, to keep the balance that I’m sure you’ll disrupt.” I said.  
“So what? Maybe I’ll help him. Then I will be offered my throne for good behavior. I already started dealing out lavish gifts to the masses in form of my good nature and wealth. The avatar will think me rehabilitated. But enough talk now, I need my beauty sleep. I have many decisions I need to ponder. Including what to do with the scraps.” Azula sent us a sharp glance before she took to leave. “Obake will tug you in. Night-night.” She left us with Zirin and ghost boy. That was almost the most unsettling part of it all. If Azula were entrusting us, two master firebenders, to a non-bender and child that only just reached my shoulders, the spirit had to have some serious juice. He was now more cat than boy, and the vertical pupils were fixed on us. I really wondered what he was thinking about. And what his real power was.   
I caught Zuko’s eyes and we mirrored each other’s worry for a moment.

We were escorted to our slightly nicer prison cell. Apparently we would be bunking together and that was a small comfort. Zirin gave me an unnecessary shove and slammed the door behind my butt. The lock made a horrible definitive noise. I heard something leaning against the door and I would guess it was Obake.  
Zuko threw himself down in a chair and ran a hand through his hair.   
I tentatively stepped over to him. The scrolls were digging in to my back under the sash.   
“Do you feel like telling me what’s going on upstairs now?” I asked and sat on his knees.   
Zuko’s yellow orbs glowed in the dark room but he was glaring at the wall. My hand wandered over his shoulder. Despite our grim situation I had an unexplainable need for being close to him.   
“Why are you alone? Are the others coming to help us?” I asked and stroked some of his dark hair behind his ear. It was really getting long. Zuko removed my hand.  
“I don’t think so.” He was tense.  
Something was off about him. I drew my brows.  
“I was tricked here. I found a letter that led me to the tunnels.” He continued.  
“A letter?”   
“From Azula, telling me to come alone and find you here to free you. Didn’t look like you needed my help in the end though. And now we’re both trapped.” Zuko stood and I had to suddenly slide off him to give room. He was pushing me away and I didn’t understand why.  
“I was here because Azula had something I needed.”  
“Yeah, what?” He asked with his back to me.  
“These.” I pulled out the two halves and put them on the tea table. I rolled them out and connected them on the middle. The paper was soft and heavy and the corner hardly bent up even after all that time it had been fixed. I looked at the illustration and found the one with a meditating person and the text ‘spirit walk’.   
“I haven’t had the other half before tonight. I think it can tell me something about opening a portal.  
Zuko inched closer and glanced down at the relic.   
“I thought you destroyed the gateway? Or whatever it was.” He sounded upset.  
“I did. Or I thought I did. Azula had these and she said that there maybe still be a way.”  
“You cannot trust anything she says.” He snorted as if I’d been naïve.   
I shot him a frustrated look.  
“I had to get a hold of the scrolls and if you didn’t notice I was actually on my way to successfully escape on my own if you hadn’t interfered.” I huffed.  
“Excuse me, are you saying you would rather that I’d stayed away?”  
“Yes. Then you wouldn’t be here and I would have gotten out. You didn’t trust me to finish my own battle, and now we’re both trapped. To play the white knight is super sexist by the way.” I bit at him and pretended to read the text.  
“I’m not sexist. I was trying to come to you aid because I thought Azula had hurt you! And instead I find you strolling through the library?? You intentionally stayed here without even considering what was happening right above you! I sat a search party out for you, I initiated hundreds and hundreds of soldiers out to find you! Even Aang and the others are flying around the world to look for you! And I… I… I thought I’d lost you again.” He stopped his ramble in an angry pause. It was hurt that he was expressing but I couldn’t care for it in that moment.   
“Well you haven’t! I’m still here aren’t I?! And I will always be here!! Standing in some corner while you greet the earth king or whatever!! I could have a real chance of actually see my family again, of being somewhere where I matter for once! As always you’re acting selfishly!” I crossed my arms.   
“Don’t you lecture me on selfishness Kai. You are the one who’s the egoist in this relationship.” Zuko was fuming.  
“Egoistic!! HA! You have no idea what I went through for YOU! I sacrificed my existence to be with you when I destroyed that program!” I pointed at him and the fight was getting out of hand, fast.  
“What are you talking about you have an existence! Step up and claim it instead of running away! You go around and pretend you have no impact on this place, but you do. You matter here. You matter to me.” There was a silence while we caught our breath. I softened a fraction at his words.   
“Don’t run away. Don’t leave.” Zuko glared at the ground but I could see something else stirring under the dark bangs.   
“What happened to ‘I understand’…” I took a step to him.  
“I do. I do understand why you have to know. But I can’t accept it…”  
The scroll still lay on the low table. I hadn’t read it properly, but whatever it said wasn’t as impotent as this. The crossroad was coming up ahead on my path.  
“I shouldn’t have stayed for this piece of paper. You’re right.” I breathed unevenly. “But… Could you do it? Would you stay in a different world and abandon all else, for me?” We held a gaze. His eyes as striking as wet amber in mine black ones. I already knew the answer.  
Zuko sighed.   
“That’s unfair. I have a nation to protect. A people to care for.” He sounded guilty.  
“I could have the same conditions in my world, couldn’t I?”  
“… And do you?”  
That was a bit sharp. He was right. I didn’t have such a huge responsibility, despite my argument. I shook my head annoyed.   
“Say I stay. You are the firelord and run around the world to save it and what is my role? What’s my calling? I can’t just be your shadow.”   
“I never asked you to.” Zuko leaned on a dresser.  
“No. But I would be, wouldn’t I? Even I could get over the fact that I tuned my back on my own family and friends, what would the future look like for us?” That had been my biggest concern for a long time, but in truth we hadn’t even been dating officially for a full season.   
He ran a hand over his neck, unsure of what to say.  
“What did your future look like with Mai?” I asked. He blinked at me, then considered it.  
“She and I had been matched up by our parents, long before we’d known it was so. She had been picked for her kinship’s wealth.” He paused and looked at me tentatively. “We would have been married before I turned my 25th summer and she would take the royal duties of a queen of the firenation. Hosting banquets and organizing charity mostly…”  
“So? That’s it?” I made a face.  
Zuko cleared his throat.  
“Well we would have to produce an heir at some point… But that’s all very simplified. It could be different.” He didn’t say ‘with you’, but I figured that’s what he meant. Zuko shook his head in a sigh. “Listen Kai, I am not asking you to marry me, am asking you to recognize that you have a place and a purpose here as well as there.”  
I pushed my lips. He was getting better at arguing and I felt like I’d lost in a childish way. I was my turn to give, but I couldn’t just yet.  
“And my purpose is to be your beg-and-call girl then? Not wife material but more intimate than friends. That’s a mistress, you know.“ I sneered and crossed my arms tightly.  
“Can’t you just-“ He threw his head back and rubbed his face with frustration. “Ah, listen to what I’m saying!” Zuko exclaimed.  
“You are saying a whole lot Zuko.”  
“Yes because I don’t know what to say to change your mind.” The pain was clear on his face. Like a flashflood washing over the lava, I came to my senses. Why was I always this petty?   
I sat down on the divan in the room and felt the anger ooze out of me.  
“I haven’t decided on anything yet… I don’t even know what the stupid scroll says.”  
Zuko sat down beside me with a heavy ‘flop’. He was exhausted now too.  
“I just... Feel so pressured to make the right choice and I don’t know what I should do.” I said in his direction. “But… If the whole thing was turned on its head, I would asked you to stay too… Begged even…” It nicked my pride to say it but I had to take the blow, you sometimes did.   
“Do you want me to beg?” He asked the floor.  
“Never.” I leaned over to him and rested my head on his shoulder. “I want help me find the answer to our questions. Maybe there is a path in between the two worlds…” I squeezed my eyes shut and wished hard. “Maybe there’s a way.”   
.  
.  
.


	19. The daughter of flame

Chapter 19: The daughter of flame

“You know… The sagas have a story about the daughter of flame like on your scroll.” Zuko said as his finder tapped the second half of the scroll.   
I glanced down at him with a lifted brow.   
“It was the temple sages that taught Azula and me when we were kids.” He muttered in deep concentration as he analyzed the text on the low tea table. “It was about how the great sun warriors would walk to the worlds beyond, but I always figured they meant the spirit world. I didn’t know of any other ‘worlds’ per say. Do you think this has something to do with a gateway to your home?” He said up to me. So Azula knew about the legend too, and had perhaps connected the dots before us.  
I bit my cheek and resumed pacing the room as I had been for the past hour. Zuko had been reading out loud from the document during our little brainstorm session, there were a lot of things that seemed to be plain nonsense, but now I was finally getting the sense that we had struck an ore of useful information.   
“How does the legend go? Do you remember it?” I asked.  
“As clear as day, we were drilled in these sort of folktales to become connected with the past of the masses. It’s about the great warrior Zuan, a master firebender, that meditated for twelve years to get to ‘the other world’ and retrieve his daughter from a kidnapping snake spirit. He sacrificed his life to save his daughter from being lost forever.”   
I stopped in my tracks.  
“Lost… The wolf talked about being a father of the lost daughters. That I would become one if I didn’t turn back…” The hairs started to stand up on my arm. “The great warrior, Zuan, did he have like a token or something that were descriptive to his personality?” I asked with the chills tickling allover.  
“… Yeah. A grand wolf.” Zuko stared ahead.  
I sat heavily down in the chair in the corner.   
“Does the legend say anything about how Zuan got into the meditative state?”  
“Only that he was a master bender and that he did it for twelve years. I don’t think we have that kind of time…” He said ponderously.  
“Maybe we do. If Azula can’t find a way to dispose of us, I would think she’d planned on keeping us imprisoned for life…”  
We both let the somber statement stand in the room. If it came to that we would break out or die trying. I couldn’t imagine being held captive for longer than I’d already had, and Zuko was cut from the same cloth as me. Or perchance just from the somewhat same material, because there was no way that Zuko would allow his people to suffer under Azula’s devious plans and in that regard I was more of a wait-and-see kinda gal. Call me cynical, but I believed in people being smart enough to oppose against dictations regimes on their own.   
Never mind that now, back on track, I thought.  
“I have to meet with him again.”  
“The wolf spirit?” Zuko contemplated with a hand to his lips.  
“Wolfie is the one with the answers, and he rescued both of us. I think we have a chance of him being willing to help us again!” I found new passion and hope. If I could contact the grand wolf I was very likely to find some answers and maybe even a solution to my dilemma. Then I realized a fatal flaw.  
“Damn! How am I going to get to the spirit world to find him? I really wish Aang was here…” I sagged back in the chair.  
“… Well maybe I can help? I know of a meditation technique that can be very intense? Uncle said it opened the channels to your inner potential, whatever that means… I have only tried it twice though, it was a lot of work and I don’t think I unlocked anything. It’s a stretch, but could it be our answer?”   
“I think we should give it a try! I mean what do we have to loose, right?” I smiled at him, and Zuko nodded a bit more grimly.  
“I should tell you that there’s an element of instability to the technique. It could be dangerous.”  
“Everything exciding is.” I smirked.

We had killed the lights and barricaded the door. Zuko and I were sitting in the darkness on the floor across from each other. A single candle stood between us and it made the shadows dance lively on our faces. It almost felt like we were getting ready to host an séance. Zuko’s eyes glowed amber and eagerness prickled at the base of my stomach.   
“As I said, I only tried it twice… It wasn’t very comfortable either of the times.” He warned, but I gave him a curt nod in response. I hadn’t expected the experience to be a walk in the park.  
“Okay… So… Close you eyes.” He said lowly and I did as instructed. It reminded me of our time on the ship and I couldn’t help but to smile a fraction.   
“I take it you are a bit more skilled in meditation than you were? Have you been practicing?”  
“Not really. It’s not my scene to be honest, but with the right tutor perhaps…?” I sneaked a peek through one eye, and Zuko bowed his head in a short laugh. Nostalgia surrounding our stolen moment threatened to surface. I suspect I wasn’t the only one in the room, thinking about our ‘first kiss’.   
Zuko cleared his throat.  
“We’ll begin at the basics then.”  
“I’m ready.” I smirked. It wasn’t the most optimal of settings for intimacy, being in a terribly hazardous situation and detained against our will… Come to think of it, it was the perfect setting! The whole aspect of facing our mortality and all that! It was tremendously thrilling.   
I wanted to kiss him.   
But he would have to initiate it this time. It was his turn, and I wasn’t sure he wasn’t still upset with me under the diplomatic facade.   
“Just keep your eyes closed. Breath slow and focused, and feel your chi flow.” He said softly.  
“I was never good at feeling anything like that…” I scrunched up my face and tried to locate my chi stream, but it was rarely apparent to me when I wasn’t in imperative danger. I drew my brows hard in concentration. I tried to imagine I had Jerry standing right in front of me, tried to recall that sensation of smooth heat through my bending. It kept slipping. Like catching a lively fish with your bare hands.   
“You are impatient.” I heard Zuko stand and then felt him sit right behind me, against my back. “I’ll help.” He almost whispered by my ear.   
I drew a sudden breath. Zuko untied my belt and slid off my kimono to uncover my shoulders. I doubted that whatever he was doing was helping me focus. But I didn’t object as heat began to rise in my face. With light fingertips he stroked my spine from top to the small of my back. A shiver darted through me.  
“Chi drifts from the top down, but you head if too filled with thoughts to let it flow. Relax. Listen to your breath and my voice.” It was true I was often thinking too much and too hard, but right now I could only think one very primitive thought.   
“This is the jade gate, it connects to your mind.” Zuko brushed the top of my neck, right at the base of my skull, and held a light finger there. I shouldn’t be this stimulated by his touch but my heart began to pound. “Let the chi drop down and hit my hand.”  
I focused and the current was a golden warm liquid in my head. It swirled and broke loose, then seeped down my neck. I had to gulp in pure disbelief. This was so much more clear and powerful than when I ‘just’ used it for bending. Zuko’s fingers continued down my back and stopped between my shoulder blades.  
“Relax.” He said lowly again. “This is the ruby gate it connects to your heart.”   
I saw how the golden hot stream followed each vertebra for my inner eye. Like trickling water down a stony drop. He moved down again, stopping at the base of my ribs.   
“Good. This is the lotus gate it connects to your breath. Flow to it.” Zuko whispered in my hair. The air on my lips burned and I wanted to touch him even more now. Like desperately wanting to undress in the scolding summer. I felt the dampness stick my hair to my forehead.  
“Maybe we should stop for a moment.” I exhaled. My chi had been getting hotter and hotter with each gate we’d passed and now it was on the brim of boiling.   
“Chi is a very fluid and fleeing thing. It’s almost impossible to hold it at one spot…” Zuko rasped.   
“… Okay. Then we can’t stop.” My throat felt like I had been blow-drying it for days.  
“If that’s what you want.”  
“I want you to kiss me.” I growled slightly annoyed that I’d had to ask for it after all.  
Without another word we met in a strained and twisted kiss, but it cooled some of the painful warmth away from my lips and I sighed against his lips. I drew back and opened my eyes. His was impossibly golden and flashing with the mirrored unmistakable emotion that called me south.  
“Take me to the next gate.” I said lowly. I was loosing focus.   
“Here. The emerald gate.” He touched my mid-back and my chi poured.   
“There’s two more, and then you have to do the rest of the work on your own.” He whispered and moved a little further down. “This is the gold gate, or the sea of chi, open up to it and rejoin the river with the ocean.”   
A drop of sweat rolled off my brow and dripped down my lap.  
The chi rushed together in a pool of glistening gold essence. The power I felt was unbelievable. It was greater and more beautiful than it’d ever been and in a flash I understood Iroh teachings. I understood why chi was connected with bending. Why one could not exist without the other. They were inseparable parts of a great and frightening force, never-endingly drawing from each other. I fell back against Zuko and my breath was hurried. My blood was too warm and slushy for my veins, and my fingertips prickled. Flashes of white lights zoomed over the insides of my eyelids.   
Zuko moved further down.   
He held two fingers at the small of my back. I breathed a sound of discomfort unconsciously. He leaned closer to me and kissed me softly on my damp shoulder.   
“We still need one Kai… Do you want to continue?”   
“I’m fine.” I panted as the sweat trickled down my face. I could feel Zuko hesitate. “Finish it.” I rasped. It was like I’d eaten thirty chilies and washed them down with scolding tea, all the while standing on the brim of an erupting volcano. It was extremely hot and unpleasant, that’s what I’m getting at.   
He moved his hand in between us and stopped at the very end of my spine.  
“The last gate is the sun gate… When you get here the line will be complete. You’ll have to look in and work with the heat to unlock your inner truer self… I don’t know how exactly… I never got this further than here. Lay down.” He muttered.   
Zuko sounded so worried but it took everything I had not to break my concentration. I couldn’t console him with a lie that I was fine. Every lungful of air was fire and every exhale, boiling magma.   
He eased me to the floor and sat by my side. Zuko pressed a hand under me and touched my back again. I focused on the chi growing to its boiling point in my middle.  
I hissed through my teeth.  
He held his other hand on my chest to hold me down. “Let go…” He muttered.   
The river thrashed with all its might down my spine and a flash of white blinded me.

The scorching whiteness swallowed me up.   
A zooming feeling threw me into my body in the white space. Like my spirit had been ripped away and tossed with immensely force through the port and toward the white world.  
In the space I had been standing, but I immediately broke to my hands and knees, desperately panting for air that didn’t sprout blisters in my throat. Fevering tears of a body burning leaked from me but evaporated on my cheeks.   
“I- I- I can’t. S- sto- stop.” I wheezed. My vision swirled and swirled and I had no focus point in the nothingness of white. Why was it always so damn bright in this place? My body throbbed and I couldn’t feel my hands or feet anymore. I collapsed on the white ground. My eyes pulsed, and it felt like my eyeballs were trying to push themselves out of their sockets.   
“St- stop. I- I’m dy- dying.” I begged in a dry rasp to no one.  
“Child. See within. You are the source. You are in control.” A voice said deeply in the white space. Once the voice had said that, I felt my own influence. It took another moment before I realized that I could let my hold on the bending go. I gasped and couched as a person that had been drowning. Drowning in thick boiling blood, I thought and shivered. I was on the verge of being sick. Khun had clearly not been enjoying his last moments as a whole person, but now that I had experienced blood boiling on my own body, I was truly disgusted with my actions.   
“Stand child. You are looking for me. You have found me.”  
I heaved myself to a slumped sitting position but anymore than that was too much to ask.   
“Wolfie… I’m glad I don’t have to roam the spirit world for you… I gotta admit… The ride wasn’t smooth.” I choked back a gag. Coolness began too sooth my shaking body. I thought of the blue lake and desperately wanted to dive headfirst into the probably cold water, like in those summer drink commercials. ‘Refreshed in seconds! Try our new-’. I was pulled back by the wolf’s voice.   
“You have found me. Ask your questions.” The grand wolf was lying elegantly with its front legs crossed before me. The word majestic came to mind. I shook my head slightly to clear it. I felt like my brain had come very close the fryer and I suspected I was a little spun around still.  
“My question… My question is, how can I get home? Is there still a way? We’ve come across this document that explains that you are, or were, the great firebender Zuan that passes through the worlds. Is that true? ” I rambled slightly.  
The red eyes rested on me to see if I was done.  
“I was the father, now am the servant. The lost daughters come to me and I care for them as I do for the mother. My love is endless. I can reach the lost through the worlds.”   
“So… Can you help me find a new portal to my world?”   
“You are the chosen to pass between. You are the line amid the mirror. In this and the next word.”  
“And could you please be more clear great and almighty spirit?” I said exhaustedly and not that sarcastically –I did respect the wolf after all.  
“Child, you ask for a thing you already possess. You are the gateway. The power is within you.” He hummed before me with his grand toothy mouth moving slowly.   
“Wait. What are you saying?” I asked after another gag subsided.   
“Like the avatar is the one to walk between spirit world and his own, your are chosen beyond that. It has always been so. You travel far and wide and you move on after a lifetime.”  
I blinked. What the duck!  
“Woah, woah woah.” I held my palms to the spirit. “I have never traveled further than a four hour flight could take me.” I laughed.   
The piercing red orbs held no humor. My own smile faded on my lips.   
“But… Jerry? The shadow man? He asked me where I wanted to go? I never… I really never ‘traveled’ anywhere else…? I even chose my own skills and powers in the white room’s machine. This blood-boiling thing was because I asked for it then and there. I can’t do that in reality.”  
“Reality is an illusion. The shadow man is an illusion. The machine is an illusion. You fight and create only yourself. This is one of many worlds that are intertwined.”   
I shook my head stubbornly.  
“I was stabbed. That was no illusion. Besides, how do you explain the scroll mention of Jerry if I made him up?” I might have sounded a little disrespectful.   
“The shadow man has always been. Until you ended him. But his function was never the one you believed. He never had power. You are the source. You are the line crossing the parallel universes. One lifetime after the other.” The wolf started at me with his hard eyes.  
“So you think I can open the portal, any portal, whenever I want? Because I am some cosmic ‘ghost slash spirit’?! No no no no. That makes no sense. I clearly remember my life before I came here but I’m pretty sure I would know if I had lived multiple lifetimes in different universes!! This place,” I slapped the ground “all of it, is a fragment of someone else’s imagination! Somebody thought it up, and I accidentally love it and by some freak coincidence I was in the white room…” I stopped my confused speech. The wolf looked indifferently at me.  
“You were always the one amid.” He said again.  
“Then why don’t I know that myself?” I ran a shaking hand through my damp greasy hair.   
“The shadow man talked to you in your sleep. He was a wish-maker that feasts on the slumbering powers and toy with their memories. He was our nemesis. Once the dreamer is granted their wish he can devourer their essence. We were eternally helpless against him.” What, what, what? My mind whirled like a spinning top.  
“Then- then can I ask, how do you know all this?! Aren’t you just a part of the spirit world or- or what?!”   
“You know I am the father of the lost daughters. I care for them all. In our time and space and the other. My love has no limits. And this, child, is not the spirit world.” He bowed his head.  
Before I could ask he wolf answered.  
“This is the opaque, the limbo-ras, the amid. The doorway amongst the openings. That is why you have your power here. That is why time or space has no anchoring.”   
“Then… The white room…?”  
“Yes child. The same amid. The shadow man infiltrated our sanctuary through you.”   
The wolf gave me a minute. I needed it.   
“… What happens now?” I questioned weakly. I really felt like a child. I knew nothing. Nothing about who I really was or where I came from, and this realization was flipping my brain like a flap-jack.  
“You have demolished the shadow man. You have spared hundreds of souls. You may outlive this lifetime here if you desire.”  
“And my other… Lifetime?” I started at my hands. The amid, was that my true name.  
“It will be lost in the cycle. Exchanged for this one.”   
“So my dilemma is the same then… There is no door I can just jump back and forth from? Like every other weekend I’m in this universe and so on? Like a sheared custody?” I said hopefully.  
“You may choose one lifetime to outlive. That is a choice never given before.”   
“But it’s an impossible one!” I snapped up at him. The wolf took no offence.   
“Have you more questions child?” He hummed slowly and it made my chest vibrate.   
I did. I had all the questions. They tumbled around in my head and bumped into each other.   
“What should I do?”  
“You may choose your life when your are prepared. One lifetime will rule over the other. The other will be lost and forgotten.”  
“Forgotten? Meaning you’ll erase my memory?”   
“In time your remembrances will fade. As the one life you will not choose, have not yet happened. The cycle will continue unaffected.”  
I thought of Ursa. Of how she had forgotten her own children to find love and happiness in an impossible situation. How selfish that had been, and how deeply I now felt for her choice. I suffered a similar dilemma, only the force behind these turning wheels, where apparently opposing time and space itself. But, I could make the choice when I was ready. When I’d given it thought. When I had contemplated the fact that I evidently was some sort of super-cosmic-thing that could travel to parallel universes once I was reincarnated. I felt like I was falling. Again my stomach threatened to show me what I’d had for dinner.   
I could decide later. Later.   
A part of me remembered my current situation in captivity like remembering a fading dream.   
“If I die here, now. Then what happens?” I thought of Obake’s strange eyes for some reason.  
“Then the choice will be made for you. The third lifetime will begin. Both of these will have ended.”  
“Fine. So I can’t die then… Good to know.” I bit the inside of my cheek as fear irritated my backbone. “Do you know of the spirit Obake-shoe-something?”   
The wolf looked up on the sky.  
“He is old and empty. Obake-Shono Kei Sho, the face changer, has not been free since dawn of this world. He is a cup to fill, malicious or virtuous, Obake receives.”  
“So do you think Zuko and I can take him?” I drew my brows.  
“A cup can effortlessly be ruined.” The wolf began to stand. “I am called. Remember, child, you are the source. You hold the gift of the gatekeepers. Protect the doorway in this world and the next, and choose wisely.” He bowed to me and tuned, the tail swished in the air above me.  
“I have more questions!” I reached a hand up to the wolf. “Father?!” I felt a break in my voice.  
“You are not lost yet. Child, see within.” He echoed as he patted away in the whiteness.   
The ground under me slowly and soundlessly broke apart. Flakes of white drifted upwards as ‘the Amid’ became undone. I sniffed and wiped the emotion from my face. Light dimmed and my body began to loose weight, soon I soared down to my body.  
If only my mind could be as light as my form was in that moment. 

I drew a sharp breath and snapped my eyes open.  
It was a lot more pleasant to come back, but my whole body tingled with pins and needles. Like I’d been sitting wrong with all of my limbs until they fell asleep.   
Zuko was sitting besides me still, and his eyes fixed anxiously in mine.   
“That was a wild ride…” I croaked humorlessly. My throat was unbelievably dry, it was like someone had used it to funnel hot led and my tongue was a fuzzy lump in my mouth. I drew myself to a sit with some effort and rubbed my head. Zuko offered me a cup of cold tea and I drank eagerly, then, gulped down the whole teapot. Refreshment seemed to seep into every cell as I swallowed.   
“Are you okay?” He put the teapot down and wrung a cloth with cold water and dapped my damp forehead lightly.   
“… Yeah…” I was still settling in my thoughts.  
“Did you find the wolf-spirit?” Zuko inquired while he tried to clean me up a bit. The sentiment was sweet, but I both needed and wanted a real bath.   
“… Yeah.” I said again vaguely. “ Turned out he really was the guy with all the answers. He told me…” I trailed off and glanced at Zuko then back at my hands. I was sure it was going to sound unbelievably crazy. I still didn’t believe it myself. I was just a regular girl. Well, maybe not regular with a big ‘R’ but still.   
“He told me that I am some kind of strange gatekeeper that can open the door… So… I can either stay here or go back. But the catch is that there’s no compromise… I have to chose one world to live in…”   
We sat quietly for a moment.   
“Then… What are you going to do?” He asked tentatively.  
“I have no idea.” I said numbly.   
The single flame in the room flickered.  
“… That sucks.” Zuko sighed and hung his head for a moment. His dark hair fell over his face. I smiled warmly at him. Damn, I did love him.   
“If I really have the power within me to open portals, or whatever, I can’t see why I shouldn’t be able to find some solution that lies in between. Like, the key is to think outside the box. That’s what Aang did with Ozai. That’s what Korra did with the spirit world. And you with Republic city, for that matter.” I shrugged.  
“Korra?” Zuko questioned.  
“Oh. Ehm. Nice girl but a bit of a handful. You’ll see down the road.” I waved my hand. “My point is, that I won’t leave my family behind and I won’t leave this place. And most of all I won’t give up hope.” I could almost hear his applaud when I was done with my little speech, but when I eyed him Zuko looked quite unaffected instead.  
“… Well. There you have it.”   
“Have what?” I asked confused.  
“Your out-of-the-box-answer. Open a portal and bring your family here?”  
I dropped my jaw.  
My mom. My dad. My sister. Here?? Meeting Zuko? Seeing me bend? Living here?  
“I- I couldn’t.” I stammered.   
“Why not. It’s the obvious answer?”  
“Where would I put them?!”  
“In the palace. We have the space for it.”  
“But- But to pull them out of their entire lives to- to live here! They don’t know this place! What if they don’t like it??” I began to hyperventilate.  
“You didn’t really know my world but you figured it out, didn’t you?” Zuko was being very calm and I frustrated me slightly. Maybe I wasn’t so worried about what they would think and feel, maybe I was worried what I would. I wasn’t ready for Zuko to meet my mom, how juvenile that may sound.  
“That’s different. Listen, I can’t just break up their lives! They have jobs, school, friends in their world!”  
“If the alternative is to never see their daughter again, I think they might consider it.”  
“Aaah!” I grabbed at my hair and held it in front of my face. He had an irritating point. They would all jump off a cliff if that were the only way of seeing me again. And after all, wasn’t being together in a strange place better than not being together at all?   
“Who says I can even do it?” I muttered.  
“Who says you can’t.” I felt Zuko’s hands on mine and he removed them gently. He dug my face out of the blond hair and found my eyes.  
“What are you afraid of?” Zuko asked and tugged the strands behind my ear.  
I stubbornly bit my lip in response.  
“Because, you should know that whatever you’re worried about, it’s stupid.” Zuko smirked.  
“We hardly have any ‘alone-time’ in the palace as it is, and bringing my entire family to live with us kinda kills the romance…” I rolled my eyes and slipped out of his hands. “… And what if you don’t like them? I love them but they are... Very unlike the people you know.” My mom was funny, sweet and without inhibitions, but she could never tell a lie. My dad, an energetic know-it-all that had the most wonderful imagination. And my little sister, only just turned eight, smart and never afraid of danger. She was almost identical to Kiyi on that point, but of course she was blond like me. They were the most amazing and exhausting people to be around, but I would never give them up.   
Zuko scratched the back of his head and chuckled lowly.  
“I would think if they are just a little bit like you, then I won’t mind them at all.”  
“That’s cheap. Every guy says that.” But I smiled widely. “So we figured out the ‘what’, now to deal with the ‘how’…” I tapped my chin.   
There was a scraping against the metal door. We froze.  
It was a soft sort of noise, like someone was stroking the door from the outside.   
“Or… Maybe we should take of one thing at the time.” I said.  
“Yeah. Let’s deal with Azula and her monster first.”  
“Sh! Don’t call him that. Wolfie said that he isn’t dangerous if we’re nice to him.” I whispered and pointed on the entrance “I think Obake is on the other side of the door, and I think he can hear us.”   
“I hear everything.” A monotone voice replied dully.   
I almost yelped in surprise.   
Zuko made a face and without words asked me ‘what the hell do we do now?’. I bit at my nail for a moment and then held up my finger to say ‘hold on, I’m gonna try something’.  
Zuko’s eyes followed me as I felt my way to the door, the tiny candle wasn’t nearly enough to enlighten the room and I kept bumping into things.  
“Obake. Ehm… Changeling spirit. How are you?” I smiled and had my palm to the door. The grand wolf’s words rung in my inner ear: He is a cup to fill, malicious or virtuous, Obake receives.   
I could almost hear Zuko’s doubt from the other side of the cell.  
“How am I? I am flesh and blood in a lake of fire, I came to be from the clay.” Obake mumbled an answer that made no sense to me. Zuko rolled his eyes.  
“Ehm… Oookay. You know, I meant, how are you feeling?” I tried. Catch the fly with honey, right?   
There was a silence and Zuko was about to say something, properly something mean about the spirit, and I shook my head. He scowled silently.  
“I am feeling… Cold. The metal and stone is cold.” The spirit made the scraping sound on the other side again and I felt a small twinge of uneasiness. Like the feeling when you sit around the fire, telling ghost stories, and suddenly you can’t resist the urge to look over your shoulder. This guy sounded so wrong and quite frankly, so dead. I just had to push passed that. Even if he were a super dead ghost boy that could change his face, brrr, I could manage being nice. I could fill the cup with virtue.  
“Do you want to borrow a blanket? Or I could heat you a cup of water, we drank the tea unfortunately.”   
“Blanket?”  
“Something to keep you warm. Hold on I’ll get it.” I bumped my way to the bed and pulled off the duvet, then lid a few candles on my way back. It didn’t do much difference.   
“I don’t think it’ll fit through the slit. You have to open the door.” I stood with the duvet in my hands. Another silence settled.  
Then, a click of the lock and the door slowly swung open.   
Obake tilted his head in the doorway. His empty slit eyes gazed without seeing.  
“Here you go.” I offered the blanket to him, and he opened up his arms. I gave the blanket to the spirit, but it seemed he didn’t know what to do with it and stood like a statue staring at it.   
“Oh for god sake.” I took the blanket again and folded it around him. He looked more like a child than ever. Standing barefoot in a kimono tied loosely around his waist and wrapped in a duvet. I actually felt a little sorry for him and rubbed his arms a little.   
“There. Is that better? You should be wearing socks too perhaps.”   
Obake rounded his eyes and looked down at his feet.  
“It is better…” He mumbled lowly. Suddenly Obake didn’t seem so spooky, but I couldn’t be sure he hadn’t just gradually shape-shifted to look more ‘empathic’. I smiled to him.  
“What are you doing?! Why is the cell open!!” Zirin burst out and hauled Obake away from me. His pale hands clung to the duvet but showed no other indication of emotion.   
“Don’t listen to her, she is a manipulative witch that only wants to hurt you!! She wants to trap you again. Do you understand spirit!” Zirin yelled at Obake then tuned to me. “Don’t try anything! I will order him to kill you! I will!” She tore at the door and slammed it so hard I stumbled a step back.   
On the other side I heard Zirin continue to tell Obake nasty things, as her voice grew fainter.

“Ah, shoot.” I kicked an armchair.   
“What were you trying to do?” Zuko asked and lit a lantern on the nightstand.   
The room glowed faint red once more.  
“Just, making sure he experience kindness… The wolf said that Obake was purposeless and that I could finish him easily, but also that there might be a better way. I think he can be a good guy if he just knows what goodness is.”   
“I wonder what he can do besides changing his face.” Zuko said grimly.   
“Properly kill in some gruesome way… But it doesn’t matter-“ I waved my hand like waving away his worries, but Zuko interrupted me.  
“It matters.” He said and threw himself on the bed.  
“Not if I can convince him to join our team.” I sat on the bed too.   
Zuko snorted.  
“I can. I know I can. And as a former bad guy, you should know that people can change their course with the right influence.”   
He peered over at me.  
“Even so…” He tugged an arm behind his neck and stared at the ceiling like someone who wouldn’t get a wink of sleep despite being exhausted. The troubling thoughts were almost visually swirling around his head.   
“I’m not letting this go. Just so you know.”   
“I would never expect you to.” He sighed and lifted a dark brow.  
I arrange myself close to him and hated that we weren’t alone. Not entirely at least. It wouldn’t do, literally, to be caught with our pants down. But even if we were alone and up for a night of aggressive cuddling, I was having a hard time getting a read on my better half. I sensed Zuko was laying down some real distance between us and that it was rooted in multiple layers of emotion. Angry at getting lured in a trap I basically helped set up (okay, bad Kai), sad about me maybe leaving if I couldn’t pull my family though (yep, again, bad Kai) and lastly, worried and frustrated with my plan (which was going to work just fine, so, good Kai). Two of those problems I didn’t have an answer for, but the last one would take me a few days, tops, to solve.   
My eyes were getting heavier and I let out a loaded exhale.   
I just hoped we had a few days.  
.  
.  
.


	20. A struck heart

Chapter 20: A struck heart 

“Why didn’t you just take the scroll and run?” A hissing woke me up and made me sit up in surprise. “Now I have to break you out all over again!” A girl was scolding me and I instinctively moved my hand to Zuko to feel if he was there. Someone grabbed my hand on the bed. It felt like it was him, but telling hands apart in the dark was not the easiest thing when you were shaking off sleep. The hand gave me a small squeeze. The breath that had caught itself in my throat seemed to loosen and I regained my words.  
“Goth-girl, I mean, Ran? Is that you?” I asked the dark. Zuko lit a sudden flame in his between his fingers and Ran’s eyes and white bangs stood out in the gloom.   
“Don’t say my name so loud.” She said in a slight frown.   
“Oh. Well…” I muttered.   
“We couldn’t could we? We cannot do anything as long as Azula has her spirit weapon pointed on us.” Zuko said less than kindly.  
“Obake isn’t a weapon.” Ran narrowed her eyes.  
“No. I am not.” The monotone voice of Obake sounded on Zuko’s side of the bed and we both jumped a little when the light caught the spirit’s pale face.  
“Your only enemy here is Azula, and now that she doesn’t have Obake, her plan won’t succeed.” Ran said in a tight tone.  
“… So you not a bad guy?” I asked Obake tentatively. His black, slightly too big, pupils swallowed the light and fixed on me.  
“Bad? I am a vessel. Can a vacant box be anymore good than evil?” He chewed on the words.   
“You don’t seem so empty to me? You have opinions and a background. That doesn’t say ‘vacant’ to me, but hey, I get your point.” I shrugged. Obake drew his brows a fraction.  
“Are you with or against us?” Zuko’s words were as sharp as his duel blades.   
Ran wandered over to Obake and crouched down besides him.  
“We are helping you because we don’t want any part of Azula’s twisted plan. Neither of us.” Ran laid her arms around the spirits shoulders, however he hardly seemed to notice. “Azula is threatening Obake to be her tool and me to be her minion, but her vision for the world is a dark and sick one that we won’t help her achieve. I know I could never live in world of fear again.” She hugged Obake closer and now he turned his face to her in a small but sweet way. I detected there was a story behind their relationship.  
“Good. I don’t want that either. Too long the people has been ruled by intimidation, but if you are willing to risk your lives to break us out, why didn’t you warn me about the trap?” Zuko was still bladed but less so.   
“I didn’t know, obviously. Otherwise I would have let Kai out even earlier that day, but I had to get to the scroll first. I figured I couldn’t get you to leave before you had it.” Ran spoke almost as monotony as Obake and suddenly I understood why they made a good team. What’s a goth-girl without a ghost?  
“The scroll was a huge help. Thank you.” I responded sarcastically at her slightly snide tone.  
“Do you still have them?” Her eyes wandered to the end of the black room that held our exit.  
“Yeah. I don’t really need them anymore though.” I mumbled. The part that had been confusing and important about the script had to do with portal walking and the shadow man and the grand wolf, aka. Ancient firebender papa Zuan tuned spirit, had revealed the connection. If not a bit vaguely. I had even more questions for him however the mere thought of facing my own true self (the galactic reincarnated self that I had no recollection of) was giving me nausea. Not to mention the thought of blood boiling myself again. Not enjoyable.   
“Then I’m glad I almost got turned into flambé for it.” She was just as sarcastic and I started to like Ran a little bit. “We should get going. Are you ready to leave?”  
“More than ready.” Zuko said determined and clenched his fist and leaving our cell as dark as the inside of a coffin.

In a single filed line along the wall we snuck down the twisted cavern corridors. Or, me, Zuko and Ran snuck. Obake was wandering inattentively at our tail, but I guessed he didn’t really need to sneak since his footsteps didn’t seem to make a sound. We climbed another crocked staircase and I kept waiting for Azula to jump out and the epic battle to begin. My nerves seem to tighten with every step upward. Zuko also kept looking over his shoulder and Ran almost seemed to sprint the last distance.  
But, as it were, we reached the exit without any apparent peril.   
The low stony door pushed open a warm night, and for the first time in what seem like years, I saw the sky and the moon’s pale light.  
The palace’s lanterns gleamed and I spotted a guard freeze at the wall as he saw us emerge from the secret passageway in the roof. I craved a hot bath and a sandwich. It was utterly surreal to think that the labyrinth of danger and cells were buried right under our everyday life.   
“You should stay in touch. In case we need some more information from you.” Zuko said to Ran as soon as we’d closed the entrance firmly.  
“I would be happy to, but me and Obake isn’t setting up camp in a hundred mile radius of Azula.” Ran narrowed her eyes unkindly.   
“I understand, but we need to think of a plan to shut down Azula’s sabotage once and for all.” Zuko looked just as mean, if not meaner.   
“There’s a time and a place for that. We need Aang and the others to make that decision. No offence Zuko, but you might be to close to this one to find a constructive solution.” I laid a hand on his shoulder but he didn’t soften like I would expect.  
“And what about the spirit?” He said gloomily. Obake was gawking at the moon like a kid seeing it for the first time. “We don’t know if he’s dangerous.”  
“Does he look dangerous to you?” Ran snarled.  
“Guys, bear with me, but let’s take this inside?” I tried to smooth the atmosphere, and besides I really really wasn’t feeling this conversation.  
“There’s no way we’re staying for one second longer. You might worry about him, but I would worry more about your sister.” Ran strode over to Obake and grabbed his hand. The spirit took a moment to grab hers back. I noticed that he’d drifted in his appearance and Obake was now looking more like a teenager than a boy. He eyed Ran who was glaring at Zuko.  
“If you run away now you’re helping Azula, whether you want it or not!” He clenched his jaw and I would think that he was strongly considering just throwing the two of them in his own dungeon.   
“Listen. What about taking them to Ursa’s safehouse? It is far away, well-protected and only we know where it is.” I turned to Zuko.  
“I don’t want them near my family?!” He said in angry chock.   
Ran looked practically poisonous.   
“You are not being fair. They did just break us out, remember?” I was getting a tad aggravated too.  
“We could have gotten out ourselves if we hadn’t been threated by the spirit thing’s powers!”   
“Obake is not dangerous. He was a captive, just like you.” Ran said fiercely under her breath.  
“How do we know for sure? What else can he do besides change?” Zuko was on the brim of yelling, and I feared that someone might hear us in the depths. This seemed like a very cinematic opportunity for the bad guys to get the better of us. Azula and her remaining goons could be readying an attack while we quarreled mindlessly. I was just about to point this out, but Obake took the word.  
“Do you wish to see?” He asked expressionlessly.  
The three of us stared at him.   
Obake slowly let Ran’s hand go.   
“My influence lies in the change. For all.”  
“You don’t have to show anything. I know you don’t like it.” Ran was soft to him, but his strange eyes were already closed in concentration. I watched him. Watched that pale face in the blue night. A wobbly feeling of being at high sea washed over me. Zuko drew a sharp breath through his teeth.  
“This is my doing.” Obake muttered with eyes shut. I couldn’t see what he was referring to as I scanned the space and then the wide-eyed faces of my company.   
The only thing that was amiss was the non-existing waves that made my balance shaky.   
“Oh.” It dawn on me that the change had to be appearing in me. I lifted my hands to my face and gasped. The touch of skin was like touching another’s face. I cringed and then caught a glimpse of my pale hands. The nails were long, pale pink and sharp like… Well… Like Azula’s.  
“Turn her back. Now.” Zuko commanded in horror. Obake took a deep breath and the unsteady feeling subsided.   
My hands faded from pale to somewhat tanner, the nails became shorter and now bore the evidence that I was a nail biter instead. It also felt like I grew an inch or two.   
“That. That is his only power. Do you believe me now?” Grumbled Ran lowly and rubbed Obake’s shoulders that seemed to shudder. He rested his head to her neck.  
“But…” Zuko looked apprehensive.  
“She was lying… Azula tricked us.” I stated.  
“She doesn’t even know he can do this.” Ran said. “Obake and me have kept it a secret.”  
“And a good thing too. It would’ve been disastrous if Azula could take the shape of anyone… I believe you Ran, Obake isn’t threatening to anyone. I’m sorry we made you both go through that. I really do think the safehouse is our best option.”   
Zuko looked grim but I figured he couldn’t find a suiting argument.  
“Where are the others? Do you think Aang could fly Obake and Ran to the other side?”  
“I’ll send a hawk now.” Zuko said harshly and strode along the roof.   
“And you two come with me. I think Obake could use a break.” I walked over to them and the spirit opened his eyes a little. Now they were yellow like Zuko’s and it startled me slightly.  
“We’ll only wait until dawn.” Ran heaved Obake’s slender arm over her neck.  
I nodded and took the spirits other arm over my own. 

 

“I can’t believe that Azula would do that! That’s so- so- so evil!” Sokka looked horrified.  
The Gaang had arrived faster than we’d dared hope for and now we were occupying the ‘peace room’ and trying to think out a plan. This time even Toph had been called to arms but she and her metal students would not arrive for a few days as they were all the way over in the Earth Kingdom and we needed Appa for transporting Ran and Obake.  
“Believe it.” Zuko said grimly. He hadn’t even lightened up when the others had come to our aid.  
“This is all so complex. But where did she get a hold of an old scroll like that?” Katara drew her brows as she spoke. Quiet settled as we pondered that.  
“From the olden man.” Obake said after a time. All of our six pairs of eyes turned to him. He had been lingering at the very end of the long-table while we discussed what should be done.   
“Olden man?” I inquired.   
Obake tilted his head and in folding lines his face changed. It took a moment for the transformation to be complete but once it was done, we all gulped. Not only had it looked grizzly and unsettling to see Obake turn into someone else but the face he had put on was of a man we’d all known very well.   
It was Zhao.  
“It can’t be.” Katara covered her mouth.  
“No.” Sokka starred in disbelief.  
“But he is dead! Lost at the North!” Ran said shivering.  
“… In spirit world… He wanders in the spirit world…” I whispered and the blood ran cold in my veins. Aang said nothing but tightened the grip on the staff in his lap.  
“Obake, isn’t that true? That Azula met Zhao in the spirit world and he gave her the scroll?” I asked. It had to have been the very same scroll I knew he had so many years ago on the ship. The one that Khun told me about!  
“The olden’s mind is gone, he walks in the fog of lost souls.” Obake nodded. “I took the princess of fire to him.”  
“You helped her??” Sokka stood and pointed his dagger at Obake. “We can’t trust this thing!”  
“That’s what I’ve been saying all along.” Zuko growled.   
“He didn’t know what he was doing. Stop accusing him.” Ran stood too and stepped in front of the spirit. “Make up your minds. Are we allies or enemies.” It wasn’t a question.   
“Ran is right. We need to work together. There’s no point in arguing over sides when we face the same threat.” Aang finally spoke.   
“We have faced Azula before and we can do it again.” Katara laid a hand on Aang’s shoulder.   
“I’ll say! I mean a bloodbender, a blood boiler and the avatar? That’s a team hard to match.” Sokka still kept his eye on Obake.  
“But we don’t want to kill her Sokka.” I said tightly. I could never ‘off’ somebody using my bending, and much less my boyfriend’s sister!  
“We should kill her.” Zuko said in a hiss. He clenched his fists and stared at the table. Sokka flopped back down in his seat.   
“You don’t mean that…” Katara tried.  
“I do.” And I could see the hate whirling in him.  
“You know that isn’t the answer. It would only kill a part of you too.” I spoke to the cup of tea I had in my hands. Zuko didn’t move.  
“I personally wouldn’t miss her, but whatever you want to do, you should be quick about it. Obake and I said we were leaving at first light, and I believe that’s now.” Ran spoke calmly and tugged at Obake to persuade him to come with her.  
“What about the gatekeeper?” Obake asked dully.  
I snapped my head to him.  
“What are you talking about now? What are spirits always full of mumbo-jumbo nonsense!?” Sokka barked at Obake.  
“What could the gatekeeper do?” I asked tentatively.  
Sokka threw his hands up in a ‘see what I mean’ gesture.  
“You could banish her from this world?” Obake answered and Ran had stopped tugging.  
I mulled it over.  
“… Isn’t that a bit… Drastic?” I looked at my tea. I imagined Azula being banished to a world completely unlike her own. Scared and alone and without the ability to bend. Well, maybe she wouldn’t be scared and lonely, I wasn’t sure those emotions were within her grasp, but she would sorely miss her bending. And what if she really changed her ways? And wanting to be reunited with her family -I would have destroyed the chance of that happening. But maybe that wasn’t my shot to call… After all Zuko was very firmly set on the idea to just kill her, and then wouldn’t a life in exile be better? I gulped. There was also the teeny tiny detail that I had no idea how to open anything –though I knew I could.  
“I have no idea what you two are talking about but nothing is too drastic! Look at how much damage Azula had managed to do single handedly! I guarantee that if we go easy on her this time, she’ll make us regret it.” Sokka argued.   
“Are you the gatekeeper Kai?” Aang asked softly. “Can you banish her without ending her life?”  
“… Maybe.” I glanced up and saw everyone expecting a fuller answer.  
“Listen. If that’s what you guys want. I’ll try.” I ran a hand over the back of my neck.  
“It seems like we don’t have a better alternative.” Katara said quietly.  
I sighed and got to my feet.  
“I’m going to bed. Wake me up when we get ambushed.” I sighed and waved my hand at the lot of them. These last few days had been years in my mind, and now I was asked to do yet another impossible thing. Obake got up too. He gently brushed Ran off his shoulder and she looked worried.   
“I’ll follow you.” He said at my heel.  
“Sure. Why not.” I left the room without looking back.  
I felt like I was about to let everyone down.

“When you said you’d follow me, I didn’t think you meant this…” I frowned and eyed Obake who was sprawled on my bed, taking up the majority of it while I was changing into pajamas behind a dressing screen. I had taken a quick refreshing shower and Obake had been on the other side of the door when I’d open it. Giving me a heart attack.   
Now, I was getting dressed to shoo him out, but as I saw him lying there I felt a tad sympatric towards the spirit. He was completely exhausted too.  
“So. Are you going to nap on my bed? I’ll just go in guest champers then.” I said as I emerged from behind the screen in my silk nightclothes. I’d picked the black pants and tie top set in case we really were ambushed. Good for sleeping, better for fighting in.   
“You need my help.” Obake said without moving.   
“Do I?” I lifted a brow.  
“The secret of The Amid. I could show you.” He muttered.  
“No offence but how do you know anything about that? Is it just common spirit knowledge?” I smirked at my own wittiness.  
“I was there when this world was born. Therefor I know its bonds.”  
“Fine. Then show me.” I strangled a yawn as I spoke.  
“Come in my arms.” Obake said. And though it was complete dead and without suggestion I was a little flushed by his request.   
I glanced at the door, then at the spirit who was looking uninterestingly at the ceiling.  
“Ehm…” I stepped hesitantly toward the bed. His long black hair was surrounding his face and the pale arms were outstretched to either side. He was still holding the shape of a young boy and I felt very uncomfortable about the thought of lying down with him in any regard.   
“I don’t think I can do that…” I finally said after a notable pause.  
Obake lifted himself up like someone with a severe hangover. The long hair was flowing to his waist and the kimono revealed the pale flesh under it. Black tattoos were clearly visible on his ribs.   
“Then I will come to you.” He spoke and crossed the room.  
“I- I would like to know what you are about to d-“ I was backing away but Obake’s long arms enveloped me before I could finish my sentence.   
I truly had no reason for blushing because the spirit was so detached from the physical plane that he hardly thought about the intimate suggestion of the situation, but I leaned a little away from him in the hug. I could feel his chest press against me in a deep breath.   
Obake’s arms tightened around my stiff limbs.  
And then the flash of white opened up The Amid under us.  
I couldn’t help but to shriek a little.

It was like taking the express line instead of the plain old train.   
We plummeted toward the whiteness with no bottom and stopped abruptly right over the ground, before gently being let down.  
Obake stepped back and looked around the white trees in a daze.  
“This was both faster and much less painful than blood boiling, for sure.” I blew the hair out of my face. He pointed at the blue lake and started wandering toward it.   
We walked some distance in silence. I had to wait for my stomach to arrive down here too before I could talk. Obake seemed to grow taller with every step and he now looked like a slender and graceful man. It hurt the eyes to look directly at him while he shifted in his form -like those black and white staring-pictures that would reveal a image if you looked hard enough.  
“Hey, Obake… What does your future look like with Ran exactly?” I started small talking, and I was simply curious. I didn’t know what their relationship was like, but I guessed that they were platonic partners in crime.  
“Her future is too short. Ran is a creature tied to decease and I to eternity. She is the only presents I would like to die for.” The kimono flowed in the missing wind and he sounded much more coherent in here. I guessed it was because he was more comfortable in the otherworldly surroundings.   
“Could you make her immortal if you wanted to?”  
“It has never been done.” He glanced down at me. “But so has many impossible things, that have now come to pass.” In here, in the white woods I suddenly saw Obake as he was. He was a picturesque and warm person and I was ashamed to confess that had severely misjudged the spirit.  
“Well, speaking of which. Do you know if it’s possible to pull someone from another word through the gateway?” I asked as we walked through the forest.  
“It is possible to bring them here. But they would stop existing as soon as their being would enter the other world. Only the spirits and the gatekeeper can cross over fully.” A heavy stone smashed down on my heart. I had thought it was a real option, if not a crazy and silly one. There was a pause where I mourned the brilliant plan.  
“Oh! Then what about Azula? Didn’t you say I could banish her to another world?” I breathed.  
“And so you can. This one.”  
“The Amid? But it’s so hollow? Nobody could survive here!” I stopped in my tracks and Obake tuned slightly surprised to me.   
“This is a doorway. It is supposed to be hollow.” He said plainly.  
“Wouldn’t she starve? Or go insane in here?”  
“Her body would be preserved but I cannot make any assumptions about her mind.”  
One this was to banish her to another world where she could make new friends and probably enslave a strange life-form just for the heck of it, but to send her here would be as to kill her. Maybe worse. I didn’t know how long I would be able to stay in this white bubble of nothing. Not long, was my guess.  
“Then why did you bring me here in the first place?” I was crossed.  
“Because I can help you with your other problem. You don’t want to let either of the places go. You want to choose them both, no?” Obake tilted his head, and instead of being creepy, it was now an elegant gesticulation.   
I didn’t answer.  
“Then come with me. I will show you to a solution.” Obake started walking toward the lake again and his long hair trailed him as if under water.  
“Why are you helping me?” I asked his back.  
“You asked the same question to Ran, and the answer is the same. Love.” He was walking deeper among the trees. “I see your love, like you see mine for Ran.”

The lake was as wide and blue as I knew it would be. The undisturbed surface a perfect mirror to reflect nothing. Obake stepped in the shallows and reached for my hand. I took it and together we started walking out toward the middle.  
I gasped as the water was as cols as glacier water once it got above the knee. He drew me out further and the ice pains prickled at my feet. The bottom of the lake was smooth as paper but I kept having the sensation that something would suddenly grab or bite at my ankles. When the water reached my chin I clawed at Obake’s forearm and without hesitation he pulled me to him and kept walking.   
“Wha- what are y- you doing?!” I frantically tried to keep my head above water but I kept getting water in my mouth. “Yo- yo- you do know that I can- bah, can’t breathe under water ri- right?!” I tried to push myself from him, but the sprit was holding effortlessly on to me like an iron statue. Obake’s hair rolled on the waters surface and I had to fight to get a breath of air in panicked gulps between the small waves.   
Still, he when deeper.   
Now I was sure he tried to drown me and I struggled in his hold like a cat getting bathed. When we were both fully submersed I would expect us to start floating but instead Obake’s steps were as smooth and steady as they had been on land. I pulled myself face to face with him and gestured that I needed to get ‘up’. The breath I was holding started to prickle and burn. I needed air!! Finally he stopped, but instead of letting me break the surface, be put my feet to the white bottom. I had to breathe and the air blasted from my lips to take a new breath. But instead of filling my lungs with the water I’d thought would drown me, I took a breath of something else entirely. It wasn’t air, but it wasn’t completely unlike air either.   
“This is not water.” Obake said as he let me go. His words as crisp as if spoken in a soundproof box.   
I straightened. Our clothes and hair had no weight down here. I grabbed at the ‘not water’ and felt resistance. The blue was black further out and the slope kept creeping downward. I frowned at Obake.  
“It is chi.” He said and offered his hand to me again.  
“No thank you.” I rolled my eyes at his outstretched hand then gazed at the darkness ahead. “Chi? But who’s?” I muttered.  
“This is the chi of the dead gatekeepers. It is the greatest treasure in all of the worlds.” Obake started walking again. I was not feeling very good about following him in the cold darkness.   
“Always with the dead and the creepy… Where are we going?” I asked as I tailed him. My hair was a cloud swirling every which way I moved. Far above the white light illuminated the surface.   
“To the heart of the sanctum. That’s where you will get to hold both realms in you hands.”   
“… Neat.” I said and some worry leaked through. 

It would be a shame to say that I had been a religious person in my previous life but since entering through to the world of the avatar I was starting to understand spirituality on a whole other level. Part of that was due to being set face to face with it, like I was now.   
Deep in the dark, a huge ball of opaque ice blue chi swirled near the bottom. At the size of a small floating stadium the ball turned memorizing like silvery fish.   
“This is where your work begins.” Obake lifted his arms to the ball. “As the gatekeeper you are granted life after life, and each life comes from this heart. There is energy enough to power incomprehensibly many lifetimes… Or even several universes simultaneously for a time.” He gazed down at me to see if I was catching on. I was, somewhat.   
“At the moment the two parallels are both draining the chi. Even though one of them is almost dormant it is eating away at the energy. If you choose to keep both of your homes, there may not be enough energy for you to live again. When the two lifetimes are ended so will the cycle of the gatekeeper.”  
“So… I live and die in my world then, live and die one more time here, and that’s it? Lights out?”  
“Or you live fully in one now, and be reborn again for eternity, you may even be reborn here or in ‘your world’ in a few eras.”  
“But that is not what I want…” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.  
I hung my head. If it had been anyone else standing in my position, if I could remember my past lives or had any inkling of the what the cosmic ‘plan’ was, the decision would properly be a very different one.   
“Am I being selfish?” I still hadn’t lifted my head. The thought were as if they had real weight to them.  
“Love is selfish. It is the purest form of favoritism.” Obake said softly.   
“I feel like I’m the bad guy for quitting my job so to speak... Won’t the gateway be vulnerable without a protector?”  
Obake sighed calmly and observed the sphere of chi.  
“Perhaps. There will always be many perils where there is power. But everything that has a beginning has an end, I believe someone once said to me.” Obake had the faintest of smiles on his lips.  
The sphere whirled on and the gleams of reflecting light danced on the white bottom.   
I shook my head as if to clear the doubt like on an etch-a-sketch.   
“So… What exactly do I do here?” I said firmly.   
The spirit started instructing the process of conveying the unfathomably powerful energy of time and space so that I could bend the universes to my sole will.  
It wasn’t rocket science actually. 

When we crashed back in to our bodies in the palace, and I say crashed because taking the express line also had it’s disadvantages, I fell backwards with immense force and I collided with the open wardrobe. Piles of silken robes and boxes of ribbons fell on my head and I cursed. Something at the bottom of the wardrobe shattered.  
Obake had shed himself of the graceful and beautiful form I had witnessed in The Amid, and had returned to his more modest ‘boy’ shape. He reached out to me in a delayed reaction to help me to my feet. As he did my door was opened. A perplexed Zuko observed the scene with no humor.   
I let Obake’s hand go and brushed a set of lacy stockings off my head.  
“Hi.” I said tentatively.   
“I thought you were sleeping. But I can see I am interrupting something else entirely.” He said coldly.  
“We were just finishing up.” I replied just as coldly, then added in a friendlier voice “Obake could you give Zuko and me a minute? I think we have some things to talk about.”  
The spirit looked at me with a vague expression.  
“Go and hang out with Ran. Your girlfriend.” I sighed and pushed the spirit to the door where Zuko gloomily stepped aside. Once we were alone I glanced at him a little hurt.  
“Why are you being so mean to me?”   
“… I’m not?” He looked genuinely taken aback, the icy attitude melting off him like dew in the sun.  
“Maybe mean is the wrong word. I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. Like we have a problem, but I can’t guess exactly what it is, so you have to tell me.” I leaned against the wall. Zuko stared at me a long moment, then shook his head.  
“You’re the one not telling me the whole story. You’re keeping me in the dark again and I don’t know why. It’s the same issue over and over, and I just thought we’d moved past it.”  
I was offended by that. He was the only person I’d ever let this close to me. At least of what I remembered. And excuse me for forgetting to touch base once in a while, when my existence was turned upside down!   
“Hey, we’re both pretty private people, and we haven’t had a single chance to actually test drive our relationship in a ‘normal’ day to day routine so how could we have moved past anything? I would expect the same issue to come back in ten years or twenty. It’s who we are.” I wasn’t the most diplomatic in my tone.  
It true for every relationship, nobody’s perfect. The real question that remains is, can you overcome the issue and handle its presence or not.   
“Who we are? I’m not even sure I know what that means anymore, maybe I never have. There’s so much your haven’t told me, but everybody else seems to know about you… You’re a gatekeeper?” He wasn’t angry, just upset. I bit my cheek.  
“Okay… I see your point. A little bit. I wanted to let you in an all these things but I only just found out myself, and we haven’t had a single moment.” I sighed, the anger seeping out of me.   
“That’s true…” He looked like he was feeling the same absence of temper. “But we do now.” Zuko wandered unhurriedly over to me. His amber eyes always caught me off guard and I still felt like they weren’t mine to look into. I ran a hand over my neck.   
“So… I guess it started with Azula getting ahold of Zhao’s scroll right. Then we did the chi thing and I spoke to Wolfie aka. Firebender Zuan...” I began.   
Outside the day dawned, and turned to midday while I told Zuko about everything that I knew and how I felt about it. I still hadn’t completely realized my status as a gatekeeper of The Amid, and I couldn’t remember squad about my previous lifetimes. I also filled him in on that either of our plans wasn’t going to work because only spirits and gatekeepers could travel unharmed through the doors, and so we needed another idea for Azula if we didn’t just want to lock her in a white bobble. Besides I wasn’t sure that she couldn’t do any damage to the chi while in there. I finished my slight ramble with how Obake having showed me to the chi heart in the lake, and my elaborate proposal to get my selfish cake and eat it too.  
“Obake was a big help. I wouldn’t have figured it out without him.”   
I was spacing out on the furry carpet by the sitting area and Zuko was half-lying on the blood red récamier. He had ridded himself of both topknot and cape during my monologue.  
“Kai that’s...” He muttered to the jade ceiling.   
“Yeah… It’s a lot. I don’t know if I have fully understood my own power yet, but… It’s a lot.”  
“But then you will never be reincarnated.” He stated and frowned at me. “You’ll die like everyone else.”  
“You make it sound so horrible. I never expected to live, like, forever? I don’t think I would like to, in fact.” I said meekly.   
“… I can’t let you do that.”  
I rolled on my stomach and held my chin in my hands. He was so tortured to look at.   
“It’s good you’re not my boss then.” I lifted an arrogant brow.   
Zuko blinked and then frowned deeper at me. I looked away and heaved myself to sit.   
“If it’s because you don’t want to be together, you should know you wouldn’t be the only reason why I’d stay.” I lied.   
He was of course, but it was perhaps a bit too much pressure on our relation. And on my pride.   
“It isn’t that. I just… What if… You regret it… All of it. Then I would have…” He trailed off.   
I hadn’t seen him having this kind of doubt before and it made me draw a silent breath.   
“I won’t.” I said gravely.  
“How do you know? In ten years. Twenty.” He said my own words back to me.  
I stood suddenly and then sat heavily on his hips, the narrow divan could just hold us both. Zuko had to huff comically.   
Then I looked down at him and stroked some of the dark hair out of his eyes. He was beautiful like always but now I could also see beyond that. A baffled expression glided over his features and his lips were slightly parted.  
“I won’t.” I said a little quieter and leaned down to his face.   
He met me in a caring kiss that sent warmth through my body. Zuko’s hands brushed over my thighs that straddled him. Pushing me down on him. First gently and then more insistently. I moaned softly against his mouth and he let out a heated breath too. My fingers twirled his silky hair between them.  
Zuko moved under me and struck the right nerve. Passion flushed my cheeks. We melted into a deeper kiss. It made me shiver when he bit gently at my bottom lip.   
Gripping me close to his chest and not breaking from me he sat up.   
I tugged at the waistband of his robes and he was following along and loosening my top with steady fingers. I gasped at the warm air when we drew back a fraction.   
“Whether you want it or not…” I whispered, my voice shaking slightly because my heart was ponding so hard. “I couldn’t live forever knowing I’d be without you.” I touched his lips with my fingertips before I kissed them again. I opened my soul to him, because it was the truth, and in that moment I felt like I was light as air.   
His hands ran over my back and up in my hair. Zuko tugged at it slightly so he could lick my exposed neck. His tongue was hot like coal and another chill made my shoulders shudder.  
I glided out of my top and my chest was bare. His fingers touched me softly past my collarbone and I made a sound of surprise as he pinched me. I moved my hips on him. The yellow orbs were observing me with desire and I felt a twinge of something dark stir when I realized he was mine like I was his.  
“You are why I breathe, Kai.” He leaned in and mumbled against my sensitive skin.  
“Take off your clothes.” I sighed against him.

“I’m not a tease.” I huffed and gathered my messy hair in an even messier bun. I was sitting naked on the divan and observing Zuko tying on his pants. He was without a shirt and the ties were low on his hips. It was very sexy. I drifted over to him and made a pleased noise as I touched his chest.   
“I would never call you a tease.” Zuko crooked his head to catch my eyes. When he did, he smirked.   
“Don’t look at me like that.” I bit my lip in a smile.  
“Like what?” He pecked my cheek but the smirk never faded.  
“Like it’s going to your head.” I joked.  
Zuko chuckled and ran his hands lightly over my curves. The blush gathered strength again.  
“We’re screwed if there’s an attack going on right now…” I mumbled and considered undoing the knot on his clothes again.   
“Technically we’re both screwed as of just a moment ago.” He said subtly.  
I breathed out a shocked laugh and drew back.  
“I didn’t know you could be so crass mr. firelord sir!”  
“You are rubbing off on me.” He smirked.  
“I sure was just a moment ago.” I stuck out my tongue at him. We both broke out in laughter.  
A loud and sudden pounding on our door made me jump.  
“My lord!! Intruders! In the grand hall!” A guard called, but then we heard him running.  
“Azula.” A darkness washed over Zuko.  
“Nice of her to wait this long.” I frowned just as deeply and started pulling on my clothes in double tempo. “We still haven’t discussed what the plan for her was. Do you really want me to lock her in The Amid? I mean, the white woods?” I tightened the tie on my top.  
Zuko looked even grimmer if that was possible.  
“I agree with you. I don’t think that’s what should be done…” He was dressed and started to striding toward the exit. I was pulling on a stubborn boot but tossed it aside when it was putting up a fight.  
“Then what do you suggest Zuko?”   
He’d lingered in the doorway, examining the hall for danger.  
“Let’s see how it goes. Maybe we can find a more humane solution but… If push comes to shove, I’ll do what’s necessary to ensure the peace of the Firenation.” He said sternly, though, when he glanced down at me I saw it he was hoping for the better. I did too if I’m being perfectly honest. 

Pillar dust and blue fire was exploding from one of the huge halls in the palace and Zuko and me sprinted dead ahead towards it. I heard Katara scream and then a chilling laugh. It was Azula alright.   
We skidded around the corner on the smooth marble floor and arrived in the epicenter of the fight.   
In the beautiful and splendid hall of the Golden Tile, as it was referred to, a confusing turmoil took place. Palace guards were fighting a group of scruffy-looking people on the floors and several elemental matches were taking place at once.   
The Golden Tile room was called so because it was the only white and gold hall of the palace and it had always been one of my favorites. Glazed patterns ran up tall pillars and ancient ornamented gold dragons flowed along the tiles… Or they’d once done so.   
“Aw…” I sighed as I saw Aang was breaking apart the floor to shield Katara from one of Azula’s blasts.   
“Come on we have to help.” Zuko grabbed my hand and we ran right in to the crossfire.   
In the mist of the scuffle two men jumped at us - one of them a firebender and the other a man had made a chair leg his weapon of choice. In a swift and harmonious set of moves Zuko and me deflected their attacks. We fought them off back to back, throwing flames and blows in perfect precision. It felt surprisingly good to fight poorly trained goons for once. Like cutting a hot blade through butter. It’s good for an ego-boost too. I glanced over my shoulder and Zuko smirked just as arrogantly. Teamwork!   
When the two lower-tier baddies were down we picked up pace again.   
I couldn’t see Obake or Ran anywhere and I hoped they’d had enough sense to leave earlier.   
What I did see was a bunch of minions I couldn’t figure out how Azula had managed to gather in such a short time and Katara huddled on the floor, grabbing her arm that looked limp. I scanned the space for Azula’s chi-blocker. Aha. Zirin was doing her best to paralyze Sokka, but to my amazement he was putting up a decent fight against her quick fists.   
Good, that meant Katara’s arm was likely to just be stunned and not broken. It’s always bad tactics if the healer gets taken out first. And of course she was my friend and I didn’t want to see her permanently injured, duh.   
Aang and Azula were at it and the ground trembled when another pillar broke apart to our right.   
We dove to avoid the falling bits of stone and plaster.  
A wild-looking woman came at us in a fierce battle cry, but she was down before she could even land a single hit on either of us.   
“You go protect Katara, I don’t think she can bend, and I’ll help Aang!”   
Zuko nodded and we split up.   
I jumped over a lively ripple in the floor and landed behind Azula. Aang sent a powerful windblast meant for Azula but it was aiming at me too. Azula leaped acrobatically over it and I threw myself behind a pillar. I chased my breath and dove inside to find my bending.   
Finding my opponent's blood stream.   
I saw for my inner eye how her blood started warming, but before I could pinpoint her I was knocked down. As I hit the floor I tasted metal in my mouth. A random goon, that seemed way below Azula’s minion status I may add, had tackled me and was forcefully pinning me to the ground. I used an old handy-dandy-trick-a-roo and blew a flame up in his face. The man hurled himself to the side with hands patting out the fire in his bangs. I noted that he was wearing a tattered dark red set, as was the rest of the group and it occurred to me that these were inmates of the royal prison! Azula had created a giant prison-break and thus gathered this filth to fight for her. I just hoped she’d had mind enough to leave Ozai in there.  
I got to my feet and spat out the blood from my teeth, in a second I had the man’s plasma on the brim of boiling and I bended him without mercy until he fainted. I felt no remorse what so ever.  
I moved on to positioning Azula again. She was harder to keep still in my mind and therefor harder to bend. I ducked behind a splintered table and squeezed my eyes shut.   
The battle grew louder and more violent around me. Plaster sprung from the ceiling and the pieces of shattered tile filled the air.   
“Aang!!” Katara called horrified, and I forced myself not to look, but instead concentrate on bringing Azula to her knees. If she would just take a freaking second to catch her breath!  
“Azula stop this!” I heard Zuko yell.  
“You are always pleading me to stop, but don’t you see that I am doing this for your own good? For our nation? You always knew that I was meant for the throne, brother!” Azula yelled back.   
An eruption of fire roared. I guessed that Zuko had stepped in for Aang and I knew that was a bad match. He was underestimating her.   
Grr! Damn! Stand still you little… I thought and clenched my teeth.  
“You’re wrong! I am, and will always be the firelord, Azula.” He said sternly and another fire burst rushed through the grand hall. I could feel the heat in a gush of wind.  
“Not always I would think.” She said in a cold laugh.   
There! Gotcha! I snapped my eyes open.  
I saw the cells rushing in her veins. The red pulsing in her slender body, and I forced them to shake.   
“Ah!” I heard Azula gasp in surprise somewhere close, but instead of yielding to me she flipped in to over-drive and the blue flames seemed to be everywhere.  
“Where is she?!” She hissed and I bended her harder. “Where’s your blood-witch!?!” Azula screamed.  
“If you give up now she won’t kill you!” Zuko called out to his sister.   
As I sat there, feeling like I was a coward for not contributing physically to the battle, I saw someone zoom past my hiding spot. It was Zirin. Sokka was down. He lying like a saggy caterpillar, and cursing the hell out of the chi-blocker.   
The blue fire grew wilder and she’d added her trademark lightening that exploded through the ceiling right above me.   
Zirin was going to block Zuko and then he wouldn’t be able to deflect Azula’s attacks, not to mention that the grounds were still overrun with prison-escapees that would love to put the his head on a spike. I jumped to my feet and saw the battle in all its destructive glory.   
Zirin was sprinting fast and low and she was dodging all of the palace guards attacks effortlessly. I couldn’t see Aang or Katara anywhere and cold found my stomach.  
Zuko was splitting Azula’s flames so they wouldn’t hit him but the strain on him was clear. It had to be backbreaking work to keep deflecting wave after brutal wave of blue fire and lightning. I stretched out my hand to Azula and sent my entire bending influence in her direction.   
Finally it broke through.   
The flames dried out and died.   
Azula fell to her knees, wheezing. Once I had full control I kept my effect strong but loosened the grasp so that she wouldn’t completely fry. I realized I was still gritting my teeth together and I finally relaxed my sore jaw. My mouth was still bleeding and the unmistakable taste of old coins covered my tongue.  
Zuko looked pretty battered and when he glanced up we each other’s eyes across the hall. I gave him a faint smile as to say: ‘we did it, the hard part’s over’.   
Unfortunately it wasn’t.  
Just then Zirin’s fast palms jabbed him rapidly from behind and he collapsed much like his sister to the ground. I cursed. I was way over here spending every ounce of bending on Azula and he was way over there. And our allies were nowhere in sight. I spat again and drew my brows. The convicts were overpowering our guards but the firenation military had to be right on our doorstep. I deliberated whether or not they would be able to save the day in time. Maybe.   
Either way, this was a shitty situation.  
A middle-aged man with one eye had observed Zirin and her handy-work like myself, and he was now making his way ferociously towards them. Shoving and burning everyone on his path.   
Cold sweat trickled down my forehead. I had to let my hold on Azula go if I was to help Zuko in any way. Damn, damn, damn. We really could have used Toph or even the Kyoshi warriors right now. What we truly needed of course was the avatar, but he was dillydallying somewhere out of sight!   
Zirin hissed at the one-eyed guy like a cat.   
“Kai!” I heard someone call from behind and saw Ran and Obake running towards me. I had never in my life been so glad to see a couple of people that I hardly knew.   
“Get Zuko out of here, and while you’re at it take Sokka too! They’ve been paralyzed!” I shouted at them. The one-eyes guy had almost reached Zirin and her pray.  
Obake moved faster than my eyes could catch. Ran was sprinting behind him, grabbing his shoulders. Suddenly they both flew over the battle. The spirit unwound its form and shape-shifted in into a giant white fox mid-leap. Ran held on to the fur. I had to pick up my jaw from the floor.   
The man and Zirin both fell backwards as Obake and Ran landed in between them, snarling.   
Briskly and efficiently Ran had grabbed Zuko and heaved him over the fox’s back, and in two jumps they had a hold of Sokka too. He was loudly freaking out over the whole thing.   
“And for god’s sake bring the avatar back!! I need Aang!” I yelled at them as they darted past me and out the hall.   
I let out a loaded breath but still didn’t move. At this point I was afraid I would break my hold on Azula if I stirred even an inch. I’d never bended anyone for this long before and it was getting old real fast.  
On the battlefield the criminals had clearly gained the upper hand, and Zirin was getting to her feet along with pissed-off-one-eye guy. And they were both shooting me death glares.  
Sending the reinforcements away had been a mistake.   
“Ah…” I murmured. 

It was only just getting around to afternoon, but to me this fight had already gone on for ages. With no sleep for days, no real sit-down-dinners and no long baths I was already on my breaking point. And let’s not forget the toils of my trip to The Amid and the sexy times with my boyfriend.  
My hand was beginning to tremble and beads of sweat rolled off my brow.   
Zirin was snaking her way through the fighting masses and one-eye dude proceeded to burn everything and everyone to make a trail.   
Aang… Do the avatar thing! My mind sang mockingly in a stressed note.   
Azula pulled herself up to her hands and knees.   
The bending hold was reaching its limit and I felt it fading.   
I might as well let go now! But then you’ll be facing three opponents instead of just two? Yeah maybe, but I can’t fight the two of them at all like this! My mind argued with itself.  
One-eye guy bellowed, picked up a guard and threw him through the stain glass window. I gulped.  
Either fry her or let go!!   
“Azula! I’m giving you a choice here! I can’t hold you gently like this for much longer. I either take your life, or at least some of it, or I let you go!” I hissed through my teeth. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I also don’t trust you one single bit! If I release you I need to know you won’t kill me instead!!” I shouted desperately as the tremors grew in my arm.  
“F- Fine! I won’t fight back!” She croaked. “You h- have my word.”  
“That doesn’t mean squad to me. What else! Give me a reason to spare you! It’s now or never Azula!”  
My two challengers were already two thirds of the way across the hall.   
“I swear o- on my mo- mother!” She yelled back almost as desperately.  
“Well, that’s squad too, but it will have to do.” I spat and broke my influence in her.   
Azula looked like someone taking a frantic lungful of air after spending too long under water.  
I turned my aim to Zirin first and blasted a broad orange fire towards her. She was quicker than me and glided under it. In a flash she was in front of me, punching her speedy fingers allover to find an opening. I blocked her attacks and managed to kick her forcefully away. Zirin skated along the broke tile floor in a huff. I tuned to watch Azula but she was gone. Well. Predictable.  
Instead one-eyed dude was running towards me like a tank on fire. I wasn’t prepared for another defense. In a slight panic I put my palms up to brace the impact, but before he could crash in to me something swept him away.  
Azula had kicked the guy so hard that he slid the same way as Zirin and flopped heavily on top of her. Zirin screeched irritated at the unconscious dude.   
Azula landed bedsides me in a not so graceful way. She was clearly still coming down from the unpleasantness of my bending. I narrowed my eyes.  
“Thanks.” I said with some edge.  
“Don’t mention it.” She looked just as sharp.  
“I don’t know what is to come your way, anymore... Things has shifted beyond mending, but I know that whatever your fate tunes out to be, it has nothing to do with being locked up forever…”  
She frowned at me.  
“… You should run. Now.” I said numbly.  
“… Why…?” She asked, quite genuine.   
“Call me crazy. I think Zuko might need you in the years to come… Whether it’ll be as his enemy or friend, is up to you. Though… I hope you’ll try ‘friend’ for once.”  
Azula snorted mockingly at me and turned to run away. I wasn’t sure I’d done the right thing, but I was a little ‘over it’. I just knew that Azula, despite her menacing nature, had the potential to do something really great. She leaped up a pillar, clawed up the wall and out the broken window. Quite impressively. I had felt the blood boiling on myself, and I knew I’d been a pile of cooked spaghetti for hours afterwards. Not the great Azula though…  
She was gone.   
And just in time too, the military and Aang were making their grand entrance, doing their fighting and the avatar-ing and I flopped on the floor.   
I was honestly utterly uninterested in the rest of the battle.   
.  
.  
.


	21. Chapter 21: On the waves of time

Chapter 21: On the waves of time 

“It’s coming along quite nicely.” I leaned my head on Zuko’s shoulder.  
“In this speed it won’t be finished before the next Sozin’s comet…” He said entirely unimpressed and hugged me a little closer by my waist.  
He was kinda right. The Golden Hall looked like an hour had passed since our Azula-smack-down and not three months.   
The cleaning crew was still trying to mend the palace, and the royal historical conservators were doing their job very thoroughly. Especially the Golden Hall was getting exceptional tending since it was an ancient relic. A man with four sets of glasses on his forehead picked up a piece of tile, the size of a thumb and dusted it dramatically with a teeny tiny brush before placing it carefully in a wooden case. Zuko rolled his eyes. I just snickered.  
“Do you wanna grab lunch?” I asked and held his hand instead.  
“Yeah. In the garden?” He asked as we strolled leisurely out of the hall.  
I shrugged and nodded. Even though the season had changed to early autumn, and some coolness emerged in the breeze, it was unreliably beautiful and worth bringing a blanket outside for.  
Since the fight a pleasant calmness had seeped in to our lives. Of course the days right after had been frantic, Toph being furious at arriving a day late and a penny short to the battle and the Gaang organizing a ruthless man-hunt for Azula. And last but not least, making a scrambled attempt to get all the prisoners caught again. I’d stayed in the background for the majority of the Azula issue, but grabbing goons was a pleasant pass-time.   
Ursa, Kiyi and Norren had been offered to live in the palace, but Ursa had come clean, and told her son about the memories and angst connected with the place. At first Zuko had been severely disappointed, but Ursa and her family had rented a modest house right in the royal city and Zuko’s mom had been employed as the Grand Garden Consultant, so he saw her every day anyway.   
Obake and Ran had left the Firenation to back-pack though the physical plane, and Zuko had instated their honoree status as protectors of the crown, as a thank-you for saving his life. I don’t think he ever completely warmed up to Obake though, but I sure did.   
Other than bringing the criminals to justice with the Gaang I’d been spending time being lovey-dovy with my handsome boyfriend and mentally preparing for my soon to be departure.   
The process of crossing over would be simple, even painless, but there was a catch… Like always. And I hadn’t told Zuko about it yet.  
We sat down in the cushioned gazebo by the water-orchid. The orange leafs snowed from a tree in the far end of the sculptured lake and the giant koi, still babies though, moved calmly under the surface. I huddled under a duvet and tugged him beneath it too. Zuko watched the water and played absently with my hair.   
A water wheel of bamboo made a soft noise of clucking of water. There was a calm over this place that I would never expect to find on my side of the door.  
“Do you think it will always stay like this?” I twirled a button on his robe between my fingers.  
“What do you mean..?” He bend down slightly and breathed in my hair.   
“The water. The trees. Do you think they’ll stay the same?”  
“Not much I know of stays the same...” It was a whisper.  
I bit the inside of my cheek.  
“I have to come clean before… Well… You know. During the fight, I had Azula pinned. I could have trapped her…”   
“Yeah?” Zuko sounded a little surprised.  
“But I didn’t. I let her go.” I breathed in a loaded sigh because I had kept it to myself for all this time, waiting for the best moment to tell him. But now the time was running out and I couldn’t just skedaddle without giving him a heads up.  
“Hmm. I don’t know how I feel about that.” Zuko gently leaned his chin to my head and looked at the water.   
“I just… Really have the feeling that Azula’s destiny isn’t to rot in prison with you father. I mean… I think we’ll need her in the future. Is that crazy?” I murmured in the palm where I rested my chin.   
“Maybe.”  
“Are you angry?” I lifted my face to his.  
“No… On some level I hope you’re right. I hope her path one day leads back to goodness.”   
“Goodness per say might be a stretch, but I feel like your sister had more in her than just greed and anger. I just think it takes that one person to bring it to the surface.” I looked encouraging.  
Zuko looked tenderly at me and then turned his gaze to the lake again.  
“Is there a reason for you to bring it up?” He asked.  
“It’s a part of the whole ‘no dark secrets’ theme I’m testing out.” I smiled crookedly but it faded.  
There was a pause while we watched leafs sore silently to the lake.  
“And… I think... I think I may have to go soon.”  
Something pinched painfully at my heart.   
“I’ll come back. I just… Don’t know when exactly. Time moves differently when I’m away from this place. But it won’t stop completely. It might take a while before we see each other again.” The pinch became tighter and I winced and put a hand over my heart to calm it.  
“So… Years?”  
That was just it.   
If I wanted to experience both worlds I had to live one life at the time. I would go back, then live until I perished of old age or something and then come here, and do it all again. That was the plan. That was what Obake had showed me in the chi-heart.  
But… For obvious reasons, there was no knowing how long it would take before I came back to the firenation. Nobody knew their own ‘death-date’ as it were.   
Even though time stood approximately still on whichever suspended world I wasn’t in I’d calculated (roughly because I sucked at math) that in the three and a half years I’d been in this universe, two days had passed in my world. So, that meant if I lived to be an old woman, Zuko would maybe have to wait for my return for six or eight years.   
“Yeah. Years…” I muttered.   
And I couldn’t very well do it the other way around because my family was probably already freaking the fudge out over me missing for two whole days! What the heck would they do if they couldn’t find me for eight years! And it was not like I could stick a note through the magic door, explaining my situation. ‘Hi mom and dad, I’m a parallel universe traveler! Don’t worry I’m doing just fine hanging out with my dreamy boyfriend in an alternative world, and I’ll be back in eight years or so. Ps. Leave my room intact! That means don’t touch my computer sis!’   
I doubt that would fly in any regard.   
“I’ll wait years then.” Zuko said simply.  
“That’s sweet. But I really don’t want you to do that unconditionally.” I pulled away from him and looked down at my hands. “I could be coming back when you’re in your thirties, and by then you would have wasted the best years of your life...”  
“I wouldn’t consider it a waste.” Zuko lifted my face gently. “Really. I wouldn’t.” He said as we locked eyes. The pressing on my heart became unbearably painful.  
I smiled bitterly.   
“But I’m being so unfair.” A tear rolled off my cheek.  
“Kai. I love you. I want to be with you. Unconditionally.” He kissed it away. “Don’t think too hard about it. You can’t just trample around the ship and expect things to turn out like you order them to… Remember you said that to me once?” He laughed softly.  
“Heh… Not really. But it does sound like something I would say. Jeez, we were such stupid kids.” I sniffed in a smile and hung my head. “And that was only four years ago...” I added a bit more gravely. A lot could change in eight.  
“I still can’t figure out why I didn’t just kiss you right when I saw you the first time.” He smirked and hugged me closer, dancing elegantly over my gloom.  
“You were busy setting me on fire.” I shrugged. He was trying to make me feel better, and it was working. A tiny bit.  
“As I recall you was the one ruining my favorite shirt.” Zuko lifted his brow.  
“That was your favorite shirt? It was so dull and dark!” As I thought of our first encounter I couldn’t help but to shake my head. I had been so awkward and silly and in love. My god. The feelings I had to go through. Ah the pain! And just to think he was the same. But, really, I’d had to be a little foolish not to have seen it earlier.  
“… Actually come to think of it, I was forced to donate my favorite to you.” He frowned comically.  
I laughed out loud.   
“Really? Hah! I greatly appreciated it. I don’t know what I was thinking arriving in a kimono I could hardly move in!”  
“It suited you.” He said a little lowly.  
“The dress? I would darn well hope so! It took me an hour to get in and out of.”  
Zuko stroked his fingertips over my collarbone and kissed my cheek.   
The atmosphere shifted.  
“Sure. The dress too, but seeing you in my clothes was very hot.” He smirked.   
The slang was one of mine, and I liked hearing it on his lips. I crawled slowly up in Zuko’s lap with my legs around him. I kissed his lips sweetly.  
“Stay for one more day.” Zuko mumbled against me and ran his hands over the small of my back.  
“I was planning on it.” I whispered.  
He hugged me close and deepened the kiss.  
The orange and red leafs blew past us.   
It was troublingly easy for me to push the thoughts of the approaching grief deep down for just another day.

Too soon the day of my departure arrived.   
Zuko had helped me contact Wolfie in The Amid, I’d thought it respectful to include the spirit in my plan, and the grand ‘Zuan’ had transported us all to the white world where the light still surprised my eyes every time.  
The wolf spirit hadn’t been to keen, to put it mildly, on my proposal to break the gatekeeper cycle for my own selfish reasons, but he was beginning to understand my decision. Or at the very least, he’d decided to not interfere.   
I gripped Zuko’s hands tighter.  
The door that Wolfie had helped me open was still agape and a perfect square the colorful mountainside view overlooking the royal city hung in the white nothingness.   
Because if the time slowing effects the sun was frozen in its setting and a flying bird hung almost motionless in the sky. Like the minute timer on the clock you could sense it was still moving but only in a small fraction at the time. The ocean was an orange and golden ripple without force inside the picture.   
I turned my strained face back to my feet.  
It had been an awful day already, and getting dressed had taken me hours, because I’d been stopping and staring at the wall between each item of clothing. It was as if everything I touched wanted to make me cry. Zuko had been very quiet as well.   
Not to mention actually walking around in the palace and saying goodbye to the Gaang. Sokka had been the only one crying overly dramatic, but it had made my heart ache behind the laughter. Then the afternoon had been even worse. Zuko and I’d walked up the mountain and held strings of conversation but none of us were feeling particularly chatty. 

We stood with our heads bowed and almost touching. It felt like the world was weighing down on us. Crushing me gradually like the ant that I felt I was in this cosmic puzzle.   
”You know… The greatest love stories are the star-crossed ones…” I could hardly find the words in my throat and they weren’t strong enough to hold the humor I intended.  
“We’re not star-crossed Kai. We’ll meet again.” He breathed the words without their normal strength.  
“I know.” A breath got locked in my throat and even if I had anything else to say, I wouldn’t have been able to.   
The cruelness of it all made me cry. It was cruel that I had been put in this position. It was cruel that I had felt these emotions only to let them go for an important time, and it was a cruel choice between one love over another. I might be an intergalactic time and space traveler, or whatever Wolfie would refer to it as, but it was a cruel and unfair mishap that I should have met my great love simultaneously too late and too early in my travels.   
I wept my heart out.   
Broken and ugly and truly.  
Zuko held my hand firmer and I felt his tears drip down on our fingers. I would have guessed that he thought it a little cruel too.  
“… It’s really not forever.” Zuko mumbled.  
The grand wolf had looked away for the most part, maybe to be polite even though I doubt that was a gesture the spirit was familiar with, but now it was turning to us and I sensed that it was time. Zuan sat on his hind legs and lifted his head. The lake stirred in the middle and slowly the great and glowing blue heart was emerging from the surface.  
Zuko and I watched it grimly.  
Greater powers were set in motion for my journey. Universal wheels and gears were turning and now that I had made my choice, I had to follow through. I knew I couldn’t stay in the moment, I knew my time was calling, much like the first time I jumped the time-line with Zuko.   
“I know what you’ll say, but I was serious. Please don’t wait too long for me…” I dried my eyes in my sleeve.  
“… Shut up.” Zuko whispered and wiped his own eyes under the dark hair.  
“But I want you to be happ-”   
“I am happy.” He interrupted gently and lifted my face to a kiss.   
The moment was so tender and I tried desperately to feel everything about it so remember it in detail for the time to come. His smooth and narrow jaw under my palms. His warm and spicy smell. His raspy voice and the way he held my waist. I would grab the emotion and stuff it in a mind drawer where I could have it over and over again while I lived without him.   
But that tactic never seems to work in the end because you can’t memorize something and be present in the moment at the same time. Still, I clang to the moment in hope that I would succeed this time.   
The hands of the chi-heart tugged at my sleeve before I was done.  
It drew me away.  
The grand wolf to a hesitant step towards us. Right above the lake the overwhelmingly huge chi-swirl floated in anticipation.  
“I…” I started and caught his yellow eyes again.  
We had said this goodbye before, a long time ago.   
“… Me too.” Zuko just said and looked like he was in pain.  
There was a wind rising. Like the wind in the tunnel right before a train arrives. The warm breeze lifted the wolf’s fur and our hair and clothes fluttered. The trees started to vanish in the far distance, like the whiteness was swallowing them up and erasing them from existence.   
“The chi-heart... It’s opening…” I let his hands go slowly. Reluctantly.   
Zuko frowned at the small gateway to the Firenation.   
He clenched his jaw.  
The frustration was already brewing in him. A coping mechanism turning the hurt into a more manageable emotion. I had the same process lining itself up for a later use.  
“It’s going to suck hiking all the way down after this…” I muttered a little absently.   
He lifted his brow to me in surprise, then a wonderful laugh escaped his lips. I had to chuckle along for no other reason that it was nice to see him laugh.   
I followed him to the door. I wanted to come with. I didn’t want to let him go. I was regretting my choice a hundred times over again.  
“Yeah. It’s going to suck.” The smile lingered and he took a deep breath. “I don’t regret any of it Kai. No matter what you think. And I’ll be right here when you come back.” Zuko smiled at me and we kissed one last time.   
“Alright… See ya’.” I smiled back but I felt my cheeks getting wet again.  
As soon as he’d stepped over the border the door started narrowing and closing that colorful window where time again set in motion. The bird sored over the rolling waves behind him.   
My heart seemed to vanish inch by inch with it.   
We caught a last glimpse of each other before the white shut him out.   
A blue shower of gleaming water rushed down on me like an ocean of rain as the chi-heart cracked and bust open to bleed its magic over me.   
Before I knew it, the current of time and space had altered everything.  
.  
.  
.


	22. Epilogue

Midsummer was in the air, bringing drying spice, sea salt and fresh tropical blooms in every breath and breeze. An exotic bird called through the lush forest below.   
I recalled how I’d seen the door close so many years ago to a fading day, and I was standing there at the brim of night, as if only an hour or two had passed. Mine lifetime had been reset in this enchanted realm where the stars were as bright and light as the glimmering jewels and I had to just look at it before I could move.  
The mountain was lid by the moon’s spotlight and the orange lanterns was burning in the royal palace deep below surrounded by the volcano’s rim. It was almost as if they were gleaming blushingly up to me while I started wandering down the mountain trail. It was striking me over and over how my feet could walk so easily. How my mind could think so sharply. Being reborn to one’s younger self was a treat to say the least. I started smiling then, grinning and then I sprinted down the hill.   
My mind raced with my feet and all I could think was yes, yes, yes!!! It didn’t matter that by lungs burned, or that my feet were bare or that my hands cut on the tiles of the rooftops, my smile wouldn’t be discouraged. I leaped from house to house like I was flying and the world seemed like a gleaming, beautiful and wonderful opportunity!

Before long I was on the palace balcony. Panting silently and sweating though my loose white pajamas. I looked down at my clothes that had been brought with me in my haste. The double doors were cracked open and the drawn curtains darted in and out of them in the night wind.  
Doubt started to settle on my shoulders. I should perhaps use the front door after all. Maybe even clean up a little bit and request an audience or something. I ran a nervous hand through my messy thick hair.   
I didn’t know if everything was the same as I’d left it. I knew that the past five years had meant conflicts and resolutions in and around the firenation, but I had absolutely no other idea what else had changed. Well… He would be 27 years old instead of 22… I thought tentatively. I was still only a year older even though I wasn’t.   
A sudden gust from behind urged me to proceed.  
I took a hesitant step towards the open doors and the chiffon curtains grew livelier in the will of the breeze. Mentally I prepaid myself for the worst. After all I had told him to ‘move on’, and he could very well have done so.   
Silently I peered through the curtains and in to the dark bedchamber. There was a light burning on the bedside table. Shadows danced on the golden and red walls.  
I gasped without sound.  
Zuko was sitting alone, thankfully, under the covers and a he was deeply engulfed in a very old book. His dark hair was loose and a little messy. It was a lot longer than I’d expect. His age had made his chin sharper, his eyes more almond-shaped and his lips even more attractive as Zuko had them in an absent smirk while he was reading. A hint of Ozai lingered in his features, but at the same time Zuko looked nothing like his father. I guessed it was a good book. Power and authority seemed to radiate off him. Something had clearly happened while I’d been away.   
I bit down in a smile.   
Zuko was so gorgeous I could hardly believe it.   
“Knock knock.” I said as I tapped on the doorframe with a knuckle.  
Fiercely Zuko snapped his eyes to me. He blinked and closed the book slowly. I would’ve anticipated him to smirk or laugh or even be furious with me, or something! But Zuko’s face didn’t betray any of his thoughts. His yellow irises seemed to glow in the dark.  
I was suddenly afraid I’d overstepped a line and I pressed myself a little up against the doorframe.   
Five years of separation was no child’s play for most long-distance relationships. Not to mention weird fated analogous-universe ones without contact.   
Not ever taking his eyes off of me Zuko got up and walked across the room. My cheeks burned. He was wearing silken pants but nothing else, and now I was sure I’d overstepped. The dark hair was flowing down over his shoulders and bare chest.   
Even though I was a year older than him in this word, looking at Zuko made me felt like I was a teenager again.   
It suddenly seemed like I had been transported mercilessly back to my younger and more uncertain self mentally too and I was suddenly streaked of the era of existential knowledge. I bit down on the inside on my cheek like the girl I’d once been.   
When he stood in front of me I felt like he was scanning me for weapons or something.   
“Eh. Maybe I should come back tomorrow.” I cringed slightly and started backing away. Zuko grabbed my wrist and pulled me in to the champers gently.   
“I can’t believe it.” He muttered and turned my hand. His voice was so deep and calm and I felt a jolt of attraction. Much more like a man’s than a boy’s.   
“Am I dreaming?” Zuko asked himself and stroked my fingers with his own.   
“… No?” I said hesitantly and looked at his hands too. They were so slender and long. An injury was showing on the back of his left hand. Sword practice maybe?   
“Kai? You look older!” A switch flicked and his eyes widened. Now he was seeing me, now he comprehended who I was. And the first thing he notices is my age. Jeez.  
“Thanks.” I rolled my eyes.   
Zuko laughed and grabbed me, like really grabbed me, and lifted me off my feet in a hug. It almost reminded me of something Sokka would do. When he’d put me down I smiled a little sheepishly.   
“Did you miss me a little?” I scratched my arm. It didn’t look like a loaded question from afar, but it was to me.   
“Every day.” He smiled and tugged a lock of hair behind my ear, then abruptly froze mid-motion. “Oh. Is this okay? I mean… Do you mind?” Zuko asked unsurely.   
The light flickered in its lantern. I grinned up at him.  
“Not even a little bit.” I touched the ends of his hair. “It’s so long now. So different.”  
“It’s tradition…” He stroked my hands and looked down. “A lot of time has passed.” More than a lot I felt like adding. Zuko kissed my fingers, and I found the gesture to be so tender and so unfamiliar that it emphasized his words.   
“You got the sweeter deal though.” I spoke softly and almost in a whisper because he drew me closer. I had after all waited my whole life to be here.  
“Indeed I did. And nothing has changed for me in that time.” Zuko leaned his face down to me and brushed his lips to my cheek. “Except the hairdo maybe.” He breathed sarcastically.  
I snickered at that and because his touch tickled.  
“Can I kiss you?” He was not really asking permission as Zuko was almost kissing me already. I tuned my head slightly and met his warm lips. The thrill was like I was whooshing down the roller-coaster. Like plummeting from the sky before releasing the parachute. Like dream, fate and reality melting together in a striking and overwhelming feeling of happiness.   
This was it.   
This was worth crossing the parallels and fighting the lurking demons for. And suddenly the rushing realization that life with its never-ending series of unexpected moments had led me here from the very first step. My wonderment, my search, my endless nomadic journey had found the place to rest for eternity.   
His arms embraced me tighter. Holding me to him like he was holding on to our love itself.  
The summer stars twinkled like the eyes of a hundreds of worlds that they were, and I lay on the cushion of comforting knowledge that I didn’t have to know them all anymore.   
I like to think that in the end we’d both found our way home.   
.  
.  
. 

The end


End file.
